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Original poster

XP has asked for my help with reducing his penalty for speeding - what would you do?

34 replies

Twoddle · 11/06/2008 11:52

XP was recently caught doing 96mph in a 60mph limit, overtaking a lorry on a straight, quiet road.

He has been told he will be given either points on his licence or a 21-day ban. His lawyer has suggested that if I write to the Magistrates, explaining how XP won't be able to take DS (4) to his usual haunts, and that it's important post-separation that life is consistent for DS ... XP may be able to avoid the ban.

I'm feeling torn. XP and I separated amidst a flurry of irresponsible behaviour on his part - infidelity, a new smoking habit, increased light drug use, speeding (120mph in a 60mph limit, which wasn't clocked). Part of me feels that, finally, there may be consequences for XP (which there haven't been many of in his "golden boy" life as a whole), and that it's right that he is not bailed out.

On the other hand, after six months of bitter hostility and resentment on my part, I have in recent weeks found a level of forgiveness and compassion I didn't think I was capable of. With XP and I getting along so much better, life for DS has been happier too, and I don't want to rock the boat by not helping XP. However, this approach - writing to the Magistrates - has a distinct codependent whiff about it, doesn't it?

Incidentally, I don't think it would adversely affect DS if he couldn't be driven about by Dad for three weeks: he lives locally, there are taxis, and I could do the odd drop-off.

So would you help your XP (or anyone, really) in this situation? I've told XP I'm thinking about it.

TIA

OP posts:

fryalot · 11/06/2008 11:54

fwiw, I wouldn't want my child getting into a car with someone who has a history of doing twice the safe speed limit.

I know that doesnt' really help, but I wouldn't write the letter, no. If a ban helps him calm down his driving, then perhaps I may consider letting my child get into a car with him after he has re-passed his driving test. Maybe.

CountessDracula · 11/06/2008 11:54

If it is only 21 days then I wouldn't bother
why should you lie to get him out of trouble
I think dealing with the consequences of his actions might do him good!

CountessDracula · 11/06/2008 11:54

Also
Why should yOU write to the mags
get him to do it ffs

katz · 11/06/2008 11:54

i'm sorry but i have to say that 96mph in a 60 limit is wrong, he deserves to be punished for that, if you genuinely feel that your son will not be affected if he loses his license then don't say he will.

Or is this the wake up call he needs to curb his speeding?

Chequers · 11/06/2008 11:56

Message withdrawn

lazarou · 11/06/2008 11:56

Let him face the consequences. Doing that sort of speed is so dangerous, plus how do you know he isn't bombing about like that with your ds? I'd be reluctant to let him go anywhere in the car with him after that.

belgo · 11/06/2008 11:57

No way would I 'help' out in this situation. I don't think helping him would do anyone any favours - it will just lead him to believe that he can get away with dangerous driving and that you will stand up for him.

I also agree with the very good point that I would not want my child be driven around by someone who drives twice the legal speed limit.

bundle · 11/06/2008 11:58

no way

he could have killed someone

Elmosgirl · 11/06/2008 11:58

No, wouldn't, he is old enough to be able to know that if he chooses to speed then there is a consequence. In this case points or a ban.

If you bail him out then what? He gets away with it, does it again and maybe next time it won't be a straight empty road, and someone (or him) gets seriously injured.

I have points on my licence (34 in a 30 so not quite as extreme but still wrong) had I have got out of these points / punishment somehow I probably would have continued driving badly. But having been punished and caught I am now much more aware of my speed.

Would you be so willing to help him out if there had been a car coming the over way when he went an extra 36mph over the speed limit and someone had been killed.

expatinscotland · 11/06/2008 12:01

I wouldn't write him a thing and I wouldn't want my child in a car with him.

People who drive like him kill and injure people, seriously, including members of their own family.

I think personally there should be NO leeway at all with people who commit moving violations. None, no matter what their job or lifestyle is. Too damn bad, they should have thought about that before they broke the law. Points, bans, fine, whatever. Why have laws at all if people can get out of them so easily?

I don't see why they should get off with not obeying the law as opposed to anyone else.

Original poster

Twoddle · 11/06/2008 12:10

Thank you all.

Been there and done that one - the letting-DS-go-anywhere-with-him-at-all issue. XP assures me - and I believe him - that he wouldn't ever drive this fast with DS in the car. (Why it should be OK for XP to be in a car travelling this fast is another matter. ) When we separated, it was possible that XP may have been manic, and so for a while, I did the driving and XP saw DS at his mum's house. XP seems calmer now, and this speeding incident relates to almost six months ago, when he was still very "up".

