Hungover grown son behaving like a moody teenager

[TakeMyAdvice]

DH and I together a long time,2 adult children.
Things between DH and I haven t been straightforward and I think much of the time we stayed together for the kids.We came through a break up when they were teens and we re out the other side now, we are retired and happy with each other despite our past faults.
Our son (32) and his fiance came for dinner NY day.I went to a fairly bit of bother preparing and making a nice meal for the family expecting some nice sociable family time.They live in same city, but are busy and we don t really see them to socialise too often.
He phoned the day before NY asking if they could stay over at ours on hogmanay as they would be in our area ;out partying.
No problem.
They came home at 6am and spent the day in bed on NY day until 3pm.Again no problem ,was young myself once.
Let them lie in if they want.
When they got up,they were extremely hungover .
The room looked like a bomb had hit it and neither moved to clear up. Lay about on couches all day, didn t get dressed at all.PJ and hoodie; hood up, no conversation at all.
My son asked what was for dinner ,when I told him he said my roast beef " is shite".
Said house was f*** g freezin ( despite ch on and log burner on.He didn t dress for dinner,nor did she.
My daughter, son in law and grand kids arrived and he brightened up a bit when they came in.
But then my son and daughter went into effectively a slagging match of all the parenting mistakes me and hubbie made bringing them up,trying to be funny. I found this very disrespectful, finding myself explaining to new future DIL circumstances of situations in the past.( ie they brought up I gave them babycham when they were kids).
I was embarassed by some of the conversation,I was explaining and trying too hard.
Future DIL doesn t know us too well, I was a bit embarrassed.
It s not that I don t have a sense of humour ,but I was annoyed with him the way he had behaved earlier in the day.
Eventually my husband said to son " were you not brought up in a loving family family home?".
Son answered " no not really" .
I am crushed,am so upset .I do so much for both of them ( son and daughter) ,am always trying to be a good Mum.As parents we are well aware of our faults when they were younger( we argued a lot and we broke up for a short time ).We have spoken openly and honestly with them about this time and recognised how difficult it was for all of us. As adults now we show them a lot of love,respect and support in any way we can.
This isn t the first time our son has behaved badly toward us.He smokes dope and is moody; I know I should speak to him face to face,but fear I d come out the worse after a conversation.He can be very hurtful in the way he speaks to me.
We ( DH and I) ,kind of fear a backlash from him, DH doesn t want to start an argument ;DS was quite depressed and sought out counselling last year, there are times now he brings up the past and appears to blame us at times for his low mood .
I think he needs to learn a bit of gratitude and respect.
DH and I have been very good with both son and daughter in their adult life.
I think perhaps we overcompensate to make up for the difficult times when we were all younger.
Just venting really.
Any opinions or advice welcome.

Your son sounds like a disrespectful knob.

I agree with this.

It was rude, technically, for him to refuse to play happy families during a celebratory meal with his gf present.

But another way of looking at it is that he repeated behavior you and his father modeled for him when he was young . That he did it in front of his gf may be as much a cause and an effect of the gf being there. He may have wanted to show her the reality of his childhood. He may not have been able to deal with the shame of it (so got drunk). because this is what he saw growing up, because he was upset revisiting what was not a happy home, and because he needed to let it all hang out in front of her because this is the honest truth of the family he is bringing her into.

It’s interesting that a lot of pp don’t want their adult children in their home hungover, why is that? Why does it matter as a one off? And lots of posters seem to think adult children are taking something (too much?) from you if they stay over and have dinner, and they need to behave a certain way to deserve that. If not theyll be threatened with a removal of any hospitality in the family home.
i don’t think I’d care if a guest bedroom was a mess for 24 hours, or if my children relaxed for a day in my house
i don’t really get it.
op you need to talk to your kids about their experiences and worry less about If they shower before dinner imo

your son needs to grow up tbh. My parents made a lot of mistakes like all parents do, but I don’t behave like that when I visit them the most I do is go to bed a bit eariler than them! Bad childhood does not excuse his behaviour.

I would tell them no they can’t stay next time they ask to stay as they’re going out partying.

Well, it wasn't a happy and loving childhood, was it?

It was unpredictable, stressful, likely often frightening, with your son and daughter trapped in a house they couldn't escape from while the two adults who were supposed to provide them with comfort and safety did the exact opposite.

