Husband attacked me over his debts

[Bigjugsareapain33]

I'm literally broken inside and don't know how to move forward with all the emotional trauma.

I've been married 30 years and generally always saw my husband as my rock. He was never great at expressing his emotions and couldn't talk about deep issues...more surface....which I didn't understand but got used to over the years. He's always been kind, supportive and encouraging towards me. However I found out he's ran up a huge pile of debt....I only found out because debt collectors came to our door. We were in the process of sorting it ie remortgaging the house (which i felt so sick and angry at) and due to have a zoom meeting with the Bank. 15 minutes after the meeting was due i felt an almighty blow to my head from behind. I looked round, dazed because I couldn't comprehend what had happened when he bludgeoned me again. I moved my head and could see my husband standing behind me holding a 10kg kettle bell. He sad "I can't do this anymore" then pushed my head back on the armchair and tried to smother me with a small towel. I managed to run into the hall and get out but he banged the front door shut and tried smothering me again. He went back into his study to get something (probably something to do the job quicker) and I fled in utter fear, panic and terror. Absolute adrenaline. I managed to get out the back door and he just stopped in his tracks. If the back door had been locked I'd now be dead.

My neighbours heard me screaming and saw me walking down the driveway saturated in blood. DH arrested. I was taken to hospital, CT scan and fortunately nothing broken but some stitches in my scalp.

He's been let out on bail and not allowed to contact me or vice versa. Not allowed in our town. I feel so messed up because it was so out of character...like he went insane/breakdown? The thing is (and you'll think I'm an idiot) but I'm grieving our marriage, the togertheness and just being part of a couple. I just can't reconcile the man I knew for 30 years with what he's done. He's never hurt me before but he is a very plausible liar it would appear, certainly over money. His excuse was he can't say no to me....but I'm not a mental spender and always speak to him or run past him any purchases ie a coat etc....not small things. Has anyone any experience of similar? I have no closure and can't understand why he tried to, quite basically, kill me.

Any advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

Jesus Christ I’m so sorry, there are no words really.

Have they charged him with attempted murder?

Dear God, that’s awful. You are lucky to have survived!

It’s not wrong to grieve the marriage you had, and the man you knew.

You will be deep in shock for a while yet. Take time to process it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. I’ve no real advice to give, but when you are ready you may want to consider some trauma informed counselling. Sending strength and positive thoughts.

Thank goodness you are now safe. Just take one day at a time. Do you have family and friends who
will be there for you.

This is horrific. Oh my goodness. I can’t imagine how you must feel. Did the police provide any support or link to victim support?

Oh my goodness!! What a horrific experience. You must be in total shock and of course you will be reeling from this emotionally. Do you have real life support?

OriginalSkangCantGetInAccount apparently it's serious assault although the fiscal could change that

Wow, you will still be in shock. Please take care of yourself, sending support.💕

I am so sorry op, this is horrific.

Do you have someone that can stay with you tonight?

Oh God you poor thing, sounds absolutely horrific
There are many cases where men who feel like they are going to lose everything do a murder suicide, its awful and a mental illness
None of this is your fault, even if it had been you that ran up the debt (I know you didn't) and Thank God you managed to get out.
Do you have any support?

Yes I do thanks

I’m astonished he has been released?! Do you have security and locks changed, or someone who can come and stay with you?

I hope you are okay

Goodness he could have killed you.

It does seem very strange that you have never witnessed any form of Abusive behaviours for 30 years and then this. It sounds like he was truly at breaking point but there is no excuse.

I hope you have somewhere safe to stay tonight, I personally wouldn’t trust him not to come back .

You really need therapy to process this. It's extremely traumatic. The man you loved and spent a lifetime with tried to kill you. More than one feeling can exist at a time. You can love him, miss him, fear him, be qngrt with him all at the same time.

I cannot believe what I just read.

OP, I know this is all so out of the blue and irrational right now. You may be thinking he’s had a breakdown or look for a way to explain his actions. I can wholeheartedly believe that you are grieving this relationship of three decades, at this point you likely don’t know life without him.

but this is the line that sticks out the most:
”If the back door had been locked I’d now be dead”

This is serious. I am sending you all the strength you may need to keep yourself from going back. What a shock. I’m so sorry.

Yes I do thanks

Wow this is crazy, really hope you’re ok and so surprised they’ve released him !!

No serious assault

I meant to add, has he been online gambling or investing behind your back? Do you have any idea what the debts relate to?

Jesus op this is horrific. You're bound to be in complete shock and of course this is all hard to reconcile, you've been through an incredibly traumatic incident and this will take time to settle as you piece it together and process it.

Ultimately, the why is something you can figure out later but right at this moment in time you absolutely are not safe around him. Are you safe where you are currently? Does he know where you are, is the address you are currently staying at red flagged for rapid response from police? Have you been linked in for support from womens aid and victim support?

His actions are completely and utterly inexcusable and the difficulty I'm guessing is that you're looking for a 'why' to make this all make sense, but in reality NOTHING justifies what he's done. There is no why that will ever be enough to make this make sense. He has mismanaged his finances and he's holding you accountable to avoid accountability himself, he took his rage out on you because he was to weak to manage it himself or seek help with it. His actions are deeply, deeply unfair. But op I'm sorry, I wouldn't be minimising this as a mental break as what you're describing sounds lucid and controlled rather than psychotic and I think it's important for your safety that you recognise that even though that's much more painful in some ways.

Of course you'll feel an immense sense of grief and loss. The partnership you thought you were in, the life you thought you had, the man you thought you knew and the hopes and dreams you had for your future have all just been taken from you by the person who was supposed to love and care for you. Its a huge amount of loss and you will need to be gentle with yourself and take your time as you grieve that. You will need support, counselling and good people around you while you recover from this. But op the thing that hurt you cannot be what heals you. You need space and silence away from him to give yourself a chance to navigate this with a clear mind firstly. Victim support will also be good to link in with and i wouldbe questioning why this is not being charged as attempted murder (although they may still be gathering evidence). I'm so sorry he did this, you did not deserve it in any way and he should never have harmed you in this way.

I have a close friend who went through very similar, also totally out of the blue to her mind but he'd been planning a murder suicide, she and her kids thankfully survived. She's in a significantly better place now a few years later and is did really well, focusing on embracing all the joy there is to be had in life where she can. Where you are at right now will not last forever, but you need to go through it and feel the pain and use the support in order to get to that other side. But that is waiting for you.

This happened 3 months ago....but still feels surreal....I'm perfectly safe, just utterly bewildered and confused. Even the police are confused....he's getting psychiatric evaluations for impending court date though that could take up to 2 years so I've been told by the court liaison.

Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry. Personally I would be livid that he's been released. He belongs behind bars. Do you have someone to advocate for you? Surely the police realise how serious this is?

Oh god, op, that read like a fucking horror novel

do you have people around you to look after you? Have you got a ring camera and doorbell set up??

yanbu to grieve, but you would be crazy to contact him. The man you love has died tbh, and what’s left is a psycho who tried to take you with him to hell!!

best of luck, wishing you well 🥺🥺💕