Page 2 | 43 Never had a girlfriend

ManyPigeons · 28/12/2025 15:26

That’s meant to say ‘you can only try’ not ‘you can’t afford try’ sorry.

SwanNecked · 28/12/2025 15:26

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:05

You're right. So that's kind of where I'm emotionally stuck. When I think of having friends, hanging out with people outside of groups, going to restaurants, going to see movies together I get angry - bitter.

An established relationship. That's what I want. I just see the pre-steps of what has to go on before that as something that I could never do.

I'm working on it though. I've got a lot of new things to discuss now with my therapist because of this thread.

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Why is your response anger and bitterness to the idea of having friends or going to restaurants and films?

No friendships or relationships start by being ‘established’. You have to start by putting yourself out there — being pleasant and open to people you like, asking if someone wants to have a coffee after volunteering/group, asking if you can tag along if other people are planning something you think you might enjoy. You’ll be getting out of your comfort zone for sure, but it’s a necessary step on the way to being socially ‘functional’.

Tinseltoe · 28/12/2025 15:29

@Healthymaybe Is it possible you may be neurodivergent? I do think it's harder for men with Autism and or ADHD to get into a romantic relationship. Also, alcoholism and addictive/reckless/impulsive behaviours are common with Au/ADHD.

Some of what you've mentioned points to issues with executive functioning, emotional dysregulation and processing disorder. Have you looked into this with your GP? You can self refer through the Right to Choose Pathway.

Luckyingame · 28/12/2025 15:32

JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells · 28/12/2025 15:03

'I can't emotional handle working for a living. I've accepted that about myself'

I would say, at only 43 this is quite concerning (I am 42 so similar stage in life). I wouldn't consider dating anyone that isn't working, how many hours do you volunteer? You could work for those hours. Many places take people on for 16 hrs a week or less.

I would be massively concerned that I would have to pay for anything and everything beyond the very basics (especially if you are on less than 1K pm) every cinema trip, meal out, little holiday etc or do you not plan to do anything like that as a couple?

The inability to drive is also off putting (I have been with my none driving husband for 22 years so believe me I know!). The pressure on the driver is ridiculous at some points....every UK holiday we've been on I drive, no sharing no matter how far!

The alcoholism speaks for itself, would your partner be able to have a couple of drinks out with friends etc or would that trigger you?

Before you start dating you need to decide what you bring to the table, what can you offer someone?

Yes. Without doubt.

Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:43

Kibble19 · 28/12/2025 15:25

I don’t want to kick anyone when they’re down, far from it. I also don’t want to patronise you by spinning a line about how the right person will love you for you.

For me, the lack of employment coupled with this “I can’t handle working and I’ve accepted that” would be hugely unattractive and a dealbreaker for me. What, so, either I accept a low standard of living or I pay for you? That’s what I’d be thinking.

Not being able to drive, the alcoholism, the mental health issues. It’s a lot to expect someone to take on. Then there’s the DUI convictions.

I’d run, and I’d advise any friends of mine to do the same. That’s based on purely the info you’ve given here; surface level. I’m not sure anyone would look past all of the above to find out the good parts of you, if that makes sense.

I think you’d do well to work on you first and foremost. Good luck! I don’t mean to offend or upset you, I’m just trying to be honest and realistic.

I'm it would have to be a low standard of living.

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Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:46

Kibble19 · 28/12/2025 15:25

I don’t want to kick anyone when they’re down, far from it. I also don’t want to patronise you by spinning a line about how the right person will love you for you.

For me, the lack of employment coupled with this “I can’t handle working and I’ve accepted that” would be hugely unattractive and a dealbreaker for me. What, so, either I accept a low standard of living or I pay for you? That’s what I’d be thinking.

Not being able to drive, the alcoholism, the mental health issues. It’s a lot to expect someone to take on. Then there’s the DUI convictions.

I’d run, and I’d advise any friends of mine to do the same. That’s based on purely the info you’ve given here; surface level. I’m not sure anyone would look past all of the above to find out the good parts of you, if that makes sense.

I think you’d do well to work on you first and foremost. Good luck! I don’t mean to offend or upset you, I’m just trying to be honest and realistic.

I really wouldn't be comfortable at all having a partner who drives me around and pays for me to do stuff. I'm gonna continue to ride my ebike. As far as my income I really have no control over that.

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Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:47

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:43

I'm it would have to be a low standard of living.

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I meant to say "I'm afraid it would have to be..."

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Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:51

Tinseltoe · 28/12/2025 15:29

@Healthymaybe Is it possible you may be neurodivergent? I do think it's harder for men with Autism and or ADHD to get into a romantic relationship. Also, alcoholism and addictive/reckless/impulsive behaviours are common with Au/ADHD.

