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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else have zero friends that 'fill their cup?'

42 replies

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 15:58

Name changed for this. I'm mid 40s and I'm in this really 'insightful' stage where I'm coming to (painful) conclusions about my life and relationships. My reality is that I don't have a single friend where it's a normal friendship where you enjoy spending time with them.
The people in my circle are extremely draining, the type when you ask them how they are (expecting "fine, and you?") they literally go into a monologue about their awful wind/madriff pains/constipation/chronic illness or other very random issues. Absolute zero awareness of how they are going on endlessly EVERY SINGLE TIME. If they see each other, a competitive who has it the worst conversation ensues. I'm left wondering how I got into these friendships in the first place, now feel it's very hard to back out.
Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Goditsmemargaret · 06/01/2026 16:12

When I read your title I immediately related.

My irritations are different ones (I did lol at your description) but I don't really enjoy the company of my 'friends' anymore. I'm honestly feeling like a bitch because I'm faking so much conversation.

I think - unless they are new friends - that we both have to admit that if everyone is annoying us then we are the common denominator. I hate blaming peri but well...

Boomer55 · 06/01/2026 16:19

Find new friends then. Sorted. ✔️

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 16:22

Goditsmemargaret · 06/01/2026 16:12

When I read your title I immediately related.

My irritations are different ones (I did lol at your description) but I don't really enjoy the company of my 'friends' anymore. I'm honestly feeling like a bitch because I'm faking so much conversation.

I think - unless they are new friends - that we both have to admit that if everyone is annoying us then we are the common denominator. I hate blaming peri but well...

I'm definitely peri so 99.9% of things irritate me, but this is deeper than that. My friends are such hard work, and I feel like such a bitch for saying that, but I feel like I more have a support role with them rather than being an equal friend, if that makes sense? My DD tells me my problem is that I give people space/time so that means I attract these type of people. I do certainly believe we need to give people our time/help/energy, but surely it's not right that every person in your 'tribe' is like this?

OP posts:
OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 16:23

Well, if literally all of your friendships are like this, it's something you are doing to contribute to the dynamic. How are you presenting yourself while these unenjoyable health monologues are taking place? I mean, are you just sitting there nodding along? Do you talk about your own life, or do you wait for an invitation?

I'm not nit-picking, but you should figure this out before you decide to jettison these friends and make more, otherwise you'll be likely to repeat the same patterns.

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 16:24

Boomer55 · 06/01/2026 16:19

Find new friends then. Sorted. ✔️

Apart from the fact that I'd feel awful about ditching old friends, it's really hard for me to find people who I like and they like me back!
I read on here about going away for the weekend with friends, or even a day trip, and that would fill me with dread with my circle.

OP posts:
normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 16:27

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 16:23

Well, if literally all of your friendships are like this, it's something you are doing to contribute to the dynamic. How are you presenting yourself while these unenjoyable health monologues are taking place? I mean, are you just sitting there nodding along? Do you talk about your own life, or do you wait for an invitation?

I'm not nit-picking, but you should figure this out before you decide to jettison these friends and make more, otherwise you'll be likely to repeat the same patterns.

Yes it must be a me problem. I listen, am very empathetic and I used to be very patient (dwindling rapidly though). I have tried to put in boundaries but I end up feeling very bad about things. I don't feel the need for people to listen to me or to be my confidante, but I'd love to hear a lot less about flatulence, bad burps, aches and pains.

OP posts:
YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself · 06/01/2026 16:31

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 16:24

Apart from the fact that I'd feel awful about ditching old friends, it's really hard for me to find people who I like and they like me back!
I read on here about going away for the weekend with friends, or even a day trip, and that would fill me with dread with my circle.

Same.
Thankfully a weekend away or day trip wouldn’t be suggested (although I’d love to do those things with people if I could find some I actually gel with, like I had back in my uni days).
I see some of my current friends have trips with some other friends I don’t know, and I find myself wondering if the dynamic is different, or are the other friends sitting there listening to a monologue with gritted teeth.

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 16:47

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 16:27

Yes it must be a me problem. I listen, am very empathetic and I used to be very patient (dwindling rapidly though). I have tried to put in boundaries but I end up feeling very bad about things. I don't feel the need for people to listen to me or to be my confidante, but I'd love to hear a lot less about flatulence, bad burps, aches and pains.

