covert abuse? - trying to understand

[LucyLoo1972]

Im utterly perplexed by my marriage, I thought it was pretty much perfect because we got along so well. We had the same interests, same big vision for life, see spiritual values, we enhance each others careers as they were adjacent, we both loved, art and travel and music. We had been married 16 years when I had a psychotic break down from anxiety which seems very out of the blue as I had not had a history of mental illness despite suffering extensive and prolonged childhood trauma.

in treatment in the aftermath of the psychosis, my doctors raised that they thought that there were aspects of my marriage which were very challenging and stressful at best and abusive at worst. I worked os so hard in my life to become very successful in my dream academic career that was extremely important to me because it relate to issues f social justice that I had suffered impacts of as a child.

I lost everything and have not worked for nine years. I was a happy and joyful person before. I lost all the friends id invest 25 years of friendships in, I have physical disabilities now, lost the career id worked so hard at and had won many awards for and was getting acclaim for, have no financial independence, and multiple mental health diagnoses. the internal state of my mind is literally hell 24/7. I dont even have my Christian faith anymore. I thought my husband loved me absolutely dearly so honestly I can not recover from the shock of this. the psychosis was entirely stress related so I dont have an illness like schizophrenia or bipod or anything like that. I realise now that I loved my husband so so much that his wants and needs were out first to a degree in which I didnt even spend money on really essential things fro myself like a computer and books, let alone treats.

I could describe some fo what went on but I am interested to now if anyone has suffered anythign like this. I blame myself becasue in so many ways he is a very kind perosn and im sure he loved me and didnt mean to hurt me but I let life be entirely to his comfort even though it meant I suffered. I suffered to the extent I lost my mind and no amount of money can ever bring that back.

I happened to see a post on another thread @LucyLoo1972 with names your husband has called you. I won’t repeat them here, but I was shocked that any human being could say words like that to anyone, never mind their own wife.
I haven’t been what you have been through. But I have had some similar experiences. One painful thing was grieving who I was and letting that go. And with some space I now feel proud of what I achieved, but it’s no longer who I am. Your words about your achievements sound like you really need to emphasise how brilliant they were - nothing wrong with that, but it means you are comparing yourself to someone who is no longer you. It’s the ego talking - trust me, you are enough as you are. You were then and you are now.
I used to count how many years I’d lost because of what happened to me and the after effects.
Now I work with what I have. I am a fair bit older than you, I think, and have realised that I won’t be here forever, and I deserve to live.
Women who are disabled are at huge risk of being abused in their own home. You are being abused. You need to let go of the narrative that you and this man had all of these fantasy-level connections to each other. He is an abuser and as long as you stay with him, you will never recover.
Speak to Women’s Aid if you can. Ask to speak to your GP. You are so isolated right now.
You don’t have to describe your disabilities but are you able to leave the house on your own?
There is a life for you to lead. You won’t be winning awards (although you may do, life can turn on a penny!) but you are still intelligent and certainly have passions in terms of your creativity.
I lead such a simple life now, and it took me a while to get here. I did have trauma-based EMDR treatment and it was on the NHS - I waited a while, but it changed my life.
And any man who kicks a vulnerable woman as she walks upstairs is not a man to share your life with, I am afraid.
I know it’s tough, believe me I nearly gave up
so many times, but I’m glad I stayed.
When I met new people I had no confidence and would just describe who I used to be.
Here’s a lesson which helped me - nobody is bothered. They will like you for who you are now, not letters after your name from back in the day.
I hope none of that sounds harsh. I had one tough love friend when I was really ill and she helped me far more than those that offered what I now see as too much empathy.
You deserve to live and you deserve to be content and at peace.
It is possible. It won’t feel it right now, but it is. You are a really caring, creative person.
At some point in your young life you really had to dig deep.
You may have been very ill and now you may have other disabilities but that essence of you is still in there.
Try to be kind to yourself, just for today.

