Should I leave our marriage?

[Howsitgoing]

This is my first time posting but i have lurked for years so i know there are plenty of MNs out there who will have helpful advice. Please be gentle with me.

Tonight my 10DD sobbed her broken heart out to me about how she feels her DF speaks to her and treats her. He is a very difficult man to speak to. He is never wrong and I, almost always, have to make him apologise.
We've been married for 16 years and 2 DC, 10 and 4. DC2 has chronic health condition. (I am trying not to drip feed but its bloody hard!)

She said he likes our other DC more than her, lets DC2 have everything but says no very quickly to her. I see this and have said it to him multiple times. He has still not changed. I saw how hurtful this is for her. She gave me example after example of how he does things and then yells at her for back chatting or defying him when she stands up for herself. He tells DC2 to go into DC1s room and be with her but DC1 doesnt want this. She wants her space sometimes and if she says this, she is punished for back chatting (ipad taken away for a time period) and forced to have DC2 in her room.
He yells at her constantly, she literally can do nothing right. She feels belittled, unloved and constantly feels like shes walking on egg shells. Im distraught for her. I had this with my F and I am so cross with myself for letting it get to this for her. It happens mostly when im working the weekends.

Im not explaining it all very well. I just know that this conversation was very much needed for my daughter and I dont want her to have the same Ive had all my life. I also dont want to project my feelings of my relationship with my own F and make decisions that could affect her more. I dont love this man. He is good to me in some ways but I could be clutching at straws. Probably still together because we have kids. I'm not sure I could survive by myself either. I have no savings. He does though.

I worry if we did separate, he would have them the weekends anyway as only time i can work, we'd have to move (more upheaval etc). Ugh!
Whats the answer? Thank you

You have to leave for your daughter's sake. With regards to your marriage, how can you love/fancy a man who acts like this to a child? My marriage is breaking down at the moment and it's hard, but honestly, I can tell it will be for the best and we'll all be happier in the long run. You just need to get through this next shit bit then you'll all be free.

I would separate - my exH also behaved in a way which undermined dc self esteem and there was also a disabled child involved. Essentially he didn’t enjoy being a parent - especially once dc didn’t become more independent as he’d expected. My only regret was not leaving sooner - which was mainly due to juggling care and work.
Make sure you are getting disability benefits for your child as this is passport to carers allowance etc and extra UC if they qualify and would make leaving financially a lot easier.
Dont assume he will help out - my exH did the bare minimum and used it as an excuse to move away and abandon his responsibilities to dc. The only upside of that was social care etc gave me more support with respite etc.
Go on a benefits calculator or contact citizens advice as you may find you can manage better than you think especially if you also get child maintenance

Sorry where did I EVER say I would use her as a scapegoat or ever let her think anything in our marriage was because of her? How dare you

'How dare I'?

You've turned this round into something that isn't what I meant.

Unless you hadn't read it, there are other posters saying the same thing. They said don't allow her to think she is breaking up the marriage.

Please dont connect leaving to be obviously about your dd as she may take on responsibility for the split which is too big a burden for her. Decide to leave or get your dh out but keep her out of all discussions.

Here ^^ the other poster making the same point. Yesterday at 23.40pm

Thats it exactly. She kept saying to me I dont care if he punishes me anymore, im going to tell him he cant talk to me like that.
He is a control freak so her talking back to him enrages him. To be fair I dont think its women, he dislikes everybody! Even in work if people try to say something about work he's done, his ego is very delicate.

I also left once I realised my children were suffering by me living with their dad. I thought I had been able to protect them from realising who he was by simply taking over all of the parenting but as soon as they approached puberty they stopped seeking his approval and became angry with him instead which escalated his awful behaviour. I feel horrible that it took me so long to take the step to leave but you sort of just live in hope that things will change all the time.

Do you have somewhere to stay whilst everything gets sorted out? Maybe a parent or sibling?

I think, if you are a full-time carer for you youngest, you will get enough help through various benefits to manage. Maybe check that website, is it called entitledto or something? Also, check the governement calculator for the child maintenance, although it's hard to predict what kind of childcare split you would have. Good news is that your oldest is old enough to have a opinion taken into account if it came to it and she didn't want to stay with her dad much or at all.

Sorry im now being gaslit. I've turned this around into something you didn't say but you did? You said not to use her as a scapegoat and let her think shes the cause of our problems.
Horrible thing to say.

Other people said it in a way that didnt make it sound like I would use my daughter as leverage. Yours did

He wasnt always like this. I married a good man who was loving and kind but ive no idea who this man is.
I have nowhere to go right now but youre right, ill find the right advice and get it all sorted for us. Thank you

It's always like that. If they were shit from the start we wouldn't marry them or have their children. It's pretty much impossible to know beforehand what you are dealing with with these sort of men. It's once you add stressors like financial responsibility and children into the mix you get to see who they actually are.

