43 Never had a girlfriend

[Healthymaybe]

Hi
I'm 43 years old. I've struggled my entire life with low self esteem, depression, PTSD, alcoholism, etc.

I'm now finally on disability (less than 1k per month).

I can't emotional handle working for a living. I've accepted that about myself.

I cannot trust myself to drive. Though I haven't had a drink in over eight year I will never trust myself to drive again. I don't want a car. I live in a town of around 10,000 people and ride my ebike everywhere.

I've desperately wanted a relationship my whole life, but I've never been able to because of all the problems with self esteem and so on.

I'm in therapy and I'm trying to develop self esteem and so on. I'm taking a new antidepressant that's helping me a lot. I'm going to support groups and trying my best to be positive, but that's all I can do.

Because I don't want a car and can't handle a job and have very little money and live in a small one bedroom (government housing) will I never be able to get into a good relationship with a woman I'm attracted to? Am I doomed?

No, of course not. The right person will value you, not what you have or haven't got. Keep doing what you're doing - working on yourself and on accepting yourself and gratitude for your health and increasing well-being. When you feel able, you can increase your engagement with others through a hobbie or group and perhaps you could meet someone that way.

Thank you so much. 😥

No, but ask yourself if you could provide emotional support to a woman that's in the same situation as you. If the answer is no, then you're not ready for a relationship, and instead you should concentrate more on male friendship. It could save you a lot of heartache.

Have a look at this for that -

https://menssheds.org.uk/

I'm pleased to hear that your new anti depressant is doing something, because it's not like that for everyone.

I second this. With the caveat that you should look to join groups/take up hobbies that interest you, or will somehow benefit you - not for the sole purpose of meeting someone.
Maybe do some volunteering: lots of places will happily have someone for just a few hours a week.
Look to do things that help you with self-esteem and confidence, primarily.

Stop thinking about what you want, and concentrate on what you can give: to your family, your friends, your community, the world.

That's attractive.

What @EarthSight said. Would you have the emotional resilience to be in a relationship with an alcoholic with PSTD, depression, chronically low self-esteem, and who can’t psychologically handle paid employment? It’s a lot to ask of someone.

You write as if it’s your lack of income, small flat and inability to drive that’s going to stop you finding love, but the fact is that you come as a total package. What positive stuff do you bring to a potential relationship? What would someone fall in love with in you?

Do you have friends?

ETA And I’m not suggesting there aren’t things someone would fall in love with in you, but rather than focusing on the things you think are preventing you having a relationship, focus on deepening the good stuff.

Okay yes. I'm volunteering at a hospital and a food bank. I go to a recreation center and shoot basketball everyday. I go to a group almost everyday.

I think I'm overly concerned with my situation right now because all that stuff has been closed for the holidays and I've been sitting here watching police bodycam videos by myself a lot for almost a week.

The only family I have is my mother and she lives about 1,000 miles away. I have been texting with her a lot though.

The stuff you’re doing is great. Don’t let the holidays mess up any progress- get out in the fresh air. Go for a walk.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who sits in and watches shit on the internet- would you??

😂
Thanks.
I don't know. As long we can take a break from that to kiss and snuggle I'll be fine. She can watch all the videos she wants.

I get what you mean though. Yeah I guess it would be more fun if she was active - out doing things and so forth.

Have you ever asked someone you like out for a coffee?
A coffee is a good non-committal first date which might lead to another “do you fancy doing this again “?
It takes courage to make the first step

Sure, but you’re seeing this as an established relationship where you’re lounging on the sofa together. The chances are that you wouldn’t meet this woman in the first place if she spent her life alone indoors watching police bodycam videos, because the initial meeting would never arise.

You don’t mention any friends, only ‘groups’ — do you have friends? Do you see people outside of these groups? I would worry that the only people you’re meeting are also vulnerable and struggling with addiction or depression, which might be a lot for a new relationship to handle.

I haven't. Sadly I've never been able to imagine actually having a good time doing that - dating. I don't really know why.

Truthfully I've just never been that functional of person. I tend to just isolate myself a lot.

