23 year marriage over

[TwinklyPrincess]

I don’t know where to begin. 29 years together, kids 21 and 19. Husband wants out as he’s been hurt repeatedly by me (bear with this) and has been diagnosed with chronic stress ie me. He works completely from home.

im quite an unwell person, one thing after another for years but one that stops me working properly. I’ve always had part time and ad hoc jobs when I can. This put a lot of pressure on hubby as sole earner which I get.

I put EVERYTHING into bringing my kids up to be the best they could be. Apparently too much as hubby felt left out and neglected. I just always thought it was kids time and our time would return when they went to uni.

that was Sept this year. I struggled with both being away. But hubby has totally changed. Not only does he want out, he’s been researching relationships online and really being mean to me when I’m upset about us breaking up. It’s not what I want at all.

we knew we had to get through Christmas and I started to have panic attacks and was put on diazepam to get me through. I just feel so sick. He’s not behaving like the man I knew.

We got a therapist but he thinks it’s all on me for neglecting him but I feel that alone is something we could work through. There’s probably stuff I need to deal with myself like resentment towards my illnesses but I don’t see any of this as breaking up stuff.

but the longer this goes on the more I’m feeling he’s got himself on a pedestal and is just trying to belittle me. Like as if I’d not me upset when the person I thought I was with forever wants out. Telling me to get a grip isn’t helpful.

Maybe I’m the stupid one trying to save something he’s already checked out of.

we have a business together, home etc. I honestly don’t know where to even start. But I know I have to start working it out to get plans in place. I’m in Scotland if that matters to laws or anything.

i don’t think I know anyone who uses here but if you think you recognise this, don’t reply just contact me directly.

otherwise, any advice? I know I’m spoiling holidays for my kids but I’m just so sad ☹️

I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice but didn’t want to read without saying, you’re not alone. Many have been and are in your position. You will be ok. Hopefully someone will be along with some good advice soon.
it sounds like he has checked out and is trying to push the blame all on to you, which is very unfair. Don’t be mislead.

Honestly? It sounds like he’s got his eye on someone else and is giving you The Script.

Im sorry - he’s a shit. And if it’s your therapist who telling you it’s all your fault too he/she is terrible and you shouldn’t see them again.

He never leaves the house so a physical affair isn’t a concern. Online I guess is possible

no no the therapist didn’t say its all on me, just him!! .

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

have a look, see if it rings any bells

I’ve reread my post and realise how jumbled it all is and why it sounded like the therapist thought it was all my fault.

all very telling of how my brain is right now. Jumbled

sorry, hope you can make sense of it. Might sort and repost tomorrow to make more sense

Intrigued what your second reply said that’s been hidden!

I think it’s because I shared a link to The Script, Google the script cheating and see what you think. It might not ring any alarm bells or it might be useful?

Of course your brain is jumbled, it’s going to be at the moment. But even just writing your thoughts down here will help you unravel them

I have no idea what your marriage has been like, of course. But you do admit that you thought it would be your time as a couple after the children had gone to uni, and before that, it was the children's time. So it sounds like you have spent years neglecting your relationship, is that right? If so, you have a wide bridge to cross with your husband if you want to save your marriage, and it might be too late. Longterm neglect of your bond kills it.

Why would that be deleted? Weird!

Yes do google the Script OP - you’ll recognise it I’m sure!

I see OP, well of course he’s going to make it all your fault - it’s what they do to assuage their guilt isn’t and convince themselves they’re not a shit person for leaving their wife and kids! Whatever the situation he should at least have some honesty with you and admit his part - he could at least be kind. But so many men seem to have to completely annihilate the relationship and perform revisionist history in order to convince themselves to actually do it.

Be kind to yourself love bc if he really had checked out, and it sounds like he has, you will need all your strength and courage to deal with the practicalities. Get Christmas out of the way and then see a solicitor and get an understanding of your rights. Im
not in Scotland but in England it’s pretty much things are split 50/50 - however in your case with your illnesses you may find you’re entitled to more. Go on the divorce/separation board for better advice of legalities etc - there are lots of very kind women on there who have been through this and worse and will give you excellent advice.

💐

Sort of though his use of the word neglecting is extreme IMO. We’ve had so much fun over the years as a family, lots of happy times. We had no support network so didn’t really have date nights as such. In more recent years we would have days out without the kids when they could stay home. We had fun. He’s always been jealous of the relationships I have with the kids and felt left out. I tried so hard to ensure he was included so he didn’t feel that way

Thank you so so much for taking the time to reply to me and for the advice about the other board. I appreciate it as I just feel lost

Any man who is jealous of his wife’s relationship with his kids is an absolute narcissistic arsehole imo. It’s funny as what your dh is doing is exactly what my bf’s dh did when he wanted to leave her (for another, younger woman he was shagging on the side it turned out). He made it all her fault. She hadn’t supported him enough through his depression, she had put on weight and let herself go, she favoured the children. He too was jealous of his kids and when stories came out after they’d split of some of the things he’d done we (her friends and family) were all appalled.

He was a textbook narcissist. Have a look into that too Op, just in case it resonates. Nothing is ever their fault and they have to be the centre of their families world at all times otherwise the dummy is spat out.

I’ve a feeling if the divorce happens you’ll find a few years down the line you’ll look back and see a lot of stuff you don’t see at the moment and that this man really isn’t that wonderful.

I have 4 dc’s with my dh and he’s never in 25 years made me feel that I shouldn’t put them before him. A good father and a decent man would absolutely want that for his children and be proud of his wife for being such a good mum.

