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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separate beds help

33 replies

Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 15:15

Hey, first post on here and what's going to seem a long one, but I'll try to keep as short as possible.

Myself and my partner have been together for six years, in that time we've experienced ups and downs like anyone (I think)

One of the biggest being told my step son (my partners child) has autism. Fairly severe too, he walks, talks a little (fairly repetitive) can ask for a drink, get himself dressed etc. however he struggles with change a little (no where near as before) using words in context, toilet training etc etc. He's an absolute belter of a kid and shows his love in so many more ways than using words!

He was around three when we got the diagnosis, he's now just over eight.

We always used to share a bed, obviously you have the issue of children pushing their luck coming into bed with you etc etc.

For a few years now, I've been in the spare box room sleeping on the bottom bunk (used when my children come over) I'm then on the sofa or I top and tail with my kids! And I hate it. Birthday's, Christmas eves, Christmas nights etc.......i go to bed by myself and wake up by myself, it's made me so low!

As corny as it may sound, my partner has always been the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing at night......it used to be things like.......if I get up earlier tomorrow i can nip to the shop and get her a vape or milk etc before she wakes so she doesn't have to go out in the cold.........it's still that, but with alot of "why isn't she trying or open to conversation about the one thing I mention" and waking up is like "ahhh great waking by myself again"

I have explained to my partner so many times that this has caused issues in our relationship and that it's also got me down which in turn makes me not me, which also has a negative affect on our relationship.

Sex is pretty much non existent, once every few months maybe.

I've explained that it's not just about sex but I miss her, miss having a perv at her bum I'm the mornings, miss tickling her back so she falls asleep, miss having a cuddle watching a film, miss her telling me how much duvet I stole etc etc.

I've brought this up too, and I'm met with an awful lot of anger and frustration.

My stepson is in bed with mum, not because he has to be, but because he'll cry when he's put into his own bed...... I've explained that my two children done that too and that I think he's testing boundaries.

Not that I'm correct on that, but just speaking from experience.

I've offered to sleep on the landing, in his bedroom etc to get him back into his bed, his old routine, and mums never agreed or pushed for that, supported the idea etc.

I asked my partner as recently as three weeks ago if we can get him back into his own bed so we can share a bed again....she replied "yeah course I'll try"

My hopes built back up slightly, fast forward three weeks and nothing, it's just up stairs and he walks straight into "mummy's room" and I'm given a kiss and I'm in the bunk bed again.

I brought this up yesterday and boom, I was met with "this is my life" "if you don't like it you know what to do" "he will always come first" "you shouldn't rely on me" "you're always moaning about it, I've had it up to here" etc etc. it's the same anytime I mention it, it's like I have to think "is now a good time"

I wanted to bring it up sooner, but I've been holding my feelings in because I know my partner has a lot on her mind after falling out with a family member, so I've not wanted to ad more stress to her head.

I have never once asked my partner for so much as a bottle of pop from the shop. And the only thing I bring up is this said Issue.

I feel deflated, I do everything I can for the both of them, and I've sacrificed an awful lot for this relationship and still do to this day.

I had a realisation a few days back that this is probably never going to change, I love the woman but I can't stay like this forever.

Even signing up to this to ask you guys and girls for advice is huge for me.

Any advice please????

And thank you for reading!

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 30/12/2025 15:34

That’s a tough one, it does sound as if she is happy with the status quo at the moment and isn’t looking to change it.

does your step son ever stay at his dads? If so what is he like when he goes there?

At the end of the day the relationship isn’t working for you and maybe it is time to take a step back to reassess.

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 15:49

Hi Wolfpa,

His dad's not on the scene, hasn't been since he was a baby.

However, on the odd occasion when he stays over family members homes. He's not solely in their beds. He has his own bed at his nans, which he sleeps in, but at times she puts him in with her, because he'll sleep longer.

As for the step back.

I mentioned maybe we need a little break for a couple of weeks recently. I was told she would resent me if I done that.