Some of what you've mentioned points to issues with executive functioning, emotional dysregulation and processing disorder. Have you looked into this with your GP? You can self refer through the Right to Choose Pathway.

Thanks for the question. My problems stem more from some very bad childhood abuse (which I won't go into), growing up in a neglectful broken home with no father figure, and so on.

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Luckyingame · 28/12/2025 15:52

Sorry, OP.
Realistically, though, I'd struggle to see what you would be putting into the relationship you so desperately want.
You cannot emotionally handle working, you cannot drive, according to what you put in, it would be a low standard of living.
The alcohol dependency, yes, I have an addictive personality, too. (Bad childhood? I had one).
I wouldn't ever consider this, in my twenties or now, in my forties and rather firmly remain living on my own.
Edited - sorry, I just saw the bad childhood written by yourself.
Life is tough.

Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:53

SwanNecked · 28/12/2025 15:26

Why is your response anger and bitterness to the idea of having friends or going to restaurants and films?

No friendships or relationships start by being ‘established’. You have to start by putting yourself out there — being pleasant and open to people you like, asking if someone wants to have a coffee after volunteering/group, asking if you can tag along if other people are planning something you think you might enjoy. You’ll be getting out of your comfort zone for sure, but it’s a necessary step on the way to being socially ‘functional’.

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It's from a very long history of being taught to always shield my emotions by not getting close to anyone (my parents hurt me). Bitterness over abuse. Things like that

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Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:56

Luckyingame · 28/12/2025 15:52

Sorry, OP.
Realistically, though, I'd struggle to see what you would be putting into the relationship you so desperately want.
You cannot emotionally handle working, you cannot drive, according to what you put in, it would be a low standard of living.
The alcohol dependency, yes, I have an addictive personality, too. (Bad childhood? I had one).
I wouldn't ever consider this, in my twenties or now, in my forties and rather firmly remain living on my own.
Edited - sorry, I just saw the bad childhood written by yourself.
Life is tough.

Edited

You wouldn't consider what in your 20s or 40s? You said you wouldn't consider "this".

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cakedup · 28/12/2025 15:56

You are already taking the right steps towards increasing the chance of being in a relationship as you are clearly working on yourself. Although some worthy advice has been given already, i just wanted to give you perhaps an alternative perspective. Humans and relationships are far too complex to boil down to a set of practicalities.

Fwiw I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life but met the love of my life when I was 50. And on paper, he might not have been my perfect partner but you can't always use logic and rationale. I didnt think or plan to meet anyone at that age, but thats life! There is more to you than being unemployed etc. Your life experiences/situation could work for you i.e you might be less inclined to take a relationship for granted.

Just remind yourself that relationships often take a lot of work and compromise - remind yourself of that when you see what might seem like idyllic couples walking around. Just read the relationships board for how often people are let down, hurt, disappointed etc. No putting you off but you probably have a bit of grass is greener syndrome - which is normal.

Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 16:01

cakedup · 28/12/2025 15:56

You are already taking the right steps towards increasing the chance of being in a relationship as you are clearly working on yourself. Although some worthy advice has been given already, i just wanted to give you perhaps an alternative perspective. Humans and relationships are far too complex to boil down to a set of practicalities.

Fwiw I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life but met the love of my life when I was 50. And on paper, he might not have been my perfect partner but you can't always use logic and rationale. I didnt think or plan to meet anyone at that age, but thats life! There is more to you than being unemployed etc. Your life experiences/situation could work for you i.e you might be less inclined to take a relationship for granted.

Just remind yourself that relationships often take a lot of work and compromise - remind yourself of that when you see what might seem like idyllic couples walking around. Just read the relationships board for how often people are let down, hurt, disappointed etc. No putting you off but you probably have a bit of grass is greener syndrome - which is normal.

k thanks.

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taxguru · 28/12/2025 16:04

Realistically, you're not going to have a romantic relationship if you can't cope with normal "friendships". I think you have to do whatever necessary to make normal friends first and be able to live a more normal life involving friends and other people. You need to be able to offer "something" to potential romantic partners - very few will be willing to take on a "project" which is what you sound to be at the moment.

I think you need to ramp up the voluntary work and also do more group activities such as clubs, societies and sports etc where you will meet new people. I don't mean to meet new people with a view to romance at this stage, but just to build social confidence, friendships, etc.

You're not going to meet someone if you don't get "out there". Likewise, I'd suggest potential romantic partners suitable for you will likewise be introverted and maybe socially struggling so you'll both be "hiding" in your homes watching crap on the internet so will never meet.

I meet my DH through voluntary work - not something that was only 30 minutes - it was "proper" work involving full shifts. Neither of us had ever gone on a "date", but we just gel-led together after several working shifts and that turned first into friendship and then into romance the year later. A very slow burn, but we're both introverted and struggle socially so neither of us would have asked anyone for a date nor accepted being asked for a date as we just couldn't do it!

