Am I crazy?

[Georgia36]

I'm after some advice please about my partner. I'm considering separating but I keep thinking it over in my mind and wonder if it's me and my behaviour to my partner that is the issue, or I'm too sensitive and over think things that make me feel hurt by my partner. To give some context we've been together 15 years. But for the last 12 years since kids came into the picture we've just not got on.

He hardly has any deep conversation with me, can go all day or days even with hardly talking to me. I've tried addressing this over the years and he says I don't talk to him... then he doesn't help with any of the household stuff, I'm left to manage all the finances, including his (he's a freelance photographer), I deal with all the bills, mortgage, insurance, kids activities, days out, holidays, even the car I have to remind him of. I also work part time 4 days a week. I've asked him to assist me as I get really stressed with it all but he still to this day does not involve himself in it. In fact the other day I asked him again to meet me half way and share the load as I'm struggling and he said I get more days off than him and should have enough time to get it all done...

He shows little love and affection and no sex...

He will cold shoulder me if something has pissed him off. One time a few years ago for example he was off for a whole week, and eventually he told me he was annoyed as the house was a mess...

In the summer his mother stayed for a few weeks. To cut a long story short... he was cold shouldering me and when i tried to address it he gave me a list of things I'd done and called me a narcissist. I then told his mother what he'd just called me and said she said that she agreed with him.

His earnings have been very low, some months have been 1k... and our mortgage is 1k. I can just about cover the rest of the bills with my part time salary, but there is never enough money to do much. I've even had to resort to taking thousands in equity out of our home when things have got really tight. I've asked him to get a employed job, but he's said he wants to carry on trying a make a go of his work. It drives me insane and I'm really stressed all the time never knowing how much money he will earn one month to the next...

Anyway things have been bubbling for some years now and I've tried to address the lack of love and support i feel from him, and also the finance stresses. But he either just says that we are both to blame and need to work at things, he even said i was a gold digger when i asked him to consider getting a paid job... I've arranged date nights, and at one point started doing a Friday night meal just us when the kids were in bed. I did this a few months, but just got the vibe he wasn't that keen, and he never offered to cook... so I gave up. I've arranged nights away, meals out etc. He doesn't arrange or suggest anything.

About 3 years ago I started thinking he was cheating on me for various reasons (things i found which i won't go into here), but mostly because be just made no effort with me and didn't want to have sex with me, and at bed time would just be on his phone. I became very depressed and on one or 2 occasions would get so depressed with how lonely and overwhelmed I felt, I would lay in my bed all day. I think I also had post natal.

I got more and more suspicious he was having an affair so I asked him to look at his phone. He showed me his messages to show he wasn't messaging any one... but I did see a load of messages from his sister saying that he should teach me a lesson for laying in bed, and give me the same treatment. She said there was something wrong with me and that he and the kids didn't deserve to be treated like this. It was all very attacking of me. I was devasted and wondered what he had been telling her about me. I had felt for years at this point that I was in a loveless and sexless marriage, permanently skint etc... every time I tried to address it he didn't take me seriously and some times I would get angry. He just goes quiet and walks away. Discussions have got heated and I'm no Saint, and because he always disagrees with my pov I just get so upset and start shouting etc.

I've begged him over the years to be honest about how he feels about me. And I've even said no hard feelings if you want to leave me, it can be amicable. But he says he loves me and doesn't want that.

Anyway fast forward to now (and by this stage my patience is wearing thinner)... we had a disagreement recently about something to do with our daughter... where I felt very undermined by him. I tried to address it with him and he just closed me down as always. The child in question was being exceptionally rude to me at the time and he was saying nothing other than things i felt undermined me. I've also had a lot of stress at the moment due to all life's pressures and I just flipped and smashed a glass on the floor. A few days later i got a call from social services, and basically he had told someone he knows what I did with the glass and they decided to report me. He had become aware of the report against me before I found out, but he didn't give me a headsup... so I didn't feel like he had my back. He told me what he said in his report to them, which was missing a lot of context, so I said so you didn't really fight my corner then, and he said not really. Anyway, I spoke to them myself and it has all been closed down as it didn't meet threshold for social services, they were actually so kind to me! Meanwhile I'm a complete mess from the stress of being made to feel like a criminal.

Its been about 2 weeks now and he's not talking to me since all this. I don't know what to do and I can hardly eat or sleep. I keep thinking is it him, is he just controlling and uncaring? Or am I insane? Maybe I need to regulate my emotions and I've pushed him away by constantly telling him that I'm unhappy for the reasons I've said above? There's so much more I can write. People are quick to say its him being controlling etc, but I do fight my ground so I'm not perfect, I've sworn at him etc (but I never instigate a fight about something random, it's usually an escalation of something I've brought up and he just dismisses what I say). He's on the phone to his mum all the time so I'm paranoid what is being said about me. He seems to hate me.

