Does this mean he isn’t interested really? Is it the case here?

[Stailingtoegypt]

I got chatting to an old friend a couple of weeks ago. Seemed to be quite extensive and enjoyed speaking over an app so suggested meeting up for a drink

He said that sounded good, when would I be available? I said my evenings are quite flexible, and he suggested meeting up in the new years, the 12th onwards?

He isn’t that interested is he? He works for an airline but he’s said previously he has regular shifts of 9-5. We live about 35 mins from each other

He doesn’t have children so nothing there to consider, for context

I am quite excited to see him and felt a bit deflated when he suggested sometime weeks away

Maybe he has a “roster” as the young ones call it. Lol. You know other FWB he’s already dealing with.

I can’t see a (single) man turning down a woman he’s friends with for casual sexual encounters.

Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s keen but it just means men tend to be far less fussy when it comes to this sort of thing. So if that’s all you want from him I doubt you’d have an issue.

I don't think they are friends though from what OP said. He was someone she knew ages ago and she's contacted him again.

@Stailingtoegypt Being honest, if he was interested in you he'd have dumped the woman he was dating back then and pursued you or you'd have been on his mind the moment he was free.

I don't think it's a great idea to chase him for sex when you are already over-thinking if he likes you or not.

How old are you both?

Well friends in the loose sense of the word.

It doesn’t change the main point I was making because if anything a man is more likely to want FWB with this kind of “friend” they are only vaguely connected with as it’s not a strong friendship they are risking. So it’s a win-win for him all round.

He’s not that interested otherwise he’d be seeing you sooner. Sorry but that is my opinion.

That’s what I sort of thought, but wanted to make sure I wasn’t displaying some sort of anxious attachment or whatever else by thinking that

As like I say, as a woman if someone I fancy wants to see me, I am excited and plan asap. For a man who seem more driven by sex generally, I’d have thought he would be even more excited

Why don't you just ask him? "12th is quite a while away. Aren't you free before that?" This way you will know exactly what he has going on.

I don't think he is that interested. Male friends comments on my looks but not in a flirty way.."you look great" if we haven't seen each other on a while.if a man is keen he will give a reason why he can't see you until that date or he will find a date that could work

When he was talking about NYE plans that would have been a good time to say let's meet for NYE.

Oh, you sure are displaying anxious attachment and he's picked up on it.

But he's so uninterested in having sex with you that he's put you off for a little more than two weeks.

You're desperate and in over your head here with someone who's toying with you for fun. You are not in the headspace for casual, no strings sex.

Great analysis. Classic anxious attachment with avoidant attachment attraction story.

So why after I initially reached out, did he keep the conversation going and keep starting new ones? Why is he the one to have asked all these questions without me having prompted anything, and why start flirting without me initiating? Compliments such as ‘beautiful’ and randomly praising things about me that seems a bit more than things you’d say to an acquaintance?

I did really fancy him and I am really interested in meeting because for me, although casual, sex has to be with someone I really fancy.

I am confused about the timing of the drink meet up because I had conflicting feelings. I thought it signaled someone not that interested - turns out I’m right by most of the comments on this thread.

I wanted to ensure I wasn’t reading too much into it, as I thought that if he was genuinely very interested, he would give a date a lot sooner. Seems you all agree.

I thought anxious attachment styles

• Constantly text or call
• Get jealous. I never had in any previous relationship
• Have other histories of romantic and platonic relationships where they are constantly seeking validation and approval, and fearing abandonment

I just want to know if I’m wasting my time. If so, I will feel a bit gutted as I wanted sex with someone I really fancied. But I don’t have low self esteem and know my worth.

Every time you ask "why is he..." "Why would he..." this IS anxious attachment in action. You ARE seeking validation...from us, not him.
I stead of asking "why would he" (which is nobody but him has an answer to) you need to ask questions beginning with "why do I"

• Why do I care about what a virtual stranger thinks
• Why do I feel unable to ask him for clarity
• Why do I try to read his mind instead of communicating
• Why do I feel uncomfortable about this situation

I've no idea what 'anxious attachment 'is but having been round the block with men before I married, I assume it means someone is overthinking someone's moves and has an out of proportion emotional investment.

@Stailingtoegypt IME women who need to ask if a man is interested, they know the answer already.

If a man is interested, you will know.

It's not for you to start this amateur-psychology and try to work out if 'he says this, does it mean that'.

If he wants to see you he will ask.
Even if he knows you're offering no strings sex on a plate.

I just want to know if I’m wasting my time. If so, I will feel a bit gutted as I wanted sex with someone I really fancied. But I don’t have low self esteem and know my worth.

I hope you can see the contradiction there.

Being gutted because a man YOU want sex with doesn't want the same - please!

'Gutted' it having an engagement broken off, discovering an affair, being told he's divorcing you.

No, you won't be gutted. Your pride might be hurt, you might be disappointed, but gutted?

I wanted sex with someone I really fancied.

You've been crushing on him for years. You want more than sex and you shot your shot. You think you can hook him through sex. He's playing with you because he knows you're on the hook. Like a cat. He flirts but it's generic flirting, if you get what I mean. He might be doing it just to see if he's still got game.

If you were in the mindset that casual sex is ok for you with this guy, you would not be on here overthinking this. You would not be having all these questions like why, why, why,. You are here seeking validation and you're not real happy some of the responses are that he's not into you. You would move on. Because casual means not invested and you're coming off desperately invested.

You're doing the work chasing him down. You said you liked him before and really fancy him. That means you're invested. Both those indicate anxious attachment.

Do some more reading. Someone with a secure attachment style would just have moved on after his maybe we'll have a date next year.

Don't do me any favours, dude, is the secure answer to that.

An avoidant would be sure, see ya next year, maybe, maybe not.

Do young women now go around talking in psycho babble?

In the old days it was either he's into you or he's not and you're over thinking it.

Is this another thread about the man you knew 6 years ago who takes days to respond?

What’s the correct thing to do now? Clearly he isn’t really that bothered so, in light of that, it’s best to just leave it. I’m wondering how to communicate don’t worry about it, nice talking though. When what I really mean is - Can’t be bothered, as you aren’t bothered so there’s no point to any of this

When he next messages, what would you say to cancel?

Oh and obviously the best advice is usually say what you mean. But it seems a bit over the top to start saying stuff like ‘you’re clearly not that interested so just leave it’

I thought that was an immensley helpful and insightful comment. It's true it boils down to 'not that into you' but I think it's helpful to break down the psycho dynamics so that the pattern is clear in the future. Anyway, I'm sure there was psycho babble in the olden days too! 😆😃

"I was hoping we'd meet up sooner 😉"

He kind of told you he's free NYE...

I'd not mention meeting at all.
If he messages to suggest a date , say yes or no.

If he messages about anything else, reply only in the context of the message.
eg Him - Isn't the weather great today?
You - Yes.

Being blunt some guys flirt almost like a wank- it's a way of getting a high, feeling turned on by flattery and sexy banter, but without the effort of actually meeting a woman.

FWIW I've been where you are in the past and with hindsight I know I should have not given them another thought. When men are really keen they will walk over broken glass to see you.

I wondered that too.

The correct thing to do now is absolutely nothing. You don't need to say anything, explain anything or initiate any conversations at all.
Do. Absolutely. Nothing

If he messages again about the date you can either go on a date or say "I won't be able to make it now". That's all.

I thought my attachment style was anxious avoidant after a lot of soul searching previously.

People with anxious attachment for example fall quickly for things like love bombing - whereas that repels me. Not sure why. Probably a mixture of insult to intelligence and feeling suffocated. It’s just so ‘yeah, okay. Whatever’