Picking a fight with me in front of children - marriage done?

[Farrah2025]

This is long. DH roared at the children yesterday when one of them hurt the other. Was really angry and agressive, pointing his finger at them and shouting at one of them to do a time out. I managed it and spoke to them both after about why it wasn’t appropriate to shout and about their feelings and why we had to do a time out and what to do instead of hurting each other. Today i was hanging laundry upstairs and they were fighting again, the same one hurt the other one, I came downstairs and said time out right now, you can’t keep hurting your brother and she didn’t listen so I shouted at her very loudly and said X, time OUT. Then went to go say it was ok to her younger sibling. DH came upstairs shouting at me for screaming at a little girl in her face. I didn’t do that, I did not scream in her face. I shouted from down the hall just as he did the day before but he turned it into you always take her side, look at you going to comfort him straight away going ohhhhh it’s ok don’t worry petal ( I didn’t say that by the way I just said it’s ok) and I didn’t get any further because he came tearing up the stairs. Then he said I caused this and was causing future problems by my behaviour. I don’t think this is true I was trying to separate them and then talk to both of them when they were calm to explain again what was needed and why hurting was wrong. But he keep on having a go at me saying enough of your bullshit, it’s such nonsense, you caused this, it’s your fault you’re impossible, why are you like this. I tried to defend myself saying he came up before I did anything to try to resolve this and that it wasn’t fair to put that all on me and also my behaviiiur want half as bad as his the day before. I was shaking but defended myself and managed to state why I disagreed with what he was saying and why i didn’t think it was fair or justified. He made a number of other comments about me as a person not about what had happened. He also said I can’t control my emotions.

this happens every 3-4 months, after he doesn’t apologise and doesn’t make any attempt to repair apart from one occasion where I said if he doesn’t do anything about this and listen to mw and try to fix this, it will be finished. On every other occasion either I reach out after a week or two of silent treatment from him and say we need to talk about this and try to or offer a hug or hold his hand and he just takes it and we go again as if nothing has happened. He is textbook dismissive avoidant, my feelings and my needs don’t matter and repair doesn’t happen unless I take the first step.

my children are three and five. In my head I am done and instead of crying and breaking down I am repairing for them and with them. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts from an impartial point of view? I am so lost

Yes of course I do. I am trying to address it and realise it is not right or proper for them. I thi k the issue is I am conscious of my faults and what is right and wrong and he jumps on them but then fails to address or acknowledge his own in terms of his anger and aggression. It’s like he lashes out and then dismisses it and won’t refer to it again. It is bizarre and makes me feel like I am going slightly mad.

Thanks everyone for the responses and advice. I think it is time to make a change even though some part of me is still holding out hope that he will at least apologise, or refer to what has happened and say something like let’s talk about it and ensure it doesn’t happen again or even reach out to me so I know he cares in some small way. It’s like looking for crumbs though 😢

Instead of both yelling at the children, work together to try and control the children. 🙄

It should be a partnership that works that way shouldn’t it 😢

op,

Such men never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. And in another three or four months time, if not sooner, he will kick off again. This is who he us and you yourself grew up in not too a dissimilar household. The choice is yours whether to stay or go but those are your only choices. I would plan your exit.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not safe enough to be in such sessions with him and besides which he does not want counselling (he is going you a favour here in not going). No decent counsellor would ever want to counsel the two of you together .

Abuse is also not a relationship issue - it is about power and control.

Time to start changing this so your children don’t grow up in the exact atmosphere you say you grew up with and don’t want for them.

Speak to a divorce lawyer without his knowledge to find out what it will entail and what you will need to do. Get some steps ahead with this.

Then speak to him on your own where the children can’t hear (arrange for childcare) and tell him it can’t carry on like this. As a first step you insist on couples counselling and also parenting class explaining that you both need this, are both doing things wrong, and there is no blame. If he refuses tell him your only option will then be separation because you refuse to have your children grow up in this atmosphere.

Pass the driving test ASAP.

This has hit home. If I try to gloss over it and say we need to work on things I will just end up hurting myself and them further down the line and rinse and repeat. I know he is a good person deep down but I always felt that he was very hard and lacked empathy in some respects generally but since it was never directed at me I just accepted it. Now that I am on the receiving end of that hardness and lack of understanding, it is becoming apparent that this is just who he is. I often think his own childhood may have been difficult and his feelings dismissed/disregarded to the extent that he now doesn’t have any or doesn’t show them

This is really good practical advice, thank you ❤️

Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He in any case has refused counselling unsurprisingly because he also thinks he’s doing nothing wrong here. Abuse is also not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control.

I concur with your other paragraphs.

Op

You are not safe enough emotionally to do couples counselling with him. It’s also not recommended when there is abuse of any type in the relationship. If counselling is considered go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

I think given your strong financial situation you should speak to a lawyer about asking him to leave the family home.

You keep them in their school and creche and are the primary carer who needs to stay in the house.

It is of paramount importance now that you get your driving licence. Try as hard as possible to get up to test taking standard as soon as possible and book your test so you can get free of this man.

His silent treatment until you apologise controlling behaviour is something they will silently be watching and unconsciously taking on board, and who knows if it goes on too long maybe they’ll let others treat them that way in future because they’ve seen it normalised at home. You’ve got to get them away from this.

