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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found viagra in partners rucksack

68 replies

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 06:45

Hi Im sorry if this is long but I am in work now so away from partner with unfortunately more time to think. I just feel rubbish. Got with him over teo years ago . He was severely addicted to porn and wanking. For maybe a year he could never ever finish through sex but would by wanking after sex. This broke me. Im against porn . I hate the stuff and class it as cheating. He knew this and the one time he managed to finish the relief I felt was sad to be honest.
then I found out that he had put porn in his phone when we were having sex and hid it at an angle but just enough so he could see it . Im not lying when I say iv never ever felt so low, lost and ugly in my life . It still messes with my head to this day. He said it was because he didn’t feel like a man . So done it to finish. But if that was the case then why would he also watch it after everything I told him about it , how it made me feel and also as soon as I would leave his house for work or any reason what so ever ? It’s because he didn’t care how I felt .
we would be having sex for hours with no end . Then I found countless stashes of viagra in his works van . And also they were delivered to his house when I was there . Again this made me feel horrible about my self because at this point things were a lot better with him being able to finish. I told him how I felt about the Viagra and he basically laughed in my face and took two in front of me. I still feel unattractive and honestly traumatised by all this . If I ever bring it up not wanting to argue he flips out. I want to trust him thats all I have ever wanted to do . So I thought with me saying about the Viagra it would have stopped . This was a year and half ago and iv never found any since . I left just before Christmas because of his drug use , cocaine ect. Im highly against drugs . Don’t want it in my life . He doesn’t get it again flips out says there is nothing wrong with it and im controlling . He also says why does it affect me if he takes it . Again just makes me feel like I mean nothing.
when I did go back 8 days ago sex felt different. He couldn’t get fully hard and once again would struggle to finish . It’s hurt me because I think porn again but apart from mentioning to him sex feels different a few days ago iv not said anything else .
we went away this weekend and again same issue weather in touching it , oral or sex it’s never fully hard and will just go floppy after a few minutes. That happened in the night . I mentioned it . He kicked off the whole night until early hours of the morning . We did make up and tried sex and again couldnt get fully hard . I went down stairs and went to get my coat . His rucksack fell off the hanger and could came a tiny ball of foil . I opened it and found a half eaten tablet . Put it on Google image and it’s Viagra . So I ask him why is there a half eaten Viagra in his bag. He said he brought to take when we were away and he took it in the morning . We tried having sex in the morning and it wouldn’t get hard. So I know hes lying . I lied and said I found it the day we got there and it was still half eaten . He said maybe I took it the day before . So again I think he was lying .
at this point I started crying because I was thinking either hes been cheating on me or when he’s been taking coke when we argued hes been taking Viagra to get hard , watching porn and wanking for hours and it brings it all back to me.
i feel so worthless . He promised me hes never cheated or have used it like I said but I really don’t know what to believe .
we got home and I started touching him in bed just to see if things would be different but this time it didn’t go hard at all . Can anyone please help me with the way Im thinking ? Thankyou

OP posts:
FeralWoman · 05/01/2026 06:49

LTB.

washinwashoutrepeat · 05/01/2026 06:51

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. So many red flags everywhere.

prioritize yourself and your inner peace. Walk away from this one. This is not a relatiknship worth saving.

ISeeYouHere · 05/01/2026 06:51

He’s sexually dysfunctional, he takes drugs, he wants to argue all night. Surely none of this is attractive to you, why are you even concerned about being attractive to him?

Snowingtoday · 05/01/2026 06:55

You aren't the problem OP. He is.

He is a porn addict. Things won't improve, only get worse.

You really should leave this man for your own good.

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/01/2026 07:00

What you say you want and believe in doesn’t line up with this man. You are against porn, drugs, and viagra and have chosen to continue a relationship with a porn and coke addict who takes viagra. There is no mystery here OP apart from why are you expecting/hoping/wishing for this man to be anything other than what he has clearly shown you he is!? He will not stop any of this stuff for you or for anyone else. It is hopeless to believe or hope otherwise. Leave and find who you want, and stop trying to force this dysfunctional man to be someone he is not.

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 07:03

Thankyou all for your replies . I will get back to you when I have free time but can you tell me if how I feel is ok ? Have I got any right to feel the way I do ? Is it me and am I the problem ? Thankyou

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 05/01/2026 07:05

“I told him how I felt about the Viagra and he basically laughed in my face and took two in front of me.”

If this is a genuine post - OP this man has zero respect for you. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but you don’t seem to have any kind of meaningful relationship. Leave now.

strawberryhi · 05/01/2026 07:05

OMG that’s awful please please don’t feel bad about yourself this is HIS PROBLEM nothing to do with you at all. Sex should be enjoyable for both with someone you love and fully trust. He is messed up in his own head and this won’t get any better. I swear you are so much better off without this abusive person please leave and get some help from your gp and womenaid.org.uk . You are worth so much more. I wish you the strength to put yourself first and leave x

GenerousGardener · 05/01/2026 07:15

Yuck yuck yuck. This man is vile, why are you with him? If a close friend told you this was her life right now, what would you say? It’s absolutely fine to feel the way you do, hes revolting. Leave him and let him wank himself to death. This is all him and not you.

MJagain · 05/01/2026 07:27

ISeeYouHere · 05/01/2026 06:51

He’s sexually dysfunctional, he takes drugs, he wants to argue all night. Surely none of this is attractive to you, why are you even concerned about being attractive to him?

