Paying the long game when husband had affair - how do I do it

[whatevermaycome]

Before anyone else says it - I know I'm a fool for wanting my husband back but with reflection I have realised I was partly to blame for his affair.

I have two young children (1&3) and two months ago my husband left me for someone he had 'feelings for' at work. She is 10 years younger than him, works in his office and their relationship developed during a business trip.

He says nothing has happened (not sure about this) and is living alone in a flat leaving me with the children in the house.

He visits the children twice a week and we go out as a family on weekends. We still get on very well but he says he doesn't love me any more.

Looking back I was very preoccupied by our two children and was a bit dismissive and unappreciative of him. I didn't tell him how much I cared and we stopped going out as a couple. I know this is no excuse for his behavior but I do appreciate why he may have fallen for someone who paid him a lot of attention.

Anyway, I do want him back and I would be interested to hear how anyone else has approached this situation - did it work.

I realised too late how much I loved him
:-(

Your not alone by any means, When things started going wrong in my relationship I just tried harder to be a domestic goddess to impress him. The thing was we'd just grown apart and he had gone elsewhere. The loving mum and housewife wasn't what he wanted anymore. It was absolutely awful at the time. My whole life fell apart but now I am grateful that it didn't work out because after I had been through that awful time and come out the other side, I realised how wrong we really were for each other. And now I must say I am a million times happier with out him. You will be fine no matter what happens because Mums are strong. xxx

What amazing advice on here.
whatevermaycome, fistly, I echo that you are not a fool, you are a strong, focused woman.
Your story is almost the same as mine - are you sure you aren't me? The same thing happened to me 3 months ago, bolt from the blue, no warning, except H had gone further and is in a sexual relationship with ow (I don't think she deserves capital letters..), who is recently separated and has no children, and knew him a long time ago as a teenager. I feel the same as you. I have come to the conclusion (slowly but surely) that I have to start getting on with life, enjoy my chidren (4 and 1), and show H that I will survive, happily, without him. I think trying to do this will help me recover from the shock and devastation, and may even lead to the result I really want, which, like you, is to get the DH I know and love back. He is unrecognisable right now, and behaving in all kinds of ways that I just don't recognise as the man I've known for nearly half my life.
It has scared me looking on MN to see how this story happens over and over again, in almost exactly the same way to so many of us.

Wishing you luck. xx

Things didn't work out for me with xh. I cannot play the long game lol. I think if I had, we might have got back together. He certainly tried, about 4 months down the line, but he'd had lots of affairs, not just one. He knew I adored him, and would put up with anything, and if I'd have forgiven him he'd have done it again and again and again. Much as I loved him, I also had to take into account the person he was, the things he needed from life, and whether or not I needed those things too or was able to supply any of them. We are just too unlike to be together, and it hurt us both (you will see this come out as anger and cynicism in many of my posts!) but ultimately, it's just sad that we didn't choose more wisely to start with.

How wise we can be in hindsight.

Don't think ow deserves capital letters. How true lol.

I think if you are to get back with someone after an affair there need to be very strong groundrules, eg.

1. total honesty - he would have to understand your need to see his phone, his email - he would need to give EVIDENCE that he could be trusted again

1. counselling, and lots of it, from someone who is trained in dealing with events like this, and helping both parties come to terms with it - I think it is really hard for both parties.

1. total breaking of contact with the ow. She must be eradicated. New phone nos., new personal email etc. Any contact that ow does try to have must be shown and worked through together

1. 110% + committment from both parties to do whatever it takes to rebuild.

1. total committment to full and open communication, including learning new ways to communicate. I feel v. strongly that if H had been able/willing to communicate any unhappiness to me, we would not be where we are now.

1. willingness from both parties to accept responsibility for their part in the breakdown. But no more responsibility than that. E.g. on reflection (and I've done a lot of that in the last 3 months), I know that I neglected some of H's needs, and had become stressed and sometimes difficult to live with. I take responsibility for that, and would work on that. However, he must take responsibility for how he dealt with that i.e. not talking to me, and shagging ow instead of trying to communicate with me.

Now I sound like one of my self help manuals. I got a copy of I love you but I'm not in love with you, and it is really helpful, both if you want to work at it, but also with advice on how to cope if the worst does happen.

Thank you for all your experiences - it really helps to know I am not alone in facing this (and the fact it was a complete surprise).

Unhappychick - like you I feel my husband has become unrecognisable and I don't want him back as he is now but how he was (devoted father and husband).

Thanks for the advice on the book - I don't love you - I read it a couple of weeks ago and it has changed my opinion from seeing that he is 100% to blame to accepting I probably contributed to him going and was very difficult to live with at times.

Unhappy chick -also totally agree that if it was to work (and frankly atm he doesn't want to come back!) we would both have to accept our share of blame.

Thanks again

how do you deal with H who just seems cold and distant, doesn't want to communicate with you at all, comes to pick up children's stuff for the night 5 mins before he is due to pick them up from nursery, so that he avoids having to talk to you? Who says that he will come and talk to you about what has happened, but wants to know how long it will take, when you will stop asking questions, as if you are meant to recover from this in 3 months and then be all happy and jolly.

It is a rollercoaster. I was all sensible and seeing playing the long game half an hour ago, and now that H has been round, I am back to crying and in a mess. And saying things to him like what he's done is despicable (which of course it is). The long game is very very hard.

