Should I stay or go?

[Katieba]

Trigger warning: DA
Hi everyone, so I'm looking for some advice about if my marriage sounds salvegable or or I should go.
Been married close to 12 years (Im 34 husband is same age, we live in a rural area of Scotland). No children - 2 dogs.

My husband is a very gentle and kind man but has occasional busts of anger when his mental health is low, and there been several incidents of this spilling over into physical stuff.

Ive never been seriously hurt and it is very rare (maybe twice a year) but verbal stuff more often.
Examples include shoving me out of a room, shoving me over and several times he has held me by the throat hard enough to leave fingermarks - one time i stopped him grabbing my neck so he hit me on the arms /shoulders.

Now I know most people in my life would tell me to leave him - but I just cant quite find the courage to leave as the incidents are so rare and the rest of the time he is fine. And the incidents are tied to his mental health being low.

I have asked him to get anger management support or therapy but he has not taken this up which fustrates me. I have told him if it happens again I will leave this time.

Its been almost 5 months since the last physical incident but I just dont know if I feel the same way about him anymore. I feel numb to him and although I love our home and life together, I worry about the future and what things will be like when im old or if I ever needed care from him.

I guess im looking for advice, do I give him an ultimatium about getting professional help to manage his anger better and seek couples counselling - or is life too short and should I just go?

Your question is not a question you need answering. You know.

Please don’t tell him you’re planning to leave. That will make the situation even more dangerous. Act normal, make plans then leave quietly.

Non fatal strangulation can increase your risk of a stroke and as others have said, you are more at risk of being killed. You should always be medically checked over when this happens. For the sake of your health, happiness and safety I would leave. Now would be the best time while you feel emotionally detached from him.
Look at the cycle of abuse and see if the pattern is familiar.

Just leave with a few essentials. You can send a family member round to pick up the rest of your stuff later.
When he put his hands round your throat he lost any right to any explanations. He is a very dangerous man.

Dangerous dogs and men are nice and gentle 99 per cent of the time. Until they flip.

What does he do to fix his mental health when it is low?
Seems his strategy is to attack you
You cannot risk it
He only has to kill you once
Please see a counselor yourself and be honest
And please go

Sorry but if you don't leave you could end up in hospital or dead. No joke.

Anyone who is capable of doing stuff like that has crossed a boundary and it's not one you come back from. Thank goodness no kids but you have fallen out of love with him due to his behaviour. It's never ever justified to hurt you. No matter how bad someone's MH is.

And he's refusing to seek help over it. So no commitment to change and no responsibility taken for the damage he's caused.

Kind and gentle men do not choke their partners, ever.

Sincere thanks to every one of you who replied.
Ive been downplaying this for years and keeping it private so it was a big step talking about it here.
From the outside we look like a happy couple and I would tell myself as its not a frequent thing I could cope with it, that the good made up for the bad.
Very low self esteem i guess - grew up in a dysfunctional household also.
Will keep plans private to leave- in the past he said if he finds out i plan to leave he will kick me out of the house that day anyway so know it wont go well.

There’s some very good advice here. I just wanted to say that from time to time my DH also has struggles with his mental health. Not once has he ever used this as a reason/excuse to be verbally or physically abusive to me or anybody else.

You already know OP but well done for coming here and telling us your story as it’s been important to write it down.
Many people have mental health problems and do not hurt others. He is hiding behind it.
It is control. Even if it’s not often, he knows you never know when it might occur, so you will always be watchful. That controls you.
You have no children to consider here.
You have a job you can return to.
He knows you will have thought about leaving and has threatened you over that as well.
Someone putting their hands around your throat is the most dangerous thing. Your life is danger.
Get your things, even just a few essentials and go. Anything else you own can be replaced.
You got married quite young you’ve already lost over a decade to this man.
He is not a good man. He is violent and cruel.
During trauma treatment I first found out about a trauma response called ‘fawning’ where you literally do anything you can to stop someone from hurting you, even when the threat doesn’t feel huge at the time. It is exhausting.
You are 34 which is so, so young. You have a whole life to lead, free of this man and his violence.
Don’t tell him you are leaving. And also remember you are married - in the future when it comes to divorce the decisions aren’t down to him alone.
But for now save your own life.

What is your housing situation?

He is not a ‘gentle kind man’, he is a violent abuser who may well kill you. Stop gas lighting yourself, stop making excuses for him. Many people have mental health issues, they don’t strangle their partners. Report him to the police for previous assaults, get him removed. Contact Women’s Aid, now

Definitely plan your exit, with support from a domestic abuse charity, in advance of leaving. Leave while he is not there, because he’s likely to be most dangerous during and after you end the marriage. I know you will want to talk to him in person, but make sure there are others present and you’ve already removed all your possessions from the house. If you need help to remove your possessions, enlist a close relative or friend who will keep your plans private.

His behaviour is absolutely more dangerous and concerning than you realise, please be careful.

Please leave. I suffer with my mental health and can get really low sometimes and really angry but not once have i ever put my hands on my partner or my kids. I remove myself from the home so no one has to see it.

My dad suffered from really bad depression and not once in their 40 years of marriage did he ever put his hands on my mum.

But above anything please know this from someone with experience.

Even during the darkest, hardest most hopeless times, there is still enough awareness and consciousness to know what you are physically doing.

In those moments he knows he is hurting you and is actively choosing to do so.

do not wait for the next time in order to take action. You need to leave him, as he is capable of killing you. Don’t let there be any doubt about that.

I would also add that he physically abuses you. Full stop, end of story. There is no excuse, there is no reason. Nothing else needs to follow that sentence.
He physically abuses you and that’s all you need to know.