Hi Im sorry if this is long but I am in work now so away from partner with unfortunately more time to think. I just feel rubbish. Got with him over teo years ago . He was severely addicted to porn and wanking. For maybe a year he could never ever finish through sex but would by wanking after sex. This broke me. Im against porn . I hate the stuff and class it as cheating. He knew this and the one time he managed to finish the relief I felt was sad to be honest.
then I found out that he had put porn in his phone when we were having sex and hid it at an angle but just enough so he could see it . Im not lying when I say iv never ever felt so low, lost and ugly in my life . It still messes with my head to this day. He said it was because he didn’t feel like a man . So done it to finish. But if that was the case then why would he also watch it after everything I told him about it , how it made me feel and also as soon as I would leave his house for work or any reason what so ever ? It’s because he didn’t care how I felt .
we would be having sex for hours with no end . Then I found countless stashes of viagra in his works van . And also they were delivered to his house when I was there . Again this made me feel horrible about my self because at this point things were a lot better with him being able to finish. I told him how I felt about the Viagra and he basically laughed in my face and took two in front of me. I still feel unattractive and honestly traumatised by all this . If I ever bring it up not wanting to argue he flips out. I want to trust him thats all I have ever wanted to do . So I thought with me saying about the Viagra it would have stopped . This was a year and half ago and iv never found any since . I left just before Christmas because of his drug use , cocaine ect. Im highly against drugs . Don’t want it in my life . He doesn’t get it again flips out says there is nothing wrong with it and im controlling . He also says why does it affect me if he takes it . Again just makes me feel like I mean nothing.
when I did go back 8 days ago sex felt different. He couldn’t get fully hard and once again would struggle to finish . It’s hurt me because I think porn again but apart from mentioning to him sex feels different a few days ago iv not said anything else .
we went away this weekend and again same issue weather in touching it , oral or sex it’s never fully hard and will just go floppy after a few minutes. That happened in the night . I mentioned it . He kicked off the whole night until early hours of the morning . We did make up and tried sex and again couldnt get fully hard . I went down stairs and went to get my coat . His rucksack fell off the hanger and could came a tiny ball of foil . I opened it and found a half eaten tablet . Put it on Google image and it’s Viagra . So I ask him why is there a half eaten Viagra in his bag. He said he brought to take when we were away and he took it in the morning . We tried having sex in the morning and it wouldn’t get hard. So I know hes lying . I lied and said I found it the day we got there and it was still half eaten . He said maybe I took it the day before . So again I think he was lying .
at this point I started crying because I was thinking either hes been cheating on me or when he’s been taking coke when we argued hes been taking Viagra to get hard , watching porn and wanking for hours and it brings it all back to me.
i feel so worthless . He promised me hes never cheated or have used it like I said but I really don’t know what to believe .
we got home and I started touching him in bed just to see if things would be different but this time it didn’t go hard at all . Can anyone please help me with the way Im thinking ? Thankyou