That was end of conversation.

Thank you for the reply, it's appreciated!!

OP posts:
Wisperley · 30/12/2025 15:50

Possibly your partner doesn't like you "perving at her bum" in the mornings. I know I wouldn't.

She's made her feelings clear - up to you what you do about it but it seems you have two choices - put up with it, or leave.

Andthatrightsoon · 30/12/2025 15:57

I would leave. She will always (rightly) prioritise her son's needs over you and the relationship. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and unable to ask for something as innocuous as a bottle of pop. Relationships need give and take to be healthy. This isn't that.

Andthatrightsoon · 30/12/2025 15:59

Wisperley · 30/12/2025 15:50

Possibly your partner doesn't like you "perving at her bum" in the mornings. I know I wouldn't.

She's made her feelings clear - up to you what you do about it but it seems you have two choices - put up with it, or leave.

I think it was a poorly-phrased tongue-in-cheek comment illustrating the lack of intimacy.

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 16:10

Hiya,

It's Exactly that......tongue and cheek about intimacy, all forms of it.

I 100 percent agree that his needs will always come before mine and rightly so as you said.

I'm just struggling to see how "his needs" are that!

He doesn't need to sleep in the bed, there's no medical reason, just a child who CAN so will.

Mums told me herself that she can't cope with the whining from him, she gives in to him all of the time when he starts crying, in many situations, not just at bed time.

As where I'm completely different and would let him cry (providing he's safe and well obviously) and give in way later than mum.

I think you've taken the "asking for a bottle of pop" the wrong way.

I meant that I never ask for anything, not because I'm walking on egg shells or where I feel I can't.

But because I'm a grown man who asks for very little from anybody.

That's not be banging my chest like some neanderthal either. But me saying that the only thing I've asked for, the only thing that really bothers me, the only thing that's clearly had a detrimental affect on us..... Just get fobbed off.

Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 30/12/2025 16:25

I think I would question if she really wants you as a partner or whether she hangs in there because she likes what you bring to the household apart from intimacy with you.

Having her son in bed with her is a physical manifestation that shes not interested in it being you. Frankly if you were my son or brother my advice would be to eff off and leave her to it.

A grown man sleeping in a bunk bed or on a couch, well, in my world, it beggars belief.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

Andthatrightsoon · 30/12/2025 17:13

PashaMinaMio · 30/12/2025 16:25

I think I would question if she really wants you as a partner or whether she hangs in there because she likes what you bring to the household apart from intimacy with you.

Having her son in bed with her is a physical manifestation that shes not interested in it being you. Frankly if you were my son or brother my advice would be to eff off and leave her to it.

A grown man sleeping in a bunk bed or on a couch, well, in my world, it beggars belief.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

I agree with this. She's showing no signs of wanting to work together to create a happy, fulfilling environment for everyone. She's clearly showing you that. You don't come across as a Neanderthal at all - just someone unhappy and frustrated at the situation in which you find yourself.

Good is the enemy of the best. You could be missing out on a much happier life. Do you want children? Marriage? How long will you wait to see change? I think in this case you have to be the one to say 'this isn't working for me'. It's okay.

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 17:34

Andthatrightsoon · 30/12/2025 17:13

I agree with this. She's showing no signs of wanting to work together to create a happy, fulfilling environment for everyone. She's clearly showing you that. You don't come across as a Neanderthal at all - just someone unhappy and frustrated at the situation in which you find yourself.

Good is the enemy of the best. You could be missing out on a much happier life. Do you want children? Marriage? How long will you wait to see change? I think in this case you have to be the one to say 'this isn't working for me'. It's okay.

Show quote history

It doesn't seem like it, intimacy used to be great, massive downfall when the whole bed situation started and less as that has gone on.

It's weird because throughout the day she like a cuddle, to watch a film together, hold hands etc etc etc but come bed time it's like.....right love you night and into the spare room I go.

