Dissapointed with your sex life Part 4

reallyembarrassedbut · 24/01/2005 15:56

I did tell her, and she looked at me as if i was mad, and when i hugged her the next day, she asked the same question.... rolls eyes.

There are some condoms in the house, i imagine they're out of date to be honest with you, and i think me nuying some more will just raise awkward questions - of course maybe they are being used, in which case i don't want to know.

I've written letters, i've done all the clumsy gauche things you'd expect, and, well, the long and short is that physical intimacy just isn't simething she needs.

Original poster

Branster · 24/01/2005 21:15

Well, if they are being used you should want to know. At least then you're free to get a s**g somwhere else without the guilt factor.
BTW, is there any chance she might have someone else? Only asking, because I used to wonder if DH was having an affair at some stage.

It seems to me like you've done all you can so far. Now you have to choose if you're going to take her out and try and get to know her again or just play hard to get (might get the total opposite effect but at least you try all the avenues)

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Lonelymum · 24/01/2005 21:54

If I were in your shoes REB (but retaining my personality of course) I would have a darn good heart to heart with my dw and want to know what on earth she is thinking of and does she really want to continue with the relationship. I couldn't bear to have such a stranger for my partner. Was she always so cold emotionally? What attracted you to her in the first place?

reallyembarrassedbut · 25/01/2005 10:42

She isn't cold emotionally, but distant physically, and i think part of the problem is the relationship in my head between the two.

Lonelymum · 25/01/2005 11:04

Well was she ever keen on sex then?

reallyembarrassedbut · 25/01/2005 11:05

i used to think so.

i was never very good though, having said that.

Lonelymum · 25/01/2005 11:10

Have you considered sex therapy? I know what the answer is: your dw wouldn't go?

reallyembarrassedbut · 25/01/2005 11:13

kerching yup

PlainFlum · 25/01/2005 11:15

Have an affair. Get your mojo back.

Everyone is good, they just need tickling in the right place.

Horrific to say but its the best thing that ever happened to my parents marraige. Which had gone very stale.

reallyembarrassedbut · 25/01/2005 11:20

i suppose, reading between the lines, it might just be that, that i'm not very good - i can't imagine many people i'd less rather sleep with than, rm, myself, but i guess most people think that

PlainFlum · 25/01/2005 11:24

I don't I think I'm great, I'm probably not. Sometimes am v. lazy and just lie their like a sack of spuds, but try not to as not fair on dp.

I have afriend who got into tantric sex, said it is amazing, revolutionised his view of sex.

My dp used to have ermmmm 'performance issues' with previous girlfriends, due to nerves etc and them not being too understanding.

We have not had that problem, hence why we have child together and getting married etc. But wouldn't be surprised if it occurred in future and it will be difficult but who knows what the solution will be,

Lonelymum · 25/01/2005 11:33

It is not about how good you are. Most of us are not good and some of us who say we are good are pretty abysmal too. There is so much pressure today from TV, magazines etc to be "a great lover" and "doing it" ten times a day. That is not real life, that is media hype!

Dh is no Casanova and I couldn't be less interested in sex, but I remember when I met dh and we were playing cards once in a hotel (don't ask!) He wrapped his legs round mine under the table as we were playing cards and I nearly climaxed there and then such was the strength of attraction I felt for him. Of course now if he wrapped his legs round mine, I would probably find it annoying! But that is my point. It is not how good you are as alover that counts but how attracted you are to each other. Your dw seems to have lost her attraction to you and you need to do something about it. I would suggest sex therapy as the most moral route, but I wouldn't be seen dead with a sex therapist and neither would your dw so maybe you need to think of another route. But don't blame yourself and say you aer not a good lover because, true or not, that is irrelevant. Here endeth the lecture.

