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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

23 year marriage over

36 replies

TwinklyPrincess · 28/12/2025 00:54

I don’t know where to begin. 29 years together, kids 21 and 19. Husband wants out as he’s been hurt repeatedly by me (bear with this) and has been diagnosed with chronic stress ie me. He works completely from home.

im quite an unwell person, one thing after another for years but one that stops me working properly. I’ve always had part time and ad hoc jobs when I can. This put a lot of pressure on hubby as sole earner which I get.

I put EVERYTHING into bringing my kids up to be the best they could be. Apparently too much as hubby felt left out and neglected. I just always thought it was kids time and our time would return when they went to uni.

that was Sept this year. I struggled with both being away. But hubby has totally changed. Not only does he want out, he’s been researching relationships online and really being mean to me when I’m upset about us breaking up. It’s not what I want at all.

we knew we had to get through Christmas and I started to have panic attacks and was put on diazepam to get me through. I just feel so sick. He’s not behaving like the man I knew.

We got a therapist but he thinks it’s all on me for neglecting him but I feel that alone is something we could work through. There’s probably stuff I need to deal with myself like resentment towards my illnesses but I don’t see any of this as breaking up stuff.

but the longer this goes on the more I’m feeling he’s got himself on a pedestal and is just trying to belittle me. Like as if I’d not me upset when the person I thought I was with forever wants out. Telling me to get a grip isn’t helpful.

Maybe I’m the stupid one trying to save something he’s already checked out of.

we have a business together, home etc. I honestly don’t know where to even start. But I know I have to start working it out to get plans in place. I’m in Scotland if that matters to laws or anything.

i don’t think I know anyone who uses here but if you think you recognise this, don’t reply just contact me directly.

otherwise, any advice? I know I’m spoiling holidays for my kids but I’m just so sad ☹️

OP posts:
Notmyreality · 28/12/2025 11:04

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 01:03

Honestly? It sounds like he’s got his eye on someone else and is giving you The Script.

Im sorry - he’s a shit. And if it’s your therapist who telling you it’s all your fault too he/she is terrible and you shouldn’t see them again.

No, it doesn’t. OP openly admits she neglecting the marriage to focus on the kids. Sounds like he has many valid reasons.

Original poster
TwinklyPrincess · 28/12/2025 18:06

yoshiblue · 28/12/2025 10:00

Personally, I think your husband sounds like a bit of a man baby. Kids do come first when they are younger, and with additional health complications, I’m sure you’ve done the best you can. I have health conditions and a disabled son, I work, but life is extremely tough for us both. I’d hit the roof if my husband threw this all back in my face when my son is a young adult. We are navigating life as best as we can.

If he felt so neglected, why has he waited so many years to raise this as an issue? Any reason why he couldn’t have more proactively found a babysitter and booked out time for you both?

Given how negative and checked out he seems, it wouldn’t surprise me if there is an OW online, or he’s been licking his wounds by using dating apps. If so, you are well shot of him.

Given the situation, I will quote the old MN adage of ‘get your ducks in a row!’ You need to see a solicitor for advice and start gathering financial documents now. You need as much evidence as you can to proof his actual take home earnings as self employed, what savings, pensions, investments he may have.

Take care and look after yourself.

I thought we too were navigating as best we could at the time, I thought we were happy. I was.

as to why he didn’t tell me, I’ve no idea. He’s collected it all up till the kids have left home and given me it all at once. But by now he’s gathered so much resentment towards me along with it.

I feel like I’m only just existing just now, I want to enjoy my babies being home from uni, but my head is just all over the place.

thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinklyPrincess · 28/12/2025 18:12

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 01:49

Any man who is jealous of his wife’s relationship with his kids is an absolute narcissistic arsehole imo. It’s funny as what your dh is doing is exactly what my bf’s dh did when he wanted to leave her (for another, younger woman he was shagging on the side it turned out). He made it all her fault. She hadn’t supported him enough through his depression, she had put on weight and let herself go, she favoured the children. He too was jealous of his kids and when stories came out after they’d split of some of the things he’d done we (her friends and family) were all appalled.

He was a textbook narcissist. Have a look into that too Op, just in case it resonates. Nothing is ever their fault and they have to be the centre of their families world at all times otherwise the dummy is spat out.

