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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m well fit and he's not interested

44 replies

Slowlydissolving · 19/12/2025 12:40

😂lighthearted title to a soul crushing problem… My partner is absolutely bloody gorgeous and we have been together for 11/12 years. He was abused by women in previous relationships and essentially had several ‘woken up with someone on me I did not consent to’ which is awful, I have been in somewhat similar situations myself and am also a victim of rape. I know he has always struggled with intimacy (seemingly only interested if there’s some jeopardy involved for eg we have guests staying over) and we only ever really have boring ‘spoon sex’ which is such a fucking cop out can you hear me ladies…. 12 years I’ve not worked out how to fix this, I’ve tried on several occasions to bring it up but he will often take the position of ‘well I’m just shit aren’t I’ and then I just can’t be fucked because wtf even is that as a response… I am 39 he is 43 and I am seriously considering weather I need to have an extra relationship. (Context when we first got together he cheated on me twice in the first two years and I took him back, I have never cheated) other info is we were best mates for years, we get on really well and make each other laugh but I still just feel like his mate and not his partner. Selfish line here: I just really need to be wanted and to feel seen and I’ve not had that for 6 years.

All angles welcome…

OP posts:
BinLorries · 19/12/2025 12:43

End it? It’s twelve years in, has always been sexually unsatisfactory, he’s been unfaithful twice, you’re sexually frustrated, he has issues he needs to resolve, but he clearly doesn’t want to…?

Fiftyandme · 19/12/2025 12:51

He’s a twat. Doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Don’t waste another 12 years

yeesh · 19/12/2025 12:52

What a waste of 12 years

thisoneiscalledbluebellsinpastels · 19/12/2025 12:53

He struggles with intimacy/sex issues but has cheated on you twice?

Good lord, dump him. He sounds like a fucking loser

Rattai · 19/12/2025 12:55

Cheated but isn't interested at home?
Boring sex?
Nah .... Keep him as a mate and get yourself someone who fancies you

sprigatito · 19/12/2025 12:56

Well, he may be pretty to look at but he doesn’t sound very pleasant to be around. He’s passive aggressive and sulky, he’s boring and he’s emotionally lazy. He’s eroding your sense of fun and your self-esteem, whether he means to or not. And you’re sexually incompatible. Can you see yourself happy with the status quo in another ten years? Because it sounds like he will be.

CutePixieGirl · 19/12/2025 12:56

'(seemingly only interested if there’s some jeopardy involved for eg we have guests staying over)'

What does this mean? He only wants to have sex so guests can hear you and therefore know that you 2 still have sex? So it's just a performance to make a 'good' (but actually, awful) impression about your relationship on your friends/family?

Not sure why you are still with him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2025 13:19

He’s unlikely to change without some fairly intensive sex therapy, and even then that’s not a given.

You might be great friends, but this isn’t the relationship for you. It’s far better to break up and remain friends (if you want to) than to let the resentment grow and fester.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/12/2025 13:30

Ugh. He has issues he doesn’t want to address. Hes not your problem to solve, op. Dump him and find a man who wants you.

Angrybird76 · 19/12/2025 14:09

As someone who wasted 12 years on a serial cheater, only to be left by him for someone else (which turned out to be the best thing that ever happened), don't waste another 12 years. You will be far far better off. The only regrets i have is not LTB myself.

Sodthesystem · 19/12/2025 14:16

My first instinct is that he's gay.
Or some sort of narcissist.

Crushed23 · 19/12/2025 14:18

yeesh · 19/12/2025 12:52

What a waste of 12 years

Quite.

You know what to do, OP.

BauhausOfEliott · 19/12/2025 14:43

seemingly only interested if there’s some jeopardy involved

He's got a fetish and he can't get excited without it being fulfilled. Dump him. It's not going to improve.

I’ve tried on several occasions to bring it up but he will often take the position of ‘well I’m just shit aren’t I’

He's an emotionally manipulative, self-pitying twat.

we first got together he cheated on me twice in the first two years

You should have dumped him then, ffs. What on earth are you doing with this man? He's an arsehole. He's not your 'best friend', either - no good friend treats their mates as badly as this. Wake up!!

MissMoneyFairy · 19/12/2025 14:49

Do you like with this lying cheating self absorbed man child, get rid, he's not gorgeous.

TheIceBear · 19/12/2025 15:12

He’s had “several”, “woke up with someone on me I did not consent to” ? this all sounds a bit strange to me sorry if that sounds dismissive or disrespectful . He clearly needs some sort of therapy whatever is going on with him.

Userengage · 19/12/2025 15:22

He’s shit in bed, miserable and a cheat.

Original poster
Slowlydissolving · 19/12/2025 15:22

Really appreciate all of your advice, I’ve always made huge allowances for the fact that he has been abused as I would hope someone would for me but I don’t know why it seems his abuse is more important or relevant than my own. It’s a bit like that all the time, I feel myself shrinking. I do love him he is a lovely man but he has his issues and yeah as a friend sound but I kinda feel like he needs me but I just want him… and that’s what I would like less need more want, I don’t want a responsibility I want to have a laugh and feel attractive but I feel so guilty and shallow for saying that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slowlydissolving · 19/12/2025 15:25

This has crossed my mind and we did actually talk about it but I don’t know man he's just a sexual mess

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 19/12/2025 15:25

So… he doesn’t really want to have sex with you but he cheated on you twice (that you know of) really early on? So he does want sex, just not with you. Sorry but why did you stay? He’s made it clear for years that he isn’t interested in you in bed. And he’s a cheater so he is interested in other women. Why are you with him?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2025 15:26

I’d honestly bin him off. Too much hassle here.

Bobiverse · 19/12/2025 15:27

Slowlydissolving · 19/12/2025 15:22

Really appreciate all of your advice, I’ve always made huge allowances for the fact that he has been abused as I would hope someone would for me but I don’t know why it seems his abuse is more important or relevant than my own. It’s a bit like that all the time, I feel myself shrinking. I do love him he is a lovely man but he has his issues and yeah as a friend sound but I kinda feel like he needs me but I just want him… and that’s what I would like less need more want, I don’t want a responsibility I want to have a laugh and feel attractive but I feel so guilty and shallow for saying that.

His abuse didn’t seem to stop him having sex with other women. It’s you; he doesn’t want to have a sexual relationship with you. Probably just wants all the other stuff you provide; the relationship stuff because it’s convenient.

How’d you let yourself get into this situation? There are other men out there and you deserve someone who actually wants you. His excuses only seem to apply to you.

PluckyChancer · 19/12/2025 15:27

End it, otherwise this is the best you’re ever going to get…. for the next 40 years ….!!!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/12/2025 15:28

Unless you're prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life, cut your losses now. Hopefully you can remain friends

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2025 15:44

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How do you think the next year with this man is going to play out?. It will be merely more of the same and you think deep down you do not deserve better treatment from a man He has cheated on you and yet you forgave and stayed with him. That was a poor decision on your part.

He has taken huge advantage of any rescuer and or saviour tendencies you have at your overall expense. He has already cost you 12 years and how many more years are you going to waste now due to him?.

IMissTheLittleBluePackets · 19/12/2025 15:48

Life's too short OP.

Find somebody who makes you feel like you're attractive to them.