Dreading going to MIL today. Anyone have any top tips?

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Since we skipped it last two years, we are going to DH parents later today. They are very anti-london. We have lived in London for 10 years. It’s passive aggressive comments all the time, ridiculous stuff like ‘we’ll bring CITY GERMS’ (we live in the zone 3 suburbs).
Plus they’re not particularly Christmassy people and FIL doesn’t seem to like children.

We’ve agreed to 2 nights because it’s so far away and then we are going home. So it is temporary but I’ve been awake since 5am with my head playing out all the things she’s likely to say or just be cold about. I’m pregnant so probably hormonal too. Do you have any helpful tips on how to manage the time? Or how do you brace yourself in a healthy way?

Well given that you can’t down some Baileys, just play the old I need some space and keep disappearing to lie down. You are over-thinking of course and reframe the meet up isn’t about you and your response is the only way to change the dynamic.

Yep use the pregnancy tired card when needed….

Go for walks. Go to the pub. Do you have books and magazines to read? And a breezy reply to any nonesense comments? Good luck.

It’s only 2 nights out if 365 in a year. A teeny tiny percentage of the year as a whole. Perhaps that thought might help you push through it and let it all wash over you

Did your DH think it was a good idea to see his parents despite how they are (and perhaps his hope that they will still change which they will not)?. What are his boundaries like re his parents; does he revert to child like mode in their presence?.

I would see how it goes and agree if they behave badly towards either of you to leave early. Do not let your H use you as some buffer between you and them. And do not do this next year!.

Walks and naps. I was going to say a hip flask to play a game when she made a dig. But obviously not an option and you'll probably end up bladdered.

Or pull her up every time she makes a comment, have the row and you'll get out of it forever then

I would not go there at all frankly. They sound utterly joyless as people. Whose idea was it to go there anyway?.

Does your DH feel the same way? If not, well, they are his family and unless you want to throw a strop and stay at home, I'd smile sweetly at every thoughtless remark but not respond. At all. Don't feed the dragon.

DH feels like he should put some time in. Not because they’re old, they’re perfectly healthy 62 year-old but we last went maybe three years ago, it wasn’t good then. It was joyless a bit is judge-y about anything to do with baby. Their excitable dog scratched our baby and MIL said to DH “well his mother wasn’t watching him.” That was 3 Christmasses ago.
We also saw them in September and that was OK, it’s just a couple of anti-London and “well you will put them in nursery and not stay home with them” comments have already been made over text this past days.
So yeah hopefully a walk and a pub!

-Do you have other children you could take out for walks to let DH catch up with his parents?
-Escape to a bedroom for a lie down
-Start coughing and agree that its likely London germs and escape to the bedroom and get on mums net

Haha I will try that.
forgot to say: DH has a difficult relationship with it all….he finds it hard as they never ask abut him. But he feels duty bound as the eldest. His other sibling hardly visits.

You’re going for all the wrong reasons ie your h feels obligated to do so. His inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you.

No is a complete sentence here and their dog has already scratched your child for which you were blamed . Do they actually want you there or are they really not that bothered?. It all sounds like everyone wants to keep up a pretence. Drop the rope
here.

And given how they are towards you both I am not at all surprised his sister does not see them very
often. It’s a waste of time and money to go and you could well feel resentment going forward towards your h for as a result. I’d also be handing your DH a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Can’t your dh go with just the dc? You don’t need to go.

I never feel obliged to go to places where I don’t want to go or do things that I don’t want to do. Stay home.

Neither you nor your child should go. Their dog scratched your child last time, they bang on about London and germs and your FIL seems to not
like kids.

If DH feels obligated to do this is a problem. Also his parents installed that button in him.

Whilst a bit late now, for the next time could you book an Airbnb, self catering cottage or hotel? That way you could do visits but decamp back to the accommodation for bedtime/ meals.

It means you could do 10am/11am - 3pm/4pm and then say got to get back for teatime and bedtime. Whilst a bit of a PITA packing up and having to possibly take food and a bit more expensive than just living with PIL, it can be a lifesaver when around judgey company. It means you can keep to some routines (bedtime, without comments about what you do or the time you are putting them to bed). You can feed children what they will eat (rather than whatever PIL have in or think they should eat). You are not tiptoeing about at the crack of dawn trying to find something the toddler will eat or trying to keep them quiet as to not wake the whole house.

When we lived in London and had to go back to the shires for Christmas we stopped elsewhere when visiting MIL over Xmas as her partner is so unpleasant (vile) and it's exhausting watching and listening to her tiptoe on eggshells the entire time so as not to upset him. We generally went to either BILs, my parents (live a short drive from MIL) or one year we got an Airbnb. The Airbnb was a hit as it gave us chance to unwind and also allowed us to visit for less time but mix in things out the house to do as a "family" like a walk, pub trip which broke up having to be in the house making conversation.

I feel you. For this time round blame pregnancy tired and escape to bedroom for a bit - also early nights as you are so tired. As you have a DC, lots of little trips out to the park, for walks- breaks it up for you. Try and get some walks out as that breaks up the day and doesn't require as much conversation about your lives. Are there any open attractions around you could go to? Hopefully you are not in the later weeks of pregnancy as they are utterly miserable as you are so big and tired which makes getting out and about a ball ache.

I would not have agreed to 2 nights, one would be more than enough.
Go for walks op, go up to bed ‘to rest’ aka go on mumsnet.
Ignore any comments made just nod. It should be your dh dealing with them not you.

Will check out the book, thanks. He sees a therapist about them so is open to that. I just don’t know what life looks like if we avoid them all the time…surely that’s awful?
They don’t come visit us more than once a year either because ‘London’.

No it’s not awful to avoid such joyless people all the time. Your h is seeing a therapist because of them!. He completely lucked out in the parents stakes here. You need radiators in your lives, not drains. What have they done for you exactly?. You dread going to see them for good reason!.

Two nights, duty done, back home before you know it!

If we were in your situation, easier to say than do. But why come straight out it when you arrive, they you feel give them some examples of their intolerant behaviour.
As others have said 2 nights is more than enough.
Good luck OP

I’ve learnt that silence, polite smiles and nodding are better than responding with words. It’s taken me 7 years because I’m a chatterbox and like to keep the peace but I’m now at a point of “it’s not my problem” so I just pretend I’m an extra in their TV show and nod along 😂😂 if any words are needed they’re always non-committal like “well, could be”, “most likely”, “ah things happen”, “I can see what you’re saying”

I get annoyed at all the posts on MN where women blame their hormones but in this case, I think you can use it as an excuse for needing a rest.

It's also the PIL not the MIL but I'd have counteracted to and MIL said to DH “well his mother wasn’t watching him.” with 'neither were his father or grandparents'.

I'd not go.

We don't celebrate it anymore! End of problem!

I find it heartbreaking how many people on MN are so quick to advise others to cut people off- especially close family - out of their lives. Sounds like DH’s parents aren’t a lot of laughs and have different ideas about a few things than you do, but the only actual thing they have done “wrong” is the dog scratching your DC, which I do agree is absolutely awful. But that’s a reason to tell them the dog needs to stay outside or in a different room, not to refuse to put up with them for two measly nights every few years. They are your DH’s parents and I’m sure they love him and your DC and while it’s a pity the relationship isn’t easier, cutting them off would be awful.

I have an aunt and uncle who are wonderful people but have been completely cut off from their son and DGC because they make ONE mistake relating to their DIL (after years of support from them including financial and childcare). They are heartbroken about it.l and its heartless and awful.