It's become so normal that anything else seems abnormal.

No more children, I've got two from a previous relationship.

I've waited for a long long time, like groundhog day I suppose.

It's frustrating that can't be seen and that my feelings are invalidated so much over the only thing I've mentioned in all of this time.

If he needed to sleep in with mum, she'd tried etc then I'd be so much more understanding.

It's the lack of thought and consideration towards me that's upsetting.

OP posts:
MonkeyChopsUser · 30/12/2025 17:44

I brought this up yesterday and boom, I was met with "this is my life" "if you don't like it you know what to do" "he will always come first" "you shouldn't rely on me" "you're always moaning about it, I've had it up to here" etc etc. it's the same anytime I mention it, it's like I have to think "is now a good time"

You have answered your own question- time to end things and move on

EducatingArti · 30/12/2025 17:46

I think part of the issue is that autistic children can be very poor sleepers and also may not be safe if they wake up in the night and everyone else is asleep.

Your partner may be fairly overwhelmed with trying to care for her son and the thought of facing broken nights when he doesn't sleep well might be just more than she feels she can manage.

I think, if you can manage it you need a very open and honest conversation about the issue. You have been honest about what you would like but you need to hear what the real issues are for her. Would she be willing to talk about this if you were able to listen non judgmentally rather than immediately suggesting solutions?

If you are genuinely able to hear each other you may be able to work out a solid between you.

Otherwise, as others have said you need to decide whether you want to continue with this relationship.

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 17:59

EducatingArti · 30/12/2025 17:46

I think part of the issue is that autistic children can be very poor sleepers and also may not be safe if they wake up in the night and everyone else is asleep.

Your partner may be fairly overwhelmed with trying to care for her son and the thought of facing broken nights when he doesn't sleep well might be just more than she feels she can manage.

I think, if you can manage it you need a very open and honest conversation about the issue. You have been honest about what you would like but you need to hear what the real issues are for her. Would she be willing to talk about this if you were able to listen non judgmentally rather than immediately suggesting solutions?

If you are genuinely able to hear each other you may be able to work out a solid between you.

Otherwise, as others have said you need to decide whether you want to continue with this relationship.

Hiya,

If that was the case then I'd completely understand! I've by no means got blinkers on and think it's my way or no way.

Completely agree with you that he's a poor sleeper, he has more bad nights than good. He was however good when he used to wake whilst In his own bed, he's just whine until he got called into "the big bed"

Safety was and never has really been a concern throughout the nights.

A conversation I'd love, however it turns into an argument anytime I mention it, and it's me wanting this or that etc etc as mentioned in my first post.

I honestly don't feel I've been intimidating in any way, I've just mentioned how I feel and possible solutions to help me and help us. It been clear for me for so long how much of an effect it's having and I've tried so many times to address it.

I can see that me mentioning it every so often might seem like I'm going on, I just struggle to see that is the only thing I mention so surely something that bothers me, and with the explanation of the affect it's had/having on us......might be talked about properly etc.

Thank you for the reply!

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 18:02

EducatingArti · 30/12/2025 17:46

I think part of the issue is that autistic children can be very poor sleepers and also may not be safe if they wake up in the night and everyone else is asleep.

Your partner may be fairly overwhelmed with trying to care for her son and the thought of facing broken nights when he doesn't sleep well might be just more than she feels she can manage.

I think, if you can manage it you need a very open and honest conversation about the issue. You have been honest about what you would like but you need to hear what the real issues are for her. Would she be willing to talk about this if you were able to listen non judgmentally rather than immediately suggesting solutions?

If you are genuinely able to hear each other you may be able to work out a solid between you.

Otherwise, as others have said you need to decide whether you want to continue with this relationship.

And I honestly think the main issue for her is the peace.

When he used to be in his own bed then start crying etc, mum would sigh and then call him in.

She'd say that it's hard work having him running in the bedroom and waking her in the night.