You might feel you've moved on, but that doesn't mean your children have. It is very common for enormous feelings about a difficult childhood to surface when you move into the phase of adulthood where you are getting married and starting your own family and you begin to see just how badly your parents behaved.

You either allow them their rage and accept their right to feel and express it, or you don't, and accept that they will find their own way to cope with that which you may not like.

If he was out til 6am and then in a foul mood alongside the hangover then I would bet a pound to a penny he was taking coke.

If your daughter has kids herself then you can always deal with it by smiling and saying how much better a parent you're sure she will be! And I wouldn't have him back to stay if he's going to be that rude to you - if he lives in the same city he can go home and sleep it off next time. Agree with PP who said it was a stupid question from your DH though.

There’s no way back from this—only forward. I, too, would suggest family therapy but he may not be willing. Instead I would call him up when he is sober and ask him calmly, lovingly, and sincerely whether he sees any way forward ss you would like to try to love and support him and his future wife and children and you would like them to be able to come to your home snd feel safe and loved there.

Be honest and humble. In the padt you did your best but it wasn’t good enough. It was chaotic and you snd his father were undependable. He felt frightened and insecure in your home even as you were, in your own way, trying to offer security. Two people can and will have radical ly different experiences in the same household. You may emphasize, in your memory, that you kept a roof over his head. But he may remember the walls shaking and the windows falling out.

He may need more than apologies snd excuses (the babycham!). Maybe, though, he could accept just an honest acknowledgment that it was awful for him: frightening, shameful, embarrassing. He may not know how to bring his fiancee around for fear of s repeat of a childhood of inappropriate parenting. Acknowledging that this is a problem may defang his shame snd resentment.

Maybe he will be open to seeing family life in the future as a shared attempt at creating a loving home from here on out.

My adult children would never be this rude , your son was very rude. My parenting was the very best I could do despite an abusive first marriage and then a failed second marriage. We have done a lot of talking over the years since they’ve become adults with families of their own and I’ve never once been told my dinners are awful or blamed for anything etc etc - that’s all unnecessary behaviour from an adult son

You're a good Mum @TakeMyAdvice . Sometimes we don't realise our parents are just people doing their best until we become patents ourselves. Don't hang onto it. Let it go.

Sorry, but DS or not, I’d have shown him and her the door, the past is past and disrespect in my own home, will not be tolerated!.
End of!.

He may need more than apologies snd excuses (the babycham!). Maybe, though, he could accept just an honest acknowledgment that it was awful for him: frightening, shameful, embarrassing. He may not know how to bring his fiancee around for fear of s repeat of a childhood of inappropriate parenting. Acknowledging that this is a problem may defang his shame snd resentment.

But he DID bring his fiancee round - brought her round, they both staggered in pissed (and the rest) at 6am, lay in til 3pm, then the DS called her cooking "shite" and the house "fucking freezing" before laying into her parenting in front of the fiancée. It doesn't sound like he is overburdened with shame - in fact it sounds like he's a stranger to the entire concept! And sure, he may not have thought he had the best childhood because his parents let him have babycham at christmas and argued with each other, but it doesn't sound like the worst either, and the man is THIRTY TWO. He needs to get a bloody grip if his childhood is still making him behave like a spoilt brat, because in a few years he'll be stropping like this at his wife about her "shite" cooking and she'll be posting on here in tears at Christmas.

This. His behaviour was awful, no matter what may or may not have happened twenty-five years ago. I’d be told to leave if I spoke to my parents like that.

I agree with others hers that you and your DH need to discuss his upbringing with him when he’s sober and be willing to listen to his perspective.

The need to do that, however, doesn’t negate the fact that he and his gf were spectacularly rude. I wouldn’t have them staying over again, he’s 32 and should know not to be so rude to anyone. Just because you’re his parents doesn’t mean that he can speak to you like that.

If the worst thing in their childhood was watching his parents argue , split up then work through their problems then he’s been bloody lucky . As for giving him a bottle of babycham then you should be flogged . I would be telling the pair of them that you will not be treated like that and that they have upset you and your hubby massively . You and hubby afraid of a backlash? What can son do , he’s already upset you . Yeah he may not speak to you for a bit but imo you are better to distance yourself from him anyway , He sounds awful .
one thing I will add though , I think sometimes counselling makes people search for a reason as to why they do something ie drugs , so the person looks for a reason from their childhood where in reality it’s peer pressure , pure and simple !

