44 going insane seeing a 29 year old is this a midlife crisis ?!

[TheAmberBird]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one and I am looking for some outside perspective.

My ex husband and I have been divorced for almost three years. We have two boys aged 11 and 9, so we still see a lot of each other. I initiated the divorce and it was tough because the love was still there, and in many ways still is. We even slept together one final time the night before he moved out for good.

The reality though is that he was not a good partner or father. I felt like I was doing everything alone, so I eventually thought I might as well actually be alone. There was a lot of weaponised incompetence and I got completely sick of it. Things like asking me to watch “your child” while he showered or had some time to himself. He was physically present but not really there, always on work calls or distracted. Once I popped out for a coffee and a walk and came back to find the house completely trashed. He did not care because he knew I would clean it up.
The divorce itself was not messy. I had simply had enough and did not want my children growing up thinking that was normal. Co parenting is actually much better now and he is a better father because he has to be.

Fast forward to now. I met a man at a bar last April while I was out with friends. He approached me when I went to get a drink, we got talking and went outside to chat. He kissed me and I went back to my friends, but I gave him my number. I still do not know what possessed me to do that. He texted the next day and we have been seeing each other since.

It started as something light and fun for both of us. On my weekends without the boys I would go to his flat and we would spend the weekend together. He is spontaneous and we have been on lots of weekends away together, including the Netherlands, Scotland, France and the Lake District.

He has a good job, works hard and treats me well. I care about him a lot. We have things in common and share hobbies that we do together. Recently he said he would like to take things seriously. He has also told his parents about me and has said they would like to meet me sometime soon, which has made me feel surprisingly nervous.

This is where I start to feel unsure. He is 29 and there is a 15 year age gap between us. I am past the age of wanting more children and I want him to have the opportunity to have a family if that is what he wants. I have not introduced him to my children yet. Although it has become serious, he has only met a few of my friends and I have met his. I was his plus one at a wedding back in September.

Part of me wonders if he has some sort of mummy issues, or if I am overthinking everything. The age gap itself does not bother me hugely, but he is very much a younger millennial, almost Gen Z, and I am definitely an older millennial.

That's not what's happening here and it's irrelevant.

She's 49 for Christ's sake. And you're an ageist misogynist.

At 44 I still felt 34. At 54 in peri menopause I did not. At 59 in my head I’m 45 -50 but my body is defo not but luckily DH same

Just enjoy! I had a relationship with someone 20 years younger. It lasted quite a long time we were very happy had so much fun together, the thing that ended it was me moving hours away due to some commitments outside the relationship which meant that it was no longer viable, but we are still very good friends.
I am 55 knew the gap was toooo big but he pursued me and I just went with it. It was the best 18 months of the last five years of my life!

She's 44 :) He's 29.

I'm not talking about the OP @HomeTheatreSystem. I'm replying to the charmer harlemshake who's talking about his own ex as if she's a crumbling relic.

Apologies :)

Yeah I bet he’s amazing looking in comparison 🙄

His post is terrible.

Saw this OP, thought of you!
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/16nL143tej/?mibextid=wwXIfr

She had an issue with my age at the end and so did most women in my family.

No surprised with your ignorant response when many women here expressed issue with their age, where is your comments to them ?

They weren't insulting, just pointing out facts.

I had a similar experience to you, OP, though I was even older when I met someone who was 17 years my junior at 50. Had a whale of a time, travelled lots, experienced life’s ups and downs. I had 2 kids of my own so he never moved in. I’m now 61 and we’re still together. We continue to laugh alot. He’s hugely caring and pragmatic. Still not living together. I actually like it that way. He’s not bothered about having kids himself but has been incredibly supportive of my children as they grew up (far better than their own father).

It’s not like he’s a young lad. He’s a nearly 30 years old grown man. Go for it, OP. You only live once. What’s the worst that could happen? It doesn’t work out? You get your heart broken? That could happen with someone the same l age as you.