I don't know what to do but I don't want to get this all wrong if a lot of it has been my doing. Sorry for how long this is and the typos

Oh wow. He’s horrible. And yes, it sounds like he is hugely resentful and hateful towards you.

There’s so much to pick apart from your post that I could be here all day, but il start with: decent men who love their partner do not encourage/be in cahoots with someone who reports them to SS for smashing a glass. I’d be wondering exactly what he said to this “friend” (who was the “friend” btw?) for them to feel the need to go to SS, as smashing a glass on the floor is a strange reason for someone to decide to contact them.

Seems to me like maybe he’s trying to send you a warning there bc you’ve mentioned separating.

What does he bring to your life that’s positive? Because it all sounds miserable as hell.

Step one would be not to take relationship advice on mumsnet. You can make this decision for yourself.

The first 2 paragraphs say it all....and it gets even worse. What does he actually contribute aside from grief for you? Get your ducks in order, work out your finances and exit plan. He sounds like he is verging on emotional abuse and negligence too.

He sounds cold and disinterested. No wonder you're stressed, flipping out and desperately trying to make him engage, feel something, show you he's willing to do the teamwork you need in a serious relationship. Maybe it's time to bin him off.

personally leave him to raise the kids if he thinks he is so better, him and his sister @Georgia36

I guess it's all I've known for the last decade. And I don't want it to end like this. My mum is always telling me that I'm my own worst enemy and I've never been able to hold a relationship down. She says that I need to be more tactful with how I approach him about the issues... which I think I am. They escalate as he responds as i just feel like he spins everything I say. I feel so sorry for the kids. I've tried to stay for them but the thought of another decade fills me with dread. I forgot to say I also arranged marriage guidance. But it just felt like he wanted to get his point across to the counselor that it was all my fault.

It's was one of my best friends husbands who he told... the either don't realise that it isn't reportable or he's telling them that I'm a nutter? Then he pulled up 2 days ago to take him out to the pub... so they are still friends despite what they did to me.

The reason I've posted on here is because I'm going crazy in my mind. And I don't know what to do.

I've even seen a message from his mum telling him that she spoke to a psychiatrist about me!

You need to leave him.. he is awful and this environment will be horrendous for the children to grow up in too.
If you're covering a lot of the bills already, then I feel like you should be able to manage financially as you'll get some benefits too.
Honestly I think you'll feel a huge relief if you split as he must be making you super stressed.
Good luck x

Is there any one that would be willing to pm me for support? I don't really have any one.

OP I really feel for you. He’s an absolute shit and you’ve got no support from your mum. That’s no coincidence. Because she talks down to you, you’ve understandably got low self esteem which has enabled your husband to treat you so badly. Please leave him and ignore her. I’ve been in your position. It’s lonely, confusing and terrifying. But the best thing you can do is get away. From both of them if possible! Be strong. Wishing you all the best.

OP, you really need to make plans to leave now. He's a cold-hearted arsehole and he's messing you about, but you're getting to the stage of frustration where you're beginning to lose yourself, I think. I say this with kindness, but throwing a glass is bad, and if one of my friends told me that a spouse had done that during an argument, I'd fear for them, whatever the context.
I don't think you want to be that person, and I think you'll be a better person without him. Consider that shattered glass as your rock bottom, and leave.

You are not crazy. Your partner doesn’t treat you with love, respect, decency or kindness because he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. I honestly think he might hate you. He certainly feels contempt towards you and contempt is the desthknell of many relationships. You are tying yourself up in knots, trying to clap with one hand tied behind your back. It’s no wonder you feel like you’re going crazy, this sounds like a painful existence for you and I imagine for your children too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He is literally sucking the life out of you and what are you getting in return? You should consider counselling for yourself to try and understand why you have set your relationship bar so low. And consider talking to Women’s Aid as his behaviour is, I think, on the abusive spectrum by trying to paint you as crazy or a narcissist, when it’s clearly a deflection on his part. As mumsnetters say, you need to ‘find your anger’ and ‘LTB!’ What on earth is there to stay for?

Yes KimHwm it was definitely my rock bottom. I've just a stone in weight since it happened. In some ways it was a blessing as its shown me what he is really like. He's not even asked me what the outcome was with social services or how my phone call went. His not spoken to me since it happened other then transactional things, but he started texting me the other day asking for access to one of my personal accounts that I use to save money for his tax return. He has always known about the account but is now asking me why I have a personal account and what am I hiding. I'm not hiding anything, it was a spare account I had that which was handy to move money to. I think his mum is telling him I'm siphoning cash?

The problem is I know it sounds crazy but I still question whether I'm to blame. I've told him I want a divorce loads so I'm clearly not very nice to him either... although it is out of frustration. I'm so scared and really don't feel strong enough.

