Am I embroiled in an emotional affair without realising it?

[Tocolleagueornot]

I worked closely with a male colleague for a year on a project. This involved a few lunches / coffees and we got to know one another over the year. Most of our conversations revolved around work, current affairs, politics, literature etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH, or feel embarrassed about.

He’s 20 years my senior. I wouldn’t say he’s ugly but also not conventionally attractive, he dresses well but I wouldn’t say I ever really thought of him in that sense. Whether he thought about me like that or not, I don’t really know. Never picked up on any ‘inappropriate’ energy. He’s also married. He had a good reputation for being a nice guy, sometimes colleagues in my field are a bit wanky or creepy and will carry that reputation but he is known to be a good one.

Anyway project ended 6 months ago, we moved onto different things but started emailing one another. At first it was just about work, with a smattering of things we’d been up to or politics or books we were reading whatever. Never any pressure to respond quickly, sometimes I got busy and it took me 3-4 weeks to get back to him. I didn’t pick up on it at the time but he would usually reply within a week, irrespective of how long I’d left it.

Anyway the emails gradually got longer, they’re now essentially mini essays. Again, none of the topics are anything I’d feel remotely ashamed about or would hide from DH in any way. He’s dropped a few personal details in but it’s mostly professional although the formal way to start emails e.g Hi Adam/Eve has been dropped so it reads more conversationally.

I noticed over December he ramped up contact so we’d be emailing generally every other day, meaning a couple of essay length emails from each of us per week. He’s always kept the boundary of not emailing during weekends and didn’t over the Christmas break either but as soon as he was back in the office he did.

I haven’t opened it yet because I’m starting to worry it’s veering into EA territory. Only really because I keep reading threads on here about husbands and younger female colleagues so it’s made me think. I asked a friend and she just laughed and said he clearly has the hots for me. I asked why she thought that and she said men don’t send essay length emails every other day to women they don’t care about…

We are in a creative industry so writing at length isn’t unusual. Am I being horribly naive?

Did he ever respond? I'd definitely be thinking he has a crush or hopes to build on the connection and turn it into more. I'm not someone who thinks men and women can't be friends but someone who is investing that much time and energy definitely sounds interested in more than emails. He might just be playing it cool for now..

Men only make this much effort with women they want to sleep with.

And yes il get called misogynistic but it’s true.

Why would that be 'misogynistic'?

It's simply not true, and it's pretty lazy thinking. Men and woman can simply be friends, for decades, with no one shagging anyone, or wanting to.

I meant misandrist- it’s early and little sleep 🙄

And yes that’s my opinion, maybe a generalisation but it seems the OP’s boss has a little thing for her.

Why would you even want this much contact with anyone? It must be taking up a lot of your time. I'm sorry, but I feel you are being faux naive. I wouldn't send this many e-mails to my parents/sister/adult kids. Why on earth would I message some random dude this much, unless I fancied him?

There's no way on earth I would message any of my male customers this much, or even my friends husbands, because I know exactly what it would look like to their wives. Dodgy AF.

I am very careful to never put kisses on the end of male customers texts, but happily will add a kiss if that's what a female customer signs off with. It's not hard. Be honest with yourself, at least.

They also make effort when there is financial or career benefits.

Adding kisses to customers (or work colleague) messages is bloody weird, male or female.
A supplier (male) did it to me once, but immediately (before I had read it) phoned me to say sorry, he'd just texted his wife then me and did it automatically 😂

😂😂😂

the only thing that makes me question this is the line where you’ve said you have boundaries about not emailing at weekends or over the Christmas break. Is that because you don’t want you other halves to see them?

I wouldn’t say it’s an EA yet, but if it’s all above board you should be able to be transparent about it and reference him as your friend to your husband etc. if there’s something that makes you feel like you can’t do that then cool it off.

Be careful though, these things can easily overstep.

It's not her boss, you were right you are a misogynist!!