This.

WHY would you want to have sex with this man?

You need therapy.

MJagain · 05/01/2026 07:28

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 07:03

Thankyou all for your replies . I will get back to you when I have free time but can you tell me if how I feel is ok ? Have I got any right to feel the way I do ? Is it me and am I the problem ? Thankyou

IF this is real then the problem you have is understanding why your self esteem is so low that you need to ask this question

LoudSnoringDog · 05/01/2026 07:30

Jesus Christ bin this one.

FeralWoman · 05/01/2026 07:31

You’re not worthless. Don’t feel ugly, low or lost. This is all about his addictions to porn and drugs. He doesn’t respect you at all.

Pick up whatever is left of your self respect and self esteem and leave him properly. Don’t go back him. He’s a disrespectful addict who doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 05/01/2026 07:33

Just bin him. He’s a porn addled loser.

GCAcademic · 05/01/2026 07:37

I honestly don't understand why you would put yourself through this. I agree with PP who has said that you need therapy. You're in a vicious circle where you are clearly in this relationship because you have low self-esteem, but the relationship is futher eroding your self-esteem. You need to finish with this pig and then seek help from a therapist.

Endofyear · 05/01/2026 07:45

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 07:03

Thankyou all for your replies . I will get back to you when I have free time but can you tell me if how I feel is ok ? Have I got any right to feel the way I do ? Is it me and am I the problem ? Thankyou

The only problem you have is that you have put up with this relationship and this man for so long! You can do SO much better and you deserve better. Leave him and move on with your life.

VoodooQualities · 05/01/2026 07:57

He sounds like an absolute prince among men so you should do everything you can to stay with him forever.

Not really, he sounds like pond slime. Leave him immediately and then spend some time away from men until you can understand why you allowed yourself to get involved and stay with him. You deserve much better than this - this man has no business being with a woman.

JustMyView13 · 05/01/2026 08:05

Why are you with him? Why did you ever get with him?
You’ve said from the start that he’s into several things you are firmly against. You can’t change people, and you’re kidding yourself if you think you can. You either need to accept his porn / viagra / drug use as part of who he is, and realise that this probably helps him to be whatever aspects of him you do find attractive and love. Or move on & stop wasting your life with him.

MeTooOverHere · 05/01/2026 08:08

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 07:03

Thankyou all for your replies . I will get back to you when I have free time but can you tell me if how I feel is ok ? Have I got any right to feel the way I do ? Is it me and am I the problem ? Thankyou

Your feelings in response to his behaviour are rational, yes. You are right to feel this way, yes. You are NOT the problem, no. He is.

However you need to focus on why you want to be with this man who is abusive. Why him? What is so great about him? You need to speak with a counsellor about why you think you need to be with him, a porn and coke addict who takes viagra.

FrightfulNightfull · 05/01/2026 08:16

Why does he want a partner? He can’t enjoy sex, argues about his cocaine and pornography addiction with the girlfriend he has, doesn’t want to do anything about these addictions, takes viagra lies about that..
He would obviously be just as happy, if not happier without you…or so it seems.
OP - there are plenty of men who would be more than willing to have a meaningful attempt at changing to be with you and just as many if not more who would love to be with you as a real relationship.

This guy has massive heart attack written all over him and he’s abusive in keeping you awake all night let alone the rest of the shit. It’s just BORING to be porn-addicted - it’s like he’s permanently 15 or something. I don’t know how you could muster up desire for him and I’m sure you’d be happier alone than around him.

falalalalalalalallama · 05/01/2026 08:23

maybeinanotherlife06 · 05/01/2026 07:03

Thankyou all for your replies . I will get back to you when I have free time but can you tell me if how I feel is ok ? Have I got any right to feel the way I do ? Is it me and am I the problem ? Thankyou

Yes, you have every right to feel you're not being treated well, and it's normal to feel awful about that. No, you are not the problem, he is.

However, it doesn't then follow that you can demand he changes and he must. You can ask a person to make changes, but if they won't - and this man is plainly showing you he won't - then there is absolutely no point sticking around and hoping he will see the light and change his behaviour. He is an unpleasant man and you deserve so much better. Your only healthy option is to leave. It isn't going to get any better with him.

PInkyStarfish · 05/01/2026 08:27

He bro he nothing to your life but misery. You are a prisoner trapped in the hope of ‘one day it will all be ok’!

Unfortunately that day will never come (no pun intended) and you will waste years of your life with him, each years losing more and more of yourself until you are completely crushed and worn down.

Get out now whilst you still can, he’s absolutely ghastly.

Doublebubblegum · 05/01/2026 08:33

Whether he might have cheated or not is neither here nor there. He's awful. You deserve so much more than this. Seriously - dump him and never go near him again. He is dysfunctional and will never, ever make you happy. You've been with him so long that you're finding it difficult to see things clearly - totally understandable - but read back your post and imagine this was your best friend or sister or daughter writing it - what would you tell them to do?

DaisyChain505 · 05/01/2026 08:34

You’re against porn yet you’re with a man who watches porn.

You’re against drugs yet you’re with a man who takes drugs.

Leave this relationship.

It isn’t working, he isn’t going to magically wake up one day and stop these things so all you’re doing is destroying yourself.

Want more for yourself.

This isn’t what a relationship should look or feel like.

caringcarer · 05/01/2026 08:35

Why would you even want to have sex with this vile porn and drug abuser? Bin him off and find yourself a considerate partner.