Where to I find a man who wants children and marriage?

[ohohokeydokey]

Honestly just what the title says.

I want a stable relationship and to have children in two or so years. I don't want to wait around any longer, but I'm having such difficultly finding a guy that shares that same goal.

Finding someone that in the first instance is actually a compatible partner and we get along well, share the same interests etc.

And then someone who wants a long term relationship. And then someone who wants children too (and children soon) seems to be unbelievably difficult. I'm fairly traditional, I suppose.

I've used the apps. I don't struggle hugely to get matches, and don't struggle hugely to get dates. But the last two guys have said (and I quote) on the first or second date, after talking themselves into a corner: "I should actually probably tell you I was married...or still am married, in the middle of a separation." Yeah so no thank you. The others don't want children. Or don't want a LTR. Or we just don't really get along.

I've joined classes, but maybe not the right ones.

Anyone have any suggestions? Thank you in advance.

I think you just have to be extremely persistent in terms of going on a lot of dates, but also conscious that you don’t come across as only wanting someone as a means to having kids. I met my DH on the apps and we have two kids now but I must admit I ran a mile from any guy who asked a lot about kids too early on as it just felt like they weren’t interested in me as a person. Checking if someone has kids already/vaguely confirming they want them at some point in the future is fine, but serious conversations around timelines etc shouldn’t happen in the first few weeks/months of a new relationship imo. Two years from complete strangers to having kids is also quite soon but there will definitely be guys out there who are ok with that, it’s just finding one of those who also checks the other boxes as you mentioned.

I'm going to disagree with the previous poster about going on a lot of dates. Don't bother wasting time. Make sure you put it front and centre in your profile that this is what you are looking for. Check over men's profile to make sure they are thinking along the same lines. You can definitely filter your search by "long term partner". Then, establish the basics at the chatting stage before you even schedule a date. Make sure you confirm they are single single rather than "still living with my ex" single and that they are child friendly.
Then, and only then, schedule a date. You may still find yourself in a company of someone who fiddled with their answers to get a date but it's less common.

It’s about quality of those matches rather than the amount. You need to find a way of chucking the chaff out early and only doing dates with the ones who want similar.

You also need to be wary about how and when you raise the subject of children in future. It can be sometimes taken as being a bit of a red flag to us males, BUT by the same token it’s wasting both your time if you don’t have the same long term goals.

One of my friends did find someone, marry and have a child within a 2 year timeframe but she is religious and found her partner through the church.

You probably won't. I don't think there are a lot of single men out there who want that anymore.

How old are you OP? Wonder if because if you are young then your peers might not be at that stage yet?

How old are you? I think that will determine where you find men who are looking to settle down and start a family. Realistically, if you meeting men who were or are married, they’re likely in the going out and having fun in middle age stage of life, not in the settling down with kids stage of life.

I met Dh in a bar. He was 21. I said, look, I’m wanting to get married and start a family soon. If you aren’t ready for that, then we’ll just have fun for a few months and then go our separate ways. We got married 3 years later and had our eldest that next year. Happily still married 18 years later. But I was fairly upfront in the first few weeks about what I was looking for.

Kids in 2 years seems somewhat pressured? The goal should be finding a good partner first.

Expecting kids in 2 years is fine if it all goes fast and smoothly but that should be a secondary consideration.

I don't know many men who would be itching to have kids in 2 years with someone who they are yet to meet.

Having kids is the easy bit. It's what happens next that is far trickier...

How old are you ? Is the rush because of it ?
Tbh you say you are traditional , to meet with , date , fall in love , marry ( if you are a true traditional ) find a home together and then start a family in that time scale is racing along .
Marry in haste , repent at leisure comes to mind even if you don't have the marriage stage .

I think 2 years is too short a time scale. You're introducing unnecessary pressure OP, which is a shame. Meeting someone, falling for them and cementing that relationship will probably take longer than that.

You need to be patient, hold your nerve and meet new people through as many routes as possible. The average age for men in the UK to marry is 34, does that sound about right?

Perhaps try something other than OLD. Wishing you the best.

1. Firstly be really specific about what you are looking for in your own profile. Say: "I am seeking marriage and children". Don't add the two year time deadline (yet) - but do make it really clear that you are looking for a serious long term relationship leading to marriage and children.

2. Use the best quality paid for dating sites, e.g. Elite Singles, e-Harmony etc. Use more than one dating site at a time and avoid the "free" ones where men who want to mess around and waste your time hang out.

3. Please please for the love of G........ join the Facebook group "Burned Haystack Dating Method".

The author/ creator (Jennie Young a US academic lady - not me) has developed a system of:
● analysing men's text words in their profile to easily discard 99% of them
● burn / block to burn the liars, cheats, time wasting bastards **

* The effect of using the "block" function available in all dating apps is that it prevents the algorithms from recycling the same crop of useless men. Although time consuming and tiresome to have to block 9,999 profiles ...... only by doing so will you beat the lazy app algorithms - the app will have* to show you new matches / different men.

The theory is:

● if it is extremely difficult to find a decent person in the world of online dating, like trying to find a needle in a Haystack......

What you have to do is:

● burn the Haystack down !!

What is left after you burn 20,000 tonnes of useless hay ????

The needle !!!!

The only good, decent man (available as a match to you) should then become apparent.

The Facebook group has loads of success stories of women meeting their needle / getting engaged and married etc.

For the love of everything worthwhile, please join this online community and start learning and applying the rules:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1Grpcp8oPp/

Maybe a proper dating agency where they match you?

It's a numbers game. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

For me, I've never "dated" as such, not even at school/college as I wasn't into the "pub/bar/party" scene.

