Am I embroiled in an emotional affair without realising it?

[Tocolleagueornot]

I worked closely with a male colleague for a year on a project. This involved a few lunches / coffees and we got to know one another over the year. Most of our conversations revolved around work, current affairs, politics, literature etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH, or feel embarrassed about.

He’s 20 years my senior. I wouldn’t say he’s ugly but also not conventionally attractive, he dresses well but I wouldn’t say I ever really thought of him in that sense. Whether he thought about me like that or not, I don’t really know. Never picked up on any ‘inappropriate’ energy. He’s also married. He had a good reputation for being a nice guy, sometimes colleagues in my field are a bit wanky or creepy and will carry that reputation but he is known to be a good one.

Anyway project ended 6 months ago, we moved onto different things but started emailing one another. At first it was just about work, with a smattering of things we’d been up to or politics or books we were reading whatever. Never any pressure to respond quickly, sometimes I got busy and it took me 3-4 weeks to get back to him. I didn’t pick up on it at the time but he would usually reply within a week, irrespective of how long I’d left it.

Anyway the emails gradually got longer, they’re now essentially mini essays. Again, none of the topics are anything I’d feel remotely ashamed about or would hide from DH in any way. He’s dropped a few personal details in but it’s mostly professional although the formal way to start emails e.g Hi Adam/Eve has been dropped so it reads more conversationally.

I noticed over December he ramped up contact so we’d be emailing generally every other day, meaning a couple of essay length emails from each of us per week. He’s always kept the boundary of not emailing during weekends and didn’t over the Christmas break either but as soon as he was back in the office he did.

I haven’t opened it yet because I’m starting to worry it’s veering into EA territory. Only really because I keep reading threads on here about husbands and younger female colleagues so it’s made me think. I asked a friend and she just laughed and said he clearly has the hots for me. I asked why she thought that and she said men don’t send essay length emails every other day to women they don’t care about…

We are in a creative industry so writing at length isn’t unusual. Am I being horribly naive?

From what you say I think that you're not in an EA at the moment; you don't mention you fancy him, nor do you say anything complimentary about him. But if I were you I'd be wondering how he feels about you. Maybe he has taken your replies as a "come on" and that's why he's emailing more quickly than you. I do have male friends (I'm in a very male dominated industry) but I am pretty careful to keep things professional and at arms length just to avoid issues later. I do this because some guy once got entirely the wrong impression! That's been my approach and it's worked so far (in my 50's now). If I were you I'd ramp down contact and length of response. If you don't want to be overt about it perhaps say you have a lot on or give some excuse. Reply with a couple of lines only and see what he does (does he accept it, or does he contact you more or tell you he's disappointed). Decrease the length of your emails as well as generally be less engaged.

I would definitely scale back your replies to him.

I agree with your friend. If you want/need that level of contact with him then you are in an EA, but it sounds like its driven by him and he definitely is. I'd back off if I were you.

You obviously connect mentally or creatively. I think there are ways to make this not a problem. One would be to push the connection firmly into friendship territory. Say: we get on so well - why don't you and your wife come over for Sunday lunch and meet DH? Or, if you have some creative interest in common, suggest a meet up of the four of you to visit an exhibition/go to a show or concert. If the converstion flows, suggest a good walk once the weather is fine, with a pub lunch - again, all four of you. This allows you to develop your connection without any discomfort of it becoming an EA.

I agree with your friend. He has a crush at least.

You are on the cusp of dangerous territory. If you don’t want to jeopardise your marriage, back up and cool off.

In my experience he’s got the hots for you. Also, using work email system is not appropriate for private stuff. Your IT department will love it if emails stray any further.

Take care of your peace.

I don't think you're in EA territory - but he almost certainly is.

Yes, you're thinking about each other and sharing important and personal details with each other. He almost certainly has a massive crush on you. Once the project finished that left a gap, but best to move on and fill in with other things rather than his lengthy emails.

I didn't get the impression of EA from your wording of the situation however if I read the emails the contents might seem like EA but assuming there really isn't any flirting in the emails then it's just friendship and networking.

Do you actually need to reply to this latest email? Anything about work respond to those sections, everything else ignore. Keep it professional, it’s not difficult.

