Want to split but I can’t bear thought of not seeing daughter all the timr

[Peonies12]

Our marriage is over in my eyes. Together nearly 14 years, 4 of those married and we have a toddler, a little girl who is my world. DH and I have no emotional connection or intimacy any more, he is work obsessed and wont share money fairly. I feel utterly lonely. But I don’t want to split and have to have times where he has her, particularly weekends. I have no idea what to do. I am so unhappy. I think he would want a reasonable amount of custody. And I don’t know if I can afford a mortgage on my own, even though I work full time

whilst I can emphathise I guess you need to decide what the worst thing is. Is is better for your DD to grow up secure in a happy household or to always sense tension and unhappiness at home?
If you choose to stay, I think you need to discuss with your DH how you can both be happy in the narriage

Op think about the practicalities, your working hours plus his, how would childcare look depending on hours of work, can he have child during the week drop off at school be work, collect after school? Then divvy out weekends between you both so you both get a fair share of weekends,
It has to be done fairly op but again depending on jobs you're both going have to have a good plan in place, my h worked most weekends and finished late most days so 50/50 couldn't work for us,

Might be worth writing it down and seeing how it could look, always think that it needs tweeting tho due to school holidays, term times, being flexible

He has as much rights as you re DD

Show us where op said otherwise.

said can’t bear not seeing dd all the time if split….

But that’s why she feels like she can’t split, that’s the point of her thread because she knows he has as much rights as you so eloquently put it.

Otherwise she would have posted ‘I am spliting from my husband and now I’ll see my dd all day every day. Whoo hoo’.

Which implies she knows his rights.

There are plenty mothers and fathers who work shifts and weekends so don’t get to spend all of their free time with their children when they’re off school. The world we live in now whereby everything is available 24/7 just doesn’t allow for Monday - Friday 9-4 to fit around the perfect family life. Many parents will have to work weekends or at least part of them as standard so you’ll to be more open minded and think how it could be worse.

I assume he’s a good person and good dad? If so you need to put your feelings aside and think of what’s best for you child regarding contact and that will inevitably be spending time with her dad. Think of it as a good thing because if she has two living parents she’s a lucky girl as some fathers aren’t as bothered.

Such a difficult decision to make. Only you can decide that if you look back on 20 years, will you be happy that you stayed or happy that you left and moved on.

Do you really think that such a work obsessed person would want his child half the week?. You may think he would want her half the time but there is really no evidence from you re him to suggest that is the case

Also your child will start to separate from you going forward when she goes to nursery or school.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. You do.not want to teach her that a loveless marriage could become her norm too.

If he will not share money fairly then he is not a good father to his child as he’d rather see you as her mother go without. Does he think that his money is his whilst your money is yours and his too?. If so I donut he is going to be at all amicable when it does come to you separating from him.

He may employ a nanny or other childcare for when he’s at work.

i work long by hours but wouldn’t accept any less than 50:50

OP- another option is to wait until your daughter is a little older where she might be a little more independent?

Better to make the break sooner rather than later as it gets harder as years pass. And how much older would her child be then?. Op cannot stay in a loveless marriage for the supposed sake of the child because that’s not going to help anyone at all.

As for he potentially employing a nanny he’d be more likely to hand his dd over to his parents. If he does not share money fairly as it says in ops initial post why would he think of paying out for a nanny at all?.

Not to derail OP’s thread, but I’m struggling to understand why you’d want 50:50 and to have your child put in the paid care of someone else during your contact time due to your “long hours”, when the alternative is for them to spend more time with their other (presumably loving) parent?

OP, having been the child of a similar marriage, I can tell you honestly that I was more aware than my parents ever suspected of their unhappiness together and was willing them to split up for most of my childhood. They eventually did when I was 18 and considerable damage had already been done to my relationship with both of them. I’m low/no contact with them now. Put your DC’s long term happiness and wellbeing first, and move on.