What I struggle with is how to play the long game without him actually just thinking he's got away with it, and you're over him, and moving on. That's what it would look like, being all smiley and relaxed etc around him. Is that what he's meant to believe, and then realise that he wants you still?

TimeForMe is a wise person. Follow his/her advice and you have a good chance. Key that you retain your confidence, self esteem and humour.

I'm a she Toughdaddy and thank you for the compliment

In case you are wondering, i am one of those bastards called men.

I read a good suggestion elsewhere on Mumsnet: ask him to babysit whilst you tart up on a night out with girl friends. If he has any feeling for you he will feel a tiny bit left out. But most of all be patient, and find some other things to focus on.

ALWAYS remember that men are the weaker sex!

I used to tart myseflf up and then go totter around asda in my heels. It doesn't hurt to keep him on his toes

And, ALAWYS remember that men do not have the intelligence that we credit them for

that should be ALWAYS am multli tasking, cooking tea while I type

Social sports are good as apart from social aspect also good for feelgood/endorphins.

I just wonder how old these men are because a lot of this stuff sounds so immature. It's like they cannot deal with any form of rejection at all, in the sexual department iyswim. Mature men can take it or leave it, mine is thankfully like that these days, and I have to say it is all falling on his lap as a result of him being so much more adult, dependable and mature. Ironic, isn't it? I think you should not give in to these men, it will make it worse. Do not relent at all.

me and my dp split up nearly a month ago now....very amiccable and im so relieved that we have ended it....i dont regret the 8 years we spent together, and certainly not our beautiful children. I take responsibility that i was as much to blame as him for the break up...but we just arent in love with each other anymore......and personally i dont want to go back....im looking forward to the future, even though it is scary, and i do feel lonely...but it will pass in time and i really want us to be friends.
I think he is very surprised...if not a bit angry that i am getting on so well with my life without him....he now realises that he wasnt the centre of it and i can do it alone. You will be fine.....I will always love him but i am not in love with him, and i feel that we both deserve better than just settling out of convinience.
I really think that your main concern now should be focusing on yoursel...dont ring him unless its for the kids or for financial reasons. dont ask him where he is, what he's doing, blah blah blah....he will be pissed off that you dont give a shit. Who knows what the future will bring for you, but you will get through this

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thing is,though, you ccan't make someone fall back in love with you if he/she doesn't want to. THe best way forward is to aim for a) making your own life good whether or not it involves any kind of couple relationship ie learning to depend on yourself and rely on yourself so a parnter or a date is a luxury and not a necessity and b) you need to work on making an amicable co-parent relationship with the other person. Which means putting an end to all discussion of anything apart from the DCs wellbeing when you encounter your XP. Don't be hostile, just politely not interested.
This may intrique an XP into wanting to come back or it may make the XP more inclined to at least be civil in return.
Good luck with it whatever happens.

Tough daddy - good to hear from a man's perspective so thank you.

Know what you mean madamez - I can't make him fall back in love with me - but to be honest I feel happier when we get on and can have a laugh and joke - better for the children as well.

I do try to avoid discussion other than that to do with the children or lighhearted banter - have done the tears and it just drives him away and makes him remote and cold (which is horrible)

Will follow time for me's advice and hopefully if nothing else we will be good friends.

Unhappy chick - sorry to hear about your evening. I found it heartbreaking when he came to see the children and he avoided me and was remote so very sad and big hug- I have to force myself to be pleasant but on the whole it makes the situation more bearable.

Unhappychick - reading your last post made me cry.
Whenever I want to throw the towel in and give up on our relationship, I think about him coming to pick the dc up for a visit, maybe with another woman in the car, and that drives me on to try again!

Thats so horrible when they come for the kids and are so cold to you. Its so unnessesary, and so childish. I find it very unfair that they get so annoyed when we cry. I think its because it makes them feel guilty and they are not prepared to face the reality of the situation. do not let these incredibly selfish men ruin your day. Your all worth so much more than that. xxx

WEMC Men don't like to see a woman cry because they don't know how to handle it. They feel responsible for the upset and this in turn causes them to feel guilty, this comes across as a cool detachment but, because women are made of different stuff we take it personally, we think it is directed at is, it is being projected not directed, there is a difference

Next time he comes to collect the children just try saying a cheery "Hi", maybe even have the children ready and meet him at the door so that he doesn't need to come inside. Give the children a kiss wish them a good time and wave them good bye. Meet them at the door again when he brings them back, saying a cheery "see ya" and close the door. This equals damage limitation to your heart and feelings.

I think when you are in such a vulnerable state you will be watching him closely for any signs that he still loves/cares for you. Anything you suspect to be a rejection will devastate you. He will also have picked up on whats going on and you may find he has his defenses up as soon as he arrives. You need to take a step back and allow him to feel 'safe' to be in your company without feeling he is being primed to return home. If indeed he does still have feelings for you and they have just got a bit lost along the way, you will soon find out xx

Just one more tip - If you don't feel it, fake it! For instance, plaster a smile on your face even if you feel like crying. You will soon find it's natural and you are no longer faking it

WMC, how are things this week? How are you managing? Any progress?

I had a text from H yesterday, asking to set up a time to "talk about us", and asking when next week is good for me. I have been asking to talk since the beginning. Now not sure that it's such a good idea, as I know I'll get upset when he's here. I find it very very difficult to talk to him at all, because it feels like he is distant and cold. Sigh...