redsky · 25/01/2005 22:52

PF - shocking tho it sounds, your suggestion did the trick for dh and me.. I felt totally unloved by dh and sex life had always been disappointing to say the least (but enough to produce 2 children). I was desperate for affection after 15 years of 'little contact' marriage and on the point of separating from dh when my chiropractor referred me to sports masseur. Don't know if chiro knew anything about him but I learned a lot from masseur! Immediately told dh what had happened and that I couldn't wait to return there. I probably saw this masseur over about 6 months, about 8 years ago. Result dh and I now have a FANTASTIC sex life and marriage - loads of affection and now we always sleep huddled together - (for years I used to LONG to do that but we just couldn't bridge that gap). It turned out that dh had missed the loving and affection just as much as I had - I was stunned to discover that as I thought he just had a really low libido. I know it was a very sordid thing to do but I can't help feeling the end justifies the means.

munnzieb · 26/01/2005 09:43

WE had this prob about a yr ago, thou I thought DH was havin an affair so that's why I went off sex weith him, but I never realised how rejected he felt about all of it until recently (only cos he did it to be once and then he said now you know how it feels!) we went to a relate type thing and the bloke there said that the effort had to come from DH in other aspects of our relationship, he had to wake up every day and think how can I make her happier todya than yesterday? and if he went to bed thinking yes I've made her happy today I would be, this chaps theory was Dh can try to be the boss, but it won't work, he can try to let me be the boss but really be it himself and it won't work, he can let me be the boss and i will work, (and it has) if he does small things for me, I do things for him.

Have you tried time alone with your wife? (we also had a big heart to heart), DH also has a thing of candles all around the bef droom (I have to stay watchin TV and he'll slink off upstairs early) so he put's candles all around and soft music, lights out, and he does go a good massage (you can get nice oils from Boots) and see how things go, If she's not ready for that much try just cuddl,ing in bed so a bit and see what happens.

Would not reccommend an affari I did it about 3 yrs ago, and I still feel guilty about the hurt I put DH thru, (if the roles were reversed I wouldn't have stayed with him so I am v grateful he did with me)

reallyembarrassedbut · 26/01/2005 13:15

We're MILES away from that - we don't get any time together, not since DH.

I'd love to start with a hug in bed, but the response i get is, well, negative.If i'm honest, she doesn't love me anymore - she's just sort of used to having me around. I do try to make her happy, i try to be a good husband, father and all round person, but i don't do it very well, she's always angry or unhappy, not nessecarily with me, but just sort of generally.

Original poster

Branster · 26/01/2005 17:35

if she's angry and unhappy in her general attitude DH, then she has a reason fo it. It might be something obvious (like lack of money, wanting to go out and have a creer and not being able to etc)or something that it wouldn't cross our minds(she has a hang-up about a particular part of her body, or she's like to have a particular hobby but cannot afford becasue of time or money, even smaller things etc). There is some form of unfullfilment with her and until you find the cause for it you never ever be able to help her overcome whatever problem bothers her. Not having time on your own since ds it's the biggest killer in a relationship. saying that, an awful lots of time I spent time with DH and we have nothing to share. Does she ever get time on her own, I mean absolutely on her own. If you were to take ds out for half a day and she could have the house to herself just to ahve some spare time to do whatever she wants, without the need to do any house chores.
I'm running out of ideas here...

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lulupop · 26/01/2005 18:02

Sorry to jump in here, but I've lurked on this thread for a while, as REB's wife sounds a lot like me in some ways. Obviously there could be loads of complex reasons why she acts like this towards you, REB, and you've had some very helpful suggestions here on what her motivations could be, IMO. It's just that, I have also become quite withdrawn from my husband over the last year or so, and my reasons are much more straightforward. Our relationship is crap and it's only the children that keep us together (we have both ackowledged this at separate times). He has changed physically, and I used to think that if he lost a bit of weight I'd feel different, but I know now it's not that - it's just that mentally we are poles apart and I find it impossible to get sexually excited about someone who in every other way feels like a stranger to me. He's a nice guy most of the time, a good father, and all the rest. But the X factor is just not there and hasn;t been for quite a while.