Yeah his post did make me chuckle and eye roll at the same time.
@harlemshake you sound very superficial, relationships built on looks alone dont last anyway, everyone's looks change, it isnt just based on age...what if someone suddenly lost all their hair thru illness or something similar..... well i wouldnt care, I love him for who he is not how he looks. Yes I was attracted to him to start a relationship of course this is a required element of a relationship but I dont believe love is built on looks at all.
People out here declaring they love people based on looks and wondering why relationships dont last 🤷‍♀️
Sounds like your interests were all off from the start, neither me nor my DP enjoy wild nights out or clubbing (shock horror a 26 year old who doesnt drink or go out all night 😱) from the posts I read on here 40 year old men go out drinking and rock home at 4am instead of prioritising their family so it isnt age specific, based on posts on here id be ignoring my own age bracket if dating 😂

@OneShyQuailyes I find the mentioning of not being interested in clubbing as an indicator for getting old weird. I think I stopped going to clubs when I was about 21. Most people I knew weren't really interested by then either. It’s quite boring if your pastime is getting pissed

I never enjoyed going out and getting pissed, but do enjoy a good dance (still do!) Like to be back in bed by midnight latest tho 😂

I’m 36 and love going to raves & festivals and always will. It’s not about getting pissed, I can’t have more than 2-3 drinks these days, it’s about great music, fun outfits and a fab time with friends. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I left that behind at 21. In fact, most people at the festivals I go to are over 30 (partly because festivals have become outrageously expensive).

They say you are as old as you feel. If you feel right, you are right. All the IF's and BUT's come after : if he wants kids that's a hurdle but not now. Lots of youngsters don't even fancy bringing kids into this messed up world we live in.

9 year age gap here. He is also younger. I know it can’t go on forever. We do want different things. But we have both been honest about it. I think if you haven’t had those conversations, you need to. However currently if it works maybe just enjoy.

I would say her not wanting to go to clubs is more about raising a young child not her age . You sound the absolute trope of ageism rather than seeing what’s behind issues you think it’s just her age . Ask yourself how many 20 somethings go clubbing with a young baby / toddler at home .

The real issue is whether he will want his own children, and at 29, that probably isn’t a big deal to him either way. He may well feel differently at 35. I’ve known a couple of women who got married to their younger lover, with a similar age gap to yours. One of them ended up divorcing because he did end up wanting children of his own, and the other couple stayed together and he viewed ( and still does) her children as his own.
I don’t know how you predict what your chap will want. He may well not be sure at this point. You can only talk to him and keep talking. And be prepared for his parents to be a little upset…no one is owed grandchildren, but they may view it as taking away their chance to have grandchildren, for their son to have his own family, however much they might like you as a person.

My DM met my stepdad when she was 30
and he was 20. She was already twice divorced with 2 DC under 5. They both decided they didn’t want more DC mostly as my DB was a chronic asthmatic who almost died twice as a child. They’ve now been together for many years and only had a civil partnership recently for wills and inheritance tax reasons.

I know another couple where the age gap is 7 years, he’s this age difference to her. She was divorced he wasn’t. They’re now happily married with 2 DC, don’t think the age gap bothered them at all.

If it were me I’d have a chat now about children and the future, you’ll know where you both stand on important issues after this and you can make further decisions accordingly.

When I was in my late 40s I met a man 7 months younger and we dated for 6/7 months but I knew he wanted kids and I was too old, it was a pity as if I were younger we’d have made a good couple. I did treat him a bit like a sex relationship though because of this, he then got feelings for me. We then ended things as it was just getting too complex.

If your both enjoying it and on the same page, then go for it don’t worry about what anyone thinks , just get on with going about your life , if it was reversed it wouldn’t be an issue, it’s about time women started doing what men have been doing for years. Enjoy and best of luck.

I have several friends with much younger partners. None have had children with them, some already had a child from previous relationship.Their relationships are happy and have lasted 20 years+. Like many women my husband is several years older than me; old age brings its own issues when the age gap is this way round.