AcquadiP · 28/12/2025 16:04

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 13:48

Hi
I'm 43 years old. I've struggled my entire life with low self esteem, depression, PTSD, alcoholism, etc.

I'm now finally on disability (less than 1k per month).

I can't emotional handle working for a living. I've accepted that about myself.

I cannot trust myself to drive. Though I haven't had a drink in over eight year I will never trust myself to drive again. I don't want a car. I live in a town of around 10,000 people and ride my ebike everywhere.

I've desperately wanted a relationship my whole life, but I've never been able to because of all the problems with self esteem and so on.

I'm in therapy and I'm trying to develop self esteem and so on. I'm taking a new antidepressant that's helping me a lot. I'm going to support groups and trying my best to be positive, but that's all I can do.

Because I don't want a car and can't handle a job and have very little money and live in a small one bedroom (government housing) will I never be able to get into a good relationship with a woman I'm attracted to? Am I doomed?

No, you're not doomed!

Congratulations on your sobriety, that alone shows strength of character and determination and you should be very proud of yourself.

I can honestly say I've never met a guy and my first thoughts have been ' does he drive and how big is his house?!' Lots of people use public transport or get taxis. And you're living within your means which is always a good thing. No woman wants to be with a guy who has lots of debt because he's living a lifestyle he can't afford.

I think you're underselling yourself.

"I was an alcoholic at one stage in my life but I haven't touched a drop in 8 years, nor do I intend to." Tick.

"I live on disability benefits, which isn't a great deal, so I have a small, one bedroom place but I keep it clean and tidy and as homely as possible." Tick.

"I have MH issues, including PTSD, but I'm on medication which has really helped and I attend support groups which I also find beneficial." Tick.

You have problems - who doesn't - but what's crystal clear from your post is you've sought help for them and that's an admirable quality.

Honestly, pick your self-esteem out of the gutter, dust it off and reframe your position. You have a lot more going for you than you seem to think.

Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 16:20

AcquadiP · 28/12/2025 16:04

No, you're not doomed!

Congratulations on your sobriety, that alone shows strength of character and determination and you should be very proud of yourself.

I can honestly say I've never met a guy and my first thoughts have been ' does he drive and how big is his house?!' Lots of people use public transport or get taxis. And you're living within your means which is always a good thing. No woman wants to be with a guy who has lots of debt because he's living a lifestyle he can't afford.

I think you're underselling yourself.

"I was an alcoholic at one stage in my life but I haven't touched a drop in 8 years, nor do I intend to." Tick.

"I live on disability benefits, which isn't a great deal, so I have a small, one bedroom place but I keep it clean and tidy and as homely as possible." Tick.

"I have MH issues, including PTSD, but I'm on medication which has really helped and I attend support groups which I also find beneficial." Tick.

You have problems - who doesn't - but what's crystal clear from your post is you've sought help for them and that's an admirable quality.

Honestly, pick your self-esteem out of the gutter, dust it off and reframe your position. You have a lot more going for you than you seem to think.

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Thanks.

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Boomer55 · 28/12/2025 16:34

The government are looking at supporting people with your problems into work, as medics say it will help.

So, things may improve. Good luck. 👍

NowStartingOver · 28/12/2025 16:42

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SwanNecked · 28/12/2025 16:43

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 15:53

It's from a very long history of being taught to always shield my emotions by not getting close to anyone (my parents hurt me). Bitterness over abuse. Things like that

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Well, snap. I grew up in a neglected, impoverished home and was sexually abused in childhood. I spent a lot of my adult life unpicking unhelpful childhood scripts and trying to figure out how to live. I’m far from finished now, in my 50s. It’s very unfortunate what happened to me in childhood, but ultimately I’m responsible for dealing with it. No one else can rescue me. The rest of the world isn’t responsible for what happened in my upbringing. That may sound harsh, but it’s the best advice I can give. We only get one life, and we don’t always get the start we deserve — so we need to work to recover and not let it ruin any more of our lives.

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 16:55

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Original poster

Healthymaybe · 28/12/2025 16:56

SwanNecked · 28/12/2025 16:43

Well, snap. I grew up in a neglected, impoverished home and was sexually abused in childhood. I spent a lot of my adult life unpicking unhelpful childhood scripts and trying to figure out how to live. I’m far from finished now, in my 50s. It’s very unfortunate what happened to me in childhood, but ultimately I’m responsible for dealing with it. No one else can rescue me. The rest of the world isn’t responsible for what happened in my upbringing. That may sound harsh, but it’s the best advice I can give. We only get one life, and we don’t always get the start we deserve — so we need to work to recover and not let it ruin any more of our lives.

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Yes.

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