I honestly think it's just easier for Mum, she's not getting broken sleep, she doesn't have to listen to him whine etc. Things she's mentioned to me before

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 30/12/2025 18:09

@Adviceappreciated12
I honestly think it's just easier for Mum, she's not getting broken sleep, she doesn't have to listen to him whine etc. Things she's mentioned to me before

I think you need to accept that this is what's more important to her than intimacy or even a relationship full stop. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, just in different places in terms of your relationship.

ManyATrueWord · 30/12/2025 19:12

So your problem isn't that she is putting her some first, it's that she is putting her needs first and your needs nowhere. If she can't manage the needs of more than one person at this stage then she isn't your partner.

Endofyear · 30/12/2025 21:19

I think she's made it quite clear that she's not going to change the current arrangement. So either you suck it up or you leave?

Coffeislife · 30/12/2025 23:21

Does she go to bed at the same time as him ? I have 2 with Asd 1 could never ever share a bed with someone even when little, the other it's around the only time he wants to be near people. Could he be moved after falling asleep ? It's not just about the relationship but also his independence.

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 31/12/2025 05:56

Coffeislife · 30/12/2025 23:21

Does she go to bed at the same time as him ? I have 2 with Asd 1 could never ever share a bed with someone even when little, the other it's around the only time he wants to be near people. Could he be moved after falling asleep ? It's not just about the relationship but also his independence.

Hiya,

Uhhh yeah, he falls asleep on the sofa fairly late. Normally around 21:00 - 22:30.

At that point we all go up to bed.

Me into the spare room. He then walks straight into mums room, I linger by the spare room door, getting changed and waiting for a kiss and to say goodnight.

Same every night.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 31/12/2025 07:31

Do you ever get any time just the two of you OP?

I completely get your DP prioritising her sleep- DH and I sleep separately mainly due to my sleep problems, so I go in his bed at other times and we encourage our 12yo to go to bed before me.

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/12/2025 08:18

@Adviceappreciated12 do you live together ? If so how would a break work for you ?
Your partner says she would resent a break if be explaining how much you resent your feelings being dismissed.
Tell her the situation isn’t working you and you both with together to change it or you will separate .

Original poster
Adviceappreciated12 · 31/12/2025 08:23

MinnieMountain · 31/12/2025 07:31

Do you ever get any time just the two of you OP?

I completely get your DP prioritising her sleep- DH and I sleep separately mainly due to my sleep problems, so I go in his bed at other times and we encourage our 12yo to go to bed before me.

We very rarely get any us time, we have no childcare really.

I know that intimacy isn't just sex, I know it's built way before that, and us time being a huge factor of that. However we have no one to have him overnight, the family and friends we do have my partner does not want to burden/trust. Not because their bad or no good, but because he can be hard work and disruptive at times.

We used to have childcare and it was the same then too, I don't think I can see that it's gotten worse since we haven't had childcare. If that makes sense.

I know we're two completely different people with different minds, I just like to think that if it was the other way around I wouldn't just disregard my partner and shut them down straight away because it benefits me.

As other people have suggested, gradually would be nice, even weekends would make me happy because I know I'm up early for work during the week so I wouldn't want to risk waking anyone anyway.

It's just that it's NOTHING, and I'm really really struggling to see any change or light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
SBGM247 · 31/12/2025 08:28

Adviceappreciated12 · 30/12/2025 15:15

Hey, first post on here and what's going to seem a long one, but I'll try to keep as short as possible.

Myself and my partner have been together for six years, in that time we've experienced ups and downs like anyone (I think)

One of the biggest being told my step son (my partners child) has autism. Fairly severe too, he walks, talks a little (fairly repetitive) can ask for a drink, get himself dressed etc. however he struggles with change a little (no where near as before) using words in context, toilet training etc etc. He's an absolute belter of a kid and shows his love in so many more ways than using words!

He was around three when we got the diagnosis, he's now just over eight.

We always used to share a bed, obviously you have the issue of children pushing their luck coming into bed with you etc etc.