thank you. I tihnk this is one of the most helpful and compassionate responses ive had through my whole predicament. my disabilities are more chronic health issues, I am able to walk and I dont have chronic pain for which I am very thankfull. I have skin condition fro the stress that counts as a disability becasue it is so sever that people usually. cant work if they have it and it is lifelong. im able together out and about and I do try to but I still feel my life is nothing. my academic achievements were so important ot me and thats one element of how I got unwell - I was extreme in my perfectionism and need to be perfect and the work I did was excellent - unnecessarily so. I donate now if it is possible ot send a private message on here or whether you would accept one but id love to ask you a couple of things. I see now my biggest achievement was being the beautiful kind soul I was after so much trauma and never having any bitterness towards my parents or anybody at all. But when literally everythign I world for was taken it became too much. but now ive lost nine years of my precious one and only life and I cant tell you how vibrant and happy I was befroe and my husabnd was a big part of that in many ways he made me feels so safe and happy.

yes the hoarding is pathological and it started befroe we married when we were dating. he used to keep stacks of his newspaper hoard at my flat and I would cover them with a blanket.

I am sorry to read this. I can’t tell from what you have said, but it is not unusual for those who experienced childhood trauma to have difficult relationships in adulthood. You learned in childhood that your needs were less important, and it’s really common to continue that in adult relationships, even if we appear to be functioning really well. Therapists might describe this in terms of attachment.

The NHS considers CPTSD to be neurodivergence, because it has such an impact on a developing brain, and are unlikely to support ADHD assessment as it’s so hard to tell what is ADHD and what is CPTSD, (in the view of many, they are the same) so honestly, I’d focus less on that, and think more about your relationships. Relational therapy with a well trained therapist is likely to be helpful.

I wish you well OP.

I hope you don’t mind I don’t do private messages on here.
But please, please know that you can make fresh achievements. They don’t have to win awards.
You have been through something life-changing. I did that - it’s been so many years, years I’ve lost. I counted them.
It is a waste of a precious life.
Start small and think of something creative - start a blog or an Instagram account charting your experiences.
Write a book about your young life, even if you are the only person who reads it.
There is no shame in having a life changing mental health crisis/illness. You write vividly about it - your words could help someone in the midst of it.
Think of those nine years as a turning point now where you have a new choice. You can’t do it alone, it’s clear you are struggling still and that needs professional support.

thank you - yes my psychologist explained this to me about CPTSD and ADHD. I always knew I struggled with executive dysfunction to some degree. it was hard in my marriage becasue my husabnd is way worse than I am - I basically organised every single thign for us. finances, travel, gifts, all household bills and outgoings, meal planning and cooking, home repairs (where he would let people in). it was all a strain becasue doing a pHD and working three different jobs requires a huge huge amount of executive function so often theorists dont believe that im lacking in this way but I had to owrk so hard at it. I Alos had such a fear of getting in trouble that it was impossible for me to miss a deadline. whereas my husband for example would miss very deadline he ever had and just ignore any adult admin. he doesnt even know how much he earns or what his pension is and I was so so careful watching every penny and now we have very little after working like dogs all of these years. it is is demoralising as I barely sent a penny on myself and didnt send on things I need ot finish my owrk.

the thing is though I thought it was the perfect beautiful lroamntic soulmate connection and he is the only perosn I ever get safe with. he is the opposite of my abusive father- the polar opposite. my father is Type A and my husband is basically Type Z if there could be such a thing. we never ever had row or even the small daily conflicts couples have but after the breakdwon I got os so so angry about os many things.

Me. It’s slow and covert and no one understands unless they’ve been through it. Other people that haven’t been through it wonder why you had their children or why you stay or they assume you’re weak. It’s so slow that you don’t notice, you think it’s just little things and it’s a long time before you piece them together. Mine is a covert narcissist. I’m 100% sure of it. If you can get out, do it.