Why haven't I left? Well, I think that's what 2005 holds for us, but tbh up to now it's just been easier to stick with the devil I know, especially since just falling out of love seems a bit of a cop-out for ending a marriage. If my husband was a friend of mine and told me his wife didn't want to sleep with him any more and the relationship was cool to say the least, I'd say Why don't you leave her?, but of course it's not that straightforward. He doesn't want to leave because he's afraid I;ll try and take the kids away; I don't want to leave because I'm afraid of the great unknown. But we both know it can't go on like this much longer.

I know that all sounds really depressing, but I'm just trying to say that perhaps your DW's behaviour has a much more prosaic basis than fear of pregnancy, or anything like that. Could it be that your marriage (in her eyes) has just gone a bit stale and she can't see how to get back to the way things were? If this is the case, maybe some counselling could help? Would she go?

triceratops · 26/01/2005 18:05

could she be depressed?

Lonelymum · 26/01/2005 18:16

I would say that if she is perpetually unhappy and angry with something then she definitely is depressed. No disrespect REB, but your home life sounds pretty miserable all round. Can you get pleasure together from anything? Is your ds a joint source of joy?

reallyembarrassedbut · 26/01/2005 22:38

i have this feeling 'm digging a deeper hole here...

i am a taker outer - i love my son, absurdly, and he and i do stuff together as much as we can, in fact when i'm not at work i worry that we exclude her a bit, but of late we've done more stuff together, but it always seems to end up in a petty row.

maybe the marriage is over - i'm pretty dull, don't earn good money, i'm not funny or sexy or anything like that - maybe she's seen through whatever spell i cast however many years ago

she wouldn't go to counselling, just like, right now, i REALLY don't want to go to bed

Original poster

Branster · 26/01/2005 22:41

that's OK REB, you can stay here for a while if you don't want to go to bed. i'm working away and keeping an eye on mn at the same time

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Original poster

Branster · 26/01/2005 22:45

you say:
'i'm pretty dull, don't earn good money, i'm not funny or sexy or anything like that'.
Is she any of those things in your opinion?
most people feel the same about themselves but enough is never enough for most of them so you shouldn't feel let down by such personal standards.
I for one think you're very funny. Don't know about sexy because I haven't met you, but that's usually a mixture of attitude and interesting looks and it depends on who likes you.. As for money, that so does not matter! believe me. For someone who loves you it really does not matter. And the quantity is relative when it comes to money anyway.

why haven't you got a mistress yet?! I would have by now.

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jordylass · 26/01/2005 23:18

REB, I thought you were my DP when I read that last message, only thw 'wouldn't go to counselling' doesn't work.
I initiated counselling, but I'm leaving this weekend.
I don't know if I'm looking at this from a completley differnet perspective, and I apologise for the rant as it's pretty raw here at the moment, but the reason my man turns me off, is cos he has no self esteem, and for you to say not funny, sexy whatever sounds just like that. He blames me for him feeling shit, when in fact life for him is shit cos that's what he expects, and trying to blame others for that isn't ever going to make him feel better.
For other people to like you, you have to like yourself.

lulupop · 27/01/2005 08:47

REB, there've been a few suggestions that your DW might be depressed to be behaving the way she does, but have you thought about the possibility that you might be depressed? "I'm not funny, sexy or anything like that..." - sorry to sound harsh, but for God's sake, if that's what you think of yourself, you're not going to be projecting a very sexy image to your DW!

Low self-esteem can be very damaging to relationships, and can lead to something of an "innocent victim" mentality IMO. The whole "I don't deserve to live like this, I deserve better treatment than my wife gives me" is something I have to deal with from DH a lot. It conveniently exonerates him from having to think about his part in why I might be acting a certain way.

If you are able to acknowledge how you feel, how your self-esteem is low and how that's affecting things, then your DW might perk up - it might remind her of how things were when you were getting on well together, and that could be just the catalyst you both need to get thingd back on track. If not, how long are you prepared to live like this?

redsky · 27/01/2005 19:11

good posting lulupops. And I am sorry to hear of your problems too. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.