Thanks IGJ10 what is LTB? I've been to WA actually.... they say I'm medium risk of coercive control... but I kept saying to them you are only hearing my version of events...

Ah I think I've got ltb lol

My mum is always telling me that I'm my own worst enemy and I've never been able to hold a relationship down

And here’s the likely reason you’re putting up with this awful man - your dm has trained you to believe you don’t deserve better. Where the fuck is the merit in “being able to hold down a relationship “ anyway? You don’t get a medal for staying in a shitty marriage on your deathbed you know?*

It's was one of my best friends husbands who he told... the either don't realise that it isn't reportable or he's telling them that I'm a nutter? Then he pulled up 2 days ago to take him out to the pub... so they are still friends despite what they did to me.

Fucking hell… I’m speechless.

The big problem here is your lack of self esteem - he has done a number on you and your upbringing likely hasn’t helped. Anyone with a shred of self worth would throw this man out on his ear. You’re a boiled frog.

If my dh did even one of the things in your list I’d be showing him the door (after having taken him to the hospital to get his head checked). But going to the pub with someone who actively tried to get your dcs taken off you? Insanity.

I think he’s in cahoots with his friend tbh. Probably told him to do it. I also think he’s telling lot of lies about you to anyone who’ll listen.

He sounds dangerous to me.

but he started texting me the other day asking for access to one of my personal accounts that I use to save money for his tax return. He has always known about the account but is now asking me why I have a personal account and what am I hiding. I'm not hiding anything, it was a spare account I had that which was handy to move money to. I think his mum is telling him I'm siphoning cash

Christ, I hope you didn’t tell him? Don’t tell him anything.

Do you own your house? Are you married?

Well you're probably not very nice to him, no, but you've been ground down by years. As I said upthread, I think you have to own the glass throwing thing and accept that the relationship is harmful and dysfunctional on both sides. Instead of seeing that particular instance as "why hasn't he asked how I am? Why hasn't he asked about SS?" I'd be thinking that you did a really awful thing, and you need to face it. Yes he's a bastard, but you have to get out now, because you committed an act of violence and that is not who you want to be any more.

By the end of this year, you could be living in peace, and honest to God, once you stop fighting for him, it will feel so so wonderful. He is not giving you anything emotionally, so you have to accept that it's not going to change. Giving up can be the most liberating thing in the world! So give up on him.

There is always an element of both people being responsible for the relationship breakdown, however, in this instance there seems to be a clear case of him being a cunt.
I suggest you no longer mention divorce to him and go speak to womens aid instead who can help you to get out of this situation safely.

Am I crazy you ask? From what I've read I would say no but I would say your husband is a gaslighting fuck who is trying to make you crazy.
Sounds like he needs you for money. Sounds like he's even turning the kids away from you.
I would be tempted to leave them all to it to get on with it.
Maybe that's what he wants so you continue financing him.
The only advice I can give is speak to a solicitor or women's aid.
Feels like he's setting you up. Trying to make you go mad. You need a break from that and to learn to be kind to yourself as nobody close to you seems to be.
Sorry not much help @Georgia36 but fwiw sending hugs and a LTB from me.

OP - it seems that you have been conditioned to think you are a 'trouble causer' / worthless ( from your mum too) - that you actually believe this is the case. He's an absolute shit. It's not you. I know it's difficult ,but keep your cards close to your chest, work on your self esteem.and get the hell out of there.

Oh OP really feel for you. He’s gaslighting you and painting you out to be the crazy one. It’s really common sadly. He probably feels shame and worthlessness given his basic uselessness so will tear you down instead of picking himself up.

I’d call a women’s domestic abuse charity (as I have myself in similar circumstances) and tell them all and get their take on it.

Sending lots of support and you’re not crazy - he’s doing his best to drive you to it.

I think you're being emotionally tortured, he sounds so vile.
It's a real special kind of domestic abuse this one - I bet he stays calm, while you end up shouting? My ex was like this. And he was always right. I used to call him (in my head, not to his face!) 'Mr Right Never Apologises'.
It's interesting how much blame you take on yourself - but look at how you do everything - all the finances, mental load etc. This guy moans about a messy house when he's been home all week. This guy instigates a report to Social Services ffs. He is not your lover, friend or ally.
Of course you're not perfect, who is? But he sound like a cold, vile man who actually enjoys riling you and making you miserable.

Dollyfloss... yea married and mortgage... and I put in the initial deposit as well... so I've got more to lose than him...

Kimhwn yes I totally own the glass thing. I told social services I felt terrible and was crying the whole way through the call. I didn't mean to down play it. That's why I'm also questioning myself. But he was so stern the way shut me down and what was going on at the time was a high stress situ... I just snapped...