For a few years now, I've been in the spare box room sleeping on the bottom bunk (used when my children come over) I'm then on the sofa or I top and tail with my kids! And I hate it. Birthday's, Christmas eves, Christmas nights etc.......i go to bed by myself and wake up by myself, it's made me so low!

As corny as it may sound, my partner has always been the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing at night......it used to be things like.......if I get up earlier tomorrow i can nip to the shop and get her a vape or milk etc before she wakes so she doesn't have to go out in the cold.........it's still that, but with alot of "why isn't she trying or open to conversation about the one thing I mention" and waking up is like "ahhh great waking by myself again"

I have explained to my partner so many times that this has caused issues in our relationship and that it's also got me down which in turn makes me not me, which also has a negative affect on our relationship.

Sex is pretty much non existent, once every few months maybe.

I've explained that it's not just about sex but I miss her, miss having a perv at her bum I'm the mornings, miss tickling her back so she falls asleep, miss having a cuddle watching a film, miss her telling me how much duvet I stole etc etc.

I've brought this up too, and I'm met with an awful lot of anger and frustration.

My stepson is in bed with mum, not because he has to be, but because he'll cry when he's put into his own bed...... I've explained that my two children done that too and that I think he's testing boundaries.

Not that I'm correct on that, but just speaking from experience.

I've offered to sleep on the landing, in his bedroom etc to get him back into his bed, his old routine, and mums never agreed or pushed for that, supported the idea etc.

I asked my partner as recently as three weeks ago if we can get him back into his own bed so we can share a bed again....she replied "yeah course I'll try"

My hopes built back up slightly, fast forward three weeks and nothing, it's just up stairs and he walks straight into "mummy's room" and I'm given a kiss and I'm in the bunk bed again.

I brought this up yesterday and boom, I was met with "this is my life" "if you don't like it you know what to do" "he will always come first" "you shouldn't rely on me" "you're always moaning about it, I've had it up to here" etc etc. it's the same anytime I mention it, it's like I have to think "is now a good time"

I wanted to bring it up sooner, but I've been holding my feelings in because I know my partner has a lot on her mind after falling out with a family member, so I've not wanted to ad more stress to her head.

I have never once asked my partner for so much as a bottle of pop from the shop. And the only thing I bring up is this said Issue.

I feel deflated, I do everything I can for the both of them, and I've sacrificed an awful lot for this relationship and still do to this day.

I had a realisation a few days back that this is probably never going to change, I love the woman but I can't stay like this forever.

Even signing up to this to ask you guys and girls for advice is huge for me.

Any advice please????

And thank you for reading!

@Adviceappreciated12 you deserve to be loved and have your needs met. You've communicated and she's not listening or interested. So take action and move out. It's not working for you clearly. Do you just need a nudge?

DesparatePragmatist · 31/12/2025 08:30

Not a comment on the wider relationship issues, but re the DSS's sleep: some autistic children can be helped to sleep better with melatonin supplements. You can just order them online, or talk to his GP. It could be part of an effort to help him sleep better which would then improve things for the whole household, which might then leave more space for your relationship to improve. I wouldn't suggest this so that you can get back in bed with her, but more to see if it helps him and takes the pressure off your DP.

I sleep separately from my DH and much prefer it so she might not see sleeping together as the goal! But disrupted sleep after a day with a child with special needs is going to be a head wrecker for anyone.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 31/12/2025 08:33

@Adviceappreciated12 I think you sound lovely, you're trying to put your stepsons needs first but you also need to be appreciated and loved by your partner.

I think you need to insist on an open and honest conversation with her about the situation. And if you both can't find a way through, then you need to leave.

Richandbeautiful · 31/12/2025 08:41

I think she is happy with the setting and she isn't wanting to deal with the hassle of changing her son's routine. Between your feelings, his feelings and hers she chooses her son then herself. I think the choice is either to accept this set up or break up, sorry my friend.