But you clearly have expectations that aren't being met. What is it that you are expecting in return for listening to endless tales of burping? Do you ever express those expectations or wishes? Do the burping, flatulent people think you just love listening to them, and go home thinking that you must have had a lovely time too?

fishtank12345 · 06/01/2026 16:50

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 15:58

Name changed for this. I'm mid 40s and I'm in this really 'insightful' stage where I'm coming to (painful) conclusions about my life and relationships. My reality is that I don't have a single friend where it's a normal friendship where you enjoy spending time with them.
The people in my circle are extremely draining, the type when you ask them how they are (expecting "fine, and you?") they literally go into a monologue about their awful wind/madriff pains/constipation/chronic illness or other very random issues. Absolute zero awareness of how they are going on endlessly EVERY SINGLE TIME. If they see each other, a competitive who has it the worst conversation ensues. I'm left wondering how I got into these friendships in the first place, now feel it's very hard to back out.
Can anyone else relate?

I have no friends other than my dh of course, so no. early 40s too. Friends came and gone over the years. never really real friends, more drinking buddies. Moved around a lot since childhood, probably didn't help.

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 17:14

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 16:47

But you clearly have expectations that aren't being met. What is it that you are expecting in return for listening to endless tales of burping? Do you ever express those expectations or wishes? Do the burping, flatulent people think you just love listening to them, and go home thinking that you must have had a lovely time too?

Yes I think they do genuinely think I enjoy being with them as much as they enjoy being with me. Weirdly they complain if they think other people complain too much.
I know the issue is mine, I've always felt the need to go towards those who are on the periphery/socially awkward, I remember as far back as Y1 feeling this way and feeling genuinely really bad for them (and I still do).

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 06/01/2026 17:19

fishtank12345 · 06/01/2026 16:50

I have no friends other than my dh of course, so no. early 40s too. Friends came and gone over the years. never really real friends, more drinking buddies. Moved around a lot since childhood, probably didn't help.

Same here! Don't miss friends at all.

hattie43 · 06/01/2026 17:25

Boomer55 · 06/01/2026 16:19

Find new friends then. Sorted. ✔️

It’s really hard to find friends you click with , lots of acquaintances and people to do stuff with but not deeper friendships or those you’d ask for help at 3am

Thatpastalife · 06/01/2026 17:27

I was like this, just in friendships because I’d been in them for years, no consideration of what am I getting from this. How does it make me feel after I leave them, drained or uplifted. After kids I had a shake up, not necessarily on purpose but spending less time on relationships that drain you lets you spend more time on people that fill your cup. Maybe meet up with some of these friends one on one, the ones you are keener on, the dynamic will shift, either for the better, or if its for the worse, jettison that person (kindly.)
You don’t need to be friends with everyone, its not you job to fix people’s happiness. I’ve met some new friends lately through a hobby and while it will take years (in my opinion) to make the sort of amazing friends, your after, my energy is drawn to a couple of people, and I want to spend more time with them. The others i’m polite, friendly, etc but I don’t make plans with them or text them unnecessarily.

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 17:52

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 17:14

Yes I think they do genuinely think I enjoy being with them as much as they enjoy being with me. Weirdly they complain if they think other people complain too much.
I know the issue is mine, I've always felt the need to go towards those who are on the periphery/socially awkward, I remember as far back as Y1 feeling this way and feeling genuinely really bad for them (and I still do).

But do you like these people, or just feel sorry for them? It isn't clear.

normanagfriends · 06/01/2026 20:08

OnlyAfterwards · 06/01/2026 17:52

But do you like these people, or just feel sorry for them? It isn't clear.

Bit of both really. I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with myself though for being annoyed, if that makes sense? I suppose I've brought it all on myself.

OP posts:
Catza · 06/01/2026 23:02

I think with every relationship it's helpful to look at the common denominator...which is you. And you seem to be reflecting on your role in this and it's a great start! I'm surprised by the number of friends of yours who, in their 40s, have quite so many ailments. I am in the same age bracket and I can only think of one friend who talks about her chronic illnesses (not excessively, but frequently enough for me to roll my eyes internally). Most of my other friends are more interested in talking about art, music, hiking, foreign cinema, gardening... I guess, what I am trying to say is look for people who share your interests through hobby groups, exercise classes or whatever it is you normally do in your free time.
Whatever purpose your friends served in your life, they no longer do. You don't have to ditch them as much as reduce contact.

StCuntyMcCunterson · 06/01/2026 23:05

Do you think you have got less tolerant or they have got less aware? You can still be friends with them and pull away to find some air. I’m in the same boat and I can’t work out if it’s me or them.

