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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage breakdown

30 replies

princesscallie · 04/01/2026 00:45

Is anyone awake? My husband told me he wants to separate on New Years Day. I'm really struggling to cope today. Can't stop crying and am having panic attacks. I have just left home to get out of the house. Driving around. We had problems but even though he seen me crying uncontrollably earlier there was nothing from him. We've 2 kids. They are 12 and 10 and I was sobbing so much I was afraid I'd wake them so I left. Literally feel like my heart is breaking. We've been together for 22 years tomorrow (well today now). My whole adult life. I just feel so broken. I can't keep it together for my children at the minute. I'm not able

OP posts:
purpleflowersfordays · 04/01/2026 01:13

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this OP. I don’t have any advice I can add but didn’t want to read and run. Sending hugs and would like to say that although it doesn’t feel like it now, things will work themselves out and you will be ok xx

Original poster
princesscallie · 04/01/2026 01:18

purpleflowersfordays · 04/01/2026 01:13

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this OP. I don’t have any advice I can add but didn’t want to read and run. Sending hugs and would like to say that although it doesn’t feel like it now, things will work themselves out and you will be ok xx

Thank you. I've realised over the last couple of days that I really love him but unfortunately he just doesn't love me. I'm sad for myself and my kids. I feel like I've let them down and they are going to be so upset when we tell them too. They are great kids who have a lovely life right now and it just sucks for them.

OP posts:
Pommersy · 04/01/2026 01:20

Oh goodness that’s so hard! All your feelings, tears and upset are completely understandable! Have you any support e.g. parents or good friends to talk to? I know you might not want to open up about this to anyone else but you do need help. This is not your fault and things will get better, but now you need someone to care for you. Huge hugs xx

Original poster
princesscallie · 04/01/2026 01:36

Pommersy · 04/01/2026 01:20

Oh goodness that’s so hard! All your feelings, tears and upset are completely understandable! Have you any support e.g. parents or good friends to talk to? I know you might not want to open up about this to anyone else but you do need help. This is not your fault and things will get better, but now you need someone to care for you. Huge hugs xx

I've told one friend. She wanted me to go into hers this evening but my kids wanted me to watch the darts with them so I couldn't. I can't face telling my parents yet. To make it worse my youngest has a birthday next week and we've a family party planned so I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I'm thinking of taking a week or 2 off work to just get my sh1t together. Also thought of going away for a day or two to try sort my own head so I can then be there for my kids. Not sure what to do?!

OP posts:
NongKhai · 04/01/2026 01:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this. How shit of your DH to tell you this on new years day. I went through this 4 years ago. I was completely blindsided but as he was having an affair he moved out as soon as he told me so at least I didn't have to see him. Married 20 yrs, together 23. I took a week off work (compassionate) and my parents came down to support me and the kids - 12 and 14 at the time. It wasn't easy. Lots of tears. I probably cried constantly for 2 weeks and it took 6 months before I started to feel ok. I did plan a few trips with friends and a holiday with the kids. Ex moved 100 miles away so everything fell to me. It took 3 years to sort finances and get divorced. I'm still single and intend to remain so. You need to grieve and you are in shock. I hope you can get support from your parents and friends and in time it will get much easier and hopefully you will not look back. Big hugs xx

Original poster
princesscallie · 04/01/2026 02:11

NongKhai · 04/01/2026 01:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this. How shit of your DH to tell you this on new years day. I went through this 4 years ago. I was completely blindsided but as he was having an affair he moved out as soon as he told me so at least I didn't have to see him. Married 20 yrs, together 23. I took a week off work (compassionate) and my parents came down to support me and the kids - 12 and 14 at the time. It wasn't easy. Lots of tears. I probably cried constantly for 2 weeks and it took 6 months before I started to feel ok. I did plan a few trips with friends and a holiday with the kids. Ex moved 100 miles away so everything fell to me. It took 3 years to sort finances and get divorced. I'm still single and intend to remain so. You need to grieve and you are in shock. I hope you can get support from your parents and friends and in time it will get much easier and hopefully you will not look back. Big hugs xx