My initial, gut thought when XP asked me was "no". You've confirmed I was right. I think I'd started wondering if I was being knee-jerk vindictive.

So, when I tell him "no" and he (probably) gets arsy with me (I think he'd just assumed I'd do it), do I justify my decision and try and reason with him? Because I think without any explanation, he'll think I've simply reverted to being bitter. Maybe I just let him have a strop and get over it.

Thank you all for helping me see sense. I think I'm quite good at it (seeing sense) at first, then I overlay it with thinking and reflecting and it gets obscured.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/06/2008 12:11

So he think it's okay for him to drive that fast and endanger someone else's life or health?

Anyone that immature merits some punishment, tbh.

warthog · 11/06/2008 12:13

i'd say 'no, because i don't believe it would adversely affect ds so i can't lie.'

lazarou · 11/06/2008 12:14

HE should be banned from driving forever in that case.

kiskideesameanoldmother · 11/06/2008 12:18

no, don't do it.

just because most things are now looking positive a far as feeling compassion towards him, doesn't mean that everything has to be positive all the time.

besides, it would be compromising on of the reasons for your separation, his irresponsibility.

if he can't accept it like a man that he can get around a driving ban and still see ds without his car, then most of the positivity and grownupness is still only coming from you.

fryalot · 11/06/2008 12:19

if you say your stuff in a calm voice, and refuse to let him rattle you, then he will see that you are actually being quite reasonable (maybe not at the time though)

If he tries to bully you into agreeing to do this, perhaps that is a symptom of his general believing that he is right all the time and everyone else is wrong - as evidenced by his excessive law-breaking speeding (perhaps)

Original poster

Twoddle · 11/06/2008 12:21

Thanks, warthog. I have a tendency to over-explain (no?!), when really I can just say that. XP's request boils down to me doing him a convenience favour - very little to do with DS who won't care if he sees him at Grandma's via taxi for three weeks - and that would suggest that what he did was OK and not punishable, which is obviously not true. I won't do it.

What do you mean, lazarou? With respect to the manic thing? It was noticeable to family and friends, but he wouldn't acknowledge it or see a doctor, so nothing has been diagnosed, if indeed there is anything to diagnose. He's much more his old self now, and I really like that person, which makes this trickier: he isn't a tw*t all the time.

But it's still a "no".

OP posts:

lazarou · 11/06/2008 12:24

What expat said

Baffy · 11/06/2008 12:31

I agree with everyone else.

I think you should just keep your explanation as to why you won't as brief as possible.

Obviously he is free to write the letter himself if he so wishes.

But from your point of view - You are not prepared to lie for him (or anyone for that matter). You don't believe it will adversely affect ds. But you are more than willing to assist with extra drop off's etc should the need arise.

That is not being vindictive. That's actually being understanding as you will go out of your way to help if he does get punished for his crime.

It's unfortunate. Especially if you believe he's now calmed down and has learnt from it/won't do it again.

But we're all adults. We know the law. And if we break it, we must face the consequences.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 11/06/2008 12:51

As a solicitor (in a different field) I don't see why the evidence about your DS needs to come from you ,not from him. He can just as well write the letter himself.

But separately - no, don't do it. there have to be consequences and it isn't true that it would affect your DS - so you'd be lying to help him, if you did it.

NotABanana · 11/06/2008 12:52

His stupidity, his problem. I would't do this for anyone unless it was truly genuine.

WideWebWitch · 11/06/2008 12:54

I wouldn't help in your circs, no. 3 weeks isn't long and I don't see why you should bail him out. He deserves to take the consequences imo.

littlewoman · 11/06/2008 14:00

I have idiots speeding up and down my road and I'm terrified a child will get hit one day. Better he learns this lesson from a fine than by hitting a child, IMO. Horrid position to put you in, but you aren't responsible for him, he is, and he needs to learn to consider others.

TattooedGrrrl · 11/06/2008 14:04

i would say no.

he broke the law, it's his problem, and if the ban would only be 21days, i highly doubt a judge would care about your letter.

and as far as i can see, he wants to use your child to excuse his behaviour.

donnie · 11/06/2008 14:06

I agree with everyone else. Don't do it.

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