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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you split from a Narcissist….

40 replies

Blinkkisses · 26/12/2025 18:48

….How long until their vile behaviour calmed down or stopped.
Recently split up with Dcs dad and I’m finding this part really difficult and emotionally draining.
Ive had the week off for the holidays and am dreading going back to work next week because ex has really ramped it up this week.

OP posts:
Pranksters · 26/12/2025 19:04

Um… often it ramps up. Because they’re still trying to control you. And they’re manipulative in the divorce. They don’t like the loss of power.

There is a lot of advice online in splitting with narcissists. Just search for it on instagram or any social media.

Mumoftwo388 · 26/12/2025 19:07

A year and a half later for me and he still won't leave me alone and stop trying to ruin/control my life.

Stressymadre · 26/12/2025 19:08

I would say it calmed down after about 4 years but... we still have a massive blow out at least twice a year as PP said, still trying to control me and the kids...

Original poster
Blinkkisses · 26/12/2025 19:09

I’m not on any social media apart from mumsnet but will see what info I can find via google.
its only been a few weeks & it’s been awful, obviously playing the kind devoted dad and blaming me to everyone, for finally putting some boundaries in place and not putting up with the BS anymore, it feels worse than when we were still together at the moment

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 26/12/2025 19:11

Calmed down when there was no more drama. He's still a twat but has other narcissistic supply now so much less focus on me.

Do the grey rock thing. Business like. Don't be too available. Get a separate phone for him if he's bombarding you.

Get child arrangements done swiftly. They love drama and a fight. Try to bore him.

Original poster
Blinkkisses · 26/12/2025 19:31

omg how is it fair that people are having to deal with it FOUR YEARS on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blinkkisses · 26/12/2025 19:33

ConfusedNoMore · 26/12/2025 19:11

Calmed down when there was no more drama. He's still a twat but has other narcissistic supply now so much less focus on me.

Do the grey rock thing. Business like. Don't be too available. Get a separate phone for him if he's bombarding you.

Get child arrangements done swiftly. They love drama and a fight. Try to bore him.

I’ve not been rising to any arguments and but even the childcare is a nightmare, turns up early/late then rings to see where I am when they’ve only been out for 2 hours!

OP posts:
Pranksters · 26/12/2025 19:34

It’s advised to get a separate email address and phone and that be the only contact. It’s all about power and control and manipulation.

Dr Ramani is worth looking up.

ConfusedNoMore · 26/12/2025 19:58

Oh he will of course be late/early...make unreasonable demands. It's infuriating and unfair.

I coped by never relying on him when it was something important like work. I booked childcare always when I was working. I got a child arrangements order eventually and proved in court that he was late or cancelled over half of his allocated time so he didn't get fifty fifty. We've had three hours after school and every other weekend for over ten years now.

He still brings him back early and unfed fairly often.

Seriously change your number or get a separate number for him. Switch it off when you're not on a contact day.

Just be boring. Say as little as possible about your life. Do not mention dating or going out with friends or anything important.

Onelittledog · 26/12/2025 20:14

It was 8 years before my ex finally went away and only because I met my now husband. It was constant control and manipulation but as he was a pathetic little bully he ran off when someone bigger than him appeared. He's dead now.

hardtocare · 26/12/2025 20:17

Sorry OP. My ex is still playing games 13 years on. It calms down periodically when I’m being compliant or he has a girlfriend but it still hangs over me. I think for me it’s more for us to find coping mechanisms as it’s always up to us to find solutions to their issues. My only other tip is not to give him a label. Narcissist implies he can’t help his behaviour. He can and should. Stay strong

Lamentingalways · 26/12/2025 20:23

I haven’t managed to get rid of mine. Mainly because of this! It is actually easier to deal with when things are ticking along because narcissists aren’t always awful - they can act normal for a while. As soon as I say I don’t want him he begins with the absolutely vileness (same when we argue) and to be honest I can’t face it. I’ve been through it before with my older children and it is soul destroying. I’ll be honest it didn’t stop with that one until the children went non contact. I don’t have any advice I’m sorry but I feel for you. He might get a new supply and calm down a little hopefully. The only thing I would say is that if I could go back in time that I would stand firm when I’ve managed to get rid of this one and not believe the love bombing because they can’t change, don’t give in because it will get a bit better away from him. Also, don’t be scared of what he can do - the threats that I know he’ll have made, the insinuations that you’re not a good Mum that I already know he’ll have thrown at you because that’s what narcs do. They don’t mean anything, as long as you know you’re a good Mum he’s very limited in what he can actually do. Research grey rocking, it helps me to survive in my current relationship.

hazydays77 · 26/12/2025 20:27

3.5 years down the line and it’s always there low level and then they have the periods where they really ramp it up.

Pinkladyapplepie · 26/12/2025 20:45

My DD1 was in a relationship with a narcissist for 4 wasted years. They met at work and moved in together very quickly, at the time she was very vulnerable and isolated after relocation for work.He was a liar and a cheat to top it all. She moved nearer to family without really telling him (he lived temporarily back at his mums). Blocked him on everything, never actually spoke to him again and changed place of work. Their house had to be sold but everything went through solicitor. He didn't stop trying to contact for 18mths we heard on the grapevine he has found someone else and moved 100+ miles away.
I feel so sorry for his next girlfriend, the previous one to my DD1 made contact and she too had had an awful time with him for 5 years. It is a pattern he repeats and we are still trying to rebuild DD1s identity back.

