Is this just my life now (after divorce) ?

[Glumcaregiver]

40, mum of 4 boys, divorced, ex husband moved out about 18 months ago. It was amicable as amicable as we could. I initiated the divorce I didn’t want to but has to. 12 years together 8 of those married and he didn’t want to change, didn’t want to even try therapy together or individually, spent money like it grew on trees he had/has a great job but he became impulsive, coke on nights out with his friends. We’d get a baby sitter and go out for his friends birthday and he’d get on if and be off his face pulling me to the toilets and wanting to fuck me in the toilets. He’s a great dad he’s involved and loves spending time with the kids we had a good time but I can’t beg a grown man to seek help I tried he didn’t want to. Since he moved out and bought his own place he’s had 3 different girlfriends it’s been hard because we he had his weekends with the kids I have them during the week and we alternate weekends it works out better for us that way. My kids have met 2 of his girlfriends and they’re only little I just feel hurt I want my kids to love their dad I wouldn’t jeopardise that but he makes it so difficult.

it’s a lot. So over the weekend he had the kids and I had no plans so I went on a dating app ok Friday and made an account and Saturday I had a date that kind of went too far. I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years and I decide to fuck the first guy I go on a date with and then to make it worse I cried after sex Good god my friends think it’s funny I’m slightly embarrassed.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Just put it down to experience and forget it. You're a grown women and let your hair down. You don't need to be embarrassed. It's okay. You've been through a lot. Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness too.

The last two years have been awful. I’ve been sad most of it felt like a bad mum. The reason my kids parents don’t live together and I hate myself for having kids with this man. He’s become awful since the divorce and made it so difficult for me if it wasn’t for my kids and having to work most days I probably wouldn’t even get out of bed. I wake up most mornings in tears upset most Friday nights when it’s my children’s dads weekend and I haven’t got plans with my friends I just drink wine and watch shitty shows.

I go to the gym, I go on walks I do all that stuff. This is just a sadness that most likely won’t go away it just consumes me. 3 years ago I was totally different I was happy. My marriage ended because I decided I didn’t want to do everything I didn’t want to keep asking for my husband to help me with things around the house juggling everything myself I was just tired even when he moved out he said to me he didn’t think I’d actually end our marriage.

I know I made the right decision and I’ll feel better in years to come it just sucks right now.
To anyone who isn’t married yet / has no kids please choose wisely I’ve got a long way to go.

Thank you

I did the same thing. It was awful but it’s in the past. Just try and forget it. Xxx

It sounds like you've had such a difficult time. You seem really strong and you've made a hard decision with your kids' bests interests in mind. I really think you've done the right thing. It can be so challenging during this phase. Use your time to look after yourself and rest when you don't have the kids. Don't feel bad about relaxing and having a drink and watching rubbish TV (best not to get into habit of drinking on your own though, that'll just make you feel worse!). You've got this 💪🏼 you'll be doing better than you think! I'm rooting for you.

@Glumcaregiver it sounds like you are grieving and thats normal. You're grieving the life you thought you were going to have. Grieving the relationship you had when it was good and probably second guessing yourself a little bit. All normal.

You found the strength to get out of your marriage. You found the strength to be everything for your kids. You have the strength to push through this tough patch.

Men aren't good dads unless they are good to their children's mothers. You can't whip a woman emotionally and neglect her and expect her to be able to provide a full cup for your kids to drink from. So if he's being unkind to you now or wasn't pulling his weight when married then he isn't that great a dad either.

That being said, after 18 months everything is still very raw. It's a short time. He probably feels shocked and rejected at being pushed out by you. Give it time. Have faith that this is the right choice, things will work out and he will come round. Hopefully you will both find a way to respect eachother and be civil in the best interests of your babies.

As regards the date, give yourself a break. You're upset, lonely and confused. Some ppl have no problem sleeping with strangers, you've learned it was very upsetting for you. Treat it as a lesson learned and move on. Be kind to yourself. It's hard to look at the man you married having girlfriends, I think maybe you were trying to tit for tat a bit mentally and show yourself you could do it too.

We're here for such a short time. Enjoy your home, your kids, good food, good friends, your favourite shows and the peace of mind closing the door at night not being answerable to a grown mans immaturity.

Much respect to you OP. You are one tough cookie to have come this far.

You need to find yourself again. Be happy being you before going on dates etc. I know it sounds cliche but just get to a place where you're happy being alone and happy with your life without a partner. Enjoy the silence or the gym or seeing friends or reading or whatever it is that makes you happy so the time without the kids doesn't feel so sad and empty. Then anything else is a bonus, but you know your life is full without whoever you've met or arranged to meet. You can do this just get back to the person you were before all the shit happened

4 kids all under the age of 10 I can’t just up and leave as much as sometimes I’d like to.

