Ex and I slept together, we are divorced and he’s been seeing someone.

[Glumcaregiver]

40, mum of 4 boys, ex husband moved out and bought a new house 18 months ago and has been seeing someone new but telling me constantly he misses me, loves me etc. I initiated the divorce, it’s not because I didn’t love him or there was no attraction, there was, I just got sick of the weaponised incompetence, no intention of counselling or trying to grow with me he refused. Instead I’d come home randomly to a new Porsche on the driveway, or come home to him having left work early to start painting the house a different colour without even wanting a conversation about it to me. These weren’t surprises, he’d tell about it casually then bam it’s happening. It was like he was going insane, he started smoking weed at 37 because he said he couldn’t relax and instead of going to the GP he just decided to find a dealer and I just found that ridiculous. Maybe I’m harsh and maybe it was a midlife crises but I’d just had our twins and he was acting like this.

Anyways last night he came over for dinner mainly to spend time with kids and once the kids went to bed we had a drink which turned into 2 and so on. One thing led to another, I did miss him and I’m comfortable with him the sex was great. He left this morning before the kids could see him and texted me to say we should work things out.

I am unsure, all I know is that divorce sucks but 18 months isn’t long enough and technically I’ve made myself the other woman. He’s seeing someone, they’re not “official official” but he’s seeing someone and I feel awful.

I don’t need judgment on sleeping with my ex husband. I still care about him a lot and love him. I’ve had a hard time with the divorce despite me being the one to initiate.

can you live with the weaponised incompetence drugs and unpredictability? If you love each other and want to work through your differences then go ahead.

or is he likely to back off if you reciprocate?

Firstly don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s happened. You can’t change anything. You can’t turn back the clocks so just accept it. Secondly all the things that pissed you off about him and led you to divorce (which must’ve been a really tough decision with four kids involved) will still be around if you got back together with him. He’s unlikely to have any of the answers you’re looking for or solve any problems. Take the rose tinted specs off great sex does not equal a great partner. And he’s already showed you he’s not a great partner.

18 months is pretty early days still - I think it takes at least a year just to come to terms with the end of a significant relationship before you start tinkering around the edges of moving on and getting to know yourself better

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

He's a drug user and displays manic impulsive behavior. You'd be a fool to take him back.

Make sure that you use contraception.

You’re right. I hate that he insists he loved me and willing to throw away 12 years. I was willing to support him through things, he has a stressful job and I think it got to him but he wasn’t willing to let me support him or admit that emotionally he was struggling.

If you WANT to gently take a step towards dating:

No drugs. Hard no.
Counselling alone and couples.
Doctor visit about these manic episodes. (Suspect the weed usage is a symptom of something)
List of shit he has to do (this is relating to the incompetence)

Up to you. If he is amenable to change it might work. If he resists anything, well then you have your answer.

We did.

Thank you.

I do want to maybe work things out slowly. I just don’t want to confuse the kids and cause them issues. My eldest is in counselling not for a particular reason but just to have someone to talk to about anything and everything. He witnessed all the random impulsiveness of his dad, I think he didn’t mind it but then again he’s a 10 year old probably thought it was cool for dad to buy a 2 seater Porsche.

I don’t want my kids to resent me or their father.

I’ve been honest with him and told him I do still care for him and love him and would have liked to have been able to work things out.

He now wants to work things out and has admitted to struggling and not knowing how to manage so smoking weed helped him I guess. I have told him I can deal with the impulsiveness and the drugs so we will see.

I can still care about him and just not get back together with him. It sucks but I want stability for our children I have to be certain and right now I’m not and sleeping with him was probably a mistake but it’s the first time I’ve felt okay about myself. I’ve tried dating and I get so upset but familiarity with my ex husband is where I feel like myself and that sucks.

I think this point resonated with me - he was willing to throw away 12 years. Divorces don't happen overnight and he did nothing to make you consider stopping the divorce during the time it was proceeding - that was the time for him to want to make it work, that was the time for him to give up drugs, go to counselling, to do everything and anything possible to mend the marriage. Even at the bitter edge of it all he didn't change. I'm not sure why he would now. I totally get familiarity, I totally get safety, but they are not substitutions for a good, solid relationship where you are respected, consulted and working in union. If you do pursue this path it is up to you, but please go into it with your eyes open and in the knowledge that it will be very confusing and hard for the children, even if you do it as smoothly and softly as you can, it will be doubly destabilising. I know whereof I speak - my parents divorced and remarried.

Thank you I appreciate the honesty and the input.

