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Original poster

Paying back abusive ex (TW) - wwyd?

50 replies

cinammontea · 20/12/2025 14:46

I was in a long-term relationship which was abusive - mainly (extreme) controlling behaviour but later sexual abuse too. He was infatuated with me and obsessed with my every move to the point where I couldn’t go anywhere or even look at males when we were out, including male waiters etc.

I got into a sticky spot with finances after an incident that required me to buy a new car which was needed for work. He offered to take out a loan in his name so that I could buy the car, and I would then pay him back monthly. No written agreement was made, and it was solely his name on the loan. Shortly after this, the relationship got so much worse and, on two occasions, he took advantage of me. First, on holiday when I was ill and in pain (couldn’t move due to back pain) and finally, I went on a work Christmas night out which he hated. I got extremely drunk on this night out and he was waiting for me when I got home. It’s very blurry but he was sober and he raped me (anally) - apologies I know this is a lot - and then the next day acted like I wanted it. I was in pain for weeks, and was injured physically. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone.

It’s been 3 years and I’m still paying this man who did the worst thing possible to me. I can’t afford to pay him off. I don’t have good enough credit to take out a loan to pay him off. But seeing money going out to him each month is making me feel sick and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve paid £5k out of £8k.

I suppose my question is would I be unreasonable to stop paying? Money is a struggle and I’m trying to get out of debt but I’m still tied to this man due to the money.

please can I have advice.

OP posts:
zeebra · 20/12/2025 14:57

It sounds like you still owe him money that was a loan so yes I think you need to continue to pay it back. What would your opinion be if the roles were reversed. Unfortunately how he treated you is irrelevant to your question.

HoppingPavlova · 20/12/2025 15:04

Yes, you need to pay back a loan. That is separate and distinct from the other things you mention.

ChatGPTisaBillyNoMates · 20/12/2025 15:05

Of course morally he deserves nothing but condemnation.

But would he cause trouble for you if you stopped paying?

I'm sorry for your terrible experiences at his hands.

Original poster
cinammontea · 20/12/2025 15:10

It doesn’t feel distinct and separate. It feels very much like he still has power and control over me, when he made my life hell.

I’m not sure if he would cause trouble for me, it’s a risk. I just wish I could afford to pay him off so I can have a clean break.

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 15:17

Do you still have the car?

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 20/12/2025 15:25

I think that you have to finish paying, although I can understand why you might not want to. Can you focus on when it will be done and how it will feel to be free of him completely? i am so sorry for what happened to you.

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 15:28

Do you still have the car? Whose name is it in? Loan in his name or HP

Have you reported him, please tell me you have x

Original poster
cinammontea · 20/12/2025 15:34

It was a bank loan that I used as a deposit, the car is on PCP. I still have the car. I looked at getting a loan to pay him but it would literally cost me double of what I owe (due to my credit score) and I can’t afford that.

I didn’t report him as I couldn’t face not being believed. Something similar happened when I was much younger and the whole process destroyed me.

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 16:01

Sell the car, return his money?
or just keep paying and have no contact?

tryingtobesogood · 20/12/2025 16:38

cinammontea · 20/12/2025 15:34

It was a bank loan that I used as a deposit, the car is on PCP. I still have the car. I looked at getting a loan to pay him but it would literally cost me double of what I owe (due to my credit score) and I can’t afford that.

I didn’t report him as I couldn’t face not being believed. Something similar happened when I was much younger and the whole process destroyed me.

Does he know where you are? If not stop paying the loan. He is an evil bastard that raped you.

Original poster
cinammontea · 20/12/2025 17:11

He does know where I live unfortunately

OP posts:
Ariela · 20/12/2025 17:53

Do you have any relative can lend you the remaining ££ interest free or as near as?

Minnie798 · 20/12/2025 18:14

Is there no on else you can ask to lend you the remaining amount, then you can just pay him back with a lump sum?
Stopping the payments when you agreed to pay him back and are still driving around in the car is surely going to bring him back into your life. Not many people would just forget about 3k. Don't give him a reason to contact you.
Hope you have good support to help you through the whole situation.

Sassylovesbooks · 20/12/2025 18:22

Unfortunately, as galling as it maybe, you need to pay back the loan. He could potentially cause you a lot of issues if you don't. I know the loan is in his name, but he could, out of spite, try taking you to the small claims Court. He would have bank transactions proving you've been paying him money regularly. Is there any way you could ask a family member for a loan to pay him off completely, and then pay your family member back? He knows where you live, and I think by not paying the rest, you will open a can of worms.

summitfever · 20/12/2025 18:34

What do you do for work? Can you do some weekend shifts for cash in a bar or something and raise the money that way?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2025 19:00

zeebra · 20/12/2025 14:57

It sounds like you still owe him money that was a loan so yes I think you need to continue to pay it back. What would your opinion be if the roles were reversed. Unfortunately how he treated you is irrelevant to your question.

The roles would never be reversed.

I usually hate but tolerate the MN ‘what if it was reversed’ nonsense. But this is a rapist, and therefore never, not ever, could it be reversed.

OP, I’d prioritise working some extra hours, sell things, anything you can do to lessen the time you are paying for. He knows where you live so I wouldn’t risk non-payment.

Vaxtable · 20/12/2025 19:26

I would look at selling the car back and repaying him. Then do without a car rather than be beholden to him

Original poster
cinammontea · 20/12/2025 19:52

No relatives who could lend me money no. I need the car for work so selling it isn’t an option. I could work overtime to earn more money but it will still be a long slog. I just feel sick at the thought of being indebted to him

OP posts:
Getdne · 20/12/2025 21:01

Well I think you should report him to the police and stop paying another penny to him.
At least put him on the police's radar, that he is a rapist.

Sometimeswinning · 20/12/2025 21:28

Is there a written agreement? I believe your monthly payment would show intention to repay the loan but if he’s not going to kick off. It’s kind of his loan and his problem.

Original poster
cinammontea · 20/12/2025 23:00

There’s no written agreement. I’m not sure what to do, I’ve confided in a couple of friends who say not to pay. I’m very confused

OP posts:
Pryceosh1987 · 21/12/2025 03:16

Pay him back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2025 04:14

cinammontea · 20/12/2025 23:00

There’s no written agreement. I’m not sure what to do, I’ve confided in a couple of friends who say not to pay. I’m very confused

I agree emotionally. But if he sues you, you will need to defend yourself. He will use it to harrass you.

mydogisanidiott · 21/12/2025 04:58

If the 8,000 was a deposit and they the balance is PCP with a ballon payment then it is a fancy car. Sell the car. Pay the debt, buy as runaround. If you don’t you will have a balloon payment at the end and what will you do then?

it is utterly abhorrent what has happened to you.
i think some financial literacy and therapy is required so you can support yourself independently.

You couldn’t afford the car and still can’t. Sell it.

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 05:44

If he takes you to court, he has the fact you have been making repayments to substantiate the fact it was a loan even though there is nothing in writing. Understand it’s galling and you can’t shot of him (rightly) but you are probably not going to be able to get away from this if he takes you to court. Do you think he would do this, or just write it off?