Anyone else have zero friends that 'fill their cup?'

[normanagfriends]

Name changed for this. I'm mid 40s and I'm in this really 'insightful' stage where I'm coming to (painful) conclusions about my life and relationships. My reality is that I don't have a single friend where it's a normal friendship where you enjoy spending time with them.
The people in my circle are extremely draining, the type when you ask them how they are (expecting "fine, and you?") they literally go into a monologue about their awful wind/madriff pains/constipation/chronic illness or other very random issues. Absolute zero awareness of how they are going on endlessly EVERY SINGLE TIME. If they see each other, a competitive who has it the worst conversation ensues. I'm left wondering how I got into these friendships in the first place, now feel it's very hard to back out.
Can anyone else relate?

Thank you all for the replies, lots to think about. Just to be clear about one thing, I didn't gravitate towards them because it's less work for me or for any personal interest. I've always felt a very strong need to make those on the periphery feel included, even as a young child. It used to upset me a lot to see children who had any sort of difference not being included so always saw it as my role/duty. I had an uncle with severe learning disabilities and as a result always had a person first approach, and people like him just needed extra help to be part of normal life, if that makes sense? I still feel strongly about that. I have a child who is autistic and massively struggles socially, so again I find it hard to back off from people like this because I keep thinking I would want people to help her down the line.

I need to really examine how my need to help is inextricably tied into my identity, and how I can help myself to move away a bit from this.

There's your problem. You don't need to save the world. Move away and find some fun friends.
None of my friends talk to me about burps or flatulence. Not even DH does.

Your DD is 100% correct. I attracted these sorts and then realised I had zero people like me around when some stuff went wrong for me so I stepped right back and changed how I interacted in relationships. I ended two close friendships over it too. It was way too one sided.

I find this attitude difficult to be honest, I feel we all have a duty to be helpful. If everyone just wants fun friends all the time what about those who struggle? I know this is a big part of the problem, I'm just not sure how to move on from it. I don't see it as saving the world or indeed anyone, just a helping hand type of thing.

Both can be true though. You can have some fun friends, be less available for draining friends and still be a good person. You have a fixed idea about how you should behave but it is idealised no one else is behaving this way so just loosen the rope, nothing changes if nothing changes or whatever one of those memes say.

Yes it's only hit me now. My youngest DC had a hospital admission recently which was upsetting and one of my 'friends' phoned whilst the Dr was with us. I very quickly said can't talk now, Dr is here, to which she said "I won't keep you, I'm just phoning for a number of [insert number you could find on Google]". I was shocked by this, there was zero concern for my child, the call was entirely for their benefit, with no acknowledgement or awareness that I was in a situation where I couldn't be googling numbers that they could Google themselves.
So yes, the onus is on me to step back and put in some boundaries, but I feel very guilty about that. I felt awful after posting this thread, but needed to vent.

Have you considered that you may not actually be helping? If someone goes through rough time, sure you should be there. Even then, people have different needs. Some need you to listen, some need you to leave them alone, some need you to offer practical help or advice. Not many of us actually ask people which one of those options they need, we just assume we are being helpful by doing whatever we are doing. And that's for "acute" circumstances.
If someone spent the last 10 years complaining to you about their bad back or their MIL, why do you think it is helpful to "be there" to listen to it? What changed in the last 10 years? Nothing. Maybe they need a fun friend who snaps them out of it and takes them dancing. Maybe they need an assertive friend who sets better boundaries. Who knows...

It's helpful to think sometimes whether you are doing something for them or for yourself. And I have certainly caught myself many times soothing my own need for being needed underneath the "I am being there for my friend" facade. Which is why I changed my approach entirely and actually ask people very clearly now "What do you need from me? Do you just want to vent, do you want reassurance or do you want advice?"

I think it's fine to want to help people. But they should help you too. If they aren't, you are NOT helping them by continuing to let them behave badly. People need pulled up on this so they can adjust and become better friends - if they don't know they're doing it all that happens is that you become resentful and the friendship ends, which does not help them. So if you really want to help, talk to them about moaning less and building a more equal relationship. It's a tough chat, but helping is often tough.

