Am I crazy?

[Georgia36]

I'm after some advice please about my partner. I'm considering separating but I keep thinking it over in my mind and wonder if it's me and my behaviour to my partner that is the issue, or I'm too sensitive and over think things that make me feel hurt by my partner. To give some context we've been together 15 years. But for the last 12 years since kids came into the picture we've just not got on.

He hardly has any deep conversation with me, can go all day or days even with hardly talking to me. I've tried addressing this over the years and he says I don't talk to him... then he doesn't help with any of the household stuff, I'm left to manage all the finances, including his (he's a freelance photographer), I deal with all the bills, mortgage, insurance, kids activities, days out, holidays, even the car I have to remind him of. I also work part time 4 days a week. I've asked him to assist me as I get really stressed with it all but he still to this day does not involve himself in it. In fact the other day I asked him again to meet me half way and share the load as I'm struggling and he said I get more days off than him and should have enough time to get it all done...

He shows little love and affection and no sex...

He will cold shoulder me if something has pissed him off. One time a few years ago for example he was off for a whole week, and eventually he told me he was annoyed as the house was a mess...

In the summer his mother stayed for a few weeks. To cut a long story short... he was cold shouldering me and when i tried to address it he gave me a list of things I'd done and called me a narcissist. I then told his mother what he'd just called me and said she said that she agreed with him.

His earnings have been very low, some months have been 1k... and our mortgage is 1k. I can just about cover the rest of the bills with my part time salary, but there is never enough money to do much. I've even had to resort to taking thousands in equity out of our home when things have got really tight. I've asked him to get a employed job, but he's said he wants to carry on trying a make a go of his work. It drives me insane and I'm really stressed all the time never knowing how much money he will earn one month to the next...

Anyway things have been bubbling for some years now and I've tried to address the lack of love and support i feel from him, and also the finance stresses. But he either just says that we are both to blame and need to work at things, he even said i was a gold digger when i asked him to consider getting a paid job... I've arranged date nights, and at one point started doing a Friday night meal just us when the kids were in bed. I did this a few months, but just got the vibe he wasn't that keen, and he never offered to cook... so I gave up. I've arranged nights away, meals out etc. He doesn't arrange or suggest anything.

About 3 years ago I started thinking he was cheating on me for various reasons (things i found which i won't go into here), but mostly because be just made no effort with me and didn't want to have sex with me, and at bed time would just be on his phone. I became very depressed and on one or 2 occasions would get so depressed with how lonely and overwhelmed I felt, I would lay in my bed all day. I think I also had post natal.

I got more and more suspicious he was having an affair so I asked him to look at his phone. He showed me his messages to show he wasn't messaging any one... but I did see a load of messages from his sister saying that he should teach me a lesson for laying in bed, and give me the same treatment. She said there was something wrong with me and that he and the kids didn't deserve to be treated like this. It was all very attacking of me. I was devasted and wondered what he had been telling her about me. I had felt for years at this point that I was in a loveless and sexless marriage, permanently skint etc... every time I tried to address it he didn't take me seriously and some times I would get angry. He just goes quiet and walks away. Discussions have got heated and I'm no Saint, and because he always disagrees with my pov I just get so upset and start shouting etc.

I've begged him over the years to be honest about how he feels about me. And I've even said no hard feelings if you want to leave me, it can be amicable. But he says he loves me and doesn't want that.

Anyway fast forward to now (and by this stage my patience is wearing thinner)... we had a disagreement recently about something to do with our daughter... where I felt very undermined by him. I tried to address it with him and he just closed me down as always. The child in question was being exceptionally rude to me at the time and he was saying nothing other than things i felt undermined me. I've also had a lot of stress at the moment due to all life's pressures and I just flipped and smashed a glass on the floor. A few days later i got a call from social services, and basically he had told someone he knows what I did with the glass and they decided to report me. He had become aware of the report against me before I found out, but he didn't give me a headsup... so I didn't feel like he had my back. He told me what he said in his report to them, which was missing a lot of context, so I said so you didn't really fight my corner then, and he said not really. Anyway, I spoke to them myself and it has all been closed down as it didn't meet threshold for social services, they were actually so kind to me! Meanwhile I'm a complete mess from the stress of being made to feel like a criminal.