Just scale back. If you get on that well you can suggest meeting with partners as you might all get on so well. No need for so much intensity. And bring up your partner a lot.

A man writing whole essays that often to a woman....yes, of course. He is obsessed with you, or at least gets a high dose of adrenalin and dopamine messaging you with that sort of emotional and intellectual energy. Platonic love from a 1000 miles....so yes, he is interested

Can't it be just an intense friendship? Maybe he is intense, maybe he's needy. How do you know he doesn't have other friendships like this? I don't think you have to step back, unless you think he has certain expectations. But even then, you don't own him anything.
Conversations with a thoughtful person are a valuable thing (if you enjoy it!)

as long as the content isn’t flirty or suggestive etc, I would just think of this as a friendship.

Emailing long emails every other day is a lot, and means that you’re both taking up alot of headspace with each other.

You say he only emails when in the office - this isn’t maintaining a boundary -this is Not wanting his wife to find out! To use the old cliche, if it were innocent, why hide it.

It is nice to have new friendships and shared interests with someone, and maybe he found the friendship with you refreshing. However, the increased frequency of messages is edging the situation into dangerous territory.

Well done on recognising this.

Thank you again for all of your responses. It has given me a bit of a wake up call and I’m grateful to my friend for also pointing it out. He never responded so as I see it, either he suddenly got busy or something happened in his life or he didn’t like me talking about my DH!

I didn’t even make the link about him only emailing when he was at work to hide it from his wife, I honestly just thought he was keeping work emails at work and wasn’t one to email colleagues from home! I feel like I’ve been super naive. Also over Christmas, I was the last to email before the break but he didn’t get back to me till we returned to the office at the start of the month. I would have likely emailed him over Christmas if he’d reached out because I seriously only saw it as a friendship.

My DH wasn’t suspicious in any way either, I told him we were exchanging long emails and he thought it was sweet. I think he thought this because the colleague is so much older and not my type!

Anyway, I guess I was being naive after all and he did have a crush or something. Unless I’m reading too much into it and he’s just got busy.

You’re reading way too much into it. People get busy and can’t necessarily respond immediately, especially if there’s a mutual expectation of lengthy emails. I say again, wouldn’t it be easier and less time-consuming to meet for a coffee and have these conversations in person?

It’s not an EA. You are friends and friends talk to each other about stuff. I hate that people think me and women can’t really be friends. My closest friend is male and I talk to him about everything

I hope I am reading too much into it but think it’s odd he was responding so quickly prior to this. To be honest, aside from when I’ve known it was due to a break at work or annual leave, he’s never taken more than a week. Just seems a little odd he’s taking longer than usual after I mentioned my DH a lot.

Coffee would be great but when I suggested it once, he didn’t say anything so I guessed he was happier emailing for whatever reason.

I think it's highly likely he didn't like you mentioning your dh and it has put him off. More than likely he has developing feelings and a deep connection with you and maybe he didn't realise quite how deep his feelings went until you mentioned dh.

I think if you suddenly started mentioning your husband excessively he probably took it as a cue to back off!

Do you want a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him? If not, then congratulations, you’ve made a friend. I assume you have hitherto been happy to reciprocate the length and frequency of emails?

You’re going to fade out a friendship with a man who has not crossed any boundaries because some people on the internet said he fancies you?

Sorry, seen your updates. He probs thinks you’re a bit unhinged suddenly dropping in lots of references to your husband!

Yeah I personally would be offended and leave a person alone if my friendliness has given them the impression that they need to mention their partner a lot.
He knew she was married, all this increased mention of DH means back off so he backed off. Everybody knows it means back off. I don't think it proves his intentions were dishonorable it just shows he got the hint and is possibly offended or hurt now and giving you space. It's not unusual for artists and self employed people to keep intouch, how else will they find work opportunities and stay relevant and in the loop?

He fancies you.

You've nothing to feel guilty about just say you're too busy