If you split from a Narcissist….

[Blinkkisses]

….How long until their vile behaviour calmed down or stopped.
Recently split up with Dcs dad and I’m finding this part really difficult and emotionally draining.
Ive had the week off for the holidays and am dreading going back to work next week because ex has really ramped it up this week.

I found this book very helpful:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1684036119/ref=ascdff1684036119?mcid=c929c9413afb3a5bb2e9b58076e8982a&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697364111492&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11301788251812601814&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9044911&hvtargid=pla-1298237456108&psc=1&hvocijid=11301788251812601814-1684036119-&hvexpln=0&gadsource=1

I also found it helpful to read up about co-dependency. It helped me understand how and why i stuck it out for as long as I did. And how to avoid making the same mistakes in my next long term relationship.

Thank you all.

One Dc is young adult and has decided to go no contact, the other is a preteen but has an iPad the he can call them on.
i think it’s been tricky as he knows they’re off school at the moment so has been ringing a lot.
I’ve blocked him completely because I was just getting so many messages throughout the day/night but the email addess is a good idea, although I fear he will use that to bombard me with emails too.

Yes but you don’t have to read them and then you’ve got an email trail of his behaviour.

I would also get some counselling.

Seven years split and still dealing with the misery, I’m quite good at the grey rock method now! Good luck

Let him email you.
An excellent source of deranged proof of harassment.
Can be very useful.
Let him off.
Block him everywhere else.

We were together 19 years. It wasn't until I blocked him on my phone and let my sister screen his emails that he stopped. I blocked him after a year, and then 18 months later created a new email that she checked and then told me if ok to read. He knew they were being screened, I think that's what stopped him. It was recommended to me by another woman who'd left a narc. She had a phone that was just for her ex and she checked it only on certain days. I think this is the path forward to peace.

It really ramped up and he became much more overtly narcissistic during the divorce process that lasted 2.5 years (thanks to him prolonging it at every step), but since it was all finalised we have had no contact as I have blocked him. I was lucky that the kids were mid to late teens and they decided not to have contact with him either so as soon as everything was signed and completed I blocked him on everything. He still reached out to the kids periodically but there is no relationship there.

It's the only thing that somewhat works. All they want is to know they have riled you up or made you scared, not reacting at all is the best method.

When you set up the dedicated email address: you tell them that this is the email they can use, and that they have blocked from all your other email accounts so you won't be able to see messages sent there. You also say that the mailbox for the new address will be checked regularly but not daily.

Don't define you're checking schedule any more than that.

Then you try only to check that mailbox when you're feeling strong.
Remember you don't have to reply immediately. It's reasonable to take several days even a week or two to compose a boring grey rock reply.

That said, if you're curious and want to see what their latest issue is - you can, without having to reply. Unlike whatsapp and other forms of communication - they don't know if you've looked.

And if it's something you want to reply quickly to, you can.
In general though, it's best to gather up a bunch of messages and reply short and succinct in one email a week later.
Remember, you con't have to answer everything.
And you can say something general and catch all such as --- "there is a lot of untruth in what you have said, but I don't have time to address it. Suffice it to say that .... " [then just cover the essentials. Don't get into a back and forth. Or try to change them and their views. They don't change. In this way, if things do go legal in the future, it's clear that you didn't agree to their various assertions. You and a lawyer can work out what needs to be clarified at a point in time when it actually matters, and when you know which bits do and don't need sorting out. In the meantime, don't get sucked into their web of ridiculousness.

In this way, you take back control of your own communication timetable. And you stop fuelling them with lots of reactions. The look elsewhere for 'supply'.

@Mauro711oh i still get riled up but I definitely don’t let him see it. Another useful thing I do is pop his messages into AI and get input on how to reply / whether I need to reply. I get ESSAYS so I often don’t even read them. I just copy and paste the text as ask co pilot if there’s anything in the message that I need to reply to that directly relates to our children. Trying to protect my mental health as much as I can! And it kind of works

ChatGPT is quite good for drafting out neutral replies to dreadful exes IME.

Never would have thought of using AI!

Thankfully we only ever had a blessing and didn’t bother with the legal bit of marrying, house is rented and all in my name so no issue there and I won’t be letting him in!

Sorry I haven’t replied to each message but please know I am reading them and taking on board the advice offered.
I am also so sorry to hear so many of you have been through similar or worse and over extended periods of time 💐

It’s now 10 years since we split, he will go quiet for a while and I think the longest he’s left me alone for is around 2 years then out of nowhere it starts again. He’s not supposed to have contact with me, but hides behind fake accounts, changes his number, contacts family/friends.. the last time he did it was July. We’ve all learnt to ignore it now and he crawls back under his rock.