He seems very self absorbed if this is his behaviour at 32!!! Sheesh. Incredible bad manners. He either works on his issues or he reduces contact with you, his parents, what he doesn’t have the right to do is attack you at his age. You tried!!! Parenting is not easy!!! You do not have to accept this behaviour in your home.

I would have shown him the door.

He’s a rude disrespectful bully. He knows you feel guilty about the past, and he’s using that as an excuse to beat you with.

You don't know how your children felt when your marriage hit the rocks and the impact it has had on them. Their memories of their childhood may not be what you think.
But as parents we do make errors, we don't get to rehearse life. We just have to crack on and deal with unexpected crap.

I'm not sure of your next steps. You could chat with your son or daughter and listen to them? Or you could ignore it (but it's likely to reoccur).

It's sounds like you and your husband put your kids through a lot when they were kids. The truth is they may never come to terms with the stress and negative experiences they experienced. The shoe is now on the other foot. As your kids had to tolerate and cope with your behaviour, now you may need to do the same. Your children had to cope when they were younger and vulnerable without the skills and experience. I understand that rewriting history and wanting them to behave in a certain way because it's convenient and more relaxing for you is desirable- however it didn't work that way for your kids and maybe when they were younger they wanted the same. I definitely think you need to think about positive ways that you can give your kids the ability to express their feelings, while still having boundaries. Maybe get out of the family home and spend time time together doing things together to make more positive memories.

I definitely think you need to think about positive ways that you can give your kids the ability to express their feelings, while still having boundaries. Maybe get out of the family home and spend time time together doing things together to make more positive memories.

You did read the bit where he's 32 and not 13 right?

You read the bit about her not being happy with the relationship with her kids? I'm sorry if you think spending time with your kids, whatever their age, is a chore. I holiday with my parents and have a great time!

Are you saying his parents going through a rough time and subsequently working things out (many don’t, so hats off to them), is an excuse for a grown 32 year old man to act like an utterly rude disrespectful asshole?

Surely he’s old enough and experienced in life by now to have worked out his parents are human?

If parents breaking up is an excuse, there will be a lot of abusive assholes out there.

Your son behaved awfully, there’s no debating that.

That aside, he clearly has some resentment about his childhood and the way you write about it is as though it was something you all went through, but you didn’t experience the same thing as he did. You were an adult, his parent, and he was a vulnerable child.

You say you talk about how difficult it was for “us all” and how things were when you were “all younger”. There doesn’t seem to be individual acknowledgment of how things were for him. You weren’t all in the same boat. It strikes me that perhaps he feels that you justify and excuse, rather than acknowledging and apologising.

Yes, I read that bit.

I love spending time with my kids. I also love spending time with my parents, with all their brilliance and flaws and 80s parenting that definitely would not be okay today. I love that they are human, and now that I am also a parent I can see how bloody hard it is to navigate parenting and existing and trying to get it all right while probably also getting a lot of it wrong. I hope my kids will extend the same grace to me when they have their own kids (if they do).

But if my parents thought that as a middle aged woman I would want them to "make positive memories" for me while they "gave me the ability to express my feelings while still having boundaries" I would probably wonder whether they were having simultaneous strokes. That's how you parent a three year old, not how you have grown-up relationships.

I think there is a bit if a misunderstanding here. The OP wants to have a better relationship with her 32 tear old son and his fiancée She can either figure out how or not. some of is have suggestions that we think may open up space for conversation and intimacy. Others just want to assign blame to him and tell OP its all water under the bridge.

All the blustering and shaming and “do you hear me young man ???” From the mumsnet chorus won’t affect the relationship at all. It just tells the OP there is nothing to be done but try to strong arm him, or shame him, or reject him.

You were expecting a lovely family day together and it must have been so disappointing. As others have suggested, a good talk with your children, with your husband, to discuss the past, admit your mistakes but that’s life and shit happens etc. and listen to your children’s concerns. Then set the boundary and say to your son that he cannot revert to a petulant teenager when visiting your house. The weed smoking is concerning and won’t be helping his mood and I would definitely say you won’t tolerate him around you if he doesn’t stop it - a grown man smoking pot is pathetic.