Husband attacked me over his debts

[Bigjugsareapain33]

I'm literally broken inside and don't know how to move forward with all the emotional trauma.

I've been married 30 years and generally always saw my husband as my rock. He was never great at expressing his emotions and couldn't talk about deep issues...more surface....which I didn't understand but got used to over the years. He's always been kind, supportive and encouraging towards me. However I found out he's ran up a huge pile of debt....I only found out because debt collectors came to our door. We were in the process of sorting it ie remortgaging the house (which i felt so sick and angry at) and due to have a zoom meeting with the Bank. 15 minutes after the meeting was due i felt an almighty blow to my head from behind. I looked round, dazed because I couldn't comprehend what had happened when he bludgeoned me again. I moved my head and could see my husband standing behind me holding a 10kg kettle bell. He sad "I can't do this anymore" then pushed my head back on the armchair and tried to smother me with a small towel. I managed to run into the hall and get out but he banged the front door shut and tried smothering me again. He went back into his study to get something (probably something to do the job quicker) and I fled in utter fear, panic and terror. Absolute adrenaline. I managed to get out the back door and he just stopped in his tracks. If the back door had been locked I'd now be dead.

My neighbours heard me screaming and saw me walking down the driveway saturated in blood. DH arrested. I was taken to hospital, CT scan and fortunately nothing broken but some stitches in my scalp.

He's been let out on bail and not allowed to contact me or vice versa. Not allowed in our town. I feel so messed up because it was so out of character...like he went insane/breakdown? The thing is (and you'll think I'm an idiot) but I'm grieving our marriage, the togertheness and just being part of a couple. I just can't reconcile the man I knew for 30 years with what he's done. He's never hurt me before but he is a very plausible liar it would appear, certainly over money. His excuse was he can't say no to me....but I'm not a mental spender and always speak to him or run past him any purchases ie a coat etc....not small things. Has anyone any experience of similar? I have no closure and can't understand why he tried to, quite basically, kill me.

Any advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

What a traumatic experience you have had and you are clearly in shock at your husband’s attack. It’s natural to grieve the loss of your marriage, you have been together for 30 years. Please be gentle on yourself.
Please also make sure you keep the doors locked and your phone charged and with you at all times. Do you have a door bell camera or any cameras around. I would be worried if he is on bail he may attempt to come back and try again. If you are at all worried please call the police immediately. They would rather come out for a false alarm than you not call. Also, have the police put a flag on your property? Do you have children there with you/can you go somewhere to stay for a while for your own safety?
Sending you a virtual hand hold and hope you can get some rest. 💐

Apologies, you updated while I was writing my post to say this was three months ago. I hope you have been able to get some therapy to help you process what has happened and you have support.

I assume you’re in Scotland as you mention the Fiscal?

It sounds like he’s been released on an undertaking (charged at the police station, bailed with conditions and summoned to court at a later date).

I really expect this will be upgraded to attempted murder. It’s a head blow with a heavy implement, followed by an attempt to smother - so two separate actions. The way this is viewed, he had a chance to stop, to rethink, but carried on anyway.

The Fiscal will be in touch with you in due course, but there’ll be lots of process to get through. I suspect your husband will either plead guilty (if it’s upgraded to attempted murder, his solicitor will probably want the Fiscal to accept an assault charge if he has no prior record and is of good character), or you’ll go to trial.

There’s a divisor of the Fiscal Service called VIA. It’s the staff who provide info, support and help to victims. You can speak to them in the meantime for updates etc.

I think it's linked to crypto currency and not paying his taxes which must have built up over years. I constantly asked him if everything was OK, but he shrugged it off and always told me everything was fine, but I had nagging doubts because he's been emotionally distancing himself for years. But very, very gradually. I had absolutely no idea because everything looked normal in our bank accounts. I thought it was stress at work and just getting older....he's very plausible in lying....I just can't get over or understand any of it.

How awful, for you. Please tell me you have left all his debts in his name and moved forward to legally separating and divorcing this person. You can start again but you dont need to be dragging his debts with you. happy to chat PM

So sorry @Bigjugsareapain33 I cannot imagine what you are going through. But as others have said, your riot of feelings sounds ‘normal’ in the circumstances. You loved your DH; he has acted completely out of character (i.e. the opposite of loving). I am not surprised you are wondering what the hell you are feeling/wondering if you can trust how you feel/used to feel about him and are questioning everything. This is going to take a long time for your brain to process; please be gentle with yourself, you have done nothing to deserve this. Sending my wishes for you to find peace.

So sorry. I can't believe it's been labelled serious assault and not attempted murder.

OP I felt sick for you reading this. I am so sorry for what you experienced.