I think there definitely is a way for you to do this, it takes a bit of preparing and doing a bit of homework. I have seen before on threads similar to this one that the woman who is leaving the relationship has already been in contact with the council, possibly on the advice of Woman's Aid, and they have been able to bid on properties whilst still living in the family home. I'd imagine that a single mother of two, with a low income and one disabled child would be pretty high on the priority list.

I could have written your post myself. Esp this one.

Similar sitch with h and eldest ds who is now 12. Really struggling wth it all. I hope you have suppprt irl to get through.

This could damage her for the rest of her life. I don't really think you have a choice here. It's just a case of when and how. I'd advise seeing a solicitor in the New Year and seeing how you can move forwards.

If I explained it badly, I am sorry.
I'm sorry if it's not clear.

What I said and meant was the exact opposite of what you have said here.

I said leave if you no longer love your husband.
You said you didn't love him.

I also said don't allow your daughter to feel she has done something wrong and you're leaving because of that.

Children should not bear the burden of thinking THEY have broken up a marriage.
She hasn't. He has.

I wish you all the best and hope you see a family solicitor to get your finances sorted in your own head before you confront him. That will put you in a stronger position.

I apologise. I now see where you were coming from and I reacted terribly. Ive booked an appointment in the new year with citizens advice so I feel like its a start. Thank you

I hope it works out for you. You all deserve better than living like that and your children will thank you for being strong.

As well as seeing Citizens Advice I would also suggest you get in touch with a local firm of Solicitors re all aspects of separation and divorce. The organisation called Rights of Women can offer some legal advice too.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and it is no confidence your own father acted similarly to your now H. He is abusive just as your now H is.

Do not stay with such a man because of the children; your eldest is very distressed and is already developing people pleasing tendencies which will cause her problems re relationships in later life if not addressed. Therefore she needs you now more than ever. Children are like sponges and look to their parent/s to guide them; you';re both providing them with a blueprint for their future relationships. This is no relationship model to be showing them and they need to learn the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Women's Aid could also be of great help to you too.

OP

Leaving such types is not easy because such men are abusive and want to continue to punish their woman who they see as a possession for doing so. But staying with them is far harder and akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. Make no mistake OP he will remain just as abusive post separation and divorce and could well try and use the kids against you (and each other).

In their head it is always someone else's fault and never their own. They can also appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world; their work colleagues for instance would never have a clue.

We do learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. There is more help around these days and you do not have to remain in an abusive marriage (and for your kids to potentially emulate for themselves partly as a result of staying with said man).

It may also be OP that you will be able to stay in the marital home until the kids are of age but you will need legal advice and a Solicitor well versed in the manipulative ways of abusive men.

Thank you so much for your comments and helpful advice. I will find a solicitor who can help and get this sorted. I know it is on me to do this for my girls. My brain is a bit mushy this evening. I need an early night.

On the bright side, my DD10 has been bright and smiley today and says she feels so much better for "letting her brain explode out her mouth" last night 😊

Mediation (referred by divorce solicitor) was v helpful as they work to the same rules as a judge and lay down fair asset division rules. It waz v helpful as my ex thought as he earned more (i raised child, worked from home etc etc) he should have more. The mediator made short work of him where i was too beaten down to do it. Get your free half hours' from a few family solicitors re way forward. Btw do get copies of everthing before he becomes aware. Then have post sent elsewhere...my ex opened mine and then put in postbox without envelope..and keep all your paperwork either locked in your boot or out of house. He still managed to get away with a large cheque.... get some support.

So I don’t have children myself @Howsitgoing but I do have a number of much loved niblings, ranging in age from 3 to 20. This past year, the eldest was in a bad place mentally, had quit his part time job, been chucked off his A Level courses due to non attendance. This coincided with (and was partially responsible for) his Mum (my SIL) having a breakdown which saw her throwing him out of the house after a particularly nasty argument, which ultimately culminated in her being hospitalised for a number of weeks.

In the meantime, my nephew moved in with my parents who tried to instil a better and healthier routine (bed at reasonable time, wake up before noon etc) and he spent a fair bit of time with me and I helped him to work on his CV, apply for apprenticeships etc.

I tell you all this because it didn’t occur to any of us not to do the right thing by my nephew, even if he is now technically a young adult, as it’s really important that he knows we’re here for him if and when he needs us.

You already know the right thing to do for your DD. It’s incredibly scary and it will be hard, but no child should be made to feel that way by anyone, especially a parent.

Best of luck with the next steps 💐