In terms of healthy friendships, my chats with friends might go like:
Friend - Gosh I've got bad pain today so I might not be able to walk as far.
Me - oh no, how annoying for you! Of course we can shorten the walk.
Friend - thanks! How's your dad doing?

Of course sometimes a friend is going through something really awful and you spend a lot of energy over many days listening to them and helping out whilst they are not fun company. But being realistic, this needs to be a short term situation. And they should also do the same for you if you are bereaved or similar.

This is unbelievable. Let her bloody Google on her own. You are enabling learned helplessness. Are they really so ND that they can't Google? If so, they need professional support, not you.

I get you, I attract the draining type of people because I tend to listen and pander longer than most other people and in the end I understand why they have no one else in their lives, I get my hair off and cut friendships off. I’m working on it….

Have you thought that there is support for example talking therapies on the NHS they could use?

You'll surely just end up feeling resentful and unsupported.

What happens when you need a moan or some support? Are they there for you or is it all one sided.

I'm late forties and friends a similar age are going through the menopause and it's a stage in life where there's quite a few problems eg with aging parents and teens for example.

So there does tend to be a bit of moaning but it's reciprocal and helpful in a way to know others have similar issues and you're not alone.

I have also found myself a bit less caring and tolerant of needy people who don't support in return and that might be partly due to hormonal changes.

I have heard quite a few people saying they feel like that around the same time.

I've also met a few draining or difficult people along the way she now am very wary about getting into these kinds of friendships you describe as I find they can have high expectations of support you will give them and they can get a bit angry and upset when it's not provided.

Also maybe have a look at what you are gaining from it for example feeling of helping maybe a kind of feeling of saving them?

Maybe some counseling or something would be helpful.

Also if you are a people pleaser and it will be difficult to break up with these friends you might need to look into how to do that without upsetting yourself and letting them back in.

I really resonate with this , this year I've made a pact with myself to stop crossing oceans for those that have shown in the past year to barely want to step over a puddle for me . One very long term friend has had so much emotional and physical practical support from me , especially on the past five years , 2025 was a really difficult emotional year for me , barely get a text . The other has made it clear I'm only her ' fun ' friend ( nights out , races etc ) as I wasn't much fun this past year , I've hardly had any contact from her either . Hurtful, but I feel quite liberated they've shown me who they are . I'm not as available in 2026

I know what you mean op. Keep good boundaries. I learnt people like when you useful. When I said no they pulled back. If friends negative cut back the meetups

'I need to really examine how my need to help is inextricably tied into my identity, and how I can help myself to move away a bit from this'

You sound pretty self aware OP and it's great that you're getting curious about your role in this dynamic that you find draining. I'm perimenopausal too and I'm changing my attitude to relationships in general. I'm a lot less passive, say no a lot more, I'm still helpful and supportive but it's more strategic now because I need to conserve my energy, and I just have less patience in general

I highly HIGHLY recommend considering psychotherapy - it's so invaluable for learning to understand yourself, what makes you tick, what frustrates you, what you need, what you might want to change. I was in therapy for several years in my 30s and I've just made the decision to restart. Frustrating relationships are just part of the reason for this and I'm feeling hopeful about more peaceful times ahead

No I cut them out of my life the same time I got rid of my X, I woke up one day and thought I’d had enough.

I do, but they don’t live anywhere near me (I went to boarding school so my oldest and dearest friends are far away from me). So I don’t get to see them and enjoy their fructifying presence as often as I would like.

Local friends…I’m late 40s and I’ve had a similar experience to yours OP. A few years ago I finally “broke up” with a small group of friends who had become frenemies and were doing my mental health no good. I’ve never been very good at the finer points of female friendships; people seem to have “mum friends”, school gate pals, work friends, family friends, all on different levels with different rules and expectations. I either connect with someone or I don’t, and I found it bewildering and hurtful being moved between levels, managed and wrong-footed by people I cared about but didn’t really understand.

Come to think of it, all of my remaining friends are ND. I think that’s the way I want it. They understand me and I don’t have the energy for masking any more.