Hungover grown son behaving like a moody teenager

[TakeMyAdvice]

DH and I together a long time,2 adult children.
Things between DH and I haven t been straightforward and I think much of the time we stayed together for the kids.We came through a break up when they were teens and we re out the other side now, we are retired and happy with each other despite our past faults.
Our son (32) and his fiance came for dinner NY day.I went to a fairly bit of bother preparing and making a nice meal for the family expecting some nice sociable family time.They live in same city, but are busy and we don t really see them to socialise too often.
He phoned the day before NY asking if they could stay over at ours on hogmanay as they would be in our area ;out partying.
No problem.
They came home at 6am and spent the day in bed on NY day until 3pm.Again no problem ,was young myself once.
Let them lie in if they want.
When they got up,they were extremely hungover .
The room looked like a bomb had hit it and neither moved to clear up. Lay about on couches all day, didn t get dressed at all.PJ and hoodie; hood up, no conversation at all.
My son asked what was for dinner ,when I told him he said my roast beef " is shite".
Said house was f*** g freezin ( despite ch on and log burner on.He didn t dress for dinner,nor did she.
My daughter, son in law and grand kids arrived and he brightened up a bit when they came in.
But then my son and daughter went into effectively a slagging match of all the parenting mistakes me and hubbie made bringing them up,trying to be funny. I found this very disrespectful, finding myself explaining to new future DIL circumstances of situations in the past.( ie they brought up I gave them babycham when they were kids).
I was embarassed by some of the conversation,I was explaining and trying too hard.
Future DIL doesn t know us too well, I was a bit embarrassed.
It s not that I don t have a sense of humour ,but I was annoyed with him the way he had behaved earlier in the day.
Eventually my husband said to son " were you not brought up in a loving family family home?".
Son answered " no not really" .
I am crushed,am so upset .I do so much for both of them ( son and daughter) ,am always trying to be a good Mum.As parents we are well aware of our faults when they were younger( we argued a lot and we broke up for a short time ).We have spoken openly and honestly with them about this time and recognised how difficult it was for all of us. As adults now we show them a lot of love,respect and support in any way we can.
This isn t the first time our son has behaved badly toward us.He smokes dope and is moody; I know I should speak to him face to face,but fear I d come out the worse after a conversation.He can be very hurtful in the way he speaks to me.
We ( DH and I) ,kind of fear a backlash from him, DH doesn t want to start an argument ;DS was quite depressed and sought out counselling last year, there are times now he brings up the past and appears to blame us at times for his low mood .
I think he needs to learn a bit of gratitude and respect.
DH and I have been very good with both son and daughter in their adult life.
I think perhaps we overcompensate to make up for the difficult times when we were all younger.
Just venting really.
Any opinions or advice welcome.

From the title of the post I expected the DS to be a man-baby who doesn’t know how to manage a hangover after a bit of festive overindulgence.
Your DS in particular sees your house as a free hotel room and clearly doesn’t prioritise wanting to mark the festivities with you.
The behaviour of both your children towards you sounds v hurtful. Does the conversation often loop back to these topics?

Really disrespectful of both of them but as you’ve said yourself that you and your DH had ups and downs and stayed together for the kids, might be time to have a chat about how they view their childhood? It sounds like your relationship with your husband has affected them negatively?

Clearly there is a lot of unresolved trauma, you may both be behaving well now, but sounds like that was not the case when they were young. Take their concerns seriously and go to family counselling and hear what they say or you’ll continue in the same vein and it won’t improve. Both your children are upset. Even if they are adults they still have a right to be heard. Not in that manner of course but something needs to be facilitated to help you all get over this.

I am so sorry that happened to you. I am sure you are so hurt. I would have been fuming. I think you need to talk to both of your children.

Healing from childhood trauma takes a long time. You need to let them talk it out and you need to acknowledge and apologise for the pain you caused them. That's not to say the disrespect should be allowed, you can have clear boundaries and expect respect at the same time as acknowledging your past mistakes. I think you and DH need to have a proper conversation with your DC about the past but also lay out that you won't accept disrespectful behaviour from them.

Well it doesn't sound like a happy family home. Lots of fighting and a break up. Sounds like things improved once he was an adult, but as for a happy childhood home - not really.

Family therapy would work here

I mean, if they were 18 I would be pissed off but I'd let it go but 32? There seems to be more to this than meets the eye though; if they did have an awful childhood then they are within their rights to say it. I think everyone sounds awful. Maybe family therapy is needed?

Ask son to give up with drugs, don’t allow him to stay till he’s totally given up.

