I’m well fit and he's not interested

[Slowlydissolving]

😂lighthearted title to a soul crushing problem… My partner is absolutely bloody gorgeous and we have been together for 11/12 years. He was abused by women in previous relationships and essentially had several ‘woken up with someone on me I did not consent to’ which is awful, I have been in somewhat similar situations myself and am also a victim of rape. I know he has always struggled with intimacy (seemingly only interested if there’s some jeopardy involved for eg we have guests staying over) and we only ever really have boring ‘spoon sex’ which is such a fucking cop out can you hear me ladies…. 12 years I’ve not worked out how to fix this, I’ve tried on several occasions to bring it up but he will often take the position of ‘well I’m just shit aren’t I’ and then I just can’t be fucked because wtf even is that as a response… I am 39 he is 43 and I am seriously considering weather I need to have an extra relationship. (Context when we first got together he cheated on me twice in the first two years and I took him back, I have never cheated) other info is we were best mates for years, we get on really well and make each other laugh but I still just feel like his mate and not his partner. Selfish line here: I just really need to be wanted and to feel seen and I’ve not had that for 6 years.

All angles welcome…

I'd bet he has cheated more than twice, he obviously gets off on a risk of being caught and is bored by sex in a committed relationship. If you wanted to make it work you could play to his fantasies. Although I'd just give this one up personally.

Did you know your bits can shrink in menopause? Don't you want to make the most while they're fully functioning?

@Slowlydissolving What did you say? He's woken up several times with women on top of him that he didn't consent to? Yeah, right OP. Gotta laugh. And despite this terrible "trauma" he's managed to stick his dick elsewhere, not once but twice, since you've been with him. Was it therapeutic shagging by any chance? For christ sake get rid. He sounds like a total tosser.

He shouldn't be your responsibility, he's a grown man. And it is certainly not shallow to want a connected, fulfilling relationship with someone who fancies you and wants intimacy with you. I think that's probably the least shallow thing in the world!
And even if the title is lighthearted, I'm betting you really are well fit and certainly deserving of more than this man is 'providing'.

100% - I was leaning towards either this being a completely made up thread or he’s spun her absolute bollocks to show how fucking irresistible he is to women who can’t help climbing on top of his god like body while he’s asleep. And the way to deal with his trauma is to shag randoms but not his partner - yeah right!

And yes of course men can suffer sexual abuse, I’m not disputing that but this bloke sounds like a bully bullshitter covering the fact he’s got a community cock by claiming ‘poor ickle sec on legs victim hood’

Sorry OP but he sounds like a common or garden lying cheating cunt

This is the oddest, most misplaced comment I've ever read on here.

It’s a bit like that all the time, I feel myself shrinking.

Leave. That on its own is enough.

Why?! Sex is very important for some people* and it can become more difficult with menopause.

*not me, I’d rather have a mug of Horlicks and a good podcast

I kinda feel like he needs me but I just want him.

I think you need to really work out in your own head why ending it hasn’t ever felt like an option. it sounds as though you need and rely on him tbh, and that’s what’s keeping you in a situation which makes you unhappy for some reason other than just wanting or desiring him: I think most people, very early on and certainly after the first time he cheated, would have said “look mate, we clearly work well as friends but we’re both unfulfilled as a couple - I want the sort of sex you don’t enjoy and you’re looking elsewhere, let’s call it quits and go back to being friends.” Why didn’t you?

It doesn’t even sound as though he’s given you any false promises or hopes that he’ll try to change or please you - it’s always been this way and has never changed. You’re just wasting more years.

What a mess of a relationship, if you could even call it that.

How an earth have you managed twelve years with this man?

Spoon sex as in always from behind? Could he be gay? I mean it’s hard to imagine why he’d still be in the closet but maybe he is.

Anyway, gay or straight it sounds like you’d are flogging a dead horse and it’s not a you problem.

doesn't give a shit about her because he won't change sex position?

Sometimes i question the sanity and bias of people here

this site is funny tbh, lack of experience or adventure doesnt equate to a man being gay

Never wanting to face her, ever, during sex is a red flag, like he wants to be fucking someone else.

Sex from behind makes it easier to maintain the fantasy that you are fucking someone you are not fucking, particularly if you’d rather be fucking someone without breasts and find it hard to maintain an erection with a woman. Experience and adventure or the lack of it wasn’t on my mind.

He’s in love with himself. Not you.
Leave.

Honestly not buying it that he has woken to non-consensual sex with a woman several times. I suspect there is some truth in it somewhere, like he was the perpetrator, or it was with a male, or it's a fantasy. Very hard to believe it's as he says it is, Certainly if he's saying several different women.

No id call a day, looks aren’t everything but having someone who adores you and wants good sex is better.

Ugh, I'm very reluctant to say this but, are you sure he's actually been 'abused'?

I’ve always made huge allowances for the fact that he has been abused as I would hope someone would for me but I don’t know why it seems his abuse is more important or relevant than my own

This is all very convenient for him, isn't it?

He has issues with sex with you unless there is risk/jeopardy involved; despite his issues around sex, he has managed to cheat on you more than once; he claims to have been sexually abused in relationships by more than one woman.

Firstly, it is very unusual for a man to be sexually abused by a woman. I can't even imagine the probability of one man being sexually abused by multiple women.

Secondly, I have met several men in my 51 years on the plant who have 'some funny ideas' when it comes to sex. This thread has brought to mind a couple of them - mainly, the one who didn't believe women should initiate sex and regarded women doing so as doing something wrong (because they were performing the masculine/dominant role and it's a man's role to want and a woman's role to resist sex so a woman initiating sex is coercive and abusive) and the one who talked about an ex being sexually abusive because she expected sex to result in an orgasm for her if it had for him and he felt that was abusive) when he was just a lazy, shit lover who didn't care.

Basically, some men have co-opted the language around abuse because they know women respond supprtively to it and so it enables them to get away with being shit and blaming it on their experiences of abuse without challenge.

It's very convenient for him that his experience of 'abuse' enables him to behave in ways that deman you whilst simultaneously allowing him to disregard your experiences of abuse.