'I can't emotional handle working for a living. I've accepted that about myself'

I would say, at only 43 this is quite concerning (I am 42 so similar stage in life). I wouldn't consider dating anyone that isn't working, how many hours do you volunteer? You could work for those hours. Many places take people on for 16 hrs a week or less.

I would be massively concerned that I would have to pay for anything and everything beyond the very basics (especially if you are on less than 1K pm) every cinema trip, meal out, little holiday etc or do you not plan to do anything like that as a couple?

The inability to drive is also off putting (I have been with my none driving husband for 22 years so believe me I know!). The pressure on the driver is ridiculous at some points....every UK holiday we've been on I drive, no sharing no matter how far!

The alcoholism speaks for itself, would your partner be able to have a couple of drinks out with friends etc or would that trigger you?

Before you start dating you need to decide what you bring to the table, what can you offer someone?

Are you in the UK op?

You're right. So that's kind of where I'm emotionally stuck. When I think of having friends, hanging out with people outside of groups, going to restaurants, going to see movies together I get angry - bitter.

An established relationship. That's what I want. I just see the pre-steps of what has to go on before that as something that I could never do.

I'm working on it though. I've got a lot of new things to discuss now with my therapist because of this thread.

No. U.S.

Nobody can tell you the answer Op. Love isn’t a formula with a right answer at the end. I know gorgeous, successful, rich, kind, funny people who are still single and never found love because the right person/time/scenario didn’t happen.

You can’t afford try. It might work for you it might not. Depends on if you find Mrs Right.

I'm on government disability for depression and PTSD.

I am truly unable to handle the stress of working for a living or I would, so there isn't really anything I can do about that right now.

I've had two DUIs. I've decided that no matter how long I stay sober or how sure I am that I'll never drink again it's not worth the risk. I'm not going to put other people's lives in jeopardy.

I'm just starting out with the volunteering. It's all new to me. I'm going through training at the hospital slowly. Like a few hours a week so far. At the food bank I've only been there twice for like 30 minutes each time. I'm going slowly. Handling things the best I can.

I'm getting such awesome insight here. Thank you all so much.

Then you need to work on becoming a ‘functional’ person before looking for a relationship. Relationships of the romantic/ sexual kind aren’t in a separate existential category to any other relationships. If you haven’t wanted or haven’t been able to handle the emotional demands and give and take of friendships, I don’t think you’re yet in the right headspace to even think about a relationship. Practice first.

Well there are plenty of women who don't work due to similar illnesses. And some of them might have quite a few things in common with you. As well as people who do work.

Many people don't judge others on their career. Its about being friendly, honest, interested in other people's views, open to new things, anti prejudice/injustice, kindness and confidence.

Why not join support networks or groups for PTSD and anxiety? Or meet people through hobbies.

But don't leap to thinking of romance. It's more important to meet people of both sexes and feel confident to make friendships before you need to try and get a partner.

You don't have to explain to anyone why you are volunteering and cannot work op, the difference in the two around expectations is sometimes missed.

I respect your choice about choosing not to drive, that is respectable but also I find in America the culture of driving is so huge it can work against you much more than in the UK I would say, I would look at environmentally friendly groups that may have members who also choose not to drive or find it non essential in a partner.

I don’t want to kick anyone when they’re down, far from it. I also don’t want to patronise you by spinning a line about how the right person will love you for you.

For me, the lack of employment coupled with this “I can’t handle working and I’ve accepted that” would be hugely unattractive and a dealbreaker for me. What, so, either I accept a low standard of living or I pay for you? That’s what I’d be thinking.

Not being able to drive, the alcoholism, the mental health issues. It’s a lot to expect someone to take on. Then there’s the DUI convictions.

I’d run, and I’d advise any friends of mine to do the same. That’s based on purely the info you’ve given here; surface level. I’m not sure anyone would look past all of the above to find out the good parts of you, if that makes sense.

I think you’d do well to work on you first and foremost. Good luck! I don’t mean to offend or upset you, I’m just trying to be honest and realistic.