I’ve a feeling if the divorce happens you’ll find a few years down the line you’ll look back and see a lot of stuff you don’t see at the moment and that this man really isn’t that wonderful.

I have 4 dc’s with my dh and he’s never in 25 years made me feel that I shouldn’t put them before him. A good father and a decent man would absolutely want that for his children and be proud of his wife for being such a good mum.

Show quote history

I agree with what you’re saying, I can’t get my head round being jealous of your own kids and left out.

off to do some reading on your suggestions. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinklyPrincess · 28/12/2025 18:27

AbbotSade1985 · 28/12/2025 02:02

This is almost identical to what ended my relationship with the father of my kids 7 years ago. I was a SAHM with our two kids and my ex really tried to maintain what we had before kids. I didn't see it at the time, but I was hugely difficult to live with. I am getting checked for ADHD now, but I have struggled to cope with all that motherhood chucks at you. I went through a few moments with ill health and my ex turned. He started bullying me, which was a COMPLETE change of character. He saw me as neurotic and lost respect for me. Finally, he told me he wanted to leave. No OW or anything like that. He was just sick of me and too much had happened to bridge the gap. I have to admit, I wasn't the best person to be around and I see that now.

7 years on, he doesn’t have a partner and lives on his own. I've moved on and am now with someone else. It was hard to get through and I came on here to find others had been through the same. I got support from here and started to feel better over time. You will feel sad and you and your partner may end up together in future, but you may need to have time apart in order for this to happen. Small steps.

Yes, I think he wanted to have kids but keep our relationship too. Though hindsight is wonderful.

I feel like I’m currently being bullied, belittled and just generally made to feel stupid for not noticing anything. He’s saying horrible things that’s just not like him at all.

he hates that I have friends and he doesn’t. But that’s because he chooses not to.

people asking if he really doesn’t go out - he’ll walk the dogs, nip to shop or whatever but no, other than that he’s in. Works 100% from home (obviously online meetings) and has no social life. To be fair I’d be going stir crazy if that was me so I’ve encouraged him over the years to do things but he’s not interested.

he’s obsessed with money and housework - house is immaculate but he’s always complaining something needs done and I can’t see it.

the more successful he has become in his business, the more he has put himself on a pedestal and looked down on me and commented daily on me not earning due to illness.

im so unsure where I would stand financially if we split. Its so scary. And I dont even know if I can afford to see a solicitor for advice.

OP posts:
AbbotSade1985 · 28/12/2025 18:42

TwinklyPrincess · 28/12/2025 18:27

Yes, I think he wanted to have kids but keep our relationship too. Though hindsight is wonderful.

I feel like I’m currently being bullied, belittled and just generally made to feel stupid for not noticing anything. He’s saying horrible things that’s just not like him at all.

he hates that I have friends and he doesn’t. But that’s because he chooses not to.

people asking if he really doesn’t go out - he’ll walk the dogs, nip to shop or whatever but no, other than that he’s in. Works 100% from home (obviously online meetings) and has no social life. To be fair I’d be going stir crazy if that was me so I’ve encouraged him over the years to do things but he’s not interested.

he’s obsessed with money and housework - house is immaculate but he’s always complaining something needs done and I can’t see it.

the more successful he has become in his business, the more he has put himself on a pedestal and looked down on me and commented daily on me not earning due to illness.

im so unsure where I would stand financially if we split. Its so scary. And I dont even know if I can afford to see a solicitor for advice.

Show quote history

Honestly, I went through the same! My ex became verbally abusive as he climbed the ranks where he worked. To him, I was the useless piece of crap at home, stopping him from living his life. He wanted to keep up with the Jones' by eating expensive food, buying expensive gadgets, going to expensive restaurants and he lectured me non stop about recycling and other things he became obsessed with. He also became like this with his own family. He alienated himself and stopped responding to his friends. He would also moan about everything. The area, repairs, the neighbours.

I firmly believe it was a midlife crisis. He just hated his life with me and felt he deserved more. He now lives in a lovely house, kitted out with gadgets and decorated in the way he wanted.

I clung on, hoping things would get better, but he hated me and still does, although it has got marginally better.

