Paying back abusive ex (TW) - wwyd?

[cinammontea]

I was in a long-term relationship which was abusive - mainly (extreme) controlling behaviour but later sexual abuse too. He was infatuated with me and obsessed with my every move to the point where I couldn’t go anywhere or even look at males when we were out, including male waiters etc.

I got into a sticky spot with finances after an incident that required me to buy a new car which was needed for work. He offered to take out a loan in his name so that I could buy the car, and I would then pay him back monthly. No written agreement was made, and it was solely his name on the loan. Shortly after this, the relationship got so much worse and, on two occasions, he took advantage of me. First, on holiday when I was ill and in pain (couldn’t move due to back pain) and finally, I went on a work Christmas night out which he hated. I got extremely drunk on this night out and he was waiting for me when I got home. It’s very blurry but he was sober and he raped me (anally) - apologies I know this is a lot - and then the next day acted like I wanted it. I was in pain for weeks, and was injured physically. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone.

It’s been 3 years and I’m still paying this man who did the worst thing possible to me. I can’t afford to pay him off. I don’t have good enough credit to take out a loan to pay him off. But seeing money going out to him each month is making me feel sick and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve paid £5k out of £8k.

I suppose my question is would I be unreasonable to stop paying? Money is a struggle and I’m trying to get out of debt but I’m still tied to this man due to the money.

please can I have advice.

I think you should pay him what you owe him, if for no other reason than not doing so would likely give him reason to come after you. He’s unlikely to let the remaining £3k slide.

I think the people who are able to compartmentalize probably haven’t experienced abuse themselves, and therefore aren’t able to see how - as you mention - this is really just a continuation of the abuse. Morally, of course he does not deserve anything more from you (nor any of the money you’ve already paid him). The only thing I would think is how much trouble he might give you if you don’t pay it back? (Not financially, but because this is his last remaining claws into you, so what if he tries to replace it with stalking behavior or something.) Could you seek advice from Victim Support or something similar?

If £8k was a deposit, that's an expensive car. Sell it, pay him off, buy a cheap car or take the bus.

If £8k was a deposit, that's an expensive car. Sell it, pay him off, buy a cheap car or take the bus.

Better to pay him feel the pinch and then it will
be over.

you use the car and used the loan. So yes it does need to be paid.

better to pay it than give him the opportunity to use court to harass you

Sell car; buy a basic functional car and use the proceeds to pay him back as a lump sum. You do not need a high value car - you just need to get from A to B.
I would feel a bit sick driving this car anyway.
Without risking a lot of hassle I do not think you can duck the debt, but need to find a way of paying him back or reducing the debt, substantially.

Sell the car, get a cheaper car, pay him off.

You have misunderstood my message. It is not a reverse in the mumsnet sense. It is just asking how they would feel in the same situation. A MN reverse is completely different and I agree annoying. Also my post was sorely about the money not how she was treated. I dont usually reply to comments like this but please re-read my message because you are making big assumptions when it clearly states otherwise.

How can you hand wave rape away? It’s not just about the money. It’s that she’s tied to her rapist for the length of the loan.

She hasn't misunderstood your message. A reverse in the Mumsnet sense is posting from the perspective of the person they are complaining about, so in this case it would be OP pretending to be her ex-boyfriend and putting his side of the story.

You asked OP how she would feel if the situation was reversed. That is a completely insensitive question anyway, as you are basically saying that OP failing to pay her rapist back in full would be as bad or worse than him raping her. The poster you responded to meant that OP wouldn't be in the same situation because she wouldn't and couldn't rape her ex-boyfriend.

Wow- just wow! I have said all along that my opinion was based on if you loan someone money you should pay them back. If she was the person loaning she would want the money back. At no point have I said it was to do with somneone's character and the OP was asking if she should pay it back. Words have been put into my mouth which I havent said and made assumptions. My post is clear- borrow money, you pay it back. Nothing more. To then include all the personal arguments is uncalled for and frankly quite abhorrent. I will be reporting your post.

He can show you are making monthly payments though which could be interpreted as a contract so could use this to pursue you legally if you stopped paying. Either sell the car, get a cheaper one and use the balance to pay him off or do the overtime you have mentioned so you can save the money ( just keep paying him the existing monthly amount so you are not committing to increased monthly repayments) and when you have saved enough pay off the final lump sum and you will be rid of him. Unfortunately not paying will leave you open to legal action if he wants to pursue it and I suspect based on his behavioural history he would. It’s terrible what has happened to you but effectively he lent you money which you accepted and have put in place a contract for repayment by making the monthly repayments.

I would just sell the car to be honest to speed up the payments so I could be rid of him.

You wrote as if a rape was something that you could just ignore. You didn’t express sympathy, understand how awful this was (and is) for OP, didn’t try to empathise.

If anyone needs reporting, it’s not PP.

Sell the car, give him his money, get a cheaper car..

@cinammontea I am so sorry about what happened to you. Could you seek help and advice from your local Rape Crisis Centre. They might be able to signpost you to organisations that can help women in your situation access credit to pay off your abuser. Sexual violence often goes hand-in-hand with financial abuse so they will probably have knowledge and experience in that area.

I don’t think you can sell a car that’s on PCP because you don’t own it. You pay the deposit then make payments over a set period of time then at the end you give the car back or pay a balloon payment at which point you own the car.

£8 is a big deposit and could have been used to buy a small car outright.

OP you have been quite trapped with this set up. You’re paying him back, presumably paying for the car payments and may well end up with no car at the end of it if you can’t afford the balloon payment.

OP, I am truly sorry to read your experience. I hope you can find a resolution that severs all your ties with this awful man.

I can't believe what I just read as a first response. This man is just continuing his abuse - it is not possible for the role to be reversed. And even if we just want to look at it purely from the money/loan perspective, he took out a loan in his name. Unless he has a written contract with the OP that she would pay him for this loan/car then it's his responsibility. But of course OP can't do anything about that because he will just use it as another way to disrupt her life, therefore, he continues to control.

In my heart of hearts, I feel like saying stop paying. But as you have shown intent in repaying thus far, in your situation I would reduce the monthly amount you are repaying, to something you can well afford.

Is the car registered in your name? Is the loan against the car? Honestly if you don’t pay it back and he went to court and showed the amount going out having been paid for most of the loan I can see him winning and harassing you. Morally I can see a reason not to pay, legally and practically I think you’ll be better off paying. Maybe you can’t pay off £3k, but can you do the overtime so that when it’s down to £2k you can get rid of it?

What happened to you is absolutely awful and I’m so so sorry.

But the most important thing is that you’re out of the relationship now and he isn’t trying to come back into your life.

If you were to stop paying him this may lead him to get back in contact or start hassling you and it’s not worth it for the last few grand you owe him.

Just keep making the payments and know that the end is near.

I wish you healing and happiness in your future.

Yes, sell the car and buy a cheaper one - this is an expensive car, there are cheaper ones out there.

This man deserves to die in a ditch in excruciating agony but you don’t have enough for a hitman

Sorry to be that person but this is Incorrect. You CAN sell a car on PCP and clear the finance balance and if your are lucky make a profit. You own the car with PCP. It’s just a way of back loading the finance and the depreciation. Hence the ballon payment.

You cannot sell a lease car.

OP are you aware you will have a balloon payment at the end of the PCP and this might be quite large?

Well I never knew that! Just googled it and the buyer can purchase from the lender with the owner then receiving the difference in equity, if a positive amount.

I bought a car on PCP a few years ago and I was the registered keeper, with the finance company being the registered owner until I paid the final balance then the ownership was transferred to me.

There you go OP this might be a way out for you.