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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay or go?

42 replies

Katieba · 27/12/2025 04:30

Trigger warning: DA
Hi everyone, so I'm looking for some advice about if my marriage sounds salvegable or or I should go.
Been married close to 12 years (Im 34 husband is same age, we live in a rural area of Scotland). No children - 2 dogs.

My husband is a very gentle and kind man but has occasional busts of anger when his mental health is low, and there been several incidents of this spilling over into physical stuff.

Ive never been seriously hurt and it is very rare (maybe twice a year) but verbal stuff more often.
Examples include shoving me out of a room, shoving me over and several times he has held me by the throat hard enough to leave fingermarks - one time i stopped him grabbing my neck so he hit me on the arms /shoulders.

Now I know most people in my life would tell me to leave him - but I just cant quite find the courage to leave as the incidents are so rare and the rest of the time he is fine. And the incidents are tied to his mental health being low.

I have asked him to get anger management support or therapy but he has not taken this up which fustrates me. I have told him if it happens again I will leave this time.

Its been almost 5 months since the last physical incident but I just dont know if I feel the same way about him anymore. I feel numb to him and although I love our home and life together, I worry about the future and what things will be like when im old or if I ever needed care from him.

I guess im looking for advice, do I give him an ultimatium about getting professional help to manage his anger better and seek couples counselling - or is life too short and should I just go?

OP posts:
OpheliaNightingale · 27/12/2025 04:36

@Katieba statistically, once a man puts his hands around your throat, that is the single biggest indicator that he will go on to kill you. If you do not leave, these behaviours will almost certainly escalate. You are probably numb, but please know you are in great danger. Do not rely on him changing, as even with perpetrator programs, the chances of them reoffending is close to 100%. And has no intention of getting on a program does he?

Charlottian · 27/12/2025 05:23

Go.

You have already asked him to get help and he has not. No need for an ultimatum. This is not a loving relationship.

Snaffle76 · 27/12/2025 05:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Baggiesfan · 27/12/2025 06:08

Male here, 100% go
Once is one time too many and low mental health is no excuse

jeaux90 · 27/12/2025 06:17

Please finish this.

PersephoneParlormaid · 27/12/2025 06:20

You need to go. He’s physically abusing you and won’t got the help you’ve asked him to get.
Really you should consider reporting his abuse as it may well roll in to another relationship.

Ihateoldfilms · 27/12/2025 06:50

Please go while you're young enough to start a new life away from this man. He has refused to do anything to improve his behaviour towards you. He is getting away with violence. Take this from someone who's been married for nearly fifty years and only just woken up to how manipulative her husband is.

RyanFudgingMurphy · 27/12/2025 07:01

I've been where you are now. It just gets worse and worse. Leave him.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/12/2025 07:05

You need to leave. How can you be helped to go? Do you have friends or family who you can tell? This man is dangerous to you and you are minimising his behaviour.

HouseofDreams · 27/12/2025 07:05

Leave! You are making excuses for him, he is not a good person.
do not under any circumstances have kids with this man!

Endofyear · 27/12/2025 08:48

Please leave. It doesn't matter how frequent the violence is - he should NEVER be violent towards you and his mental health is not an excuse. Many people suffer poor mental health and aren't violent towards their partner.

Don't make any more excuses for him - he is a domestic abuser and you are not safe. Contact Women's Aid for help and advice to leave safely. There's no question that staying with an abuser is dangerous. Please take the first step - it could literally save your life.

BoxOfCats · 27/12/2025 08:53

This isn’t going to get better. You need to leave.
Change can feel scary, because it’s unknown. But you can do this Flowers

Amonthinthecountry · 27/12/2025 08:57

Definitely go. X

BauhausOfEliott · 27/12/2025 08:59

He is not ‘a kind and gentle man’.

You need to leave. Seriously.

Dery · 27/12/2025 09:00

This man is horribly dangerous to you. He doesn’t harm you because of poor mental health. He’s just abusive. People use the term poor mental health far too much now when what they’re describing is an emotion, not an illness. So he gets upset and/or angry and is physically violent. Btw, once is too often and twice a year us in fact very frequent.

As a PP said, hands round throat is a strong indicator of future homicide. A man can kill a woman very quickly in that way. Even if he doesn’t kill you, he can cause permanent brain damage.

It’s great that you have no shared children. Please, please keep it that way.

Staying with this man will do you great harm and may lead to your actual death. You will need to plan carefully though to get away as abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel they are losing control. Do you work? Are you financially independent? That’s a very good start, if so.

FatCatPyjamas · 27/12/2025 09:07

Leave. Lot's of people experience poor MH and low mood and manage not to be violent to anyone. That's not an excuse or a reason.
It'll not get any better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2025 09:23

please read and reread all the responses so they sink in.

You need to go before he lands you in hospital or the morgue. Putting hands around your throat is a huge red flag and he could well go into kill you. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry and his apparent poor mental health is no justification or excuse for such behaviour either. Has he told you he has poor MH?. Or see a GP? I would not readily believe him anyway.

And a hard no to joint counselling as it’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not safe enough to do this with him and besides which abuse is not a relationship issue. Abuse is about power and control. He also had a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. A M courses are no answer to domestic violence.

What does he do outside your house? Your own physical and Mh is taking a pounding at his hands. Where are your family and friends here?. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy and you have indeed taken a small but important step in writing about this here. Build on this by contacting the Scottish form of Women’s Aid, I will find a link for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2025 09:25

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar as a child?

Original poster
Katieba · 27/12/2025 09:38

Thank you for the replies and links.
I know you are right - I have to go.
I didnt want to face up to this being reality. I thought things would change one day and told myself it was not bad as id not been badly hurt.
I'm not financially independant but I do have a profession I can return to and family nearby I could stay with for a time.
Scared about the future but know deep down its time now.

OP posts:
Dery · 27/12/2025 10:11

That’s a good update, OP.

Unless you’re in immediate physical danger (in which case obviously it’s best to just leave), you need to plan leaving very carefully as abusers can become particularly dangerous when they’re losing control. The most important thing is - do NOT tell him what you are planning. He has lost the right to advance warning because he is abusive. More to the point, he will likely try to harm you if you tell him. Try to pack your important documents, money and valuables discretely and keep them in a grab bag. You might even want to leave some of the stuff with your family if you can trust them to be discreet while you’re working this out.

There’s very good practical advice here:
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Note the “Exit Site” tab. If you use that, WA will not show up in your search history.

The Survivor's Handbook - Women’s Aid

The Survivor's Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of support.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 27/12/2025 10:29

Leave asap, before he grinds you down so much that you think this abuse is normal. It isn't. You deserve so much more than this, no-one should live in fear of their other half. You are young and childless, you only have yourself to think about. Don't give him any inkling that you are leaving, it may infuriate him and who knows how that will escalate? Gradually move your belongings to whoever you're going to stay with (parents?), and then make a clean break and "run for the hills." Good luck, love, you owe it to yourself to leave and have a happy, safe life x

PaperMachePanda · 27/12/2025 10:40

I have told him if it happens again I will leave this time.

You'll be leaving in a body bag.

Leave before he has the chance.

ThatJadeLion · 27/12/2025 10:42

Hands on the throat, massive red flags. You will be happy again, just not now sadly. You need to get a plan together and leave safely. Please contact Women's Aid

hulkincredible · 27/12/2025 10:44

His mental health would become a lot worse if there is a change of event e.g. job loss.
Then such incidents are likely to become frequent.

Get out, you absolutely must prioritise being safe.