Would you like your DH to be sending essays to another woman? I would stop replying so quickly as although you’re not interested he clearly is.

If the emails are entirely about work and the length normal for your field then it doesn’t seem to be a problem.

If they are about your shared interests, so personal, then yes you should start quickly scaling back your replies. As you get on well, couldn’t you tell him that as much as his thoughts are interesting, you really don’t have time to read the emails let alone reply.

I think there is a phrase.. Is this a friend of yiur marriage? Are you emotionally distancing from your partner and finding that relationship with someone else?

And repeating... how would you feel if your partner found out? how would your partner feel if he knew? could you introduce yourself partners to each other?

Thank you for all of your replies.

My DH knows we email, I have been open about this and he’s never found said colleague threatening in any way. He knows I have to work with various men and that we have lunch/coffee together while we work on projects- that element isn’t unusual. I don’t usually stay in touch like this with them, I guess we got on more than I did with others.

I will tone it back if you think he has some sort of crush. My friend took me by surprise really, I only asked her because I keep reading so much on here about husbands and younger colleagues lately.

The content isn’t flirtatious, I don’t think and as I say, if my DH were to read them I wouldn’t mind. It’s usual to write long form content in our world but I don’t often write long emails like this, maybe he does!

Yes, he definitely has a crush on you and would probably like to take it further so you need to step back from this.

The other option is he looking for a friend? If it’s purely friendly emails then you could either discuss his wife more or suggest meeting as a group of 4?

I bet he’s not sending essay length emails to male colleagues 20 years older than him.

It’s very intimate, isn’t it? Sharing quite in-depth thoughts and ideas.

If you are married it just seems better not to start (I realised over the years that it was just better to avoid private messaging or correspondence with men) or pull back from it now that you have realised where it’s possibly going.

Just make a bland ‘intellectual’ excuse - you have to devote more time to further study, writing or a new interest. He won’t be able to argue against that, because it’s not as if your correspondence is anything else…

I feel like if he fancied you and wanted more he would probably have tried to move it off email and would probably be replying quicker than within the week? Idk I’ve not fancied anyone other than my husband since we met, but from what I remember I was very quick on the draw with my replies. As previously suggested though, better safe than sorry so if you value his friendship and think your DH would get on with him then you guys should all go out as a group of 4.

I was reading a similar thread yesterday like you say @Tocolleagueornot it's quite a common discussion. I thought will advice go in a different direction as to the one I was reading where it was the wife of the older colleague.
But you aren't having an affair. Maybe he hasn't the intellectual stimulation elsewhere. Have you?

It’s been going on for ages, from your post well over a year, and there’s no hint of it, from him or you, of it crossing over into affair territory. It’s not an EA as you are talking about common interests. You are not leaning on each other for emotional or life support.

I am interested in the stuff you are and it can be quite difficult to find people who like to talk about this too, especially at length. The lengthy emails, I’m sure, reflects the fact that there is absolutely loads of really interesting and unusual stuff going on in current affairs and politics at the moment.

Ii would carry on as you are OP. It would be a shame for both of you if you pulled away from each other for fear of something that there isn’t really any sign of being on the cards. ( And which you seem to know is not on the cards for you).

Sometimes men and women really are just friends.

You have a meeting of minds with someone on your wave length. carry on enjoying your email essays. I like it. It reminds me of the olden days when you’d get such lengthy lettter correspondents, debating and discussing issues from the Minds of the day!

Also think this!

Yep

And btw, I have a couple of times had long email exchanges like this with men I found a common interest with - and yes - one of them with a man at least 10 years my junior.

They were never anything other than just discussing our ideas and opinions.

MN is the wrong place to ask about this as there is such a concentration of women who see affairs in absolutely anything, as well as a high concentration who think men and women can’t be friends.

At the end of the day, why would you stop something you both enjoy for something that is not even happening? He hasn’t been inappropriate and neither have you. If that ever did happen you could rethink the correspondence. But stopping it for no reason, as there is no hint of it becoming anything more than it is, is madness.

If this was another woman would you be writing the same email? If yes - then it’s just friendly. If not then it’s over stepping boundaries