I think you probably do need to have a proper conversation with ds and dd. Just the four of you. The way they did this, at a family dinner with spouse/ partner and grandkids there was inappropriate.

next time they want to stay over as you are closer to an event the answer is no….

he reverted to a man child when hungover - no excuse but I know in my 20s with bad hangovers I wasn’t the nicest person either…. If he wasn’t at hotel mum and dad they would have showered and changed before dinner

As to them ripping you apart at dinner - not nice there isn’t a handbook for parenting- and yes maybe you did some things wrong but it sounds like you meant well and they never went without

This is why people on here often say don't stay together for the kids, doing so just kicks the can down the road, and the children take the brunt of it.
Children aren't stupid, and no matter how many times people say 'oh the kids have no idea what's going on between my husband and I' I can gurantee 99% the kids do know, they sense the frostiness, pick up on the backhand comments and most definitely hear the arguments parents have behind closed doors.

I think you need a proper sit down with your kids and be willing to hear their side

I think, given that you and your DH have openly and honestly admitted that his childhood wasn’t ideal, it was disrespectful of him and his sister to bring it all up, in company, in the guise of being funny. I’m not saying he isn’t entitled to feel that things were difficult for him growing up in a house where there was conflict, but there’s a time and place for these discussions. He does deserve to be able to talk about it and he is allowed to blame you. But in private or with a counsellor present. DP had a difficult upbringing and will never get any sort of resolution as his parents are in total denial.

Hmm

i wouldn’t expect him to bring it up at a family meal on New Year’s Day on the other hand it does sound like he didn’t have a happy childhood as you say there were lots of arguments and that you and your H broke up and then got together.

it wasn’t really the time or the place to discuss it but it’s clearly what he feels and calling it disrespectful is a bit much.

i have young adult children. There are aspects of my parenting where I have failed them and I recognise this. I do find it upsetting to dwell on it and so I try not to think about it too much but I do accept that they are allowed to have their own feelings about it.

on a separate note

your husband was a muppet asking a question like that.

Your son sounds like he needs to grow up tbh

Maybe you need to get some family counselling … sounds like they both have resentment towards you both and their childhood.

Difficult one. It’s hard to know how much of it is genuine unresolved childhood trauma and how much is just them being arseholes. Or perhaps the two things are one and the same? The fighting and separation might have affected them more than you think, but also you and OH might have been too overindulgent and lax with boundaries as they’ve been growing up as a way of compensating for mistakes made when they were younger. This might be why they feel they can speak to you like crap and why DS behaving like a teen. He’s not young, he’s 32, too old to be smoking dope and drinking till 6am.
It sounds like you’ve tried to be supportive and validating of their childhood experience, but it sounds like a serious sit down conversation is needed where you acknowledge the difficulties but say to them that although you will talk to them and provide whatever help they need, you can’t go back and change the past and you are done being punished for it. They should be sharing their feelings with you in a constructive way, away from their partners. and the kids, even if it’s hard to hear, not passive aggressively leaking all their resentments and being disrespectful.

I’m not sure really
he was meant to come for dinner and he did
as an ‘extra’ he stayed over and was in your house the rest of the day. I would love if I could relax at my parents house or make jokes about them and my childhood without it starting a war.
it was silly to tell him he was brought up in a loving home when you describe a marriage that wasn’t loving and they experienced the instability of a separation

It sounds like there are issues on both sides. I wouldn’t allow him to come over hungover again or bring up family issues in front of other people. But realistically you have to accept that his depression probably is because of his childhood and having therapy will bring up anger and resentment about that. But you can work through it together if he is willing and you are not defensive

Tell son to go and tidy his room!

Joking about the family ups and downs is fine if everyone thinks it's funny, If someone is getting the brunt of the jokes it's not funny. If son reckons it wasn't a loving family home I would ask him what he's doing coming there and is it just it's convenient for going partying and getting free board and lodgings. Sounds like they are all too at home in your house. What did the son in law and girl friend make of it? I would think they would have been horrified by the rudeness. Time for them all to get their coats.

You’re upset about a roast dinner, but it sounds like your children are upset about something far more significant. Their childhood damage runs deeper than maybe you and DH appreciate, and whilst you may feel it’s all been addressed and squared away, your kids still harbour unresolved anger which is amplified (and easier to express through snide remarks and digs) when they’re together and can form a united front against you. Which is regressive and childish, but that’s obviously the dynamic they’re stuck in.

Agree with other posters that some kind of family therapy is probably the only way to break the cycle. Your overall efforts to be good and nurturing parents have not simply magicked away the hurts and worries of their childhood.

They were wrong to act like this, it’s immature. However in my opinion if their formative years were difficult and unhappy it’s impossible to make that up to them as adults. My friend has had a lot of counselling to get to a good place with her parents because ultimately neither of them put her first while she was growing up, but every so often tensions do rise and all the problems from her teen years come to the surface again. Especially at Christmas or if they are all in the same house for too long.

The messy room, the rudeness and the hangover are an issue but they're not really the crux of the problem.

I think you need to talk to your kids about their view of their younger years. Don't get defensive. Actually listen to them. I'm getting the impression that you think everyone should just move on. Clearly this son can't.

I wouldn’t accept that behaviour off my 19 year-old daughter when she’s hung over! Let alone a 32 year old year-old!!
I would’ve gone berserk!

Ah yes, going beserk. The gold standard for dealing with childhood trauma.