Bufftailed · 06/01/2026 23:08

I limit time with people who drain me. Find some more uplifting friends.

OnlyAfterwards · 07/01/2026 09:58

Catza · 06/01/2026 23:02

I think with every relationship it's helpful to look at the common denominator...which is you. And you seem to be reflecting on your role in this and it's a great start! I'm surprised by the number of friends of yours who, in their 40s, have quite so many ailments. I am in the same age bracket and I can only think of one friend who talks about her chronic illnesses (not excessively, but frequently enough for me to roll my eyes internally). Most of my other friends are more interested in talking about art, music, hiking, foreign cinema, gardening... I guess, what I am trying to say is look for people who share your interests through hobby groups, exercise classes or whatever it is you normally do in your free time.
Whatever purpose your friends served in your life, they no longer do. You don't have to ditch them as much as reduce contact.

Yes, I'd overlooked the agegroup! I'm 53 and have a fair few older friends, and the only one who really bangs on about his ailments is a 51 year old who runs ultramarathons and is always moaning about his ligaments or stress fractures. My parents, who are in their 80s, don't talk about their health this much!

OP, yes, you have to an extent brought this on yourself by consistently choosing people you pity as socially awkward and peripheral as friends, but there's no reason why you have to spend the rest of your life dealing with the consequences. Find some new friends and spend less time with the flatulent burping brigade -- despite what Mners tend to say, it is perfectly possible to make new friends in your forties and beyond. I moved countries at 48 just before Covid, so if I can manage, it's certainly not impossible.

But this time, when you're in a situation where you're doing something you enjoy and looking around for potential friends, don't default to 'Who are the peripheral and socially awkward people?' (Is there an element there of 'Well, they're easier to approach because no one else wants to befriend them, and they'll be grateful?' My own mother does this, and she's reaping the dubious benefit, like you, of hour-long phonecalls where the other person talks and my mother just says 'Oh, really?' and 'Oh, yes?')

Think 'Who do I actually like here? Who attracts me as a personality?' And when you are getting to know them, don't continually invite them to talk about themselves and give them the idea you're a reserved and unforthcoming individual who asks nothing more than to listen. Talk about yourself. Put yourself into the conversation as something other than a silent, empathic listener. Be present.

Good luck!

TomeletteswithGreggs · 07/01/2026 10:00

Have you thought of finding friends in a hobby group? That's what I do..We talk about the hobby. Which is fun and joyous.

Dontdisrepectme · 07/01/2026 10:30

I find the way to repel people like this is to have strong boundaries.

I used to have friendships that didn't fulfill me as I was a people pleaser which no one respects unfortunately. I had a lot of takers in my life that didn't give back what I gave out. I truly believe healthy relationships in any form should be reciprocal. I used to have one friend who would use me a sounding post and then drop me as soon as someone more interesting came along. I let her treat me like that though. That's how these people get away with it.

I don't have loads of friends these days but the ones I do have, are equal as in they put in time and effort like I do. No we aren't in each other's pockets every week but we all message. Make time to see each other. Be there when we need each other.

I don't come away feeling bad from these interactions, I feel happy and they always make me feel better. I find by looking what people do and not what they say, is a good indication of genuineness.

It's okay to let people go who drain you. Friendships are supposed to at least be enjoyable. I don't mean when we all go through bad times, not at all. But when it's unequal, they take all of your energy like an enotional vampire and dominate conversations, don't even ask if you're okay then it's time to make new friendships.

Life is hard enough.

EarthSight · 07/01/2026 10:56

You're probably so good as empathising and listening that people naturally think of you as a free therapist, rather than a friend.

However, as you've discovered, you should feel like you're more than a service provider, where the relationship is very much one way.

Sounds to me like you need to invest less time in these friends and more time in making new ones

Nanalovesnature · 07/01/2026 11:25

I have never really have friends other than my husband, not close friends anyway. I have people I am friendly with, who I meet for lunch/coffee, do things with, but at times I am irritated by them and if I never saw them again I wouldn't be bothered. I am not a friendly person, I like being on my own.

liveandlearn73628 · 07/01/2026 11:57

I think no one person/group can "fill your cup" fully. So you need ones for the bit that needs filling at the time. Total strangers will do!

iamnotalemon · 07/01/2026 12:05

If you find your friends draining and don’t want to spend time with them, what is the point? Find new friends. Or are you only spending time with them because you have no one else? (I mean that kindly).
I’d rather spend time alone with people who drain me or are hard work. (I was a people pleaser for years and had enough now).