Thank you for your comment. As far as I'm aware there's noone else involved. He said not when I asked him anyway but who knows. Yes I feel like someone has died. Just in shock and numb and then overwhelmed with sadness. I need my kids to go back to school and then I'll start to sort my own head out. Sorry that you had to go through this too. I have no interest in meeting anyone else. Part of me knows our relationship has changed and we had lost each other but now I'm sure I still love him and he doesn't love me at all is the worst! I know my parents will support me when I eventually tell them but I know they'll also be disappointed. But what can I do?! I had suggested councillors months ago and he wasn't interested so I should have known it was coming. But ill be okay im sure. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

OP posts:
TheAvidWriter · 04/01/2026 02:22

That is so shit of him OP.

You two have been intertwined for so long and it may feel you have the same identity, and yes its a shock when the person you love just tells you "oh hey happy new year, but I want a divorce. So I get you are devastated.

If he is not showing you compassion when you cry over the loss, and show grieve, I am left wondering if he has had his head turned. I am sorry to say a lot of men, around the holidays, will bring such shattering news to their doorsteps. This can be due to the OW laying down some ulitmatum, if there is an OW. I suspect there is. He will never come clean to you, so do not be surprised if suddenly a woman pops up out of the blue in the very near future.

Do me a favor, I am not sure if he has told you some lines, like in the script, you will find it here Home - ChumpLady.com

Take time to grieve, then get your ducks in a row.

Its going to be a bumpy ride, but you can do it. Show up for yourself, and stay as solid as you can muster around your kids. But be truthful to them to their level of understanding. I hope I am wrong about the OW or having his head turned, but best be prepared. Soft hugs coming your way

Home

Looking for a new narrative on infidelity? We champion self-respect here over reconciliation. And don’t blame you for abuse. Welcome to Chump Nation! Been Chumped?Here’s your starter kit. Just found out? You don’t have to pretzel yourself into a thousa...

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Original poster
princesscallie · 04/01/2026 02:30

TheAvidWriter · 04/01/2026 02:22

That is so shit of him OP.

You two have been intertwined for so long and it may feel you have the same identity, and yes its a shock when the person you love just tells you "oh hey happy new year, but I want a divorce. So I get you are devastated.

If he is not showing you compassion when you cry over the loss, and show grieve, I am left wondering if he has had his head turned. I am sorry to say a lot of men, around the holidays, will bring such shattering news to their doorsteps. This can be due to the OW laying down some ulitmatum, if there is an OW. I suspect there is. He will never come clean to you, so do not be surprised if suddenly a woman pops up out of the blue in the very near future.

Do me a favor, I am not sure if he has told you some lines, like in the script, you will find it here Home - ChumpLady.com

Take time to grieve, then get your ducks in a row.

Its going to be a bumpy ride, but you can do it. Show up for yourself, and stay as solid as you can muster around your kids. But be truthful to them to their level of understanding. I hope I am wrong about the OW or having his head turned, but best be prepared. Soft hugs coming your way

Thank you for your reply. I was a bit shocked alright because I don't think I've ever cried like that before. Was almost having a panic attack. Similar to around midnight but I left the house this time. He's the only adult relationship I've had and yes we have had many ups and downs I still love him very much. Much more than he deserves but he's definitely closed off any feelings he had for me that's for sure. It's so cold so maybe I'm being stupid in thinking there's noone else but he has always been closed emotionally. Well he used to let me know but in the last year that door has firmly been closed. Yep it'll be crap going forward. I'm almost embarrassed having to admit I've failed at marriage but shur will just have to get on with it now. Thank you so much for your kind words and once I sort myself out my kids will be my number 1 priority. They always are to be fair.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 04/01/2026 02:38

Don't blame yourself as failing at marriage. 22 years is a long time to have maintained a relationship and I'm sure there have been some bumpy times you've had to work through. You are not the one deciding to give up.

TheAvidWriter · 04/01/2026 02:39

OP you didnt fail, please dont think you failed.

Its such a normal feeling to have, to feel the way you do, believe me I have gone through divorce twice, and its the worst pain, and yes I had anxiety attacks, cried if anyone dared hug me, and completely blamed myself for the marriage breakdown, but hun its a two man job, not a sole responsibility.