Its been about 2 weeks now and he's not talking to me since all this. I don't know what to do and I can hardly eat or sleep. I keep thinking is it him, is he just controlling and uncaring? Or am I insane? Maybe I need to regulate my emotions and I've pushed him away by constantly telling him that I'm unhappy for the reasons I've said above? There's so much more I can write. People are quick to say its him being controlling etc, but I do fight my ground so I'm not perfect, I've sworn at him etc (but I never instigate a fight about something random, it's usually an escalation of something I've brought up and he just dismisses what I say). He's on the phone to his mum all the time so I'm paranoid what is being said about me. He seems to hate me.

I don't know what to do but I don't want to get this all wrong if a lot of it has been my doing. Sorry for how long this is and the typos

Do not question yourself. He has pushed you to breaking and then the report by his friend sounds like a set up that never worked.

do not give him details of your account. Also move money if you can.

Cards are close to chest. I'm not sure how I approach him to tell him to leave. I'm going to get advice. I'm pretty confident he'll refuse to leave even though he has family he can move in with. After he started accusing me of stuff with the bank account I asked if he could sleep in the lounge as I could no longer bare to lay next to him... he has refused... so I'm now sleeping in my daughters room with her. She thinks it's to do with his snoring... I did try and sleep on the sofa myself but I've got a back problem so it just sets it off... hopefully in a week or 2 I can get him to move out. Although I'm so scared about being alone... even though I know it will be better. And BTW I haven't given him my bank deets

I am actually furious on your behalf. I think @LovesLabradors has just said everything you need to know......but......he has caused Social Services to be called on you, he slags you off to his mother.......and of course he doesn't want to leave, he's living a nice life with his hobby as his job whilst you do all the admin.

And if your own mother is planting doubts in your head,no wonder you've got low self-esteem.

I'm so glad you've shared this because you're getting/are going to get some great advice.

Please times one thousand.....let this be your wake- up call and don't waste any more time.

One of my family members died today, and that makes 5 in 2 years. Life is so bloody short. Don't waste another bastard minute with this lily- livered piece of shit.

Loveslabradors that's exactly what happens. He just goes quiet and just stares at me. I don't know why I've kept arguing with him all these years hoping he would change or see what I'm saying. I do feel he's been alienating me from the kids as well... he is being sickly sweet to them atm and has not left the house all Xmas... I've felt so low and just managing to cope. I can't thank you all enough for these messages

I am in a similar position to you though I’d say my partner isn’t quite as bad, just lazy, lack of intimacy, he’s selfish, contributes barely nothing financially or even in the way of helping out around house/childcare etc

My advice is to get your ducks in a row, plan how you’ll manage life without him.
Dont make any rash decisions. Perhaps speak to a financial advisor, get professional advice.

He and his family sound toxic.

I wouldn't dwell on the broken glass, it sounds like he pushed and pushed and pushed you, a person can only take so much abuse before they react.

It's called reactive abuse, and happens when the victim of an abuser reacts, it looks like abuse itself when out of context.
I'm guessing this is what social services was able to understand.

Your mother is not helping you. A successful relationship takes two people working together, which you clearly don't have!
And how long does she want you to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship??

I mean regardless of who's right or wrong here you are clearly desperately unhappy, have been for years and he has zero interest in trying to fix things. It sounds like you'd be better of separating if its escalating to the point of smashed glasses and sure people will take sides over who is to "blame" but is that really what's holding you back and keeping you in this miserable existence? You might get blamed by some people?

I feel like I know this guy! He's so like my ex - who used to stay so calm and uncaring, I never felt heard at all. He was a high earner whle I was a sahm, and he'd look down on me and treat me like I was stupid too. Then I'd end up get shouty, or upset or crying, and he'd just be looking at me like I was crazy woman. It's no wonder you question yourself - I did too.
I've had 2 years of therapy and only just still recovering from this.
He told me he was leaving me exactly 2 months after my mother's funeral. It was so cruel - it then took him 7 months to move out. I honestly thought I would lose my mind through grief and stress.
He's still torturing me over the divorce now. But it is better that he's gone - I am much happier on my own - I've worked on getting my old self back. Best of luck x

Any username... no you misunderstood me. I'm not looking for blame. But if its me then I need to see it so I can work on it... but I think in reality its more him and there is nothing I can do differently... so just trying to get my head around it

He doesn’t give his effort to the household, doesn’t have sex with you, ignores you as punishment, doesn’t talk to you, bitches about you to his mother, makes barely any money, reports you to SS without discussing anything with you and makes you feel depressed and unloved… just leave him! You’re unhappy and don’t love him so just split. You do not need his agreement to split up.