Satisfiedkitty · 26/12/2025 21:10

Total, and I mean total, grey rock. Everything on one email. Absolutely no direct contact, don't let it slip.

Then he got a girlfriend and dropped me completely.

macbethany · 26/12/2025 22:30

Stressymadre · 26/12/2025 19:08

I would say it calmed down after about 4 years but... we still have a massive blow out at least twice a year as PP said, still trying to control me and the kids...

This was also my experience. 7-8 years later it was finally much easier. Children finally got older - so now I just ignore him. If he and they want a relationship with each other they can sort it out. They all have phones and each others contact details. One teen DD does, the other doesn't.

macbethany · 26/12/2025 22:31

ConfusedNoMore · 26/12/2025 19:11

Calmed down when there was no more drama. He's still a twat but has other narcissistic supply now so much less focus on me.

Do the grey rock thing. Business like. Don't be too available. Get a separate phone for him if he's bombarding you.

Get child arrangements done swiftly. They love drama and a fight. Try to bore him.

this is very good advice. Grey rock very important. Eventually they find new supply. try to prevent children being the supply

macbethany · 26/12/2025 22:33

Pranksters · 26/12/2025 19:34

It’s advised to get a separate email address and phone and that be the only contact. It’s all about power and control and manipulation.

Dr Ramani is worth looking up.

i agree with this too. Block him on whatsapp, and normal emails. Get a separate email. Minimise text messages.

Radiosn · 26/12/2025 23:02

Keep careful notes of his abuse and messing about.
Talk to Women's aid.
All contact via a seperate phone, separate email.
Have a video doorbell to record him.
Never allow him into your home.

MyNattyCrow · 26/12/2025 23:14

I agree with the advice above - separate phone and email, don’t let him in your house, recorded or public space handovers.

And some proper counselling to help you to cope with the ongoing shit that having to facilitate contact and parent alongside the bastard is inevitably going to bring.

My own experience is that the I got myself involved with this nightmare man soap opera just keeps on churning out episodes, sometimes with new and ever more bizarre plot lines, sometimes rehashing of the classics. There are quieter periods where he’s got some foolish new woman to listen to his crap (luckily for them they seem to have seen through him far quicker than me).

But I have had to learn coping strategies and come to accept that he will periodically try to cause trouble for me until he simply has no more ability to do so. His sphere of control and influence does shrink over time and eventually will be minuscule. I just have to hope that I raise our son to have the emotional skills to deal with his crap father and trust that he will grow up to see the gap between his dad’s actions and words and realise where the problem lies.

Original poster
Blinkkisses · 27/12/2025 07:58

Thank you all, it’s bleak reading but I really appreciate the advice

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 27/12/2025 08:08

Arrange contact by email. Document when he messes with contact times. Don't answer texts or phone calls. I got CCTV which helped curb some of ex's ridiculous behaviours. You have to starve them of oxygen and reduce the opportunities for them to upset you. Minimal contact about the absolute basics only. It took me about 5 years to shut him down, but it was a gradual process. He still occasionally tries to make a move now, 10+ years later, but he's wasting his time. Oh and tell people the truth if they are important to you. I cut out all the people who told me my ex was a lovely man and I have no regrets. It included family. Good luck, OP. You'll get there.

JudgeTinder · 27/12/2025 08:22

Mine only stopped when he died (at age 45) He’d always told me that if I left him, he would die. It kept me with him for far longer than I wanted to because, deep down, I knew it was true. We’d been split for 3 years when he died and there were only 6 of us at his funeral, myself and my new husband were two of them.

I needed a lot of specialised grief counselling to come to terms with the whole thing. Narcissists are just horrendous. I’d had police involvement and a non-molestation order.

Ironically, 4 months after he’d died, a police officer called me to warn me he was due in court the next day, where he was finally going to pay for how he’d treated me.

Anyway, all situations are so different and I really hope that yours is far less dramatic than mine! Sending love and strength. If you haven’t already, look into the Freedom Programme. It helped me.

OneShyQuail · 27/12/2025 08:31

They never change 10 years on (sorry)
What does change is your ability to not be phased by it....and they run out of things to control you on (when child is older/divorce is done etc). It does get easier but you just toughen to it.

It took 5 years but i can be around mine for my daughters sake (school things/shows etc) and it doesnt bother me in the slightest I actually enjoy it now as he has no control or say in my life after 10 years as daughter is 12.

Sprogonthetyne · 27/12/2025 09:04

You need set hand over times, so there's no need to communicate. If he's early, he stands outside while the kids get shoes on, if he's late, just go out. As long as they were ready at the arranged time, you've done your bit, you don't need to wait around.

Once the kids are back at school, would it be possible for him to pick them up there? Take yourself out of the equation entirely and he'll lose intrest in messing around