@LucyLoo1972 I mean this with kindness but go the thread where you have posted about the terrible names your husband calls you. That is not a perfect soulmate. He may be different from your father but he’s still abusive. He’s abusive, OP, and that’s what my tough love friend would say. In fact, she did!
I am so sorry you are going through this but if you stay in this fantasy mindset then you will remain stuck.

He didnt call me bad names before the breakdown, he called me lovely things like cherub and chipmunk and little one. He calls me the bad names because once I saw how he had contributed and ignored my requests for change or help I got so angry I was hideous ot him. he had never heard me saying anything other Han words of adulation to him. in hs mind I am he abuser.

thank you. of course please dot worry!

well one thing I can do is write. this is only the tiniest part of my story. the rest of it is so bizarre its insane. I cant explain on here because of the sensitive nature of what happened in relation to real world events related to my thesis.

did you lose many years like I did?

I do have very good professional support. my mum also left me a half share on the hues she had in Italy. I cant bear ot go there at the moment becasue I loved being there with my husband and we were having the time of our lives right up until I got sick. I blame myself because I see nobody Ould have coped with the pressures I had.

I wonder if you needed a perfect life so hard in your mind,after your terrible childhood, that you created a powerful idea of it in your mind, so powerful that it completely covered up the abusive behaviour from your husband (such as not giving you the money to complete your thesis when you wanted to). You could not see it because you needed to believe that perfect life so very very much.

Then when reality broke through, the whole illusion collapsed and you were left at sea, soaking wet, clinging to a broken stick, all that remained of the huge fantasy cruise ship you had been sailing in.

No marriage is perfect, and it certainly doesn't sound as though yours was, however high you were on the stories you had built in your head.

OP you can let go of that fantasy , and accept the reality of yourself as a brave brave woman who fought so hard and with incredible strenght and determination to build the life she wanted, who has now painfully learned that the husband she leant on was not a great ally after all. You can then as pps suggested and have done for themselves, set realistic achievable goals for you, to achieve with the talent and determination you obviously have, but wih a clearer view learned through experience.

The fabulous life you really felt you had, was never actually real. Your breakdown was an inevitable result of that fantasy hitting cold hard reality.

Now you are in possession of that essential, precious information, you can make plans, take steps, based on the reality of what you genuinely have within yourself. Which is a lot.

♥️♥️♥️

@DierdreDaphne you are very wise!

OP, I've delurked just for this because I've read your threads before when they've popped up and I've actually had a similar experience (although not psychosis). I had a very long (many years) relationship with someone who I thought I had an amazing intellectual bond with, soulmates etc etc and he behaved in a very similar way to your husband - withholding money, letting the house deteriorate, my basic needs were all either too expensive or too much trouble, and refusing to take part in any kind of life admin so I had to do everything. He was also a hoarder. I don't think people who've not been through a relationship with someone like that understand quite how mad it sends you, because you're continually in a double bind where you have needs/ know things need to be done, but you're spinning your wheels because there's always someone there, obstructing you/ procrastinating/ telling you you don't need things which obviously you do. Also of course superficially they can be nice to you, which obfuscates what's really going on. So you end up in a loop, and eventually you kind of explode in whatever way.

DiedreDaphne is right - the way out of this is to really, really work on accepting the reality of where you are now. Craft a new narrative about yourself. Look at what you've survived! I've had to let go of everything I should have had and been (I was also very academic and he fucked that up for me, quite deliberately), and my new reality is brilliant, even though it's much less prestigious. The things I did that helped me recover and get out were writing, and also really thinking back to before I met him, what my interests were: and then being inspired by that and doing things that were just for me. At first they were tiny, tiny, secret things (I mean things as ridiculously small as going out for coffee on my own in secret) but it started the ball rolling. I really wish you well. I think you're in the coming to terms with it part, and it's very disconcerting when you start to realise about the abuse - it feels like everyone suddenly taking off their masks. I know it's not easy, but I think you can come back from this.