You should have left a decade ago.

Leave him! He sounds absolutely toxic. Ignoring you is actually a form of abuse. Never mind all the other things you have mentioned. I also wonder, was it him who reported you to Social Services? Seek advice again from womens aid, and good luck

You can’t work on anything with this horrible man, because he doesn’t want to, so there’s no point trying. If you give yourself permission to stop trying to fix the relationship, all the energy and effort you have been putting into that un winnable battle will be available to focus on you instead. Just drop the rope and focus on getting away from him with all the assets you and the kids deserve.

One of the classic abusive behaviours is to paint the other person as mentally ill/unstable. It’s a horribly common tactic.

You will be being mentally impacted by living with someone like this. For your sake and the kids sake you need to divorce him. Likely you’ll be better off in terms of time and money too.

Im really sorry you don’t have the support of your mum. But do it for your daughter. So you can be the mum you didn’t have, who shows her what women are worth.

I’m sorry OP but I work in creative industry and know far too many ‘special souls’ usually men who think they are above doing anything ‘a bit ordinary’ and fall back on very often lovely women running themselves in circles trying to keep it together - often with their own jobs but doing partners taxes, invoicing, bookings etc - they are very often self important arses to their partners and in your case he is treating you like shit - it’s not worth it -

12 years of this! So sorry for you

This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. Please stop blaming yourself for the abuse. Please plan carefully and be smart. He is lining up his ducks, eg alienating kids as you've said, making sure family and friends are all 'on his side', seeking financial details to use against you, contacting agencies against you, making you crazy, undermining you, keeping you on edge etc.

Please see a family law solicitor, quietly of course. Don't tell him to leave until you have a legal plan, and perhaps with WA support, a family plan in place. Don't underestimate what he will try on through the legal system etc. To be nasty in every way is predictable: he has already shown you this.

You might like to read 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans and
'Why Does He Do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. You will see in these books your relationship described, and the abuse you are suffering clearly explained. I think you have been in it and under it for so long your judgment about healthy relationships is affected. This is not your fault, but part of the abuse. But clearly your gut is telling you it is not okay. Your gut is right!

Oh come on OP. You are being gaslit by a family of narcissists. He is a terrible and abusive partner and and a shit father and the behaviour of his awful family is just the icing on a very shit cake.

Hopefully you aren't married as you are the higher earner. You need to end your relationship as soon as possible. He doesn't bring anything positive to your life. He relies on you to bring in the most money, to do the most childcare and to support his hobby job. That all needs to stop.

Your mum doesn't sound very supportive either so no wonder you are second guessing yourself and thinking that you are in the wrong.

I’m amazed that you have stayed with him for so long. Any of the reasons you have listed would be enough to justify you leaving him.

He doesn’t contribute financially -leave him
he doesn’t communicate -leave him
he doesn’t do his fair share - leave him
he speaks to you horribly and doesn’t even like you - LEAVE HIM

you are worth far far more.

Whose house is it? You say partner - are you married?

I’d get legal advice about how to end things ASSP and get his cocklodging arse out of your house.

You might also find it helpful to ring Women’s Aid. He is very abusive.

Wishing you strength.

This is NOT your fault. He is a manipulative abusing twat with a horrible family. I’m sorry your mum is no help either.

It's not you, it's them i.e. your H and his toxic family. They are all conspiring into giving you spaghetti head.

You are in an abusive relationship with him and his wider family and have been for many years. The rotten apple that is your man did not fall far from the rotting tree. What you are describing is very much typical of what happens in those.

Please take heed of these other posters here, particularly Pettenell. I am sorry that your mother is of no use nor ornament either; it's her attitude that partly led you into being with such a man in the first place. She taught you lots of damaging lessons about relationships.

Going forward do contact a local firm of solicitors on the quiet as well as Womens Aid. If you can alternatively go to a branch of Boots and ask for ANI the staff there can direct you to a private area where you can access domestic violence support services. Do not be afraid to get the police involved either; coercive control is a crime.