I initiated the divorce but my oh my Im the one that’s really struggling. My ex has since had multiple “girlfriends” he’s an attractive man I see why but I get jealous. I haven’t really tried to date , it’s been 2 years without sex then last weekend I decided I was bored and downloaded a dating app and had a date organised for the next evening. It was a nice date we got food walked around then went and got drinks and I invited him back to my place ( my kids were at their dads) and slept with him then cried in the bathroom after sex.
My weekends when I’m not with my children or no plans when friends or family consist of me waking up at 1pm, making lunch eating that then tidying the house a bit then showering and putting on a nice outfit. Going to the high street in my very middle class area, running into my kids friends mums having to act like I’m okay. Going into Waitrose buying wine then going home cooking myself a nice dinner waiting till it hits about 5/6pm then I start drinking and watching a silly comedy show and by the end of the night I’m crying.

I guess this is just my life at 40.
the other day I looking at pictures of myself at university and comparing myself now. 21 year old me was very strong willed yet at 40 I’m so weak. I achieved everything I wanted to achieve yet I’m sad. I guess this is punishment for who I was. I spent majority of my life being liked by men, by other girls and just being popular for being mean to other girls at boarding school now look I’m divorced, with my dream job and 4 sons who think the world of me but they don’t know the hurt I feel for them I’ve let them down.
Edited

You've let them down how? By leaving their drug addict dad who can't keep his willy in his pants for five minutes? Please don't be so harsh on yourself.
Your ex is not "winning" the divorce by having multiple short term girlfriends. He is just shagging. You have no access to his emotional world. He may be crying in the toilet after every sex too (or, his version of emotional dysregulation which is probably drinking, taking drugs and whatnot - same thing, really). When I broke up with my ex, he also started to drink heavily and take coke which is not the "happy man" behaviour despite shinny pictures on social media with his side chick and "I love you, baby. You are the best girlfriend ever".

I also cried first time I had sex with someone else. Second time? Not so much.

In all honesty, you sound like you may need some help. Would you consider therapy? A conversation with your GP about possible depression?

Hang in there, though. Being 40+ and single is fabulous. And you never know what's round the corner. Four months ago I was still crying all day. Then, suddenly, life was OK. And then it got amazing! And then, a new man walked into my life and I realised how dysfunctional my ex was in comparison and, even if the new guy doesn't work out, I am grateful every day that the relationship with my ex ended.

Your ex sounds awful.
It’s difficult to not grieve for the life we thought we’d have. It’s very difficult to wave your kids off to go their dad.
You need to be kind to yourself.
You're not being punished you’re just not putting up with his shit anymore. Your kids will admire you for it.
I see nothing wrong with drinking wine on the sofa watching the telly but if you’re not enjoying it look into doing something else.

Just because this is your life now, doesn’t mean it will be your life forever.

Im divorced and in many ways I’m sure my ex thought he'd ‘won’.

My daughter is now an adult and it’s me she wants to spend Christmas with.

I know you four sons and sons can be very protective of their moms. They are young now but the hard work you put in now will be worth it.

Take all the advice you can on how to deal with the now part of your life, but hold this thought that your future will be much richer than your ex’s.

You sound like a strong woman who has made the right decision, Op. It's hard. Please be kind to yourself. Crying after sex suggests that you're not ready to date again yet?

21 year old me was very strong willed yet at 40 I’m so weak.

You are not weak. You are older, you've had 4 kids in 10 years and tried to manage both them and your marriage with no help from your drug-using husband.

Sounds like he can pull for a good time but not hold. There are now 3 women out there telling their friends how strong his ex must be, to have put up with THAT for so long.
When my husband died I spent months on the bed watching bad 1970's and 80's TV shows. We all cope differently. (Probably best not to drink alone or sleep with strangers though. Don't want to add complexities.)
50 YO you will probably look back on this time and be proud of "how well I coped."

Sorry to hear this OP. Don’t beat yourself up. You made the right decision leaving your drug using ex.
This is a tough transition time which will pass and your life will be happier again soon.

You’re an adult and can make your own choices, as long as they don’t affect the kids. So did you use contraception to prevent pregnancy and STD’s? If so, don’t feel guilty and decide if you’re going to do it again or not. If you didn’t, get that sorted and do better next time.
But above everything else, forgive yourself and move on.

Your situation has a familiar ring to it. I was the one to break up my marriage, leaving me with the children while he was out with various girlfriends. It was the hardest and loneliest time of my life. My husband was awful, drunk, getting other women pregnant, huge debts and had a dreadful temper. I thought life would be better without him, but it was a daily depressing struggle.

I did the one night stand thing after a couple of years and that was embarrassing too. It didn't help.

One day I made an A4 list of what I wanted in a man. It seemed impossible, but when I was 45 I met him, he ticked every box and has been a wonderful stepdad and husband. These are dark days for you, but put one step in front of the other because things will change, your DC will grow up and life will be enjoyable again.

Weirdly I went to my ex's funeral this week and cried my eyes out. I guess it was a reminder of the good times and the bad.

