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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave our marriage?

45 replies

Howsitgoing · 22/12/2025 23:05

This is my first time posting but i have lurked for years so i know there are plenty of MNs out there who will have helpful advice. Please be gentle with me.

Tonight my 10DD sobbed her broken heart out to me about how she feels her DF speaks to her and treats her. He is a very difficult man to speak to. He is never wrong and I, almost always, have to make him apologise.
We've been married for 16 years and 2 DC, 10 and 4. DC2 has chronic health condition. (I am trying not to drip feed but its bloody hard!)

She said he likes our other DC more than her, lets DC2 have everything but says no very quickly to her. I see this and have said it to him multiple times. He has still not changed. I saw how hurtful this is for her. She gave me example after example of how he does things and then yells at her for back chatting or defying him when she stands up for herself. He tells DC2 to go into DC1s room and be with her but DC1 doesnt want this. She wants her space sometimes and if she says this, she is punished for back chatting (ipad taken away for a time period) and forced to have DC2 in her room.
He yells at her constantly, she literally can do nothing right. She feels belittled, unloved and constantly feels like shes walking on egg shells. Im distraught for her. I had this with my F and I am so cross with myself for letting it get to this for her. It happens mostly when im working the weekends.

Im not explaining it all very well. I just know that this conversation was very much needed for my daughter and I dont want her to have the same Ive had all my life. I also dont want to project my feelings of my relationship with my own F and make decisions that could affect her more. I dont love this man. He is good to me in some ways but I could be clutching at straws. Probably still together because we have kids. I'm not sure I could survive by myself either. I have no savings. He does though.

I worry if we did separate, he would have them the weekends anyway as only time i can work, we'd have to move (more upheaval etc). Ugh!
Whats the answer? Thank you

OP posts:
Buscake · 22/12/2025 23:06

Speak to children’s services

LeavesOnTrees · 22/12/2025 23:10

You need to leave.
Even if he has her at the weekends she'll see that her mum believed her and took action.

Protecting your DD needs to be your number 1 priority.

EezyOozy · 22/12/2025 23:12

Why can you only work at weekends? Ideally DD10 could stay with you at the weekend when she inevitably doesn’t want to go to her dad’s.

Original poster
Howsitgoing · 22/12/2025 23:15

EezyOozy · 22/12/2025 23:12

Why can you only work at weekends? Ideally DD10 could stay with you at the weekend when she inevitably doesn’t want to go to her dad’s.

Due to DC2 chronic health condition and needing constant care. I cant work nights as he needs to leave for work before 6am. I work shift work so weekends are all I can do.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 22/12/2025 23:18

Personally, I'd leave...

SergeantWrinkles · 22/12/2025 23:19

I’m guessing your daughter is the eldest and you have a younger son, OP?

Original poster
Howsitgoing · 22/12/2025 23:21

SergeantWrinkles · 22/12/2025 23:19

I’m guessing your daughter is the eldest and you have a younger son, OP?

Sorry, 2 girls

OP posts:
yeesh · 22/12/2025 23:23

Please leave, your poor daughter 😢

worstnotholiday · 22/12/2025 23:38

Nothing could make me stay op. Think of your daughter. Right now she’s being abused and mistreated where she lives and with those she loves. At lease if you split that little girl will have a respite, a safe space and she will be able to escape persecution some of the time.

highflyingmum · 22/12/2025 23:39

Sorry. I added my comment to the wrong thread. Sorry.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/12/2025 23:40

Please dont connect leaving to be obviously about your dd as she may take on responsibility for the split which is too big a burden for her. Decide to leave or get your dh out but keep her out of all discussions. Also your dh may treat her even worse if he decides to blame her. Take the full responsibility on your own shoulders but your dd needs to grt away from this man.

Original poster
Howsitgoing · 22/12/2025 23:49

junebirthdaygirl · 22/12/2025 23:40

Please dont connect leaving to be obviously about your dd as she may take on responsibility for the split which is too big a burden for her. Decide to leave or get your dh out but keep her out of all discussions. Also your dh may treat her even worse if he decides to blame her. Take the full responsibility on your own shoulders but your dd needs to grt away from this man.

100%. She was also saying to me that when she does ever verbalise how she feels about something she then worries so much about how she might have hurt the person's feelings so she would absolutely feel it's her fault. My poor poor darling. She is me. I feel incredibly responsible and upset

OP posts:
Soberfutures · 23/12/2025 00:00

Does your daughter have help from a local young carers association. Not excusing your DH attitude. But it's not always easy having a sibling with health issues. They can provide respite for her and support. She doesn't have ro physically care for her sibling but it gives her and also you some space and support

SergeantWrinkles · 23/12/2025 00:23

ah Ok op thanks for the clarification- I’m afraid there’s no way I’d be staying with a man that made one of my kids feel like their existence was a burden (I didn’t. I left my exh for similar problems so I feel your pain). This shit has lasting effects. I’m so sorry. Poor you and poor DDs. Your husband is a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Howsitgoing · 23/12/2025 07:43