Please check in here for support if needed.

You will get through this. It’s a tricky chapter you are going through but once you’re out the other side things should start getting better.

Hi I need some support. I've now discovered that he's turned my mum against me and I've also found out he's looking up male victims of domestic abuse. I feel like I'm being completely set up and I feel sick with anxiety. I can't sleep or function.

Stay strong OP - this is textbook. It's DARVO. It's very deliberate.
How is your relationship with your mum normally - because I don't think there's anything anyone could say to my Mum that would turn her against me. Do you have any other friends/family who you can go to for support?
My ex has no traction at all with my family thank god, but he has tried to tell the DC that I am a "narcissistic abuser" - they're having none of it, but I'll never, ever forgive him for that.
I think you need to start opening up to people about how he is treating you - it's such a well-trodden path for abusers to try to isolate & turn everyone against them. Most people now understand how abuse works, how the perpetrator can seem oh so charming, but behind closed doors it's a different story.
I think you need to be making a plan to split with him - it won't be easy, but neither is living like you are now. Engage with him as little as possible. Do not try and argue your case, you won't win with a man like this.

LovesLabradors
thanks so much for replying. Quite a strained relationship my whole life with my mum. I would she is similar to my OH. I think OH has used this to his advantage. I'm so worried I'm really questioning if I'm the abuser. Its not that I want to blame. But this is the nature of why I think I must be crazy.

Am I being gaslit? I know this is an overused phrase sometimes but I'll give some context. Been with DP 10 years and we have an almost 3 year old DS. Since I've had my son things haven't been good between us. In the first months after having DS and being hormonal and anxious, he didn't have sympathy and kept telling me he thinks I'm bipolar. I struggled postpartum with the massive life change and I was snappy, over tired and all the rest of it. But the support just wasn't there. We split when DS was 9 months old and I moved out a few months later.

He then said he'd seen the error in his ways and he should have supported me more etc, and I ended up coming back home. Things were better for a few months and then I started getting chronic migraines and really struggling to deal with that while having a toddler in the mix. I started having dizzy spells along with the migraines (now diagnosed as vestibular migraines) and he became fed up with me straight away. I've always had a level of health anxiety but this was a genuine issue and he kept telling me 'I have sympathy when there's genuinely something wrong with you but I never know when to believe you'. When I eventually saw a specialist and got diagnosed he became a bit more sympathetic but still didn't care that much and got annoyed it I got dizzy while out shopping etc. He then started making comments that 'he didn't sign up to be a carer' even though I work full time and manage everything just fine, I just wanted to talk about it now and then when I was struggling but didn't get the support. I think I've become resentful over the last year with the lack of support from him. I'd ask him to bath DS if I was feeling unwell and he'd sigh and either he didn't want to, or reluctantly do it. We tried having date nights without DS and I found we struggled with conversation and things felt awkward. We started disagreeing a lot around DS as he has been referred for an autism assessment and can't communicate yet and he thinks it's fine to shout at him when he was swimming and jumping on the sofa and that's just not the way I want us to parent. As soon as I have an opinion on something or speak up I'm 'starting arguments' when I try to have a conversation about something.

It's very much his way or nothing and if I even want to discuss anything to do with our son I'm 'undermining him'. So we got to the point last week where we've decided to separate because we just don't agree on anything anymore, and the lack of support from him made me crack. He's already arguing with me about custody arrangements and won't try to compromise. He's telling me I'm 'insane' and he has no idea how he's been with me this long. He's making out that all our issues stem from my anxiety, and he's making me question myself. But then I think to myself 'well no, I've just raised things I've wanted to discuss when they've come up and I've been shut down or told to F off. I am so drained from feeling like I've caused this, even when my family and friends can see I'm always exhausted and have been for some time. He's turning everything I say to him, back at me and making me feel like im a massive issue when I feel like all I've wanted is support and to feel cared for. He didn't go near me physically for weeks, despite me saying to him we're not affectionate with each other anymore. The list goes on really. I don't want to carry this heavy feeling that I've broken our family apart, but I also don't want DS to grow up thinking when Dad tells mam to not have an opinion she keeps her mouth shut. It's exhausting.