Should I stay or should I go?

[Seesaworoundabout]

I got engaged and when I've brought up the subject of getting married I feel I'm being fobbed off. So I've decided to no longer bring the subject up and I know for a fact he wont either. Since we got engaged he has never discussed it and when I've brought it up he fobs me off as in says just enough to make me believe that it will happen. I'm worried that if I have to bring it up again I won't be very happy about it because I have already started to feel resentful. When he was poorly I felt he was benefiting from wife care without having to commit. When he cuddles me I've started to feel like he is taking all he can with no need to commit to me. Even though he treats me so nice and I do actually want to be with him something in me is telling me to leave and not settle for a forever engagement. I've told him I don't want a forever engagement and his response was if I'm so unhappy I should leave followed by "I don't want you to leave '. I now feel he is waiting for my next move. He will never bring up the marriage subject. I dont want to bring it up either as I'm now too angry to. Should I just go?

Why would you want to marry someone like this?!

“I've told him I don't want a forever engagement and his response was if I'm so unhappy I should leave followed by "I don't want you to leave '.”

This tells you everything you need to know about how he feels about you. Of course he doesn’t want you to leave, he has it golden right now all the benefits with no real commitment. You’re worth more.

Sounds like he has never wanted to get married. The engagement was just to prevent you leaving and to string you along.

The issue is not marriage or no marriage.

From what you've written, it sounds like you two can't talk about important things. Or he won't, and you're too scared to even try now. That alone, makes marriage (a proper, happy marriage) impossible.

How long have you been engaged for? If it's been a while and there's no sign of discussion about planning a wedding, I guess that's all you need to know! How has he fobbed you off when you've tried to discuss it?

The engagement ring was to shut you up. He already has the benefits of a wife, but isn't prepared to step up and sign on the dotted line.

Of course he doesn't want you to leave, he has his maid/mum/access to sex in place. This isn't marriage material, you deserve so much better than this. Being alone is better than this!

When I started dating my partner and after awhile we had a low key engagement .
we bought a house together , moved in etc , and then nothing , no talk of marriage .
life moved on and we did talk about it but he was obviously in no rush . I even said happy for it to very very low key with very few people . Still nothing.
Then tbh , I gave up and the years passed . Then suddenly wedding talk was back on ( he instigated ) and we got married last year but this was 10 + years of a relationship .
In hindsight , would I do that again and go with the flow . No .
Bring up the fact you want to be married by the end of this year or next ( but be precise on which year ) and stick to that .

This is not a good man for you to enter into a binding financial and legal agreement with.

This is not a good man for you to be choosing to have children with.

This is not a man who is treating you well and is behaving like he is committed to you and cherishes you through sickness and in health.

Get out.

Why would you pursue marriage with a man you can't speak with about important topics? There's no closeness, no intimacy, no openness.

What does marriage mean to you, @FrostyFlo and @Seesaworoundabout?

I'd give him the engagement ring back and tell him he can propose if and when he's ready to get married. The term is "engaged to be married".

I'd also behave like a girlfriend not a wife.

Op are you living together now, how long have you been engaged for?

You do need a conversation with him, ' hay bob, just thinking new year and all that, shall we make plans foe wedding end of this year or next don't mind when but really need to start planning, costing, ' by the way op then you'll have your answer,

Not sure how old you both are, but you guys talking about children in the future because you could factor that into conversation to

Good luck op, you need a plan, even if a 3 year plan ,

Come on, OP, why would you commit yourself for life to a man like this? He doesn't want to marry you. He can't communicate. There are plenty of better men around.

How would he react if you booked the church, hotel and sent out the invitations, and just informed him of when to turn up and where he should pick up his suit?

I’m not suggesting you do this op, because one person making all the decisions for both, and then high handed informing the other what they are expected to do, is not normal.

But this is what he’s doing - taking control (by refusing to engage) and telling you what to expect. That’s not a partnership

Leave, grieve and find the man who wants to marry you.

I think I would need more information on your situation in order to answer your question. However, I would assume based on the conversations you have had that the engagement was to shut me up and he has no real plans to marry and I would proceed on that basis. Would you be happy 10 years from now if you never married? If you did not have children or had them without marriage? If the answer is no then yes I would leave him. Personally I would not set a deadline to be married or threaten an ultimatum or anything like that because I don't like the idea of needing to force him. He should want to marry me rather than do it just to stop me leaving. It would not bode well for my future happiness if he does not consider my needs as well as his unless forced to.

I’d be really honest and say ‘When do you see us getting married? Like what month and year?’ If he fobs you off you know he’s not interested.

Say you envisage it no later than September 2027 and if he isn’t on board and looking at venues and talking guests lists in the next month then you’re off.

When I got engaged my intention was to do it ASAP, within the month everything was booked and got married 9 months after the proposal. I wanted to be married and not engaged.

I've been with dh for a very long time , fair enough I've only been married a year but why do you want to know what marriage means to me ? I find that a strange question .