You can’t be a full happy engaged mum if you don’t have a full happy whole life. If your only life is your dd, you won’t be able to model a good life for her.

So, one, yes, you need to create a family life and a home that is relaxed and happy - and it sounds like that would be more likely if you weren’t trying to fake a marriage.

But, two, you have to have a full life apart from being a parent. You can’t be a good mum otherwise. You need to have a life beyond just your child. If you can’t figure out how to fill a weekend solo, it’s time to start building that life. Because there will come a day in the not too distant future, when she’d rather be with friends than you. You need to be living your life, so you can show her what it’s like to live hers.

Wait til she is a teen, you will be gagging for time apart!

You cant stay with someone for another 15 years just for this reason.

to me it’s the same as my children being in childcare when they have 2 full time working parents. That’s not a problem so why is it a problem if only 1 parent is working at the time?

i can parent however I chose during my 50%.

nearly all the men I know who have split from SAHMs have replaced them with a nanny or au pair. Or a woman stupid enough!

Nothing in life is perfect everything is a trade off, decide your priorities and stick to them because there will always be pros and cons to every decision you have to decide what matters most to you.

I won’t pretend it’s easy. There are moments when missing them really hurts, but I know it’s healthier for them to see their dad and me treating each other with respect, and to see me generally happier, than to have stayed in the situation we were in before.

They aren’t children forever. At this stage, they’re able to settle into a routine, and it gives you the opportunity to build a life for both yourself and them.

I say this as a mum who saw her kids for just two hours on Christmas Day and spent the rest of it alone. You find a way to get through it, even when it’s incredibly hard. I still made the right decision to separate.

I'm sure you've thought this through OP so forgive if I'm stating the obvious but have you suggested counselling? You are married such a short time. After 10 years you loved each other enough to make this huge commitment only a few years ago. I'm guessing the changes occurred when DD came along? She is only a toddler, a baby. It's really normal for a relationship to go to shit when a first child comes along, no couple time and playing roles of parents all the time. You are a really new family and still only navigating your way, possibly exhausted broke and sleep deprived. My view is don't be rash, this is a really tough time in your life and most couples feel like they are failing around now. Give it some time

If he is work obsessed how can he have 50/50 custody? It’s not practical with a toddler. The sick days alone when they’re in nursery are a challenge, let alone juggling the rest of it. It’s no easier in school either with after school clubs and all the other bits the little ones do. And to be honest if you’re solo parenting every day except for two weekends a month, I think you’ll find those weekends are a lifeline. Women who get no break at all are often absolutely exhausted. Speaking from experience those 2 weekends have me a chance to recuperate and do things for myself after the relentless slog of solo parenting and working full time every other day of the month. It might not be too bad.

Get a good handle on your joint finances, and figure out a plan, if you’re married 50/50 on all assets and savings is the starting point, including any savings just in his name. He’ll have to pay child support if he’s only having her 2 weekends, and if he’s not then he’ll have to pay for childcare when he’s working, which is probably even more expensive. You might need to downsize but a happy smaller home is a much nicer place than an unhappy bigger one.

This! Mine are older and I would kill for regular breaks! As it stands my ex has no contact, you might appreciate a break one day.

Growing up in a household with two unhappy parents is damaging. Please don’t put your child through that.

Agree with this. Far better for kids to grow up with two parents who share custody and put them first than in a miserable home with parents who just about tolerate each other.

Thank everyone very useful. Im aware he’d be entitled to 50/50, I don’t have an issue with that and wouldn’t contest jt. I would just find it very sad to have a whole weekend away from her, we haven’t had a night away yet as still breastfeeding and she still wakes a couple of times. Will suggest we try counselling, having a baby has been amazing but also incredibly tough for us. We don’t want a 2nd baby, always planned 1, so would be better if we can try and get ourselves to a good place.

I do work full time and she goes to nursery / with my MIL. So I already feel like I have so little time with her.