Your childhood was difficult in that you heard your parents arguing daily. That has left its mark on you and the effects of that are still very much present. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and these self same lessons are now being imparted to your kids so another generation is affected.

You married someone not too dissimilar to your parents. He having a not ideal childhood is no excuse nor justification for how he is acting towards you and the kids now. I also doubt very much he speaks to outsiders or his work colleagues like he does to you all, he’s probably all sweetness and light with them.

When the kids are in bed, could you have a discussion about the last few days and what you can both put in place to help?

You have young children and whether you are together or not, you will need to parent them together. I’m not justifying his behaviour, it sounds like he got angry at the kids one day but then got angry at you for the way you got angry at the kids behaviour the next day. You really need to be a united front, and work as a team. Rather than pick holes with the other, you both need to be willing and open to discuss the pitfalls and how you can strengthen your communication, especially in the chaos of raising young children who can really test you patience.

Oh OP this doesn’t sound healthy at all. I couldn’t put up with this I’m afraid.

So, I suppose that’s my advice. Don’t put up with it.

It won’t get better worse as kids get older I had to leave when he started getting violent when he had a drink when they were teens
if I ever stood up to him or tried to give a opinion I would be ignored for weeks
I had smaller ones aswell
i wished I had got out when they the older ones were young

Thank you for this suggestion. We tend to disagree about how to parent them which has lead in part to where we are now. I always try to explain why I am doing something or why something is right or wrong and he does too, to an extent but it’s not the same. Where we really differ is if one of the children is crying or is hurt I always hold them and try to understand why and listen to them whereas he believes it should be sssh you’re ok, stop crying, stop whinging, etc. as in, don’t have feelings or if you do, hold them in. Also if they have tantrums I’m the one who always deals with them and the aftermath whereas he says just leave them alone or yells at them to be quiet which doesn’t work as they theninevitably come to me anyway for comfort or reassuran that things are ok. It’s a lot carrying the emotional load and I’ve tried to explain this to him countless times but he doesn’t see it or doesn’t want to.

I'm not sure if there is more to this story but it all seems a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm not sure you give up your family life and marriage over this.
2 toddlers arguing and fighting is normal. A quick stop ! We don't hurt people in this house. You play that side, you play that side. Job done. No need for long drawn out drama. No need for shouting, screaming and roaring. The problem you have is parenting skills. Children do everything for reaction and boy do you two react. You fuss around explaining and then dh reacts to your pandering. Keep it short and sharp. Learn the words "No" and "Stop" firm and clear. No shouting. No arguments.

Is standard of house really more important than your dc peace of mind? At your dc ages moving school/crèche really isn’t the worst thing.
If you and your H really can’t find a way through this and if he refuses to even try and get help/advice then you know what you have to do.
Growing up in a house where there is shouting and disrespect is scary for little kids. Why is a house more important than that? What will happen as your dc grow and try answering back and testing boundaries?
Learn to drive. Get your test booked.
Tell your H this can’t go on and you both either commit to changing things or you commit to separating. Sod the standard of house. I remember about 8yrs of age telling my mum I would prefer to live in a tent with just her and my siblings where there was no shouting and I wasn’t scared. I had it all planned out. There was a campsite near my nana’s and it was 100miles away from our ‘naice’ middle class detached family home on the edge of a picturesque village. I still wanted the tent though. I wanted peace. Not knowing when the next blow up would be was very unsettling and left us on edge. This went on until I was 16.

What a toxic household🤮

This is really welcomed as impartial advice from someone who doesn’t know me and just has this example to refer to. I’m not being sarcastic by the way I mean genuninely to hear a view that this is normal and it’s parenting. What is your view on the shouting at me and having a go at me in front of them? Is that a typical male response to try to blame someone in that moment or is it what I think it is or what I’m feeling like it is which is you are causing this you are at fault I don’t like you

Thank you - I remember doing similar with my mum and saying why can’t you ring dad’s boss and tell him he’s nasty and mean and to go away. I took on the role of diffusing and minding my younger siblings and shielding them from the worst of it then and something about yesterday’s incident in particular brought me right back to that

Maybe it is me and I need to go to counselling to not be affected by this so much and to see it as normal

He doesn't like you, @Farrah2025 , and it doesn't seem that he's particularly bothered about your children either. From what you've said it sounds like you can afford to leave and remove them from this situation. What are you waiting for?

Speaking as someone who grew up with this (and my mother didn't leave when I was young, she stuck it out until I was in my late teens and then left him for someone else), I can tell you only that the chronic stress of growing up in that house has had life long consequences for me in terms of physical and mental health, and ruined my relationship with both of my parents.

One thing I did want to say, though, if you do decide to end the relationship, is to be prepared for him to suddenly promise to change, for him to start throwing you not just crumbs, but an entire cake. Do not trust a word he says. IMO what many women can't understand is that their husbands are actually very content being in a miserable marriage, because they like having someone they can bully in safety. They like upsetting their wives, making them cry, making them apologise for things they haven't done. They like having their family tiptoe around them. They enjoy bullying their children, who they barely see as human anyway. They like how much it upsets their wife if they start arguments in front of the kids. They like bullying the wife into accepting an apology that they don't really mean, dishing out the silent treatment, and being able to dump responsibility for their own awful behaviour on her. They don't want the marriage to end because it's working very nicely for them, thank you very much.