Because, from what you wrote, it seems you're advocating for some kind of roadmap to marriage for marriage's sake: Bring up the fact you want to be married by the end of this year or next ( but be precise on which year ) and stick to that.

She's not even sure whether she wants to be with him, and he has made it clear he doesn't care either way.

It's all desperately sad. I don't think forcing a marriage under these circumstances is a good idea.

You clearly feel differently. Which begs the question of what marriage actually means to you. Not your own marriage obviously, but marriage as an institution, a contract, a commitment, a type of relationship.

@Seesaworoundabout
It's easy to throw your toys out of the pram and leave, as many would advise on here. But - personally, I'll say - it really depends.

You said you wanted to get married - but did not say why. Are you hoping to have children with him? Are you dependent on him financially? Do you want to purchase a home together?

How is your relationship - you seem to be generally happy together (minus the marriage bit)?
Have you discussed marriage before - as in has he ever said he does not see the point?

Are you suddenly feeling unsure of his commitment? Is there anything that started it?

And - more importantly - why can't you talk about it all with him. Not nag and complain about his lack of enthusiasm for planning a wedding - as most men won't be excited about it. But why can't you talk about what you feel and why marriage is important to you. And to understand what he is feeling about it all - is it reluctance to have a big expensive party? Maybe you can take initiative in planning the ceremony that can work for both of you?.....

Finally - something doesn't sound quite right when you say - that he "expects to get the benefit of a wife" - when you take care of him when unwell.... Or when you cuddle (have sex?) -....

This makes it sound like you see marriage as some sort of payment for your wife-services? Which can't possibly be true???
Unmarried people in couples can take care of each other, and cuddle, etc - without needing to pay with "commitment" - it's normal part of human relationships.

My comment was to say that some people can be together a long time before marrying and if that suits them it's ok . If In being honest my " together 10+ years before marrying " comment is true but the actual 10+ is 25 years . My comment about wanting marriage after a few years ( like op ) and him being less keen ( like ops oh ) mirrored both our situations .
I never got a marriage early days but then mellowed into it not being important to me.
but here I am now married.
Op is at the state of wanting it soon so my point is tell him it's a relationship breaker for her if she wants it soon and it's not looking likely .

Thank you for all the words of wisdom everyone. I will try answer some of your questions.
We have been engaged for a year. Lived together 8 months now.
What marriage means to me? Stability, Commitment in all its forms - emotionally psychologically. Security.

Sashya - Marriage as some sort of payment... I can see how that looks. I guess the point I was trying to make is that he seems to be very content with everything and probably can't see a need to get married if he is getting the same benefits as if he was married when he is not. It also protects his future maybe in his eyes... I dont know.
And no we are not planning kids.
Happy... he does treat me so well and we have been so happy but each time I've tried to discuss marriage it turns stressful and tense...
Anyway I have made the decision to no longer pursue marriage and I just need to figure out my next steps... perhaps moving in wasn't the best idea (for me) because now I have to think about moving out!!

Engaged for a year, lived together 8 months.

Is it long enough?
Do you really know him?
Are you sure he'd be a good husband ? You said he treats you well and you seem happy. Somebody else suggested you should act like a girlfriend, not the wife. I 100% agree with this. He's getting too many goodies without paying, but but but you should never and cannot force a man to marry you.
Good luck OP

He will just continue to string you along and pr otherwise future fake you. Show him what the loss of you means.

What marriage means to me? Stability, Commitment in all its forms - emotionally psychologically. Security.

@Seesaworoundabout marriage is a contract. Literally nothing more than a legal arrangement. It doesn't bring stability, commitment or security. It just brings certain rights. (Which are not unimportant!)

The actual relationship you have with your partner, married or not, is what has the potential to bring you stability, security and emotional commitment. And joy and happiness and togetherness besides. All the really great things in life.

But, as things stand, you can't even talk about marriage with him (and I would guess, by extension, other difficult and contentious topics). What does that say about your relationship as it is right now?

I'm not saying LTB, by the way. I'm saying start with the relationship. Make sure you're committing to something and someone amazing. What you have right now sounds just a bit lonely and distant. A bit meh. Your first sentence literally reads: "I got engaged". Very lonely. And you keep referring to him as "he", not DP, not partner, not fiance. It really, really stands out. It's like "he" is not really there.

Finally, I have to ask, because they've become such a big thing, is it really a wedding you're eyeing up? Have a lot of your friends got married recently? Are your social media feeds full of wedding stuff? I might well be wrong here, just a thought!

EDIT: OP, I'm so sorry, I completely missed the really obvious bit where you say you're no longer pursuing marriage. I'll leave the post up anyway as relevant to the theme. Wishing you all the very best.

You shouldn’t have to cajole or beg anyone into marriage. Both parties should want it the same and circumstances/finances allowing should have the same timescale. If he won’t engage in a conversation and you are not willing to wait I would cut my losses. If you are not on the same page about marriage it will be the same about every important life decision you have to make.

You are right to think of moving out. The relationship is not what you envisaged, so do not waste any more time on it. Never grieve over leaving as you are putting your life and dreams over someone else's.