DH watching porn

[MN224]

Have been married nearly 20 years, 3 kids, and just discovered DH has been watching porn. We don’t have sex much maybe once per month, I have always had a lower sex drive. I suppose I’m a little worried this might be a precursor to infidelity? Perhaps I am overthinking it.

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who watched porn. It would be a complete turn off, sorry.

I don't think it's necessarily a pre-cursor to an affair.

Porn is not a precursor to infidelity, but sexual incompatibility with your partner definitely is. I would focus on trying to reconnect sexually/intimately with your partner.

Have a conversation about it with him. Switch off any preconceptions you may have.

What’s wrong with watching porn? I watch porn. I know my DH does. Masturbation is equally as important as a good sex life.

No I don’t think it’s a precursor to infidelity! Lots and lots of people watch porn without cheating on their partner. It’s just something to help them get off quickly.

This.

Just ask him why he watches it and see his reaction

I don’t particularly like porn but I think there’s a big difference between occasionally watching porn to have a wank and a full blown sex addiction/affair. I wouldn’t be absolutely furious at DH for watching porn once in a while, especially if we were only having sex once a month.

Porn is absolutely NOT a precursor to an affair!

you have a low sex drive and admit to only having sex once a month. He needs to meet his needs somehow and survey porn is a better option than an affair?

however, if he is using porn as an excuse not to have sex with you then that’s a different kettle of fish although it doesn’t sound as though this is the case

Whenever someone says they are against porn, there is always a poster who talks about masturbation. I don’t get it. Nobody said anything against masturbation. Porn is grim, though.

Porn is unlikely a pre-cursor to an affair. People in healthy relationships can watch porn or equally those who lack intimacy or experience boredom in theirs. It appears that your sex life is pretty infrequent- have you and your husband spoken honestly about this? How does he feel? Do you miss it also? If he is watching porn to substitute for what is missing in his real life, then I somewhat understand his reasoning. It's time to have an open conversation, rather than play a blame game. Perhaps relationship counselling might help.

@MN224 what are your thoughts about how DH fulfills his sexual needs if you aren't available?

I can’t really blame him to be honest as I just don’t have the sex drive he does. We have talked about it and often tried to make more of an effort but life is so busy for me and sex isn’t at the top of my list. I am not sure how much I really enjoy the sex to be honest (I only climax from oral sex) so that’s prob a reason why it’s not a priority.

Well there you go. You don’t want to have sex so what do you think he should do ? Can’t see how this is an issue really. And you must not trust him if you think he’d have an affair

Masturbation and porn are not the same thing.

Only being able to become aroused and masturbate to a visual stimulus is unhealthy.

There are countless reasons why watching porn is wrong, and none of them are anything to do with being buttoned-up or frigid.

@MN224 "I am not sure how much I really enjoy the sex to be honest (I only climax from oral sex) so that’s prob a reason why it’s not a priority."

I'm not trying to claim any special insight, but that single sentence is really interesting and worthy of further investigation. It seems like there are parts of sex you do enjoy (oral). That's got to be a good place to start.

(P.S.: If my wife climaxed from oral, she'd be getting it every night - or at least whenever she wanted it.)

I don't think its any of your business tbh.

Exactly. There's nothing wrong with not being that bothered about sex, but your husband needs some sort of release

@MN224 tbh - barely having sex and not enjoying sex you do have for over 20years is what can lead a partner to seek healthier sex outside of marriage.
In your case - he choses to just wank. Leave him to manage his libido as he does - as it doesn’t put pressure on you to have sex you dont want.
Porn is just visual stimulation - makes it all go faster. Men and women use it this way. I do,
occasionally - it takes a few min, provides physical release and I do not go in search if men to have random sex with after it.

Enjoy your marriage. Maybe tell your H you prefer oral - i am sure he’ll be happy to do it the way you like.

Well, my DH for some years rejected intimacy with and preferred online porn. Then, at some point, he could no longer get an errection. Even if he could, I would want nothing to do with him in that way. Porn is fine unless it completely replaces your partner. Then, it’s an unhealthy damaging addiction.

Doesn't happen in our marriage and if it did I would never have married him.

The porn apologists are out in force on this one. Your husband can’t be bothered to give you oral and is choosing solo porn sex instead. That isn’t healthy.

Sorry, I don’t get why the women with low sex drive always have to accommodate the man and his sex drive needs? Why can’t he respect and accommodate her sex drive? Since when does a man’s wants trump a women’s? Genuinely interested, because I see it a lot on Mumsnet.

There are two distinct issues:

1. OP isn't comfortable with her husband using porn. Given the rampant abuse of female "models" in porn and the number of "models" who are trafficked and underage, I don't blame her.
2. OP doesn't orgasm unless from oral. I bet if DH gave oral more, or was open to using a Satisfyer Pro or similar clitoral toy, OP might be a little more interested in sex.