I think that’s what makes reconciliation difficult for us. We have kids and I want them to have a stable childhood I don’t want to confuse them I already feel like a horrible mother for breaking up the family. Our eldest is in counselling, not for any specific reason but I just thought it was important for him to have a space to just be himself and share how he feels about anything.

In an ideal world I would like to work things out with my children’s father. I’ve asked him if we can speak about this in person some point after Christmas and we can go from there but my priority is the kids and for them to have as much stability as possible and not to cause any confusion for them.

You're welcome and I really do wish you the best. I think in the aftermath of something as significant as a divorce that so many feelings are swirling around that sometimes it might help to have the benefit of an objective outsider. I absolutely believe that your children are your priority and that was one of the foundations for the divorce in the first place. I really hope that 2026 brings with it much happiness and calm.

No judgement here and I know it’s not great to make anything pathological, but I recognise some of those traits from my Bipolar. Has this ever been looked at?

No I completely agree but I haven’t mentioned that to him and it hasn’t been looked at. I’m also not a doctor so I could be wrong.

Maybe that’s where we should start I think it’s difficult because he does “function” well and does his duties as a father I can’t say anything bad about him on that side of things. He’s just become impulsive I don’t know what triggered it as he was never this impulsive. He just one day decided to buy a van and spent time working on it to make it into a camper van for us to take the kids around Europe with. We ended up going to Scotland, France, Spain, Portugal with the kids and they loved it so I didn’t think much of it. It was so out of the blue he mentioned it once and then next day he just went and bought a van.

He decided to paint the whole house randomly, It did need a refresh and I wanted us to sit down and work it out together but nope I come home from working thinking my husband has been working all day etc instead he was painting the house, picked up the kids from school and painting with them.

Impulsive purchases constantly, he had the money to do that but 5 years ago he wasn’t like that, telling me I should live a little and stop stressing. I am honestly not sure what’s triggered this and maybe it is bipolar.

As well if it is bipolar I think I’d feel terrible for breaking up my family.

He won't change. You missed the fun part, the sex, the closeness, and now you're having doubts. But stick to your guns.

You're seeing him with rose tinted specs as there's a certain amount of distance between you. But he's still the same guy. And he's cheating on his partner with you!?

Just don't do it again and hold strong. You made the right decision. You can co-parent and be friendly but don't fall back into the relationship you had so much reason to leave.

You’re right I miss the fun parts, the closeness, the sex and just the familiarity.

He has been telling me he still loves me before he moved out, once he moved out and has said he is going to end things with the current person he’s seeing. It doesn’t mean we will be back together. I think that will be confusing for the children but in an ideal world I would have liked to work things out, with counselling and maybe with him going to the GP as I do suspect he has bipolar but I’m not a doctor.

we had sex last night and this morning before he left and I feel guilty because it felt like before I missed the familiarity, someone who knows me but you’re right it’s just rose tinted glasses. I have kept the same feeling for the past 18 months I care about him , I didn’t initiate separation because I didn’t love him I was just tired of the impulsive behaviour and him not wanting to try counselling or to see someone because he’s scared to get a diagnosis.

I have told him I can deal with the impulsiveness and the drugs so we will see.

Please, OP, no. Impulsiveness OK, but no child needs a parent using drugs. Any promises he may make about keeping his drug use away from DC will be meaningless.

Sorry it was a typo. I wasn’t able to edit.

I meant that I’ve told him I CAN’T deal with the impulsiveness it was the main reason for the separation that and the drugs he supposedly used to “calm” himself down. Drugs is most definitely a NO NO for me I hope that’s cleared that up.

It won’t let me edit.

but i meant “I cannot deal with the impulsiveness nor the drugs”

Ok, he’s your ex but you’ve basically allowed yourself to be a pothead’s spunk bucket for the night.

Merry Christmas! Don’t mess with your children’s heads.

I hear you. Your feelings are justified although they should probably not be further acted upon.

Even if he does get a diagnosis, that's not a magic wand that means he'll be able to alleviate the symptoms of his illness. He may not like the way the medication makes him feel and then not take it. So that wouldn't even really change things.

You know it's for the best to stay away from him. He's on his best behaviour now and clearly thinks he's in there now you shagged etc. But make it clear you're still split and no strings sex won't be happening again.

Yes great sex does not = great partner

Hi OP, I hear where you are coming from but I think you need to tread very carefully.
Sorry if I am stating the obvious but you didn't divorce on impulse.
If you really think that there is a chance for him to reflect and change, you will need to start with very small steps.
Evening visits and days out with kids etc
Wishing you the best and remember that sex with an ex isn't that unusual