I did use protection. I’m not used to one night stands I don’t really know the etiquette. I had a good time on the date, I probably shouldn’t have let him come back to mine I was just lonely and haven’t had sex in two years. He y me a couple days later to see if I’m up for another drink I said no. Part of me wants to maybe meet someone at some point but not the way I am right now. Most weekends when I don’t have my kids I just drink on my own or else I just wallow in self pity.

I’m trying to stay positive it’s hard. This time of year is very hard too for me trying to organise and coordinate with my ex husband on how we both want to spend Christmas with the kids I’ve decided to compromise and the kids are now going to his parents for Christmas and I’ll spend Boxing Day with them. They’ll open their gifts here then their dad will pick them up and I’ll go to my parents. Surrounded with family which is nice but the whole time they’ll ask me if I’ve started dating or have I met someone etc and I just don’t want to talk about that stuff. Or how the kids are handling the divorce etc my eldest 2 are in counselling. I think when they see other kids with their parents it hits them.

What you said about getting dressed later in the day then going out and acting like you're okay to people you meet really struck me. I think you'd be shocked how many people you meet are also acting like they're fine when they're not. Life is full of different challenges for everyone and so many are feeling like you too. You're not alone. This is one of your challenges but it doesn't and won't define you. It'll pass. If mooching about all morning, then tidying and getting dressed is working for you just now just do that, don't blame yourself. It's fine to rest all morning after what you've been through plus 4 kids through the week is hard work. Rest if you need it. Try to switch the wine for something else, make nice mocktails or drink nice juice out a wine glass if that works. You'll probably find soon you'll start to turn a corner and get up earlier. You need to look after your physical and mental health. That's the absolute best thing you can do for you and your kids. I really hope you're okay and can draw strength from this army of women behind you!

It might help to make some weekend plans in advance. Is there anything you particularly like to do? Or anything you always wanted to try but couldn't find time/energy? You can't be spontaneous in this state so planning in advance is key.
After the breakup, my absolute priority was to get out of the house as much as I could. And I also needed to have people around me as, due to circumstances of the breakup, I had to move away from my area. I obviously didn't have any friends nearby but I looked through the local activities and two places that struck me as having the highest chance to have human interactions were local functional fitness gym (and before you protest, I am not a mega-fit person) and pole studio. I do Crossfit class on Saturday lunch time and Pole dance on Sunday night and that's a really lovely way to see familiar faces every week, have a little chit chat and do something which lifts my spirits (and makes my body feel great). After my Saturday class, I go and have nice lunch with the gym crowd and then spend a few hours in a bookshop before driving back home.
I also learned stand up paddleboarding and had a weekend offroad motorcycle racing course. I have a few very nice bits booked for next year. My calendar is honestly very very full right now and it makes me feel alive.

Also, some things I found really helpful were 8 sessions of therapy with Better Help, Peter Crone membership and Echarte Tolle book "The Power of Now" as well as gentle self-care practices like meditation, mindfulness, breathing practices.

Basically, I threw everything I had at the recovery. Not suggesting my way is the way, but maybe it will spark some ideas for you because it totally sucks to be stuck in that place. I know it all too well.

Just have a line ready for the family like "I'm doing well thanks and the kids are adjusting. Tbh I'd prefer not to talk about it and focus on having a lovely Christmas with everyone here....did you see (quickly change subject)".

Thanks for the insight. I think I just thought I’d be happier instead I’m sad and drinking wayy too much wine on my own most weekends just to cope.

I can’t imagine being with someone there’s some of his stuff still in the house that he just left and I haven’t had it in me to sort it out and just put in the attic. I just need to find myself but at this point I don’t know who I am. Looking at pictures of myself when I first met my husband we had such a good time , we did so much it was a good relationship I thought it would be forever.

Op you need to be kinder to yourself.

The book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant is excellent. Read and do the exercises. You may feel daft but it retrains your thought patterns. It may help you help your boys as they get older too as they are easy exercises.

Journal - write three things that brought you joy everyday. Again get the kids to do it too. In a month you will have lots of lovely memories to read about. Be specific not just ‘enjoyed my cup of tea’ but loved watching the Robin in the garden while drinking tea from my favourite red mug’.

I sometimes sit with my kids and we name one thing we love / appreciate about each other. Sounds twee but they really enjoy it.

Create a playlist alone or with your children. The catch is you can only add music that you have NEVER heard before. Create new memories using this playlist. Car journeys, dancing in the kitchen. Call it chapter two (or three or four if it’s more appropriate).

Be kind to yourself, exercise and force yourself to speak to friends. Time will heal but it will heal quicker if you fill the time positively . All the best.

Sending a big hug, you're only human and have needs and emotions. You haven't done anything wrong and sound a great mum to your boys. Life will get easier, in a years or so you'll be in a different place emotional x

And the drinking will just push grieving back. Grieve, cry, scream - but avoid the alcohol.

Buy weights and start Caroline Girvans programmes on YouTube. You’ll sleep better 🤣 as you’ll be exhausted 😂 but in a good way.