Someone tell me that I'm being irrational!!!!

[PersonalClown]

I NEEEEEEEEED it.
Only been with DP for about 6 weeks but he has been a friend for over 15 years so we have a lot of history.

His Xp rang Sunday morning at 8am crying and saying she needed help.
Background-She cheated on DP for the best part of a year then left him for a bloke that hits her. She's 5 months PG by him.(not dp)
She said that DP was right and she shouldn't have started seeing this bloke (shouldn't have cheated but thats my opinion).
Anyway...Dp is a very caring, loyal bloke. He would do almost anything for those he cares about and so feels almost 'obligated' to help.
She is staying in the flat next door to his with her friend, ringing him every hour or so and is currently having dinner with him at my neighbours about 10 doors up.

He has reassured me that He feels nothing for her and doesn't want her back. He says that I have given him faith in women again.
So why is my 'danger' radar clanging like Big Ben??

Someone Slap me, I am being irrational and being jealous does nothing but cause problems!

Listen to your intuition, that's what it's there for! FWIW I would be pretty pissed off and not very happy about this sort of situation. How would he feel if the boot was on the other foot and you dropped everything for your ex? You can bet your bottom dollar he would be very uncomfortable with what was happening!

Talk to him, it's the only thing you can do at this stage and if he bolts, well, he is not worth wasting your time on!

Oh we have talked and I have explained my 'issues'. He swears that he can't forgive her for what she did (and believe me it really is unforgiveable) and has said I can be there if/when they are together.
I don't want to do that as I trust him. It's her I have the problem with. She calls when she wants something with no regard for what he feels or what she did to him.

Jeez I sound so jealous and over-bearing. I'm really not. I just can't shake this feeling I have. 'Apparently' she is leaving the area at the weekend. She just needed to leave the Abusive bloke right away. (fair enough)

HUGS no advice, I'd feel the same as you!

How long were they together? If it was many years I can see why he would want to keep in touch. Be clear that you would not want this situation happening too regularly as it would be too much of a conflict of interests.

If he feels that he needs to be there for her on a regular basis then it is probably not a good idea to continue your relationship as a couple at the present time.

Ringing every HOUR? FGS, thats crazy even if she was his GF.
DO they have kids?

Sorry crossed posts well it'll probably resolve itelf then. Just ask him to be clear with her that while he empathises with her they will not be meeting on a regular basis as it is you he is having a relationship with. Maybe he can suggest someone else she can ring when shes desperate.

Yeah she does sound like someone I would not want to leave with my partner. So it is wise that you ask him to lay down boundaries and why not have a show of solidarity by being with him when/if they meet again. (Be clear with DP that it is HER you don't trust not HIM.) This way you are showing her that you are no push over.

MMmm yes charlycat that one slipped beyond my radar-that does sound unreasonably demanding!

Thanks all. I'm half way there.
He has a DD but not with her. They were together for almost 5 years but she cheated for about half that with various men.
I have his reassurance that after the weekend, this will be over and things can get back to normal.
He (we've?) made a show of the fact that I live at the bottom of the road and he's been in and out all day since they've been at my neighbours. He's also made sure that she saw him kiss me as he leaves my door!!
And he KNOWS it's her I don't trust.

hummm, I think I'd be a bit irrational too
I think there are two potential alarm bells for me:

• the regularity of the contact. If my partner was talking to ANYONE every hour or so, I'd be a bit - there is by necessity a high level of involvement there. That would include if he was talking to ME every hour actually...
• you trust him, fine. But doesn't sound like you can trust her. I just wonder why she is driving this level of contact.

OTOH, if she really is going to move away this weekend, I might be tempted to leave things for a week or so & see if they settle down when she's not around. Personally I'd need to see less dependancy going on to be comfortable.

The constant calling sounds obsessive. I'd be equally worried if that was my DH, Mum, friend, etc.

YANBU.

Do they have kids? Was it always clear to him that the pregnancy isn't his?

IME, really listen to your intuition. Not sure what I'd do in your case. Probably keep a close eye on 'things' and hold back, ready to pounce. Be nice to her. They say: keep your friends close...

It sounds like hes trying to make her jealous

Clown, if I were you, i'd get out of the relationship. Been there before and it causes nothing but heartache. You can always get back together in the future if you're both still single, bubt this is not a healthy situation.

The baby is definately not his. They split in November last year, she got PG in Jan/Feb after moving in with Abusive.
I am playing it cool by not showing that it's bothering me too much until after the weekend. If she is still around then I will definately be putting my 2 pence worth in!!
She burnt a lot of bridges by getting with this bloke, he attacked member of her family, friends etc and she stuck by him.
I think/hope she is only around because he is the only person who will help her ATM.

So is he actually speaking to her every hour?

If they are finished than they are finished - no contact. Tough if he is the only one she can turn to. She'll have to find someone else to talk to. You can pretty much guarantee she wants to get back together again. If he wants to be with you, he needs to drop her. Now. I would not be happy at all with my dh having a cosy meal with an ex. It's not just the trust - you are the one he should be dining with fgs!

Speaking, yes. Actually having a conversation with her, no.
He usually responds with a very abrupt answer, especially when I am with him.
I have overheard some phone calls. Completely by accident. I don't do eaves-dropping.

No wonder your radar is going off.

Thing is Nicky I think there are times when it is ok for a partner to dine with an ex ie if they have had a long standing amicable relationship before you come along. But this is not the case here, and really they did not split up all that long ago so feelings will still be raw.

No, definitely be there if they meet again and then say that he has done his bit no need for any more 'support'!

I think a chat is in order when he comes back before he goes home.
Should I mention about 'ending' us? Even if only to gauge his reaction?

izy, yes, there are times. This is not one of those times though, as you say!

I think it would be fine for him to switch the mobile off / ignore calls now. Otherwise he is still encouraging by responding. Didn't pick up on the regularity of the contact initially - obviously others are more on the ball than me!

No Nicky definitely NOT!

Maybe suggest you meeting up with a fictional X for lunch tommorow. See how he likes it on the other foot?
FWIW my ex has a GF and has no qualms about jumping into bed with me.

Why does he have to answer every time she calls?

clown, it would be worth telling him that your future rellationship may be jepordised(sp!) by this situation. It is also worth bearing in mind that he is probably still recovering from being treated so horribly by this woman and as such there is a chance he's not ready for a healthy relationship yet. [bitter experience face]I do hope though that he is.