My "love interests" came from hobbies and voluntary work, either people who were doing the same, or "friend of a friend" or in one case, "son of a colleague". I still never formally "dated" them as such, it was more of a slow burn with friendship at first which morphed into relationship several months later as we got closer very slowly.

Voluntary work really worked for me. In the case of me and my (now) DH, we worked occasional shifts together doing voluntary work, usually on our own, which meant we obviously talked and got to know each other slowly. I did the same with other lads who did the same voluntary work, and the pairings up were random, so I didn't really know who I'd be working with. Nothing like "one to one" for a few hours to get to know someone properly, without the "stress" of dating them with worrying about expectations, etc. It also weeded quite a few out as a couple of "shifts" with them made it clear they weren't my kind of lad!

Same with hobbies, I got close to a couple of lads who had the same hobbies via clubs & societies, and again, having a joint/common interest meant we could get to know each other on an informal basis without the anxiety of formal dates. Again, that meant I could sort the wheat from the chaff before getting to the "dating" stage.

I've used the apps. I don't struggle hugely to get matches, and don't struggle hugely to get dates. But the last two guys have said (and I quote) on the first or second date, after talking themselves into a corner: "I should actually probably tell you I was married...or still am married, in the middle of a separation." Yeah so no thank you. The others don't want children. Or don't want a LTR. Or we just don't really get along

Most women don’t struggle to get matches or dates. The top complaint from women using apps is the quality of men is so poor- that is the issue!

So I’d say maybe you need to start being far more selective and asking the right questions so you get better quality men on these dates?

Granted some men may lie- but if you’re dating you need to be smart about it and use both questioning and discernment to try and figure out who is worth a date.

When I did online dating I didn’t go on a lot of dates but the ones I did meet were nearly all decent unmarried men. We just didn’t click the way I wanted in the long term but at least (AFAIK) none were married and all were open to serious long term relationships.

I’ve heard a lot of good things about the burnt haystack method! @RavenFinch don’t know too much about it but it sounds very sensible. There are way too many men on apps just trying to waste time and avoid their wife/kids etc 🙄

I "settled" (and am soon to be divorced). I met my STBxH when i was 33, married 2.5 years later, had DD when we had been together just less than 4 years, and this felt rushed.

I don't think 2 years is realistic with the vast majority of men unless you intentionally 'trick' him by lying about contraception which is totally unethical and unacceptable, and i think anything rushed is likely to be 'settling' like it did, so you need to be prepared for what that means in the long term.

However, DD is utterly amazing and STBxH is a dedicated dad so it's not all bad.

Well you either:
a) go early and "lock in" a decent man as soon as possible when you are young, when the number of available men is at its highest and before they had multiple relationships so that their expectations of their ideal woman is unrealistic and non existent.

Or as@taxgurucorrectly states it's a numbers game but the problem with that is when do you know you are being unrealistic in your expectations versus when do you know that you are settling for what is on offer.

It's tricky.

Not sure of your age but you may need to look a bit older, many men are reluctant to commit until older. I met dh on a dating website l, we are older, past kids but if we’d met 5 years younger maybe

Lots of young women “lock in” a terrible man in their 20s. We see the results of this on Mumsnet all the time and I’ve witnessed it in real life .

“Should I leave DH? Married 20 years, 3 kids and hes on his 5th affair” not a real AIBU but it’s typical of one.

Whatever age you are trying to find a good man who wants children and marriage, it still doesn’t answer the question Op is asking which is HOW can she find a good man.

ETA: I may have misunderstood your post. Was your point that’s it harder to get a man who hasn’t had multiple relationships because he will have unrealistic expectations or the opposite?

Consider Christianity and go to church, if you don't do so already and you don't practice a different faith. Marriage, children and family life are the norm and what many men aspire to in Christian communities.

Of course many women "lock in" a bad man in their early 20s and regret it later and equally the "good man " in his early 20s can easily transform into a "bad man" in his "later years" and there is no way of knowing this or preventing it.

But the point I am trying to make is that on the basis most women want a "good man " rather than a complete dickhead with annoying personal habits then the pool of available "good men" is at its largest the younger you are and overtime gets progressively smaller as the "good men" get married or are in long term relationships.

Go to lots of events

Ask friends if you can tag along to events they are going to. Make sure your friends know that you are looking for someone to settle down with. They don’t have to set you up necessarily but if they know what you want then they can keep that in mind

Try a matchmaking service

Be really ruthless on the apps. Meet early. Assume someone who doesn’t want to meet early and just wants to chat is wasting your time and block

Good luck. Remember there is a huge element of luck involved. It’s nothing to do with you and your worth

Go where men go. For example......

Are you in a Union or professional body? Go to their meetings.
Politics? Ditto, go to your local branch meetings.
Athletic clubs, cricket matches, football matches,
Car maintenance courses.
Volunteer at a Food Bank/Conservation activities.
Attend/volunteer at English conversation classes for foreigners/immigrants.

You'll meet lots of men (and learn a lot about them incidentally.)

I know people who’ve met on Hinge

Sure, I think there are more available men, the younger you are. And while men can lie and may change for the worse, there are things women can do to help raise their chances of landing a good one - at any age.

But I guess my thoughts are if Op is young - well she is already trying to find a man in her “youth” and if she’s not well she can’t make herself younger. So I don’t see how this advice would help her.

All the people I know who ' locked in' in their 20's are still together because they grew up together. Those who met in their 30's have largely divorced so I don't think you can guess a relationships longevity based on age. It's more about the person. Be direct when youeet men. They like that. Tell them what you want and what you expect and what you won't tolerate. In my experience they appreciate the directness. Men don't like game playing.