My mind immediately went to the thought that he intended to kill you, the back door was deliberately open and he intended to stage it as a break in and claim on life insurance to clear debts.

I hope I am wrong but you do not deserve to pay with your life for his shit handling of finances.

What an awful thing to have happened to you. You must have been absolutely terrified and so shocked.

The grief you're feeling is completely natural. It is a very sad time for you, having to come terms with something so devastating. When you feel ready, do get some counselling to help you cope. Are you getting support from family/friends.

I wish you well. Keep comng back here to talk things through

That’s horrific and surely attempted murder . It is sheer luck he didn’t kill you .

Yes, I'm due to see someone from Womens Aid soon, there was a waiting list

Just to add - it’s very, very common that the police decide the charge at the time of the offence and this is changed in due course. It’s actually very common for them to even charge incorrectly (such as labelling a serious road traffic offence charge as careless driving instead of dangerous or failing to add a racial/disability aggravation to a charge) which is why the Fiscal is there.

I saw he’s having mental health evaluation - standard. They’ll want to make sure he was aware of his actions at the time, and that he’s fit to stand trial now. They might also be looking for a bit of mitigation in relation to his actions being caused by a mental health crisis.

My advice is to hire a good solicitor who has experience working with forensic accountants in case you need that service.

You also can make a claim against the criminal injury compensation board- not that it helps with the trauma

Op no offence and I know it's a supportive environment on here but you may want to consider having this thread removed or taking out some details. If this case comes before a professional who has read this thread they would have to recuse themselves from your case. I also think as there are serious proceedings pending you might also be prejudicing any right to a fair trial.

That's the thing though, during the attack he looked insane...not angry, just possessed if you will (not that I believe in any of that) but insane and unhinged. I don't even know if there was a meeting with the Bank....? Yet, he seemed perfectly normal that morning. I meant to add i found cocaine hidden in his study along with a few bottles of booze. He's the last person you would ever imagine taking illegal drugs...or any drugs for that matter. It's clearly been a coping mechanism

Bloody hell OP, thank goodness you got away!
An attack like that would be traumatising from anyone, but from someone you've lived with for 30 years and not know to be violent of course there are feelings of grief and confusion to contend with. It's perfectly understandable to have all of the feelings that would be typical of the end of a marriage, as well as those that follow being attacked so horrifically.

The fact that it was his deceit that led him there, an inability to own his mistakes and do what he had to to make amends, makes it scarier somehow (no provocation would justify those actions of course). That alone (debt) must have been an awful shock to you already. I hope you are able to access support for yourself to help you process all of this.

edit - must have taken me a long time to type that! Glad to see you will be speaking with. Womens Aid

I work with dv perps and im suspicious enough to think he is seeking a psych assessment to get a lesser sentence. Yes it may have been some odd blip, but he could have killed you. He came at you from behind to surprise you. With a weighted object.
Please keep yourself safe x

I am so sorry you have been through this terrible and terrifying experience, I actually gasped out loud while reading your first post. I think it is appalling that he has been allowed out on bail given the serious level of violence he used against you. Of course you must be profoundly shocked that after all this time he has become a violent stranger, I am guessing part of you feel that it cannot be real but sadly it is. I hope that in real life you have emotional and practical support to help you begin a new life

A feiends husband tried to kill her and the children one night. They locked themselves in the sitting room and escaped out of the window. He did kill a pet

The shock to her family was great. I'm so sorry OP

This is exactly what went through my head.
so sorry for you OP. How awful.

I would not think about why. It happened.

I'm sorry if I missed it, but do you have kids together?

I’m deeply sorry to read this. It made me think instantly of the stories you hear over the years in the press of men in financial trouble who kill their families, then themselves. I don’t think there can be doubt that he intended to kill you in that moment. It will take time to process this and you need professional support. Have the police provided you with any support? Speak to women’s aid. You need therapy for this. It’s sadly a well trodden path by women and there are resources out there. We’re all here for you too xxx

Oh my goodness, what you have been through is horrific. I think it's part of the process our brains go through when dealing with trauma - you have to come to terms with the end of a 30 year relationship, and the fact your husband isn't the man you thought he was. Trauma is processed in stages, and this is probably one of the first parts. You're likely still in shock and disbelief. You will become angry, and this is normal too in the circumstances.

Knowing you came very very close to dying, is something else that you will need to process. No, you didn't, but the fact you could have, and if circumstances were different, you would have is terrifying.

Your husband tried to blame you for the debt, he'd got himself into - you weren't to blame and you know that. It's easier to blame someone else, than admit responsibility and be accountable for his actions.

Please seek counselling to help you process your feelings and emotions. Sending you much love ❤️