He chose to cut his losses and give you the cold treatment. Not you. You havent failed. You have two beautiful human beings, that is not failure.

How you treat yourself now sets the tone for the future, and dont beg him to stay. There will be times where you feel you are literally breaking apart, so come back in here, and update, update and update, just went it all out. Its what I did and it is lifesaving, not to mention I had so many wonderful people just spur me on at my very lowest, and give great advise when I really was at a loss.

But please do not think you failed.

Original poster
princesscallie · 04/01/2026 03:35

@Delphiniumandlupins Yes 22 years is a long long time. And there definitely has been some bumps in the road. But isn't that what marriage is? Your right though he is the one giving up.

@TheAvidWriter thank you for your kind words. And the encouragement. Ill definitely need it.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2026 07:01

Please don't think you've failed OP, he has sprung this on you and it's totally understandable that you feel so upset and distressed as you've had a huge shock. He's the one that has decided to walk away, not you and he's had time to prepare whilst you haven't. Don't ever think you are the failure here or be embarrassed to tell friends, it takes two to make a marriage work and he's the one who's given up.
Just be aware that men don't usually end a long relationship so unexpectedly unless they have someone else lined up. I know you said he denies this but time after time this proves to be the case so be prepared for this to be the real reason.

onepombear · 04/01/2026 07:53

My 19 year marriage ended in October so I’m a little further on than you OP. It has been awful but I am now recovering and you will too. The initial shock phase is dreadful, it is a type of grief for many different things all at once. Do whatever you need to keep going - prioritise rest and self care. My friends were amazing (my parents are dead and remaining family far away) and I found a lot of help online. There is a podcast series called ‘divorced and better’ which I’m still listening to. It is women’s stories of their divorces and how their new lives are better than their old ones. I have found it comforting and inspiring. There are also lots of women on instagram navigating divorce and documenting their journeys and I think it’s helpful to see others in the same boat. Other simple things - I have made notes on my phone of what I won’t miss about my now ex husband and things I will now be able to do and am looking forward to. I read it every day. I am journaling my thoughts and keep another list of words and phrases and moments of understanding about the situation that have resonated with me and are helping me move forward. I read somewhere that it helps, when texting or writing about your ex to just use his initial (small case) rather than his name, so his importance in your mind lessens. It does actually work!

I have had to do a lot of soul searching and have realised my own part in my marriage breakdown. It IS possible that there is not someone else involved - in my case, we have grown apart over many years and now want different things. I don’t hate my ex and we are trying very hard to define a new relationship based on co-parenting. It isn’t easy but I am finding peace with it. I hope every day gets a little easier for you OP - you’re not alone and you will get through this xx

AnonymouseDad · 04/01/2026 09:14

You have not failed.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Are you both talking still? Friendly?
22 years together is hard to just shut down.

Ask to go for a coffee or something on neutral grounds and just talk. Work out the logistics of it all. Who's moving out, when? How the next steps look.
There are counsellors for that too. To help separate and still remain friends.

Are you certain there isn't another person involved?

Ydkiml · 04/01/2026 09:58

So sorry op . This is not your fault . You need to see him for what he is being right now , heartless, extremely cold ,selfish and emotionally nasty . That’s him ! Try to hide your emotions from the children today and let it all out once they at school and then back to faking your strength when they back home . Just until they know and then you’ll need to be there for them and you can cry together . Journal your thoughts . In time you will start to feel a little stronger and a little stronger . Remember, your children are watching , so use this to set an example on how in life you stay strong , you climb out of dark holes , you be independent and get through such painful times . You could be a huge inspiration , brilliant role model they will admire . He is no where in that journey of yours . He’s totally heartless remember and he doesn’t care . Shame on him . You deserve better .

HippoandtheScabbyBrats · 04/01/2026 10:46

Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2026 07:01

Please don't think you've failed OP, he has sprung this on you and it's totally understandable that you feel so upset and distressed as you've had a huge shock. He's the one that has decided to walk away, not you and he's had time to prepare whilst you haven't. Don't ever think you are the failure here or be embarrassed to tell friends, it takes two to make a marriage work and he's the one who's given up.
Just be aware that men don't usually end a long relationship so unexpectedly unless they have someone else lined up. I know you said he denies this but time after time this proves to be the case so be prepared for this to be the real reason.