Financially, if you're married, you should be fairly stable. I wasn't married and I ended up buying him out of the house. It was stressful, but it really is about the small steps. I pined for the life we had together before kids, but as you say, hindsight is wonderful and part of life is to grow, understand mistakes were made, but to live on and stop beating yourself up about it all. If you're meant to be together, you will. There's no rush.

I spent years berating myself about it all, but the guy was just unhappy and there was nothing I could have done.

You'll do the same. It seems overwhelming right now, but you'll get through this. First, get in touch with the CAB and they'll put you in touch with a free solicitor (I had 30 mins). They can explain everything to you and you can take it from there.

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 21:29

Notmyreality · 28/12/2025 11:04

No, it doesn’t. OP openly admits she neglecting the marriage to focus on the kids. Sounds like he has many valid reasons.

Show quote history

You are talking crap. Is this your first post on MN bc you really sound very ignorant about the ways of men?

Everything the OP’s dh is saying is a tale as old as time when they want out and don’t want to face any accountability. It’s textbook.

Notmyreality · 28/12/2025 21:32

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 21:29

You are talking crap. Is this your first post on MN bc you really sound very ignorant about the ways of men?

Everything the OP’s dh is saying is a tale as old as time when they want out and don’t want to face any accountability. It’s textbook.

Show quote history

“The ways of men” JFC.

AbbotSade1985 · 28/12/2025 21:59

Just wanted to also add, OP, that my ex was insanely jealous of the close relationship I had/have with the kids. It got worse and worse. Hard to fix, as young kids can be brutal with their show of love. My kids would often scream when he'd be tending to them and always want mummy. I can imagine how hard it was to feel pushed away day after day, but he blamed me.

This is certainly not your fault. You can't control how others behave and you can't control how others respond.

MissSwan · 29/12/2025 21:36

My husband of nearly 23 years did exactly the same just after new year this year. I was left with an 8 month old baby, an 8 yearlong son and a teenage daughter. We also have an older daughter of 22. I am also a full time sole carer for my mum with Alzheimerswas left feeling just like you and had

Original poster
TwinklyPrincess · 30/12/2025 17:25

MissSwan · 29/12/2025 21:36

My husband of nearly 23 years did exactly the same just after new year this year. I was left with an 8 month old baby, an 8 yearlong son and a teenage daughter. We also have an older daughter of 22. I am also a full time sole carer for my mum with Alzheimerswas left feeling just like you and had

How did you get through it?

OP posts:
MissSwan · 31/12/2025 13:34

TwinklyPrincess · 30/12/2025 17:25

How did you get through it?

Show quote history

I focused on me and my kids and made sure we were not going to suffer losing our home and security. I went to a lawyer and had an agreement prepared offering him what I could afford and told him accept or wait nearly 17 years for deferred sale when my youngest turns 18 as most judges would side with me and not likely in a man who abandons his family like he did. He signed and his girlfriend dumped him one week after! All the money he got paid his debts only. Emotionally I struggled and suffered more than I ever have in life. I cried all the time broke down in public and screamed all the way to work in my car where nobody could hear cause u have to let the emotions out. I despised him and how he changed from being the nice loving family guy to some cold heartless selfish stranger. The hatred helped me through for a while but you can’t hold on to that. I booked a holiday for me and the kids all of us a fab time. I even went for a weekend just me and my two wee ones which I thought would be hard but was actually really precious and taught me I can do it on my own and I don’t need him to live the life I want for me and the kids. You need to make new memories and treasure what u have. You need to focus on what you have and carry on as what choice don’t have and u owe it to yourself. It’s so difficult I know this, but you have no choice. I have four kids and a mum dependent on me that meant I had to carry on. Who knows what the future the holds but I suppose it’s about focusing on keeping ur chin up and braving the storm and trying to make a new life independently. Do u want a man like that by your side perhaps life gets rid of the rubbish for us in its own way idk
He regrets it I believe and he has much on his conscience that he will need to live with as well as an unspoken loss of respect from our older kids
I have won as I have everything he should have treasured and nothing to feel guilty about
Stay strong and carry on is all I can say time does heal and all those emotions will eventually start to feel a little less consuming
It’s your life now and all about you so weather the storm and try to enjoy all those moments that u remind you it’s worth living. Book a holiday 😉

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