Ex and I slept together, we are divorced and he’s been seeing someone.

[Glumcaregiver]

40, mum of 4 boys, ex husband moved out and bought a new house 18 months ago and has been seeing someone new but telling me constantly he misses me, loves me etc. I initiated the divorce, it’s not because I didn’t love him or there was no attraction, there was, I just got sick of the weaponised incompetence, no intention of counselling or trying to grow with me he refused. Instead I’d come home randomly to a new Porsche on the driveway, or come home to him having left work early to start painting the house a different colour without even wanting a conversation about it to me. These weren’t surprises, he’d tell about it casually then bam it’s happening. It was like he was going insane, he started smoking weed at 37 because he said he couldn’t relax and instead of going to the GP he just decided to find a dealer and I just found that ridiculous. Maybe I’m harsh and maybe it was a midlife crises but I’d just had our twins and he was acting like this.

Anyways last night he came over for dinner mainly to spend time with kids and once the kids went to bed we had a drink which turned into 2 and so on. One thing led to another, I did miss him and I’m comfortable with him the sex was great. He left this morning before the kids could see him and texted me to say we should work things out.

I am unsure, all I know is that divorce sucks but 18 months isn’t long enough and technically I’ve made myself the other woman. He’s seeing someone, they’re not “official official” but he’s seeing someone and I feel awful.

Not my intention at all.

Drugs. Untreated mental illness. Weaponized incompetence. Has he done rehab and or counseling?

If not, nothing has changed and you'll find yourself right back where you started with even more instability for your kids.

You could set boundaries around a very slow reconciliation like rehab and a long period of sobriety. His mental illness gets diagnosed and treated and he follows his treatment protocol for a lot ng period of time. He demonstrates that he can function as a full adult, fuck that incompetence bullshit.

You think a lazy dude who likes to smoke pot will dig down and do that and find the self discipline to participate as an equal partner day in and day out over time and deal with his issues by himself? You will not be his fixer.

Or is this loneliness clouded by drink and sex that have you thinking hey, let's go for it.

Harsh and unkind

You’re probably right it’s most likely just loneliness. Part of me will always regret initiating the separation. I’ve tried the whole dating thing it’s overwhelming, I think most men in general just swipe right on everyone in hopes of getting a match. They find everyone attractive etc and I was just overwhelmed by that. With my ex I feel that familiarity.

He was an equal partner in terms of the kids , he loved being a dad that’s one thing I can’t fault him on. He says he wants to give us a chance, I’ve suggested rehab so we will see how that goes.

My main priority is my children and I’d rather they had stability it’s why I decided to initiate the separation. No one with 4 kids takes separation decisions like this lightly.

Thank you! I don’t want to rush into anything at all. There’s other people feelings too, my kids like it when we do family stuff they love spending time with both of us together. I don’t want to confuse them for things to fail and for them to be even more confused.

With the problems he's got with substance abuse and untreated mental illness, it won't get better on its own. His pot use is possibly him attempting to self medicate and that's a really bad idea. He needs to sort himself out and get proper treatment for his issues. What if he gets busted for driving under the influence, for example.

I think you actually did right separating. Give him your conditions and see what he does. Let him fix his life, that shows a desire for change and a move away from weaponized incompetence.

Your focus on your kids' stability is A+.

Come on, that's a horrible thing to say. No need for that whatsoever

First, you didn’t break the marriage, he did.

You just stepped down to safeguard your wellbeing and that of your children. You know neither you or the children will have any peace or stability while he is displaying such unpredictable/irresponsible behaviour, you just stopped him from bringing you all down so do not even talk yourself into trying until he, himself, takes care of sorting his own shit.

Until then, it is a good idea to keep at arms length because who knows? What if having sex with you 18 months after the split is as well thought as getting a Porsche or painting the house just because for a minute he felt it was a good idea? Don’t put yourself or the children through it all again.

If he's serious he needs to be single, completely clean, and behaving normally for at least 12 months. Then you might consider dipping your toe in.

At this point it would be utter madness. He has a partner who he's cheated on. It says everything that he's begging for you when he's seeing someone else.

You'd be a fool to be taken in by this.