Soberfutures · 23/12/2025 00:00

Does your daughter have help from a local young carers association. Not excusing your DH attitude. But it's not always easy having a sibling with health issues. They can provide respite for her and support. She doesn't have ro physically care for her sibling but it gives her and also you some space and support

I will definitely be making this a priority to sort out. Ive emailed a childrens councellor aswell and will get that started for her ASAP. Thank you for the suggestion

OP posts:
Original poster
Howsitgoing · 23/12/2025 07:56

SergeantWrinkles · 23/12/2025 00:23

ah Ok op thanks for the clarification- I’m afraid there’s no way I’d be staying with a man that made one of my kids feel like their existence was a burden (I didn’t. I left my exh for similar problems so I feel your pain). This shit has lasting effects. I’m so sorry. Poor you and poor DDs. Your husband is a nasty piece of work.

If you knew him, you wouldn't believe it was him I was writing about. You'd think there must be something ive done to make him like this. Last night seeing my DD'S little face and hearing everything she was saying, thats changed it all. No more excuses for him. Thanks for your kind words

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/12/2025 08:01

Yes, it’d be best to plan to end the relationship and state reasons unconnected with the DC. You sound like you have been denial about your H.

He is emotionally abusive to your DC - both of them, since his different treatment of them and poor treatment of DC1 is harmful for both DC.

He is probably awful to you as well.

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 23/12/2025 08:12

I had a father like this and my mother stayed with him. I’ve subconsciously chosen men who are exactly the same, with the knock on effect to my own daughter.

It is so easy to type “you should leave him” when it’s far from easy to put that into practice. I commend you for thinking of your daughter and putting her first - my mother’s approach was very stand by your man, whatever he does (I understand this too - she’s 95 now).

FirstdatesFred · 23/12/2025 08:47

One of my tipping points for leaving was the kids saying things to me about their dad.

It helped as I knew by leaving I wasn't depriving them of living full time with a loving father.

The only problem is post separation they have to see him on their own.

It was still worth it though.

Original poster
Howsitgoing · 23/12/2025 11:38

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 23/12/2025 08:12

I had a father like this and my mother stayed with him. I’ve subconsciously chosen men who are exactly the same, with the knock on effect to my own daughter.

It is so easy to type “you should leave him” when it’s far from easy to put that into practice. I commend you for thinking of your daughter and putting her first - my mother’s approach was very stand by your man, whatever he does (I understand this too - she’s 95 now).

Exactly what my mother did. Stayed with a man who was horrible to her as i dont think she felt she had anywhere else to go. She didn't care how he spoke or treated me though as she was as bad as him.
I was awake most of the night going over and over it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Howsitgoing · 23/12/2025 11:41

FirstdatesFred · 23/12/2025 08:47

One of my tipping points for leaving was the kids saying things to me about their dad.

It helped as I knew by leaving I wasn't depriving them of living full time with a loving father.

The only problem is post separation they have to see him on their own.

It was still worth it though.

I feel he will be emotionally manipulative to me because of this. He likes putting the youngest to bed etc and doesnt want to not do that all the time. I can feel horrible times ahead

OP posts:
SwansOnTheLake · 23/12/2025 11:47

It looks like you have a pattern going on here.

I know you said you have arranged counselling for your daughter- but does she really need that? maybe, maybe not.

You said your father was the same as your husband. Maybe that's something you need to take on board because on the surface you have chosen an abusive man as your husband- role modelled on your own childhood.
That needs unpicking with a counsellor, for you. Why you chose this man.

If you do not love this man, leave on that basis.
Don't make your daughter the scapegoat and let her think she has decided what happens to her parent's marriage- that's far too much for a child to take on.

Before you leave, have you spoken to your husband on this?
Have you had a real, in depth conversation?
Or are you afraid to speak your mind?
Is he violent? Does he have an 'issue' with women and treat all women with contempt?
Does he treat you like he treats your daughter?
He clearly has issues because it's not normal to behave like this towards your child.

Being practical, is your youngest daughter able to go to nursery and school in time? What is her health condition?

Ebok1990 · 23/12/2025 11:49

HE does not have savings...you both have them. That's the law contractually when you're married. He can like that fact or lump it. You may not be able to access them right now but it will be accounted for in the divorce if he tries deprivation of assets. Is there any way you can prove he has these savings? Photo or a bank statement?
Leave him. Your poor daughter having to live like this. Can you leave? Do you have anywhere to go? Don't put up with emotional abuse and manipulation. Grey rock him.

SwansOnTheLake · 23/12/2025 11:51

If you do leave, before you tell him, see a solicitor.
If you have a mortgage, you may be able to stay in the house with your children and he may have to move out.
You need legal advice and as PP says the money in savings is JOINT assets- that's what being married is.

Cadenza12 · 23/12/2025 11:55

What was his behaviour towards DD1 like before the arrival of DD2? Is it possible he's changed as she's got older and starting to voice her opinions/opposition?

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