You sound like my sister.
She has just been diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect autism is at play too.
She honestly did her best but her husband lived on scraps. They are separating at her request, it has exhausted her juggling all the responsibilities. To be a great mom she is at he capacity.

It’s ok not to be all things to all people, start with yourself first and then the kids xx

I'm sorry. 💐 It all sounds very hard. I suppose all you can do is listen to his complaints and try to decide if you feel they're reasonable on the whole, or not.

This is almost identical to what ended my relationship with the father of my kids 7 years ago. I was a SAHM with our two kids and my ex really tried to maintain what we had before kids. I didn't see it at the time, but I was hugely difficult to live with. I am getting checked for ADHD now, but I have struggled to cope with all that motherhood chucks at you. I went through a few moments with ill health and my ex turned. He started bullying me, which was a COMPLETE change of character. He saw me as neurotic and lost respect for me. Finally, he told me he wanted to leave. No OW or anything like that. He was just sick of me and too much had happened to bridge the gap. I have to admit, I wasn't the best person to be around and I see that now.

7 years on, he doesn’t have a partner and lives on his own. I've moved on and am now with someone else. It was hard to get through and I came on here to find others had been through the same. I got support from here and started to feel better over time. You will feel sad and you and your partner may end up together in future, but you may need to have time apart in order for this to happen. Small steps.

You are all so lovely. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply to me

He never leaves the house? You will only realise how unhealthy that it when hes gone and you meet someone normal.

Live in a way that is happiest for you and the kids. It is the most you can manage.

Your children have flown the nest so they will naturally take up less time and energy. Rekindle your own needs.

If there is anything spare left for the husband then he should be able to meet you at least half way.
Tell him that you do have more time available and that he is welcome to woo you and to plan lovely outings together but any name calling and mistreatment is completely out of line.

I suspect that you will separate unless DH can cheer himself up.

I'm in a very similar position, OP.

Husband of over 2 decades. Teenage children. He left a few weeks before Christmas. We all have whiplash. He actually had been having an affair for years, but he reckons that was a symptom of his envy of my relationship with the children. He said he felt sidelined at home. Cry me a river - did he consider making an effort to be more useful at home, or did he just jump straight to adultery and financial deception, hmm?

I thought we were happy. We had a kind and gentle life and a happy home. He was my best friend. I loved him. He left me. It was brutal. Humiliating.
But, do I want him back? Fuck no. His actions have crushed everything to dust. There is no possible future where I forgive what he did or take him back (not that he's asking - ha!). The only way is onwards without him. It's really hard. I'm devastated. But my chin is high and my eyes are on the horizon. I'll get there, and I'm better off without him.

Do you mean that literally, he never leaves the house? You've said you do family days out and such, but has he no real-world life of his own? No friends, no hobbies, work meetings or conferences, no popping into the local, no exercise outside the house?

If this is true, you must be his only adult human contact. It wouldn't be surprising he felt dissatisfied: no-one can be another person's everything, even without children to think of. It's really unhealthy to try - if this is what you have been doing, trying to revolve around him, playing all the roles, it would go a long way to explain the emotional strain you've been experiencing.

Assuming he fills some of the gaps with online communications, it's certainly possible he's fallen for someone on the Web. Real, fake or pure digital; it doesn't matter - he's following the extremely well-worn pattern of a partner who's already left, emotionally and mentally, and is in the process of burnishing his self-image by demonising yours.

I'm sorry: it's bewildering when this happens. Because it makes no sense, you can tie yourself in knots trying to reason and bargain with it. Because it makes no sense, the only way to keep your equilibrium is to accept that he's now on a different pathway and has chosen not to share his individual plan with you. It's rotten behaviour. Focus not on him and his ravings, but on yourself and the future you're now building for yourself. Surround yourself with friends and friendly people, get yourself a therapist (not a relationship counsellor) if you can afford to, engage a solicitor, get a new hairstyle, consider taking the DC on holiday.

Here are the links you asked for.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

https://www.chumplady.com/do-cheaters-all-work-from-the-same-script/

Personally, I think your husband sounds like a bit of a man baby. Kids do come first when they are younger, and with additional health complications, I’m sure you’ve done the best you can. I have health conditions and a disabled son, I work, but life is extremely tough for us both. I’d hit the roof if my husband threw this all back in my face when my son is a young adult. We are navigating life as best as we can.

If he felt so neglected, why has he waited so many years to raise this as an issue? Any reason why he couldn’t have more proactively found a babysitter and booked out time for you both?

Given how negative and checked out he seems, it wouldn’t surprise me if there is an OW online, or he’s been licking his wounds by using dating apps. If so, you are well shot of him.

Given the situation, I will quote the old MN adage of ‘get your ducks in a row!’ You need to see a solicitor for advice and start gathering financial documents now. You need as much evidence as you can to proof his actual take home earnings as self employed, what savings, pensions, investments he may have.

Take care and look after yourself.

This is sometimes what staying together for the kids looks like. Now they’re adults he’s had enough of not being happy and he wants out. I’d try and focus on practicalities and see a lawyer with as much info as possible.

OP, he is blaming you for neglecting him during your kids childhood years, in a mans world that usually means lack of sex so it's that the case?
I would guess he been biding his time and that as others have suggested he's started on 'the script ' which is his reason for leaving but really it's most likely that his head has been turned.
If he genuinely never leaves the house then it may be an online emotional relationship, ( often built on fantasy) but cheating none the less.
I'd be quietly looking for evidence before you bend over backwards trying to persuade him to stay.

@Sighohbarn sorry to hear what you're going through, you sound really strong x