I need to chat about possible abuse by my dad. TW.

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

I think my dad may have abused me. But I’m not sure.

I don’t remember much of my childhood, however I’ll write the things that I recall.

I had to play a game called Wriggly Worms. My dad would lie on the floor on his back and I had to wriggle up the length of his body until my feet had reached his head.

When we were on the sofa he ‘d want me to cuddle up to him and he’d be squeezing/grabbing my arse the ENTIRE time. The anxiety was insane. I don’t think I was allowed to move away.

When trying on clothes in a changing room in a shop I’d have to come out for him to see the clothes. If I was trying on jeans/trousers he’d then grope my arse to check the clothes fit. Other customers gave me pitying looks but no one intervened (was the 90s).

My mum was largely absent throughout my childhood (working, mental illness, television) so I don’t know if she noticed or picked up on anything. She was pretty abusive in her own way (Almond Mum - enjoyed criticising my appearance).

I’ve gone through some shit recently and gone NC with my parents as a result. But this has ALWAYS been at the back of my mind.

Was this abuse? Or just normal 80s/90s parenting? I’m feeling really conflicted and I need to spend some time getting my thoughts organised so I can deal with them.

This sounds abnormal and abusive. I hope you’re getting support

Certainly sounds like abuse from your dad. You have made the right decision to go NC.

I'm really sorry. It does sound like abuse. We had a priest at primary school who used to play similar games as you described. It's so completely sinister that abusers put this angle on their abuse that it's a game. It takes looking back on it with adult eyes to realise exactly what was happening. I really hope you can heal and move on from this.

Certainly inappropriate, and probably abuse imo. Is there someone you can speak with in confidence, Police?

I agree that it sounds like sexual abuse. I'm really sorry your dad did that to you. I hope some other posters can suggest where you can seek help to further process this. I'm glad you are NC with your parents.

This is abuse. I’m so sorry you were a victim of abuse. There is no doubt. Not only abuse but you were abused by the very people supposed to protect you. Your ex father abused you and your mother did not (because she could not or would not) protect you and neither did the people that witnessed it. I would advise you find a therapist that deals with Sexual abuse and if you can and feel up to it to disclose it to a close friend, or a via supportive GP. If you are disclosing to a medical professional I would be clear in your words - I have made an appointment to disclose an abusive childhood. Ask the receptionist for a slightly longer appointment and just say you want to see the GP to disclose and discuss some things that happened in your childhood. You can also do this via an online request if you don’t feel up to phoning. But it helps the GP prepare for the consultation.

You are not responsible for what your ex father did to you. You did not encourage it, ask for it, you are the victim.

abuse. sorry op. it does sound like he was a bit perverted.
does he have access to any children now as he couod do that to them too.

Abusive behaviour. Sexual abuse and controlling. You clearly had no choice as you repeatedly say you ‘had’ to. You were made to do things you disliked and made you anxious. And those things were sexual. I have no doubt your Dad enjoyed the control in making you feel uncomfortable and you could not say no.

So sorry OP.

It is abuse. I don’t like the phrase ‘sounds like abuse’ as it then sounds like there is a possible different interpretation and they are opening up to justification. Your post describes grooming and abuse, emotional and sexual to name two types of abuse.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s abuse.

Was this abuse? Or just normal 80s/90s parenting?

I was born in the late 70s and no this was not normal parenting of that time. I guess you are now questioning because you know deep down what your gut is telling you. No child should be groped by their parent and made to feel uncomfortable and anxious. I admit I got the odd slap from my folks back then but never ever anything like what you are describing. Good for you for cutting them off.

It's sexual abuse. It makes no difference if you were born in 70s or the 90s, what you describe is abuse. There's no excuse or reasons for a man (regardless if a Dad, uncle, cousin or brother) to grope a child's backside or to play games that require them to wriggle down a grown adults body. It's inappropriate, at the highest level.

Please seek some professional counselling that specialises in sexual abuse, to talk through your feelings and emotions.

This is abuse from your father. It’s not your fault this happened to you, it’s on him. It was not a part of 80s or 90s parenting.

I would contact NAPAC as this is an organisation specifically for those abused in childhood.

https://napac.org.uk

I'm sorry you experienced that.
Do you think counselling might help you understand what happened?

No this isn’t ok or normal and I’m so sorry you were let down as a child by both of your parents.

Please reach out the the appropriate charities for help and advice and I hope you’re able to live a happier life without your parents in it.

Abuse for sure. So sorry for you. Sending love ,stay strong x

I'm so sorry, definitely abusive.

Does this man have access to children? If so you might need to help them by flagging up to the authorities.

Wriggling worms game and cuddling could be nothing alone if you were very young. Touching your bum when you tried on trousers is definitely abnormal, I couldn't think of any innocent reason for him to that.

My dad is old now. He’s almost blind and has Parkinson’s.

He actually recently disowned me after I left an abusive relationship. I was gutted at first but I’ve had some time to relax and little memories are zigzagging their way back into my mind.

My mum lapped up my ex’s tales of my exploits like cocoa and probably recited them with glee to my dad, who also has a history of believing the worst of me.

I can’t contact the police as I called them recently when I found out my ex was trying to get my new address and they said they couldn’t do anything until he does something. (That alone brought back some other repressed memories of the police refusing to help me.) If I thought he was still a danger I would buck up and get on with it but I honestly don’t think he’s a danger - he barely goes out these days.

It’s all a mess. My head is a mess. I really have some serious shit to wade through.

Thank you for your responses.

The bum touching went on until my teenage years. That was when it got worse.

100% abuse. In no way normal. I hope you feel able to access support.

Definitely abuse. Some counselling to talk it through might be worth thinking about. You never were and are not at fault for his behaviour. Take care.

I have found the nspcc really helpful for discussing this stuff, there are also adult survivors organisations.
CSA often looks so different from the way it’s historically been portrayed on media, it can be really hard to identify it in your own life where you took these things as being “normal”.
What you are describing is not normal, and it is abuse. That’s what it looked like in your family.
sadly it’s incredibly common, it’s not some exotic and rare event, this is awful but I hope helps you accept that yes, it did happen to you. Validation is so important. Sending love

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon I’m really sorry for what you have been dealing with. It’s generally considered that support in this area needs to be specialised rather than general counselling. You might find some of the links here helpful: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/support-in-your-area/