Separate beds help

[Adviceappreciated12]

Hey, first post on here and what's going to seem a long one, but I'll try to keep as short as possible.

Myself and my partner have been together for six years, in that time we've experienced ups and downs like anyone (I think)

One of the biggest being told my step son (my partners child) has autism. Fairly severe too, he walks, talks a little (fairly repetitive) can ask for a drink, get himself dressed etc. however he struggles with change a little (no where near as before) using words in context, toilet training etc etc. He's an absolute belter of a kid and shows his love in so many more ways than using words!

He was around three when we got the diagnosis, he's now just over eight.

We always used to share a bed, obviously you have the issue of children pushing their luck coming into bed with you etc etc.

For a few years now, I've been in the spare box room sleeping on the bottom bunk (used when my children come over) I'm then on the sofa or I top and tail with my kids! And I hate it. Birthday's, Christmas eves, Christmas nights etc.......i go to bed by myself and wake up by myself, it's made me so low!

As corny as it may sound, my partner has always been the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing at night......it used to be things like.......if I get up earlier tomorrow i can nip to the shop and get her a vape or milk etc before she wakes so she doesn't have to go out in the cold.........it's still that, but with alot of "why isn't she trying or open to conversation about the one thing I mention" and waking up is like "ahhh great waking by myself again"

I have explained to my partner so many times that this has caused issues in our relationship and that it's also got me down which in turn makes me not me, which also has a negative affect on our relationship.

Sex is pretty much non existent, once every few months maybe.

I've explained that it's not just about sex but I miss her, miss having a perv at her bum I'm the mornings, miss tickling her back so she falls asleep, miss having a cuddle watching a film, miss her telling me how much duvet I stole etc etc.

I've brought this up too, and I'm met with an awful lot of anger and frustration.

My stepson is in bed with mum, not because he has to be, but because he'll cry when he's put into his own bed...... I've explained that my two children done that too and that I think he's testing boundaries.

Not that I'm correct on that, but just speaking from experience.

I've offered to sleep on the landing, in his bedroom etc to get him back into his bed, his old routine, and mums never agreed or pushed for that, supported the idea etc.

I asked my partner as recently as three weeks ago if we can get him back into his own bed so we can share a bed again....she replied "yeah course I'll try"

My hopes built back up slightly, fast forward three weeks and nothing, it's just up stairs and he walks straight into "mummy's room" and I'm given a kiss and I'm in the bunk bed again.

I brought this up yesterday and boom, I was met with "this is my life" "if you don't like it you know what to do" "he will always come first" "you shouldn't rely on me" "you're always moaning about it, I've had it up to here" etc etc. it's the same anytime I mention it, it's like I have to think "is now a good time"

I wanted to bring it up sooner, but I've been holding my feelings in because I know my partner has a lot on her mind after falling out with a family member, so I've not wanted to ad more stress to her head.

I have never once asked my partner for so much as a bottle of pop from the shop. And the only thing I bring up is this said Issue.

I feel deflated, I do everything I can for the both of them, and I've sacrificed an awful lot for this relationship and still do to this day.

I had a realisation a few days back that this is probably never going to change, I love the woman but I can't stay like this forever.

Even signing up to this to ask you guys and girls for advice is huge for me.

Any advice please????

And thank you for reading!

It may be that the cosleeping is making parenting that bit easier for her and she is exhausted and overwhelmed and enjoys that connection with her son rather than the alternative if it’s hard to connect with him in all the other ways we expect when we have kids. I slept with my autistic son until he was 12 and he naturally migrated out of the bed, the last thing I wanted at night was demands from my ex and cosleeping was a positive part of our lives.
however, you also have needs, is it possible you could be happy if you could carve out a different time? To be close and affectionate with each other? And maybe rearrange some furniture so you are not just sleeping on the kids bottom bunk? If you can’t that’s fair but she may not be willing to throw a grenade into the parenting situation.
despite what many on here will say, extended cosleeping isn’t inherently wrong so I don’t think it’s fair to say just cos your kids stopped she should. All 3 of you have needs so it may be about being creative if you can.

Have you or would you both be open to seeing a couples therapist? Maybe that would be a good option for you to both be able to talk about this and any other issues in a secure space. From your post you sound like a reasonable person who doesn’t want to push boundaries but is also suffering yourself because of this issue.

We recently had a similar issue. My son (toddler) slept in our bed whilst he was unwell as I needed to monitor him and his breathing throughout the night. After that he refused to go into his own bed again and my partner was left to sleep on the sofa as there was no other option. I would try to sleep downstairs but he wouldn’t let me. This went on for around 3 months and he was really starting to become unhappy and I understood it. He missed the intimacy and that’s completely normal. The solution…. We got our son a new bed and we tried hard to get him into it and thankfully he loves his new bed and now asks to go to bed. The second part of the plan was to get ourselves a new bed in case he ever wanted to sleep in there again. We got a super king so there’s space for all 3 of us. Is this something you could do and your partner would be ok with?

Hiya, thank you for the reply.

We've talked about melatonin previously, however my partner is quite funny with medication. She takes one ibuprofen reluctantly and she's cured from anything lol. So that's out of the question.

Completely agree with you that special needs children can be very challenging, especially with the little help we get.

I know this obviously has an affect across the board too. Everyone is tired mentally and physically.

Thank you!

Far from perfect but I do try.

If I had some hope, a glimmer then I wouldn't be writing any of this stuff.

If you have alternative accommodation to go to then that is what you should do and see what happens. Do not go back at her first try to get you back as undoubtedly she may well try. What you have not said is how much money you contribute to her household as that may well be a factor. You sound caring and honest and in need of a big hug. It is exhausting for parents that have autistic children however, for her not to even try once every now again to make a date night or whatever speaks volumes. Most autistic households need to have some form of togetherness in order to survive the turmoil.

Just simply this sounds like you're living with your good pal 😅
You SHOULD be able to perv on your partner too! Some of the comments on here are silly 🤣
The fact theres no compromise available tells you everything.
I have an autistic child and everyone sleeps in their own bed 🤷‍♀️ i think thats being used as an excuse.
I think it might be time to leave if you want that closeness again, but itll have to be with someone who shares that sentiment.

Hi op she has made it clear her dc is in the bed and not you I would leave tbh it’s never going to change your not getting anything from the relationship being lonely and miserable isn’t what you signed up for your not married or his dad move on.

Who owns the house? I think living separately would be a good idea.