This is long. DH roared at the children yesterday when one of them hurt the other. Was really angry and agressive, pointing his finger at them and shouting at one of them to do a time out. I managed it and spoke to them both after about why it wasn’t appropriate to shout and about their feelings and why we had to do a time out and what to do instead of hurting each other. Today i was hanging laundry upstairs and they were fighting again, the same one hurt the other one, I came downstairs and said time out right now, you can’t keep hurting your brother and she didn’t listen so I shouted at her very loudly and said X, time OUT. Then went to go say it was ok to her younger sibling. DH came upstairs shouting at me for screaming at a little girl in her face. I didn’t do that, I did not scream in her face. I shouted from down the hall just as he did the day before but he turned it into you always take her side, look at you going to comfort him straight away going ohhhhh it’s ok don’t worry petal ( I didn’t say that by the way I just said it’s ok) and I didn’t get any further because he came tearing up the stairs. Then he said I caused this and was causing future problems by my behaviour. I don’t think this is true I was trying to separate them and then talk to both of them when they were calm to explain again what was needed and why hurting was wrong. But he keep on having a go at me saying enough of your bullshit, it’s such nonsense, you caused this, it’s your fault you’re impossible, why are you like this. I tried to defend myself saying he came up before I did anything to try to resolve this and that it wasn’t fair to put that all on me and also my behaviiiur want half as bad as his the day before. I was shaking but defended myself and managed to state why I disagreed with what he was saying and why i didn’t think it was fair or justified. He made a number of other comments about me as a person not about what had happened. He also said I can’t control my emotions.
this happens every 3-4 months, after he doesn’t apologise and doesn’t make any attempt to repair apart from one occasion where I said if he doesn’t do anything about this and listen to mw and try to fix this, it will be finished. On every other occasion either I reach out after a week or two of silent treatment from him and say we need to talk about this and try to or offer a hug or hold his hand and he just takes it and we go again as if nothing has happened. He is textbook dismissive avoidant, my feelings and my needs don’t matter and repair doesn’t happen unless I take the first step.
my children are three and five. In my head I am done and instead of crying and breaking down I am repairing for them and with them. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts from an impartial point of view? I am so lost