yes - I think this was a big thing. and there were part of my life that were like a fairytale. fro example, my mum lived in italy and we went there multiple times a year so we were literally in tuscan vineyards and Tuscan castles together. he got be amazingly sweet - snd we travelled a lot and had amazing trips together everywhere. so for some reason that is all I could see. he is a very handsome man and women called him Mr Darcy so that didnt help especially when I felt like a short fat pig in comparison and he never paid me a compliment. I see now I was actually lovely.

thank you kind friend and im sorry you went through something like this. I have started to do some small things to regain tiny bits of agency. He always said there was no room for big house plants so I took out a plant subscription. and got big plants. he never wanted mt to get my ears pierced or have my hair cut or wear creative clothes in vintage styles I like. we collected art together and for the first time I bought art by myself by female artists with meaning to me about women courage.

I had my ears done and bought earrings I always wanted, I had my hair cut to a bob, I bought lovely things. he never bought me a nice bunch of flowers (sometimes supermarket ones) so I did a short floristry course and I why beautiful wild flower bouquet every fortnight. I remember once we were at a fair and there was stand for a flower subscription but of course we never signed up becasue he has a thign against subsections becasue they are about commitment which he cant do. I feel stupid for not believing he loved me because he did marry me who I know must have been hard for him to do. I got myself out of toxic religious places.

what is crazy is that in my professional life I had incredibly agency and drive. off the charts drive even with the adhd symptoms I battles every day from my extensive CPTSD.

one of the problems for me is that my mind still plays a ot of tricks on me from the thigns I thought when I was delusional.

I wondered would it be possible to send you a message and ask you something? no worries if not.

I'm really sorry, I don't do private messages, but I really wish you well. I think that sounds like you're making great progress, even if it doesn't feel like it yet!

It sounds as though you may both have conspired subconsciously to be a perfect life, perfect couple. To do that though, you crushed any sign of difference, anything that didn’t fit the script. You were playing acting at life rather than being authentic people reasonable/unreasonable needs and all.

You may find it helpful to read about Cassandra syndrome. It’s controversial. But it explained so well where I was.

What has worked for me- though I too burnt out and have a chronic illness- was rebuilding my own life. Making myself happy regardless of him. Doing my own thing. I match his energy in many ways. I stopped trying to please him and let him manage his own emotions. That emotional independence has freed us both and we are happier. I no longer demand from him things he can’t offer which make him anxious and miserable.
We are house mates, basically, and get on pretty well. As a couple, I was very vulnerable.

thank you - I honestly cant seee much progress at all but I compare myself to the old me all the time who did so much. I cant believe I was so blind to actually lose my mind. and honestly I am so very very confused.

I will see if I can ask my question in public in a way that doesnt reveal my identity too much.

thank you - its exactly what we did.

I havent touched on barely anythign here but I was resobibel for keeping him emotionally stable eery single day. you would tihnk he was one the with extensive trauma and not me. he is aware he has issues.

but I could never say what I needed - even if that was a hug or a cuddle. often I would ask him thigns though and he would refuse ot out himself out.

I think this NEED to have a perfect life aftet a shitty childhood and crushing signs of difference, sweeping them.under the rug, explains things very well for me.

Sorry if i missed it OP, but how fresh is all this? They say it takes a month for every year you were together to get over someone. I'll never be 'over' the effect he's had on our DDs life, but i did stop romanticising after the correct amount of months, all the stockholm syndrome rubbed off and became anger!

we have been married 25 years. known each other and best friends for 30 years.

I feel crushed becasue we were so uniquely matched in some ways. I was incapable of ever challenging any thing. even insisting he make room for soem shelves for my own academic books

we lauded together every single day and he could be gentle and attentive. we could have had a very good life and in so many ways we did. we ravelled a lot and never rowed ever on our trips. I didnt need to try to make everything perfect but I didnt want all the good thigns to be taken away and now they have been.