Paying the long game when husband had affair - how do I do it

[whatevermaycome]

Before anyone else says it - I know I'm a fool for wanting my husband back but with reflection I have realised I was partly to blame for his affair.

I have two young children (1&3) and two months ago my husband left me for someone he had 'feelings for' at work. She is 10 years younger than him, works in his office and their relationship developed during a business trip.

He says nothing has happened (not sure about this) and is living alone in a flat leaving me with the children in the house.

He visits the children twice a week and we go out as a family on weekends. We still get on very well but he says he doesn't love me any more.

Looking back I was very preoccupied by our two children and was a bit dismissive and unappreciative of him. I didn't tell him how much I cared and we stopped going out as a couple. I know this is no excuse for his behavior but I do appreciate why he may have fallen for someone who paid him a lot of attention.

Anyway, I do want him back and I would be interested to hear how anyone else has approached this situation - did it work.

I realised too late how much I loved him
:-(

This happened to me too. EH and me moved to live in Canada and we were on the bones of our ar$es. I got a job as a waitress he hooked up with some selling team, we barely made ends meet. I had DD and DS to care for, life was hard. I hardly saw him as he worked afield. Guess what, same thing happened to me. Oh we patched it up, we got back together and made a go of it, but when those lean hard times come around again, (and they do because life is like that) there it is.. it looms up and rears its ugly head, 'the affair' becomes weaponary. We plodded on and 11 years later had another baby, but then again, the downs came along, as life is that way - it's not always roses - and we eventually split up. My reason was I could never forgive him. I forgot the gory details but I couldn't forgive him. It tags along with you through thick and thin. When they cross the line like that, its not your fault. Its weakness. I never ever played around on my husband - not even after we separated - but he did. Think about it. I know a lot of people give it a go, but if all were honest do they really get over it and leave it behind them?

hi girls, been reading the thread ( well most of it ...)
my situation is very similar than most of you, except that he just does not love me anymore a couple of months after dd was born(she is 6 months now).
its going from bad to worse , with my ups and downs, i feel better when he is at work cos it breaks my heart to see us like that, plus i dont want to keep crying in front of the wee one. today i ve asked him to move out for a few days to see how i goes, as he refuses any sort of counselling...

Salla - if you read the affairs threads on here, you will see that sex do matter to mature men and they do have affairs.

sigh agree,sadly.

So glad I stumbled upon this thread... I found out 6 weeks ago my husband had an affair, wrote a threat on here the day I found out Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions. DH and I started counselling a few weeks ago which helps but he still so remote and is unsure if he still loves me. I have had a rough couple of weeks but the messages here made me realise I need to show myself as the strong, independent woman I have always been! So from now on I will have a smile plastered on my face and yes, I will doll myself up to go out with my mates (or go to the late night tesco or my friend's sofa).
Btw the book How can I ever trust you again (same author as I love you but..) is a brilliant read for anyone going through this. Stay strong!

That book really helped us too.

ladies, the OP of this thread is from 2008

never mind, carry on if you like, but just FYI

I never noticed that!

it took me a while to notice

then I saw a post from "madamez" and the penny dropped

Well, I wonder how it panned out for the OP.

I always wonder that

Yes MN can be frustrating that way,not having a conclusion.

This thread is interesting.

I suppose I'm in a bit in your DH's position and a bit in yours. I left my DP last year (not for anyone else, I just had "wobble".) A month later I completely regretted it and have been begging for him to take me back ever since.

At first he thought about it but now he doesn't want to. I feel completely wretched and spend every waking hour of every day planning my next "move", wondering when I'll next see him and what I should say and how I should appear to make him want me.

We don't even have children together.

I know I should move on with my life, but can't.

I learned that playing the victim (especially when, technically, I am not one since it's all my fault) doesn't work and pushes him further aaway. When I appear happy and fulfilled, he seems to want to see me more.

cumbria, I am sorry to see you feeling so sad

this thread is an old one though

perhaps you could start your own thread, am sure you would get some support