DH watching porn

[MN224]

Have been married nearly 20 years, 3 kids, and just discovered DH has been watching porn. We don’t have sex much maybe once per month, I have always had a lower sex drive. I suppose I’m a little worried this might be a precursor to infidelity? Perhaps I am overthinking it.

It isn't about a man's wants vs a woman's wants.

If someone doesn't want sex, and they are not having sex, then their needs are being met.

If someone does want sex, and they are not having sex, then their needs are not being met.

Hardly a surprise the former is perfectly content and the latter is not.

Which of the two do you think is likely to remain happy and well, and which likely to become progressively more unhappy?

You seem to be implying that someone should totally ignore, and be perfectly content with their own increasing unhappiness purely for the sake of maintaining someone else's content state, and frankly, that's ridiculous.

While viewing adult content may not be directly linked to infidelity, those free websites absolutely bombard the user with ads encouraging them to take it further with live chats, hookup sites etc.

So I think there is a risk here; if someone's unfulfilled and it's not really being discussed/addressed it's so easy to click that link just to see what it's all about and then boom, he's in.

Speaking from experience.

I am reminiscent of the issue at hand, that OP has no idea how long him watching porn has been going on, how much time per day it has been attributed to, as well as whether or not he's actually wanking since again, as with most husbands have been accused on here, is being the worst of the worst because it doesn't align with the white wine and pearls crowd. At a minimum, since it's been around since the 1700s, it's always been a healthy alternative to finding other means to satisfy one's proclivities. OP you either choose to move forward and not deal with his interests, or openly discuss the situation with him. Best of luck.

She’s not accommodating his sex drive though is she. She isn’t particularly interested in sex and has Low libido. I’m sure he’d love more sex with his wife but rather than putting Pressure on her, he sorts himself out.

Sounds like that’s what he is doing? And good for him!

OP I don’t think you should worry that porn is a precursor to an affair. I do hope when you do have sex he makes sure he spends enough time on oral that you orgasm?

and just one more thought- he obviously has ‘alone time’ to watch porn/sort himself out. I hope you get that too. Maybe invest in a sexy book and insist on a bath 3 nights a week while he sorts the 3 kids…

Don’t t think watching porn is an automatic precursor to an affair, many people in perfectly happy relationships watch it, alone or together. It’s a issue when it’s instead of sex with your partner, rather than as well as, and even more so if it becomes such an addiction that you cannot manage to have sex without using it. Try discussing it with him, maybe even try watching it with him, it might reignite a spark, especially if you use why watch that when you could actually have this.

So you didn’t answer my question, you told me again that high sex drive trumps any feelings a low sex drive person may have.
In this male/female scenario. If he wants sex and she doesn’t, he gets grumpy and his “needs” are never fully met. If he wants sex and she does, they have sex and he still isn’t getting his “needs” met because he wants more, she is to blame. If he wants sex and she doesn’t but does it anyway, she isn’t going to tell him she only had sex because he wanted to, so he will still thinks she is only having sex when she wants it and still not be satisfied with any effort they put in.
So it is expected that the person with the lower sex drive has to accommodate the wants of the person with the higher sex drive so they don’t become “hurt”Who’s to say the person with the low sex drive doesn’t have the normal level of sex drive and the high sex drive person is actually has an excessively high sex drive? It’s still expected the lower normal sex drive person should perform for the needs of the higher sex drive person so that person is “happy” at the expense of their own happiness. High sex drive people never take into account that expecting people to perform sex when they don’t want to means people get anxious and stressed, and ultimately unhappy. Sex is a want not a need.

If I want sex and my partner doesn’t, I don’t get upset, or feel my “needs” aren’t met, I accept that they don’t want to, and if that means I don’t have sex for days/weeks until they want to, then so be it. I would never expect them to perform when they don’t want to, I care for them and cherish my relationship with them as being more than based on sex.

Why do they still offer porno mags in ivf clinics then ?

Nobody should be having obligation sex or doing anything sexual that they don’t want to.

But - if one person in a relationship has a higher drive than the other, that person should be entitled to fulfil that “want” themselves without the other person having a nervous breakdown about it.

You cannot dictate whether someone else fulfils their sexual desires if you don’t want to do so with them.

Well then it’s fair game to wank over trafficked porn ‘actresses’ and rape victims if they have soft porn mags in IVF clinics.

Magazines and hardcore porn videos are not even remotely the same thing. 69% of porn actresses have attempted suicide. 84% have PTSD. How anyone can get off knowing how those people women are suffering I’ll never understand. But they’re not women are they, they’re objects.

fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

If you’re seeming your husband watching porn and it makes you unhappy, the solution is to imitate oral sex. It’s not really fair to not have sex and dictate his masturbation habits (presuming it’s not causing any issues with arousal etc.)

I’ve never heard the idea that porn is the precursor to an affair. Sometimes people get horny and want to look at something sexy. I’m not a porn advocate, before I get accused of it, but I am grounded in reality.

I would take this as an opportunity to discuss and address your issues. Explain what you like and need from him, give him an opportunity to explain what he needs from you and take it from there.

@yetanotherchristmas

If I want sex and my partner doesn’t, I don’t get upset, or feel my “needs” aren’t met, I accept that they don’t want to, and if that means I don’t have sex for days/weeks until they want to, then so be it. I would never expect them to perform when they don’t want to, I care for them and cherish my relationship with them as being more than based on sex.

You’re writing as someone who clearly has a low sex drive and can’t imagine what it’s like to have a high sexual drive drive…. Because if you had even a moderately high sex drive, you would absolutely not be happy with waiting for weeks between having sex as you are. Not everyone is exactly like you!

Whatever the rights and wrongs of porn, I’d think that him using porn actually makes it LESS likely that he has an affair than if he didn’t .

If he was restricted to occasional sex and only using his imagination (men are visual creatures by nature), then he’s be far more likely than to get frustrated and stray.

Most men watch porn, and since real sex has all but dried up what's his other option? An affair?

🤣🤣 big assumption based on the fact I said I wouldn’t pressure my partner into having sex if they didn’t want to because no one with a high sex drive could possibly do that!😂. I guess I just respect my partner. I find the pressuring of someone you allegedly care about into something they don't want to do abhorrent.
There are many reasons people have low sex drive and sex drive changes throughout your lifetime.
Menopause can increase or decrease sex drive, medications, health issues, obesity, excessive alcohol consumption, poor sleep, stress all affect libido.
Should they just shut up and put out because their partners needs are seen as more important? To me, it’s just a matter of how much you care and respect your partner.