This.

Wsiw71 · 04/01/2026 19:24

Most males do not leave a comfortable home unless they have a warm bed to go to. More than likely he has another female lined up and ready for his attentions.

roastedrapidly · 04/01/2026 19:40

I'm sorry to say this OP, it's very rare that men leave just out the blue without there being another woman in the picture.
You have not failed OP.

Carzycat · 04/01/2026 19:43

Sorry you’re going through this. Was 30 yrs marriage for me. Thankfully my children were much older but my son has learning disabilities and my daughter autism so both took it quite bad.
its been a year since he moved out and despite saying he isn’t meant to be in a relationship and wants to be single there is someone else and I suspect has been for some time.
im very far from over it, though I really want to be. I know I’m better off without his lying cheating arse but the rejection still hurts.
Sending unmumsnetty hugs. This isn’t your fault - be kind to yourself.

RunningJo · 04/01/2026 19:56

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice other than to lean on your friends and family for support as and when you need it. X

MermaidMilkshake · 05/01/2026 16:30

onepombear · 04/01/2026 07:53

My 19 year marriage ended in October so I’m a little further on than you OP. It has been awful but I am now recovering and you will too. The initial shock phase is dreadful, it is a type of grief for many different things all at once. Do whatever you need to keep going - prioritise rest and self care. My friends were amazing (my parents are dead and remaining family far away) and I found a lot of help online. There is a podcast series called ‘divorced and better’ which I’m still listening to. It is women’s stories of their divorces and how their new lives are better than their old ones. I have found it comforting and inspiring. There are also lots of women on instagram navigating divorce and documenting their journeys and I think it’s helpful to see others in the same boat. Other simple things - I have made notes on my phone of what I won’t miss about my now ex husband and things I will now be able to do and am looking forward to. I read it every day. I am journaling my thoughts and keep another list of words and phrases and moments of understanding about the situation that have resonated with me and are helping me move forward. I read somewhere that it helps, when texting or writing about your ex to just use his initial (small case) rather than his name, so his importance in your mind lessens. It does actually work!

I have had to do a lot of soul searching and have realised my own part in my marriage breakdown. It IS possible that there is not someone else involved - in my case, we have grown apart over many years and now want different things. I don’t hate my ex and we are trying very hard to define a new relationship based on co-parenting. It isn’t easy but I am finding peace with it. I hope every day gets a little easier for you OP - you’re not alone and you will get through this xx

Thank you so much for recommending the podcast, it’s just the thing I needed a few days after my own life has exploded. OP, wishing strength for you x

onepombear · 05/01/2026 18:57

I’m so glad it’s helped you @MermaidMilkshake. I think it’s a brilliant resource. My best wishes to you and anyone else in this horrible position xx

Ydkiml · 06/01/2026 06:45

How are you doing op . ? Been thinking of you .

Original poster
princesscallie · 05/02/2026 18:59

Hi ladies, I said id check back in. I needed to take some time to process some things. Its funny as id thought id be happy to separate as things were not going great. I think I surprised myself (and my husband) with how upset I was with it all.

Anyway.....so we had a talk about things and I told him he'd have to move out as I couldn't live with him. When the reality of this sunk in he did come back and rethink his decision. We ended up talking about why things had ended up so bad. He agreed to step up and help out more and has stuck to this so far. We also talked about all the time I have spent bringing the kids to activities and we made them give up the one we least enjoy. We agreed we needed to spend more time together and see how we go. We've been away for a night and have another one planned for the end of this month.

I still have doubts and find myself thinking hes staying because it's easier than leaving but we are trying. Things are going okay so far and we are getting on. I asked was there someone else and he said no and I do believe that. I think if there was he'd be more likely to go. So we shall see how things go from here. Taking it slowly.

OP posts:
Original poster
princesscallie · 05/02/2026 19:01

Also I should have said thank you to everyone for their kind words. Ive never felt as upset as I didn't that night. And I appreciated everyone taking the time to help me.

OP posts: