Husband and his colleague at work

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
DH changed jobs in 2024.
He (41) works together with young lady (28). They are responsible for the whole department so they do lots of things together. Looks like their CEO is very happy with them as both got promoted, payrise, etc.
However, I have concerns that they (DH and her)are more than colleagues.
Few months ago I noticed DH is talking only about her. I thought it's quite normal as they basically spend all working day together. He used to talk about her projects, her ideas,etc. Suddenly, he started to talk about her personal things, for example:

• she has lots of tattoos and he was very upset she decided to get one more, "he doesn't like it"
• she lives with a housemate who is male and DH constantly talking that he is not a good person, she should live alone
• being upset that she is bad with money and bought expensive designer shoes
• she doesn't like kids and doesn't want to have them - DH constantly upset about it because he loves kids.

I told him that I feel weird about him talking this and he shouldn't be interested in his colleagues personal life. He then stops for day or two and "mentionitis " starts again.
Yesterday, he came back home at 5 pm and by 5.30 pm he mentioned her 3 times.
Our relationship (17 years together) had lots of issues recently - he gambled, we had massive problems with his abusive mother (I was assaulted by her in my own kitchen while pregnant and he was on his mothers side). I literally spent half of my life savings for counselling and had a hope that we can save our marriage.
And yes, he recently bought very expensive perfume for himself and I noticed changes in his behaviour at bed - different style of kissing, etc.

He has an affair, isn't he?

It’s not clear that it’s an affair rather than a crush on his part.

However the more concerning part is that he obviously has control issues and very poor boundaries so I would be looking at moving on from the relationship if I were in your shoes.

I mean, he's definitely thinking about his colleague as more of than just a colleague, that's for sure. And from here, unless she gets creeped out by his increasing interest in her and reports him or tells him to back off, or he ends up cheating on you with her.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, OP. Quite honestly, I would leave him. Even if he stops all this stupidity, it doesn't even sound like he's a decent husband in the first place. His mom attacks his pregnant wife and he sides with mommy dearest? That's icky and I despise men like this.

either he is or its heading that way

It’s not the colleague stuff that would be making me leave him, that’s the bottom of the pile from what you’ve wrote.

What he’s already done to you is enough to leave. And now with this colleague, it’s enough. He sounds like a proper weirdo with his obsessing over her. It’s creepy. Protect yourself. Dump him.

Christ, I’d let her have him.

The tattoo/shies/living arrangement comments make him sound controlling; is he like that with you?

This.

Dont waste more money on him. You are going to need it.

Sit and keep a close eye on him for now. Don’t alert him to your suspicions, otherwise if something IS going on , it will be harder to find out.

Honestly, it sounds as though you would be better off without him. The fact that he supported his mum when she assaulted you when you were pregnant and he took her side shows what an absolutely awful and disloyal husband and father he is. Is your MIL still in your life? If so, splitting up from your DH would have the added benefit of removing his toxic, violent mum from your life.

His remarks about his colleague make it clear that he is an old-fashioned controlling misogynist who would like nothing better to be able to control her appearance, friendships and finances. Does he express those views to her or just to you? If I were her, I'd run a mile away from him.

I think your last paragraph describing how he has changed with intimacy screams affair. You could ask him where he learned his new techniques and why he wanted to change and why he’d not discussed any of that with you; but I doubt you will get an honest answer.

If she is having sex with him for whatever reasons suit her, you can bet your life he hasn’t been honest with her about how much he dislikes about her and wants to change about her. Once he reveals that she is likely to kick him to the kerb. What young woman needs some old dusty, who has a wife telling them how to behave?

He’s not only being a monumental prick to you, he’s treating her quite shabbily too. Just get shot of the aging, misogynist twat and carve out a better life for yourself while there’s still time.

@Bitsandbobs2, your concerns are entirely valid. Your H is obsessed with this woman and his feelings are not platonic. She is his priority, so he is investing huge amounts of his attention and emotional energy into her. He also has a disturbing need to control her choices, but at this point he will only be showing her adoration.

It is unknown if she reciprocates his affection or if they have begun an emotional or physical affair, but that is his goal. Have you investigated his phone? The change in his bedroom technique does suggest that they are already physically involved, so you will need an STD test. Also, many cheaters create distance from their partners via coldness, contempt, etc. He certainly has been cruel and disloyal to you, even during your pregnancy. Regarding the couples counseling, he clearly wasn’t committed to it, as his emotional focus has been elsewhere.

@Bitsandbobs2, he has been treating you and your baby like shit on his shoe. He’s a faithless rat who is trying to cheat or already is. Instead of flogging this dead horse, improve your life greatly by sending him packing.

Either a crush or an affair, leave him.

Get your ducks in a row as they say then leave. He sounds like a pathetic man who either is having an affair or desperately wants to be. I couldn’t stay with someone like that

It's pathetic, he's got it bad and he's using you as his audience to harp on about her. Whether or not it's an affair - who knows, but he has treated you very poorly, including siding with his mummy after she assaulted you, fuck! Has this guy ever been on your team?

He doesn't care about my appearance, I could literally make 5 tattoos today and shave my head.

No idea if there is an affair but as as another suggested he is definitely crushing on her and is far too emotionally invested in this workplace relationship.

As well as the damage to your relationship he is behaviour is incredibly unprofessional and could get him into a lot of trouble at work.

Your concerns are completely valid and his behaviour is completely inappropriate.

Thank you everyone, I really needed to talk with someone as no family in UK.
I started secret fund few years ago when he was gambling. It is secured, I opened separate bank account and have cash at my best friends house too. I will also increase my hours at work soon ,so can save more.
Im pretty sure I need to get ready to leave...

Thank you, I don't think they will have any problems at work, their boss probably knows already. It's small company and DH+colleague made a huge sales last year.

Maybe no affair yet but definitely an inappropriate obsession. And so much younger, yuck.

Probably not an affair but he’s interested in her. Whether she’s interested in him back or not is a different story.

Sorry OP but - anyone else wondering why we've had so many of these exact type of threads in the last week?

I mean I may be biased in this but I've always had jobs where you mainly work in a small team or with just 1 or 2 others. In those situations where you spend all day with 1 or people, if you actually get on with them, I don't think it strange to develop work friendships. I have never had a job where I don't happen upon 1 person I get on with really well. And if you spend all day with that person I think it would be strange to not converse about personal stuff...I mean...why wouldn't you? I have a feeling a lot of the time it's simply that the colleague is the opposite sex. I personally don't see a problem with it. If he met and was friends with this person outside of work would you still have a problem?

You dont trust him so its done.
Id be out after the gambling

If anything, on this site I have learned something that is crucial,
Have a pocket to lean back on when you have to leave, even at 17 years in.

This is important and you have that

He sounds dreadful sorry. The gambling and his awful mother is enough to leave him, without him making it worse being on about this young woman.